I better type fast, my memory is failing way too fast, and I've been musing on this topic for a few hours.
It seems to me that most men have two characters within them, possibly more, but when it comes to morality there are only two, the saint and the pirate. The saint is responsible for doing everything that is right but at the same time being selfless. the rewards of sainthood is merely rightousness for it's own sake, he may end up suffering for his purity and no one will defend his honor when he is. So says the world anyway and who am I to argue? As I was saying there are many flaws to being a saint, one of them is martyrdom. Another major flaw that people overlook is that if you exibit one human flaw, be it smoking, sex, anger, greed or whatever else is considered "Wrong", your fall from grace will ruin you. Because you see saints aren't loved for who they are. They are loved because of what they are. Like a beautiful woman, and if that woman commits the cardnal sin of beauty, that being decay and aging, she is shunned and outcast.
The pirate, on the other hand, has no such worries. A pirate by definition does what he pleases when he pleases and when he does evil he smiles and laughs. On a rare occasion pirates have been displayed to have a fear or aversion to doing what is good. I don't believe that accounts for the personality of the rogueish man. Unless of course he is being that way to offset some shortcoming he should have no reason to be ashamed of doing what is right. He doesn't have to I suppose is my point. As virtue is not his defining characteristic his straying towards it doesn't hurt him. Sometimes it might even endear him to us.
So being a pirate carries considerable romance, at least to certain types of people, I am one of them. That isn't to say it's without it's problems. For instance the women attracted to that personality type or whom you can attain with that personality type are usually just in it for the sex. I suppose I should love that bit, but just because villainy dominates your very being does not mean you have no heart.
Something else troubling me is the idea of greatness. I believe behind every great man is a great woman. Though I am every bit accountable for my failure to achieve greatness (yet), the lack of a reliable woman to care for me. I suppose I feel I have always been destined for greatness. Perhaps my arrogance and ego is responsible for that. For one my general personality seems to me to resemble great men. I identify with Patton, FDR, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut...... I'm sure there are more. Not one a christian man or described as virtuous. I suppose that is one of the contributing failures of my rightous life. Frequently I have considered the death of my marriage the near mortal wounding of what sainthood I might have been capable of. I hold to account the parts of my personality that are responsible for my failures, in particular of my marriage and of me reaching another girl I once loved (saw her today and wished her a merry christmas strangely. It seemed to cause her discomfort.) The failures in my personality exist in the part in my heart that always wanted the woman I loved to be happy. I suppose I must have wanted everyone to be happy. And yet no one liked that side of me. So I had to find a cure for that, that cure has been an extreme amount of emotional pain. Not that the side is dead.... but we all have hopes.
I heard a message the other day about how what you put in your brain is what comes out. It was part of a sermon of course and I know they were talking about porn and "poor morals" or whatever they are calling people that would rather have fun than abandon fun for virtue. Anyway they were going on about the wages of sin being death. And I had a thought "Well about time." I don't think he could tell sinners anything to make them happier, at least if they are from the same camp as me. Sin leading to death couldn't be better news. Because you fall from virtue because the virtue can no longer counter act the pain you feel. So you turn to sin, and the sin won't save you either. So then you're just waiting to die... unless of course you have little enough morals that you take yourself out.
I don't know what they are after right now. How can you convert people by taking away the thing they are after the most when they are tired and weak? If I'm happy I'm sure as heck not going to convert. And if I'm miserable I'm waiting for them to say something that would undo the years of damage, or at least make me believe there would be less squandered pain in the future due to that perhaps christianity isn't about painful virtue. But they can't do that. They're approach to me is "But you'll love being pure, when you're pure all your pain will go away." And I say "BULL, if impurity caused pain then I wouldn't have been in pain to cause me to do things you label impure. That's like saying if you stop taking pain killers the pain will go away. Which is insane. If your leg is broken, nothing save healing time will make the pain go away.
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I suppose I also have issues with that no one loves me for me, it's almost always who I pose as. And not that I have a problem with the guy I pretend to be, he's a great guy..... but he isn't my fav person. I'm my fav. If I had my choice the me that is me would be out every day every week and he would never HAVE to go away. *sigh* I hate all this posturing about what a man is supposed to be. Fuck that.... I'm probably not even a fucking man anymore... not that I'm not masculine, I'm just nothing people expect.
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