trying to explain

So, I suppose it's important to note that I've been talking about death quite a bit lately. By talking I suppose I mean thinking. Today on my way to school I thought about the end. I wanted it so bad..... but I had obligations to fufill. Always the slave to duty... like pirates of penzance.
Anyway I had set a date. A date for the most important day of my life, or second most, depending on how that matters to you. I want... wanted... I don't know, but I desired an end date. So I wouldn't have to think about the future. I hate the future. So much. If it had been up to me I'd be writing the note for when I reach that date. Because editing it would be really relaxing, knowing the date was coming.

The problem... is that the people who want me here aren't enough. They can never be enough to stop the pain.
there was supposed to be much more. In short I tried to explain to dad why I wanted to die because I wanted him to come to terms with it, and that flopped.

wishing

You know, this isn't the way I wanted it. I went on a long rant last night about what's wrong, how upset I am about what God has done....... so much I'm upset about. There is so much I don't know how to forgive. If just once he could love me, pick me up and put my feet back on the ground....... but that's just me wishing again.
My libido is screwed all to hell right now. it's usually abnormally high... well when I'm alone and dealing with it myself. When I'm with someone else it could be anything, it could be sky high, it could be dead in the water. I've never had it be dead in the water when I'm alone. But last night it was. As I said last night I realized my body is looking for new drugs, and that is one thing I can't do for it. That's the one part of the addictive cycle I can stop. There will be no new drugs.
All I desire right now, maybe ever, is to be loved. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, and it so embodies what I want that I ache for it. It makes me not want to settle for less again (of course I don't have a problem with that). I want someone who I long for, someone I love. Not someone who will just "get the job done". I had that. And she didn't for the record, get the job done that is.
I want somebody who makes me feel......... shit like I see those two feel on this show. Like Melinda feels so obviously, and I suppose how Jim feels too. But I guess I set the bar too high. And I don't think I'll be around long enough to find her. I mean, if I could I would, but God would have to work. And aside from feelings he hasn't.

lemon water

It's not working. My libido that is. That drives me nuts you know? not getting aroused, nothing excites me. I feel like I'm dead. Worse. I know my body will only be happy if I pick up a new drug.... and I can't do that. Nothing soothes the pain I feel. I picked out a christmas tree... that part was fun. But when I put it up, trying to cope in my heart with christmas alone breaks me up........... *sigh* more work. Have to sleep.

It's like lemonade. Life gave me lemons in the curse of an overactive libido and that certain things give me pleasure. But when the lemonade loses it's sweetness it just turns to lemon water. gross and worthless to drink.

My potential story

So one of the thing driving me nuts is my potential story, how the story of my life might go.

Path one:
After countless months of depression and finding out that his ex wife managed to live on, this man killed himself, to the chagrin of the women that scorned him and the sadness of his friends and family. He let the people that hated him win, and the people that loved him lost.

Path two.
This man finally got his answer to prayer, he has never been happier and has found new hope and meaning in life.

Path three
This man finally found a woman who loved him, he has never felt so loved.

Path four
This man is now homeless

Path five
This man has been kicked out of school and is scraping together a modest living at a call center

isn't that typical?

So my home internet is out. Looks like I'll be doing plenty of smoking and watching old shows when I'm home this week because I won't be online communicating with the outside world or anything.

My ex wife, the bitch lives on

To make the title of this post less harsh I had to tone it down from "Fucking whore"
Ok, so I was trolling on her page as I am prone to do because thanks to her I'm to be alone for the rest of my life, and she gets to be a military wife. And I find out that she was in an accident. I presume a car accident because we all know the bitch can't drive. And I am ashamed, Yes ashamed to say my first thought was "Damn it, she's not dead, do I need to pray for that" (actually just thought of the prayer thing, yes I'm evil.)
So I started thinking maybe I'm still harboring some anger..... Gee ya THINK?!
and I started to feel bad, and maybe I should work on forgiveness. See? That's nice. I want to forgive the evil little harlot who stole my heart and ran off with another man.
So then she's going on about how this is the hardest thing she's ever gone through in her life. Which I kinda feel like "hey now you know how I feel." And she says that she got really upset when they had to take off her ring, and had to explain to the doctor "My husband is deployed right now, that's the only connection I have to him."
And that's where I lost it
I have news for you sister, as far as god and ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD PRIOR TO POST 20TH CENTURY DIVORCE WHORES LIKE YOU, your husband spends every night trying to keep the gun out of his mouth. what you SHOULD have told them is that you're a self serving harlot and that the man you're out making a new life with after you left a man who was nothing but good to you is serving duty in war because you couldn't talk the man you married into it. And so you left him and found someone on track to live the life you want to live. Great. I hope the next car kills you you selfish Bitch. and what goes around comes around? I'D BE HAPPIER STILL IF I WAS DEAD SO I DON"T HAVE TO  SEE YOU LIVE. FUCK YOU.

