working up to it......

So this has been something I have been dwelling on lately, and considering there is no one for me to tell things to remember, and I do want to remember, I better write it all down.

I cry, not alot, but more than I would like. I guess it comes down to that I'm still very tenderhearted, dispite my attempts to beat it out of me. I think I always looked up to guys like the Fonz, or... tough guys I guess, Huey Long recently, FDR, heck even bad guys at times like Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin, heck I even probably have a spot in my heart for good old Castro. I like them because you look at them and you have to think, regardless of politics, that they knew who they were, these are all men that without a doubt never cried. I've hated my crying for over 10 years, because I've never found a situation it makes even a little better. My sadness drove away my wife, who would never hold me when I was sad, when all I wanted was for her to hold me. And I don't doubt it's part of why I'm unloved.
I keep thinking if only. Not the if only's of the past, those are gone. The if only's of what might be, if only I had the balls. I think what I really want is to do something truly monstrously villainous. It's like if I could just do something completely evil and not in any way justified by nobility, or kindness, or fairness, then maybe I wouldn't cry anymore. I just keep trying to kill this stupid sensitive man who obviously still lives in my heart. But I don't think I ever will.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I admire and wish to be a man who could do harm to women. Not like rape harm, there should be some lines never crossed. But like the emotional abuse that lives on in legends of horrible car wrecklike things men do to women. Things that make that woman never able to be with a man for the rest of her life. Why do I want that? I mean aside from the true evil bit. It's because on some level I feel like some women have it coming. And my bitterness would be amused to see them get what they have coming. I think my ultimate fantasy is that one day my ex wife's new hubby will find out that she's cheated, and he beats her within an inch of her life and she has to drop everything and run, and for there to be no one there to catch her or save her, she would have to run and deal with the rightous anger of a man scorned. It would be so beautiful, beautiful JUSTICE. Because that's usually how I deal with that I'm not a vindictive enough man to do the harm to people that they deserve, knowing that one day they will do what they did to me, but to someone who doesn't forgive, and that person will do some damage. Which comes back around to why I'm upset about my wife being fine and happy. Because where is the justice? She came out of the divorce unscathed, I don't think she cried a single day over me. She brushed me off like a bad dream.