your future is a horror story written by your crimes

Doomed scrooge, doomed for all time
your future is a horror story written by your crimes
your chains are forged by what you say and do
so have your fun when life is done a nightmare waits for you

a song made me cry. Not that one, which I'm not going to attribute because I have bigger fish to fry, but a song about the one that got away. No I didn't know it before today, it just... showed up. and stabbed me through the heart

List of songs that have made me cry:
Katy Perry-The one that got away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk
Better than a hallelujah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0&ob=av2e
and for entirely different reasons: He was walking her home

oh and you are my sunshine, that song still breaks my heart


I linked to the videos because in many ways they are what broke me down
Two things disturb me about my grief process, one is that I mourn entirely different things than other people
two my grief process doesn't have a normal timetable
and three I cannot process my emotions in any healthy or clean way. The grit makes it process. By grit I mean what christians would call sin. I don't know if it's sin, if something keeps me alive it almost always shifts over to nourishment and becomes unremovable..... hence the smoking, and the porn and the over the counter drugs. They keep me functioning, and FYI I hate that they are needed. I don't hate any of those things individually, aside from the expense I have no problem with the activities themselves, I have a problem with that I hurt so much that I need them.
side note: I think I might be sick
what else? what else?
you know aside from her presence in my life as someone to love I don't miss my wife, or many women. just the one really..... and she got away....... every woman I still wonder about got away. Not by my choice.... I don't destroy relationships I care about.

You could have been my girl
if you'd ask me I would move the world for you
you could have been my world
but you just never saw
that all this time you were the one I was waiting for

That's one of mine.

it irritates me that now I am willing to join the military and my wife.... ex wife has moved on. If she had just been supportive and helped me process we'd still be together, did you know that?
I didn't until the past three months. over a year too late.....

Don't it always seem to go
that you dont know what you've got til it's gone
pave paradise and put up a parking lot

Supposedly regrets aren't my style. Neither is crying for that matter. What can I say? at the moment I am forgotten..... no one left to live up to their standards. I almost died this morning... daydreamed about it a bit on the way to school. Is that sick or what?