Oh I might ad that I came back from my paying job that I had to take because she left me and my body doesn't work because I have to work for my living, I cant just go marry men with money, more's the pity. I wish I could just do whatever immoral thing I want and my family be behind me, but to top you I'd have to get someone to fall in love with me, then shoot them in the face with a shotgun at a wedding in front of 150 of their close friends. Oh and ride of into the sunset with another woman laughing all the way "I sure suckered them!"
Someday, if I'm lucky I can be as self centered and evil as my ex wife is. And maybe then God will see fit to kill me, because obviously he has no use for me but to torture with watching her antics while I slowly die.

explain this to me

alright, this is something I want explained to me, and I'm fairly likely to post my arguement verbatim to the personal ads:
Explain this to me, how can you be fat, and proud, and in the majority? This is to my mind the first time I have ever been aware of this. Bbws, in this state and PARTICULARLY in this city make up the majority of single women and so every week I read the same ad OVER and OVER and OVER. Let me break down how this ad goes, or how it reads from a male perspective.

"Hi everybody I'm sweet, nice, and somehow I break with all the other women you've met in this city and have a brain and want to treat you better than them. I'm so great. No I'm not going to give details as to WHY. Just take my word for it. Oh by the way I'm FAT, you should like this because ALL of us are this way now so if you want to mate, get with the program. Oh and I don't want to sleep with anyone, because men are SO all over me...."

Explain to me how any man would ever say "oh yes, let me get some of that fat lying woman, that's the stuff for me."
Speaking for men, or for the smaller part speaking for men who have seen this market, we're looking for other breeding options. Medicine has advance to the point we can have kids without you so if you think that somehow being the only option out there is a working strategy, you are dead wrong.
Thats the only strategy I'm seeing these women use. Actually for the most part this is the face womankind is showing, and that's rather worrying. I see hundreds of women a day, which represents a fair portion of the population of this city. I will note that about 75 percent of the fat women are attached, which begs the question "Why?" However when we see the sort of men who end up doing this, we have to determine "oh he has brain damage or is obviously a dreg of society and the best he could do is her, God bless him for jumping on the grenade for us all."
Equally baffling is that in the rare case that I come across a  really beautiful woman, she is with a twit. Today I saw a gorgious woman, and next to her was the biggest twit in the universe. I imagine if this.... I can't call him a man because he was an affront to all things manly, this male person, I imagine that if this male were to clean himself up he could be somewhat attractive. But in complete contrast to his lovely female companion he dressed in a sweat suit and a hat at a 45 degree angle from his head. The look just screamed "I'm a twit." And I must add, for the sake of those having trouble with this imagine it also screamed "and I netted a hottie,  obviously female judgement is DEAD, haha intelligent males. The score is now twits 1 intellectuals 0."
So this is what you want female america. If you are attractive you want twits. Good luck having kids who can get past the second grade.

How will you know?

So a thought has occured to me, and that thought is "how would anyone know if I went REALLY insane."
In response to that I have to say, to begin with, how crazy am I now? The tendency of the human mind I believe is to think that you are sane. Usually if you were to ask many people, in all seriousness, if they are sane, they would say yes, perhaps they are the only one. Which may very well be the case. I don't know. I don't have the credentials. I am in the process of procuring the credentials to tell said people if they are crazy, but as of this moment my credentials are rather lacking. What I am in a better position to judge is my own sanity. I believe that while I may have an ego, perhaps even pride as some people might call it in who I am.
The thing that may shock some, if some could be shocked, is that my confidence in my own sanity is relatively low. In my personal quite humble opinion I think that there is currently a 50% likelyhood of me just SNAPPING like a twig and going totally nuts. What does that mean? Well it could mean any of a large number of things. These include several iterations of what I think I will look like crazy. The most likely is in my mind some sort of Don Quixote-ish figure. By that I mean that at the very least I hope it would be entertaining, but on the larger part I think that drifting away from reality is likely.
I could snap and do something else nuts, anything from the living like howard hughs, peeing in bottles and dying of malnutrition to going nuts and killing something.
But the fact remains rather at large that the most likely way for me to go crazy is quietly. I may already be there.  A slow and long lingering break with reality is both likely and perhaps unavoidable. I have no stabilizers at all right now.

I have plenty of other topics, but I forgot them all on the drive home. I'll be back.

is the desktop dead?

