pain

I didn't go to school today
I almost killed myself last night
I talked to the woman I care for last night too
as far as what is significant, I think everything and nothing is
"you're a bartender who is close to liqueur all night and you AREN'T an alcoholic, obviously you don't know how to seize an opportunity" says a girl who has a crush on this guy, I don't know why that just describes me SO well. I lived with the best girl I could ever have found and we never dated. Obviously I fail to seize an opportunity.... maybe it was the best opportunity I'll ever have. I don't know.
I just saw pictures of the first girl, the girl the whole phenomena is named for, Laurel. She is IT, I swear, the reason that I said I would never love someone without it being mutual. She's changed you know. She's grown into someone new. I hardly recognize her. She might be more amazing, might not. I'll never know. I just think it's amazing how much someone can change in 5 years. yes that's right it's been 5 years since I loved her. Maybe it's like the Maya calander, and loving someone I can't have is part of the cycle..... wonder what would have happened if I was still married....... woah where did that come from? That's a debbie downer moment if ever there was one.
The girl that got away wanted my advice...... at least I mean something to her right? see that? That right there. Saying something like that is a symptom of the insanity that loving someone I can't have causes. I sort of told her about my situation...... without of course telling her it was her I wanted.... needed. For an emotional guy I keep alot bottled up inside
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I yelled at myself last night. I was so mad at myself for being such a putz. Feeling sorry for myself..... lots of BS. Maybe that's why I get into abusive relationships.
This is a beautiful quote "Scrooge liked the cold.
He was hard and sharp as a flint.
Secretive, self contained.
As solitary as an oyster. "

I really do identify with that character. It bothers me somewhat actually that I have been trying to slide through this classic Dickens story in reverse.  I long to be the giant of a man that scrooge is at the beginning, because you see from the perspective of this man that is the ultimate achievement. I learned not to cry at some point during my childhood. Even during the past year and a half, the most painful moments of my life I smoke instead of crying. because to be melancholy I must be using something to break down the inhibitions. My inhibitions in sharing my pain are growing stronger all the time. Every time I try to be myself and all I receive is either ridicule or complacency, or worse still being ignored entirely, I discovery that deep down I am alone. No matter what sort of front I put up I am alone. As solitary as an oyster.
"as he made his way up the staircase,  caring not a button for the darkness. darkness was cheap, and scrooge liked it"