missing her

I am officially done with the first job I've taken and had a shot at since my marriage ended.... and I don't want to talk about it
I never thought I'd say this, or I should say I never thought I would mean this: I miss my wife.
I really do. It's painful to realize that I could have done more to save my marriage. I mean I always suspected that while it was happening I could have stopped it, but for the life of me I couldn't have figured it out. Of course I don't know now whether the me I was then could have done all that I've done since she left.
I did love her. Just for the record. Which is why it bothers me so much that I can't remember what her voice sounded like. I can remember holding her in my arms, so many times. I remember cooking with her in our little apartment. I remember getting in fights and making up before I could make it down the stairs. I remember holidays together. I thought we were happy.... I guess something I did..... I swear I still think it has to do with me not having enough money for her...... in many ways I'm still trying to be good enough..... or at least get good enough for that not to happen to me again.


I wish I could get away from here. I pray about it almost every night...... with no results.... yet.

So now that I have time again I'm going to consider dating some more.

I don't know if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for. I don't know that I'm looking for the right thing either.

you know life would be perfect right now if my wife was still by my side.... assuming we were getting along that is. If I had just decided to go back to school then, and maybe joined the national guard...... then right now I would still be with her, not him.
I hate that she's still alive and living with another man. It makes my skin crawl.
I also hate that no one gives a damn about me or my pithy life.
I hate that she said we'd stay friends, that was such a lie.
I hate that she's still fat, and still the exact same person she was when she was married to me.
I hate that she's trying to lose weight for him, because apparently I wasn't enough
I hate that she looks happy.