http://www.ted.com/talks/roger_mcnamee_six_ways_to_save_the_internet.html

alright, I've been hearing this for years and it's gotten pretty loud, people are saying the desktop is dead. I think that people are predicting a future where the laptop is the most complex as it gets. Go to a best buy, the front displays are for smart phones, ipads and laptops. But not to worry. I don't think desktops will ever REALLY die. As far as being a mass consumable? yeah, dead for awhile. Geez the desktop as I grew up to know it was dead 7 years ago. I remember when you needed to spend a major afternoon just to assemble your desktop. Where installing software was an evening's activity. Those days are over. But the days of tower PCs? just started. The problem with all these fancy new gadgets that everybody has little joygasms over is that they are limited. Tiny keyboards and touchscreens. And they have you convinced you want this. Furthermore the processing power, while impressive, is tiddlywinks compared to a GOOD desktop. I could design, and am working on designing a desktop that outstrips everything else on the market. Not to sell mind you, I'm just turned on by power. You're never going to see power in tablet PCs. What's more I'm turned on by perminence. I invest HUNDREDS yearly trying to keep my data system alive. The fact of the matter is that I need a PC to do it. A desktop. Because we are on the forefront of a revolution in data and phones are missing the boat. All these devices are missing the data boat. Because good data management relies on one thing: expandability. My laptop has 3 USB ports, 2.0 at that and that limits my amount of data I can touch at about 4 Terrabytes. That's alot, but then it's not, not at that speeds and not from a laptop. The interface is subpar. Having it on the go and in any room in the house? worth the investment but it will never suffice as a primary computer. I could go build a computer right now for under 1k that could access with ease over 10 Terabytes of data at speeds that would make you cry. Run as many programs as needed. And best of all it would last 5 years. The average lifetime of laptops is 2, because we burn these damn things out. That's not enough. There are enough people out there like me that feel the same. Because we aren't all tech whores who want to bend over and take it from apple. In 5 more years I'm going to buy a tablet. After I finish designing a supercomputer to run my data network and after I have access to that data in every room in my house. After I program my locks to run by computer, after I design satisfactory security and cameras that I can see anywhere from anywhere in my house. And when I design and do all that it won't be on a laptop, it won't be on a smartphone and it won't be on a tablet. It will be on a PC, from a PC. The original and BEST designed tool for the job. And it always will be.

I can't FUCKING stand this

I can't stand this.
I haven't discussed any of my feelings with anyone in WEEKS. I fucking hate this fucking house, four fucking walls, over and over again I just want to tie a fucking noose and END IT.
I've been playing minecraft. I think I'm sort of hooked on it. A bit. I hate that you know. I shouldn't let myself get hooked on a fucking video game, that I'm up until 3 AM playing it. I've gotten carpal tunnel playing this game. I honestly thought that at this age if I got carpal tunnel playing a game it would be with my wife. I'm going to be fucking 24. ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR.
Do you know what happens to women over 20? In oklahoma? They just bulge. it's like a downhill slope. My hypothosis is that they bulge until they turn 35... or 45. anyway at some point they decide to lose the weight and then they become skinny and bitchy. This is the point at which if we were in a society that had hot women the men would start banging their secretaries. Which I think I might be for now. I didn't used to but now I understand anything a man would do to get away from a woman. I guess. Why can't we find women we love enough to fight for, to actually keep going and work for? And when we do find these women, that we feel this way about, they never feel that way about us. Are we supposed to chase them in a futile fashion until we die? I don't know.
I just had to put a stop to When Harry Met Sally.
It makes me want someone to come to realize they love me.
and she won't.
I'll probably have to move on.
And then someday someone will call her up.
"MNHMMM, I've got some news."
"Yes?"
"Max is dead."
"oh?"
"yeah he drove off the freeway, his car exploded, it was great."
"Oh, that's too bad"

And I guess maybe she'll come to the funeral.
She will likely be the only young woman at the funeral because other than her no woman under 30 has ever cared about me.
I can't find my ex Haley on FB
I can as always find my wife, who won't friend me because she despises me. It's not posted anywhere. She hasn't said so, but it's true. Why would you behave as she does if you didn't dispise me?

Shannon has apparently dissappeared. maybe she's dead. who knows? obviously she didn't want my love. She's the one that told me I loved the girl who I'm stuck on now. She said I had a shot. Of course if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have screwed everything up. Fuck her.

I don't know what on earth anyone is expecting from me. One of the reasons I'm not driving anywhere right now is because I think I would try to kill myself if I got the shot. Not that it matters. Obviously I'm succeeding at not killing myself. It's thanksgiving and my family has promised to make all my favorites.

I'm listening to this message on giving. well I don't know what this message is about really. But he's talking and he says "If you have a problem you don't have a problem you have a god problem." My mind is instantly on my prayer. You know how long I've been praying about this? A year and three months.

"God can provide water in a famine, he can provide food by ravens"

I'm sitting here. Stripped to the bone by my life. I've lost EVERYTHING because of me doing what I thought was right. I've lost all my friends, all my money. Every month I have to scrounge together enough money. I fantasize daily about killing myself. When I'm driving to work or school I daydream about driving the car off the highway and die.

And God says he's going to bless me.
You know when people in the bible laughed? I'd laugh.
I'd laugh if I weren't so crushed by this.
How can he keep doing this to me?
I can't stand this stupid chirpy optimism.

I've lost my wife
my best friends.
Every cent I've ever had.

And you know what else? if I had any more I'd give it too.
I don't have anymore.

I don't know why he challenges me like this.
I dont
I honestly feel unloved right now. My mom loves me, my dad loves me but God? I don't see it.
I don't see how someone, even an allmighty being, can behave this way and claim to love me.
It's just... .either he's working on something, and I can't see it, or he has no regard or love for me at all. There's no other way I can understand.

