It's me.....

So I'm going to say something notable, because you may have never seen me say such a thing, and may never again if I get the chance.
I'm the problem.
For as many times as I have acted as if the world is the problem for not being a more pliable place in reaction to my personality, today I have to admit I am more the problem.
As I said I met a girl.............. And it was wonderful, and now it's quiet again.
Not to say quiet isn't great in it's own way. Lots of time to get things done.... if I could just get her off my mind.
Yes I'm in some way falling for her.... in others I'm just in my own stupid little world. I long for the love and acceptance that JUST DOESN'T EXIST in this world.
I want devotion, like this:
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But what I end up with is this:
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I don't know why my brain takes so long to deal with this.....
I hate this happening at the holidays.... which is why I wasn't dating around the holidays.... being infatuated with a woman is a complicated situation.

I wish I could type more.... try to work out these feelings... I doubt I would find success for one. Two I feel likely to rant... and I don't want to rant against her. Because anger isn't what I feel. If anything this empty feeling is proof I care. I read somewhere that fear of loss is a sign of attachment, perhaps of love.
I hate that I'm the type of person who can type that a week after meeting someone. I would love to be slow to love.

My uncle died yesterday morning. He sat down at the contruction site he was working at and died of a heart attack...... He was 62.... 2 years older than my dad is now. The same age my dad's dad was when he passed. I'm not happy about this pattern. I am not ready to lose dad, not in two years not even in 10..... fuck I don't really ever want him to die but if he has to I want to be over 45 which would put him in his 80s........ On the other hand though.... it reminds me of my own mortality. 62 is young to me.... maybe because Dad is there now and still so young at heart. If I only had to live to 62 it wouldn't be such a terrible thing.... only 40 more years as opposed to 60. My uncle abused his body though..... he was a heavy smoker and drinker. And no one loved him or misses him, not even his children. Once maybe he had the chance but he wasted it. He ran away. Like his dad........ I'm not proud of this family history but it is a fact. I'm trying to start a dynasty of respectable men..... and it could be my heritage is getting in the way. I went over my family history and not one man until my dad was a decent individual. Not to say they did drugs or were poor, solidly working class all the way back. But as far as their choices towards women..... not exactly made because of wisdom is what I would say. It's as if my very flesh rises against me, and not in the traditional way (though that too at times), but from a genetics standpoint. I don't like the idea this could be a genetic trait. Because there is no behavioural or nurture trait to explain why I have made the mistakes I have...... I mean aside from that for various reasons in my childhood I did not feel it was right to follow my father's round about path to success.... with women anyway. There must be something and the root could be genetic. Or because I have a passionate nature.... as is evident in my anger which I have worked against much of my life but has come up much more recently.

Anyway.... exit on a song. I worry about things and frequently think about the future. This song seems appropriate:
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