I'm pretty disappointed in life right now. At least not currently ROMANTICALLY frustrated, but career wise I really am quite unhappy.
So I had a dream, a vision, that I lifted up to God, an entirely new lifestyle I was praying for, a career, a future, security, it had quite a bit of good things in it. I asked God that if that was his will for my life, would he please show me how to get there. Because you see it's not something I could do myself, at least not from this part of my life, it was something so crazy that a huge miracle would be the only way it could happen. So I prayed. And waited. Then one day last week I felt suddenly like maybe it was time to move on this again. So I learned all I could, planned out all the details, I was so READY for God to make a move. But then....... He..... Did..... Not.
So when I sensed that perhaps my intuition had failed to accurately predict what would happen, I offered up a follow up. IF God wanted me to move, then I'm ready, but if not could he not make my life so.... dissappointing. Again, I was ready for God to move, in ANY way. Things did not change.
So do you want to know the way things are going now? I can make a good life here. I know that, God has a very small part in that because at the moment I have run into a wall in my spiritual development. As long as I am trapped in this bubble, and God shows complete indifference to my requests (which I have to say is rather unbiblical, way to not line up with your own word there God), I can't move forward. At least not with him.
On my own for certain I can continue to push bounderies, reach new levels of success, and perhaps find ultimate happiness through the realization of my own abilities with this same level of sort of help from the world. I was looking to maybe be less self centered and self reliant. I had hoped that God would see that I don't think that is a healthy way to go. At least not to the extreme. But since he is the only one I respect enough (and honestly I wonder why) to completely surrender my will, this is the only way I know to learn to rely on him more. Growth requires two things: the medium which provides the energy to grow, and the area in which to grow. Kept in a small bowl a fish will remain the same size, but kept in a larger bowl, and provided with sufficient food to eat, it can grow as big as it wants. We might call this opportunity.
What I'm living in right now, is a lack of opportunity to grow and become a better follower of him. Really even to become a better person. I am stifled. This life I'm living is doing that. Now, lets pretend God is the fish owner, which he really is (you could also run a parent child analysis.) Now if you loved your fish, and that fish obviously would thrive more in a larger tank, and you had the resources to provide it (we assume that God has the resources, though that would be an interesting discussion of this flaw), why would you not provide the best environment for that fish to grow, and in fact provide barely enough to keep your fish alive? This concept is covered in the book of matthew chapter 7, I paraphrase: "If your son asked you for a loaf of bread, would you give him a snake or a rock? No. So if you being evil know how to give good gifts, how much better do you think God is at it?" again, I paraphrase. The point is obvious. God is supposed to be a good parent. So for whatever reason this painful situation is his idea of a good gift. If that is the case that alone is enough to convince me that he doesn't understand me in the slightest, or care for me. If he thinks being restrained from growth, being in pain is a way to provide for me. Well, it's disappointing. Suppose your dad was a very rich man. Lets also imagine that you need a new car. You go to your dad and say "Can I have a car dad? I've picked this one out, it will be the best possible car for my needs, and you'd never miss the money, wouldn't you be happier seeing me happy?" And your dad gets up, and walks out of the room. You leave him messages, try to relay messages through his voicemail, secretary. Over time it will become obvious that he has no intention of helping you. Now you are in the same position. You can go earn the money to buy a car. You'll probably end up buying a car that is in bad repair, and probably wont last very long because your resources are limited.
You may wonder, because I do, why your dad would behave this way. Doesn't he love you? doesn't he want you to have good things? The answer is that your dad is some sort of special exception to the normal guidelines that apply to parents. Your dad is always right. So you, by definition, must be wrong for wanting such a nice car. Why you greedy little brat, who do you think you are? Your dad doesn't have to do anything for you. You're lucky your dad does anything for you. You're lucky your dad keeps paying your health insurance so that when you get into a fatal car accident because your brakes lock up because you bought a substandard car, they MIGHT be able to save your worthless life.
This is why a man might be tempted to worship money, dedicate his life to earning enough money to no longer need his dad who does not care to have any input in his life. This is why people turn away from God. I haven't completely, but the temptation is there. Because I have no idea how to be happy about a future in which I keep following him, waiting for him to care. I don't feel comfortable pouring myself out to someone who I don't respect, and I don't respect someone who lies. Yes they aren't lies when the person telling them is the maker of all reality, I'm just interpreting it all wrong.
So now, based on this
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