I'm just going to go pray.

now on a more graphic note

Disclaimer: I'm going to be talking about some rather graphic topics here, so if you have some sort of pure vision of me and want it intact, don't read, if you are too young to buy tobacco, don't read, if you are an 18th century southern belle, don't read. Generally if your sensibilities are offended by anything rated R or above or by sexual content, while this will not be overtly graphic it will have sexual themes so please just skip it and do us all a favor.

Now, it may be a rather shocking topic to break out on but I'd like to talk about pornography. Pornography is a huge push button with the christian crowd, and I do TRY to be sensitive to their pansy ways, but I honestly have no respect for them anymore. I respect a select few individuals who are anti porn for the stance, because they have made a decent arguement for their puritanical ways.
Interesting side note: I have never been on the enforcing side of anti porn, always on the defence. By defence I mean giving in. "Oh I'm soooo sorry for my oh so sinful ways, please forgive me I was SO wrong" minus the sarcasm I obviously feel about it right now. To be honest I have felt guilt about porn. Twice. Once when I was with my wife and I slipped up a number of times, I was guilty of doing something that would hurt her which was defacto a sin in my mind, and I was genuinely sorry. The other time was with a girlfriend who didn't like me doing it. I don't want to get into that one actually.
Let me elaborate a little further on my position on sex in general. Sex is a need. Not a desire, not a sin, it's something your body will crave NATURALLY. Therefor sex addiction and overeating are basicly the same thing. We all have things we need to cut down on. Yet calling it an addiction causes all sorts of other stigma. But I will go on. If you can manage to find a woman to love you who doesn't cheat on you or leave you for another man, then god bless. No, really.
If you can manage that then obviously God is on your side, and you should write a book or at least a pamphlet, go into inspirational speaking and do a conference and I will attend, because obviously you have discovered the shangri la of all mankind and need to draw the rest of us a map. I'm not joking. This has become the lost city of gold in western culture. Everyone claims it exists yet there is no path to it at all. Ask someone how to find it and they assure you it's "out there somewhere, stop looking and it will find you". Sounds like a mystical city to me.

However, for the rest of us that have to live in the real world lets look at the facts: When you are alone you have no choice but to look after your own needs. those needs include sex. How crude, I know. Furthermore if you can manage to look after your needs without giving into temptation and having sex with easy women you should be given a hearty handshake and pat on the back (wash your hands first).

Ok, so after that side rant I get to my point. That point is pornography.
In my opinion there are four grades of porn, note I mean video porn not pictures and NOT stories, that's a whole other game.
There's dirty porn, full of lust, degradation and sex for the sake of dirty nasty your family can never know you think about it sex. It has it's place, but to be honest this accounts for over three quarters of the porn out there.
There's entertaining porn, this means most likely porn with a plot, where the actors start out with their clothes on and there is an at least attempt at seduction. In my humble opinion this is the best of the best, but even many pictures that try to be this miss the bar entirely.
There's art porn. Carefully planned shots, lighting, and there's a statement being made here about beauty. This can be really amazing, but it's rarely made, and therefor even more rarely worth watching.
Finally we get the catagory that all these dump into thousands and thousands of videos a week, I'm not joking at all, bad porn. Bad porn can be funny, it can be arousing in places, but as an overall experience you feel sorry you spent the time watching it, and you can only hope the people who made it are ashamed of themselves. It's not all as terrible as that, but it's all bad.
I remember a year or two ago one of the entertainment porn producers had this horrible HORRIBLE actor who turned everything he starred in into bad porn from my perspective. It might just be a perspective thing, but this guy was just the most unarousing thing aside from seeing someone I respect in my life have sex. And I haven't seen that so this guy set the record for unarousal. Damn that's not right my ex WIFE with her fat ASS set that record. I remember once or twice trying to get hard for that thing. You know how hard it is to look at the woman you love and realize she's not your ideal woman physically, and then try to talk your penis into getting into the game. I did that more often than I care to admit. It's one of the reasons I was ok with her leaving, just so I could stop having to talk the poor guy into getting into the game. Oh and lets not even go into how non womanly she was. She had facial hair. I've seen this twice in women, and ooooh are they sooo embarassed. I never mention it to their face but it is kind of a bad sign that they have that much testosterone, maybe they should cut down on the saturated fats, just saying. Oh and horrible skin just HORRIBLE. Honestly I wonder what my stupid ass was thinking, thinking that this woman who was missing an important bone in her knee, was unlikely for genetic reasons to live past 40, could produce a good genetic offspring. I must have loved that woman because damn, that's the dumbest decision I could have made in my life. Thank God we don't have kids because those kids would be in and out of the doctor so often..... of course assuming her issues are all dominant genetics, they might be recessive then there would be between a 25 and 50 percent chance of those issues showing up.....My ex wife was without a doubt the catoosa of genetics..... and that's where I found her, ahaahahaa. Oh and non nurturing, lets not forget that lovely fact. This woman supposedly wanted kids, God help the poor things if she ever has them. I've been remembering this, me being sick this week, she never did a single thing because she cared about my happiness or to take care of me. It was always about her. I'm probably doing better single and sick than with that useless cow. She never wanted to listen to my problems, I was just supposed to be some emotionless fix it machine. IN fact that's what all these oklahoma women I've met want. emotionless fix it machines that can be dragged around by their penis to various emasculating events. I saw that world so much while I was a married christian man. My God no wonder the world hate's christianity, look at the christian male life. "what christian male life?" that's exactly right because christian men are expected to be cattle. Work all day, make lots of money, have kids, buy a house in the suburbs, do whatever your DAMN woman wants and even if you do you get surprised when she leaves you because "she just can't respect you anymore". Damn it no one respects that poor SOB. Not his wife, not his kids and not his damn community. He's a lapdog to his woman and his woman sooner or later is going to realize how unerotic a male lapdog can be.
Which leads back to the porn thing. Most men like porn. Many are ashamed of it because women tell them to be. I can't prove that but come on. What man wakes up one day and says "You know I think I should be ashamed of my dirty self"..... Men have a hard time understanding shame. This is the gender that brought you fart jokes and beavis and butthead. If men could understand shame they wouldn't create these things. Watch the Man Show, with Adam Carola, and that will give you SOME idea of what men are like.
Look, these are some men, real men:
Charlie Sheen
Adam Carola
Lewis Black
Bill Clinton
John F Kennedy
Heck Ted Kennedy, you know he's a man's man at heart
FDR
(I know there are some republican men, Rush Limbaugh for one, but I'm not in the mood to deal with all of them.)
Teddy Roosevelt is the base model for manhood.
Edmund Hillary

