solitude

So given the fact that I have no one to have meaningful conversations with, I suppose venting to my blog is a good outlet for my daily ideas, frustrations, and general rambling.
It's an interesting paradox, being alone. On one hand it's enormously rewarding. Take for example food. I can survive on less than 20 dollars a week if I don't eat out (I do eat out from being alone, but that's another story). I don't go on dates right now, though I do have the time again. Oh in a bit of side note I took the job back.

On the other hand though I have no one to share the news of my daily life with. My parents are pretty much it and they don't really give me enough feedback. I desire feedback, discussion, some sort of meaning and way to help me process the things that happen in an average day of my life. My friends are all drifted away, and I don't know if I'm going to make new ones.

Back to why I am alone. I don't like people. I don't trust them for one, and second I have little use for them. I enjoy the short term exchanges.... I enjoy friendships when I have them, but for whatever reason don't go search out new ones when I lack any. If only I could have that much apathy for dating.

I had a discussion with a lady at school today about having kids. She's pregnant and we were talking about the practical matter of having kids. So I happened to mention that I don't know when or how I will have kids, at least by the traditional method. And then I told her about the method I am working on, namely the surrogate process, embryo selection, that whole good thing. She disapproved. Said that I shouldn't deprive the other embryo's a chance at life. To which I counterargued that they wouldn't have a chance anyway without me making a plan...... and she drifted away from the conversation. See what I mean about people? Absolutely useless to providing meaningful feedback.

I keep putting up personal ads, I think by habit at this point, and the responses just don't get me interested. I want............. love I suppose, meaningful friendship, a connection with someone that I have lacked for the past year and a half. I miss my wife horribly right now, even though I know how bad for me she would be at this present moment. Making demands, lowering my efficiency. Doesn't stop me from remembering the good times though. See, the bad memories were the easy ones. Because I could just think "Well good thing I got rid of the person who did THAT"..... the good memories make me sad. I had something.... I want to say wonderful, but I know in my heart it was just satisfactory. I was content. Oh well. All water under the bridge.

I'm having God issues right now. I still don't understand what, if anything, he is doing. I feel as strongly as ever that it is my destiny to move to that property in Denver. The vision has not and I suspect will not go away. Yet he gives me no hope....... aside from that I am sure of his ability to do it. His ability is unquestioned. His will is. And I suppose that's where my faith fails. Because no matter how much ego and how much I like myself I will still be doubtful of someone else doing something to benefit me until it happens. I love him, but he has not done anything about it. I don't even know if he cares about me or my dreams at all.