Do you know what makes a man? You see what you want, and you GO for it. Damn the consequences. Most of the men on my list are sexually promiscuous, or where at some point. That's because men like sex. Oh gosh I hope I didn't shatter your worldview with that one.
What men don't like is servicing the same woman night after night, being faithful for year after year only to get CHEATED ON. and only to watch that woman  get less attractive in every damn way while they get more attractive. Because society has decided that money is what makes men attractive. Guess what, any guy with a good investment strategy will get more and more attractive year after year. What do women have to offer? Seriously I'm asking. Supposedly nurturing and kindness but as I said, that's the hidden city of Gold.... mistyped God there, maybe it is the hidden city of God, because God only knows where these mystical women hide before getting snapped up into permanent monogamous relationships.
Your average woman, mind you this is in oklahoma, is FAT, has SELF CONFIDENCE PROBLEMS, no future plans, is either stupid as god made her or has made herself that way by surrounding herself with the brainwashing society we live in, or by drugs. And hence why men turn to porn. If good women exist then they should advertise. You aren't the fucking field of dreams, if you build it yeah they will come, but God only knows who, because it's not me. No one let me know about the mystical baseball field in the middle of nowhere. Someone DRAW ME A MAP.
So some bad porn, or passable porn has women who are obviously acting. This I have decided is a good thing, because after all my experiences one thing I know, the lackluster performance you recieve in bed will be about the equal of a bad porn actress. And women are surprised at the results....

Never a dull moment

You know, after typing that heading I realize that now is as close to a dull moment as I can experience. well actually I take that back, being out in public and feeling like this would be much more tedious and difficult.

Anyway around to the point: I'm sick. I don't know what it is but I think I know why I'm sick, and that's because I've been running myself ragged, and I've been spending MANY more hours among people. Everything has a price I suppose.

I decided not to join the national guard, on the basis that the incentive does not outbalance the risk. They wanted to offer me a couple hundred a month, plus partial school benefits, and lets see... that's it.
For this they want a minimum 6 year commitment. The limits on the GI bill are ridiculous. They use phrases like "up to" 50k for school. That sounds familiar doesn't it? Like when I was in sales and they talked about how rich I was going to be. It's an incentive, granted it may seem a large incentive, however given my abilities and how much time is involved I don't think it's a fair offer. In my humble opinion they should pay all college expenses, regardless of how high they get as long as they all fit into a degree plan. That would make more sense. It's similar to how cell phone companies used to have "unlimited data plans" but they actually cut off your service and canceled your contract when you used more than 5 gigs of data, over a whole month. Bait and switch almost. But from reading their site you can see that they assume you are so worked up over how wonderful their benefits are, and we know they aren't actually. Add in the danger of losing my life. Oh and the silent draft.... just heard about that actually.
Ok, I just did some research on that... just to have the facts.
fact 1: when you sign a military contract with the guard you are subject to being called back within 2 years (that's the offer they gave me, your mileage may vary).
fact 2: there is something called stop loss, and if you HAVE been deployed to a war zone during your tour they can force you to reenlist, because they need you on the ground in iraq or afganistan or wherever the country decides to drop troops.
Questionable second hand fact 3: The military will twist your arm into reenlisting by giving you a choice between reenlisting of your own accord or they will send you to a war zone so you can be covered by stop loss.
fact 4: it's all in the fine print.

Now even if we could ignore fact 3 (which is the worst of the bunch) this still doesn't sound like the sort of organization I would want to work for. Actually let me be a bit more clear, it doesn't sound like a deal that is worth the paltry sum they give you for the risk.
All business deals are a risk/reward calculation. Let's say I want to buy a house. The risk is that the market will drop and put me underwater on my investment, or that the costs to keep everything repaired outstrip my budget. Both of those have happened incidentally to me. The reward however is that houses are a good hedge against inflation, and in addition you don't throw away thousands a year renting an apartment. In the case of my house it's more secure and in a much more relaxing neighborhood than any apartment I've ever lived in.
Once you calculate the risk and balance it with reward you will see whether this investment will be prudent. The risk of military service is about as high as anything I've ever heard of.... with the possible exception of marriage. Losing your life, and in many cases your sanity as a result of living in a war zone is a giant risk.  The rewards on the other hand are disappointing... again similar to marriage. You are at the mercy of the military, part of a giant system which includes in it's mission statement to kill people. And finally you have to make a time commitment to them, they promise next to nothing in return for that commitment.

On the romance front.... I was talking to one girl and she just dropped off the radar. Now a new one has contacted me. Young but fairly intelligent, I happen to know she's been on the market for a year. she's a poet. She definitely is worth getting to know, after that who knows?

your future is a horror story written by your crimes

Doomed scrooge, doomed for all time
your future is a horror story written by your crimes
your chains are forged by what you say and do
so have your fun when life is done a nightmare waits for you

a song made me cry. Not that one, which I'm not going to attribute because I have bigger fish to fry, but a song about the one that got away. No I didn't know it before today, it just... showed up. and stabbed me through the heart

List of songs that have made me cry:
Katy Perry-The one that got away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk
Better than a hallelujah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0&ob=av2e
and for entirely different reasons: He was walking her home

oh and you are my sunshine, that song still breaks my heart


I linked to the videos because in many ways they are what broke me down
Two things disturb me about my grief process, one is that I mourn entirely different things than other people
two my grief process doesn't have a normal timetable
and three I cannot process my emotions in any healthy or clean way. The grit makes it process. By grit I mean what christians would call sin. I don't know if it's sin, if something keeps me alive it almost always shifts over to nourishment and becomes unremovable..... hence the smoking, and the porn and the over the counter drugs. They keep me functioning, and FYI I hate that they are needed. I don't hate any of those things individually, aside from the expense I have no problem with the activities themselves, I have a problem with that I hurt so much that I need them.
side note: I think I might be sick
what else? what else?
you know aside from her presence in my life as someone to love I don't miss my wife, or many women. just the one really..... and she got away....... every woman I still wonder about got away. Not by my choice.... I don't destroy relationships I care about.

You could have been my girl
if you'd ask me I would move the world for you
you could have been my world
but you just never saw
that all this time you were the one I was waiting for

That's one of mine.

it irritates me that now I am willing to join the military and my wife.... ex wife has moved on. If she had just been supportive and helped me process we'd still be together, did you know that?
I didn't until the past three months. over a year too late.....

Don't it always seem to go
that you dont know what you've got til it's gone
pave paradise and put up a parking lot

Supposedly regrets aren't my style. Neither is crying for that matter. What can I say? at the moment I am forgotten..... no one left to live up to their standards. I almost died this morning... daydreamed about it a bit on the way to school. Is that sick or what?

decisions....... and I am somewhat undecided

So it's important to note that having no future changes a man. At some point, to be more specific the point in which your only future is paying a woman to carry your child, and a future without that is a hopeless wasteland. Not saying the future WITH that is any sort of fantasy or "achievement"
To explain why that is I need to further explain how I see myself. I am a huge pile of wasted potential. If I had made certain choice decisions I could be happily married, and or graduated from college, and or quite well off financially. To be anything less is a failure to WHO I am. I could be a doctor, an MD even, or on the fast track to be a US senator or the top of any field I chose. I could have enough money to buy what I want, anything I want. But I missed the boat on all of that. At some point a man has to realize that the past is the past and the future is the future, and they don't mix. Each has their share of oppertunity. The very least i can do at this point in my life is to push the envelope forward genetically, and to live the rest of my life as comfortable and happy as I can. Maybe I can write a book. But marrying the right woman, and having the career I am capable of is a ship that sailed loooong ago.
One goal I determined would dominate this decade is getting my PhD. At the time it seemed easy, as I had faith in the student aid system. This semester has eroded away every bit of faith in the student aid system. And most of my faith in God while we're discussing it. I'm now coming to realize that if I try to rely on student aid to do the job it was put there for, I'm going to lose my house, which incidentally is the culmination of all the investments I have ever made in my life. So I have to think about other options. Other options being the national guard...... And when you realize that my life serves little purpose OTHER than to achieve this PhD and have a child, both of which cost quite a large amount of money..... I'm not counting on unreliable bets, namely women and the financial aid system. Neither work to the function that God put them on earth to achieve. It is written "If a tree does not bare fruit then order it cut down and thrown into the fire" So..... that's where I stand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GbSwYce4pA
And you can take that to the bank, lord knows I can't
That bitch took me for everything!!!

oh yes.... big bang theory you are the show for me

pain

I didn't go to school today
I almost killed myself last night
I talked to the woman I care for last night too
as far as what is significant, I think everything and nothing is
"you're a bartender who is close to liqueur all night and you AREN'T an alcoholic, obviously you don't know how to seize an opportunity" says a girl who has a crush on this guy, I don't know why that just describes me SO well. I lived with the best girl I could ever have found and we never dated. Obviously I fail to seize an opportunity.... maybe it was the best opportunity I'll ever have. I don't know.
I just saw pictures of the first girl, the girl the whole phenomena is named for, Laurel. She is IT, I swear, the reason that I said I would never love someone without it being mutual. She's changed you know. She's grown into someone new. I hardly recognize her. She might be more amazing, might not. I'll never know. I just think it's amazing how much someone can change in 5 years. yes that's right it's been 5 years since I loved her. Maybe it's like the Maya calander, and loving someone I can't have is part of the cycle..... wonder what would have happened if I was still married....... woah where did that come from? That's a debbie downer moment if ever there was one.
The girl that got away wanted my advice...... at least I mean something to her right? see that? That right there. Saying something like that is a symptom of the insanity that loving someone I can't have causes. I sort of told her about my situation...... without of course telling her it was her I wanted.... needed. For an emotional guy I keep alot bottled up inside
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KBthi_An5qQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I yelled at myself last night. I was so mad at myself for being such a putz. Feeling sorry for myself..... lots of BS. Maybe that's why I get into abusive relationships.
This is a beautiful quote "Scrooge liked the cold.
He was hard and sharp as a flint.
Secretive, self contained.
As solitary as an oyster. "

I really do identify with that character. It bothers me somewhat actually that I have been trying to slide through this classic Dickens story in reverse.  I long to be the giant of a man that scrooge is at the beginning, because you see from the perspective of this man that is the ultimate achievement. I learned not to cry at some point during my childhood. Even during the past year and a half, the most painful moments of my life I smoke instead of crying. because to be melancholy I must be using something to break down the inhibitions. My inhibitions in sharing my pain are growing stronger all the time. Every time I try to be myself and all I receive is either ridicule or complacency, or worse still being ignored entirely, I discovery that deep down I am alone. No matter what sort of front I put up I am alone. As solitary as an oyster.
"as he made his way up the staircase,  caring not a button for the darkness. darkness was cheap, and scrooge liked it" 

the one that got away

alright, first of all I'd like to note I am sitting in the dark in my room typing this because my brain is holding my consciousness hostage until I deal with the emotions I'm feeling, and I am not in the mood to drug up to avoid feeling my feelings. It's not that I don't approve of the method, it's that it interferes with my sleep wake cycle in a way that ruins several days of work. And I need to be GOOD at work tomorrow.
So what I want to talk about is rules and guidelines, I set them for my brain, and today it has become official, I apparently can't follow them. For reasons that I'll get further into I have/had a rule established, a simple dating rule that has changed my whole approach to dating. This is it: chase girls that want me, avoid girls that dont.
Now that may seem logical in and of itself, but for various reasons in my late teens it wasn't, which led to the event I usually label: Max goes crazy over a girl. I don't mean crazy in a sweet way. I mean literally, obsessively crazy. Let's actually break down how crazy. I met my wife in the backlash of that crazy and it sort of led me to being stupid enough to marry her. THAT is how crazy. I was dealing with the backlash for over a year afterwards. And, here is the crazy part, the girl that inspired the feelings never had any idea, and when she did find out she rejected me. Again, life changing stuff.
But the point of today isn't just rehashing how bad that was, it's considering what is going on with me. I am single right now, for various reasons this is meaning I'm starting to slow down for the first time in a little over a year. At one point that made me realize I had loved my wife and I missed her. Today it made me realize in a way more real than ever that I do love someone else. I love the girl that got away.
So I won't name names, we can keep calling her the one that got away. But I realized, as I have several times and tried to beat it back into submission, that I love the girl that got away. I met the girl that got away one year ago. We had a one night stand, and it was clearly implied that was all it was ever to be. I felt amazing afterwards. I still don't know why, but I did. Then I didn't talk to her for three months, because shortly after the event she fell hard for another guy. I don't share women and I don't chase women who don't want me, those are the rules. Makes my life simpler. Then we started talking again, online. I started really opening up to her, I don't know why, I'm pretty easy to read if you want the truth. quite alot of things happened. She ended up pregnant. at one point she suggested we date, I had never thought of her that way, but once she acted interested, well it just made me think alot. In the end she ended up moving in. She became my best friend, though we never had sex, I never had felt that close with a woman, intellectually. We cohabitated very well. Then I had to louse it up. I started dating a girl who got jealous of her and I let that come between us, and she moved out and moved away. before she moved out the girl I was dating and I broke up, because the girl I was dating told me, quite explicitly, that I loved the girl that got away. How could I deny that I had feelings for the girl that got away? of course I did. I tried to stop her leaving, but I couldn't. So I dated another girl just to not be alone. that didn't work out. Now the girl that got away is dating another man, as she always has been. I feel like I'm last on her list of priorities.  Once or twice I've tried to talk to her about how I feel. She never tells me how she feels about me. I want her. I daydream about her. I think I might be in love with this girl who is my best friend, and I don't know how to tell her, because how could I? What if that ruins any chance of me having her in my life as a friend? How can I tell her that it makes me ache seeing her chase other men, when all I want is to be the man she wants? How can I talk about how much I care about her, and I don't care about sex, or any of that, all I care about is that she's my best friend, and I trust her with everything. Except this. I'm so full of contradictions right now. I promised I'd never want someone I couldn't have. Yet I want her. It seems many of the things I want I can't have. I don't know. I'm lifting it up to God, because heck if I know what to do with it.

dream log

So just a quick update this morning. I had a dream that I think is of some importance so I figured I'd log it.

Lets see, for whatever reason Nikki was back in town and we were talking
we were talking about it working between us
she was apparently reluctant to make it work
then she changed her mind, and she said that we would have to work on breaking down the barriers she had built between her and feeling her feelings
then she said she loved me
and I told her I loved her
then my dad was angry about my door being closed
and I lied to him about what was going on, and he was suspicious

the whole time with nikki, in the dream, it felt like something vaguely sexual was going on. I'm not certain what.


So for my interpretation:
I miss Nikki, that explains a bit.
I've wanted her to have those feelings for me, explains quite a bit more.
as far as my dad? that's an odd thing. My thought is that the whole situation with the closed door reminds me of something I saw in the transformers movie the other night, so that might have made it creep into my dream. I also get the general sense that he doesn't approve of me going out with Nikki, or being involved with her period.

I don't need to take action on anything because of this

solitude

So given the fact that I have no one to have meaningful conversations with, I suppose venting to my blog is a good outlet for my daily ideas, frustrations, and general rambling.
It's an interesting paradox, being alone. On one hand it's enormously rewarding. Take for example food. I can survive on less than 20 dollars a week if I don't eat out (I do eat out from being alone, but that's another story). I don't go on dates right now, though I do have the time again. Oh in a bit of side note I took the job back.

On the other hand though I have no one to share the news of my daily life with. My parents are pretty much it and they don't really give me enough feedback. I desire feedback, discussion, some sort of meaning and way to help me process the things that happen in an average day of my life. My friends are all drifted away, and I don't know if I'm going to make new ones.

Back to why I am alone. I don't like people. I don't trust them for one, and second I have little use for them. I enjoy the short term exchanges.... I enjoy friendships when I have them, but for whatever reason don't go search out new ones when I lack any. If only I could have that much apathy for dating.

I had a discussion with a lady at school today about having kids. She's pregnant and we were talking about the practical matter of having kids. So I happened to mention that I don't know when or how I will have kids, at least by the traditional method. And then I told her about the method I am working on, namely the surrogate process, embryo selection, that whole good thing. She disapproved. Said that I shouldn't deprive the other embryo's a chance at life. To which I counterargued that they wouldn't have a chance anyway without me making a plan...... and she drifted away from the conversation. See what I mean about people? Absolutely useless to providing meaningful feedback.

I keep putting up personal ads, I think by habit at this point, and the responses just don't get me interested. I want............. love I suppose, meaningful friendship, a connection with someone that I have lacked for the past year and a half. I miss my wife horribly right now, even though I know how bad for me she would be at this present moment. Making demands, lowering my efficiency. Doesn't stop me from remembering the good times though. See, the bad memories were the easy ones. Because I could just think "Well good thing I got rid of the person who did THAT"..... the good memories make me sad. I had something.... I want to say wonderful, but I know in my heart it was just satisfactory. I was content. Oh well. All water under the bridge.

I'm having God issues right now. I still don't understand what, if anything, he is doing. I feel as strongly as ever that it is my destiny to move to that property in Denver. The vision has not and I suspect will not go away. Yet he gives me no hope....... aside from that I am sure of his ability to do it. His ability is unquestioned. His will is. And I suppose that's where my faith fails. Because no matter how much ego and how much I like myself I will still be doubtful of someone else doing something to benefit me until it happens. I love him, but he has not done anything about it. I don't even know if he cares about me or my dreams at all.

missing her

I am officially done with the first job I've taken and had a shot at since my marriage ended.... and I don't want to talk about it
I never thought I'd say this, or I should say I never thought I would mean this: I miss my wife.
I really do. It's painful to realize that I could have done more to save my marriage. I mean I always suspected that while it was happening I could have stopped it, but for the life of me I couldn't have figured it out. Of course I don't know now whether the me I was then could have done all that I've done since she left.
I did love her. Just for the record. Which is why it bothers me so much that I can't remember what her voice sounded like. I can remember holding her in my arms, so many times. I remember cooking with her in our little apartment. I remember getting in fights and making up before I could make it down the stairs. I remember holidays together. I thought we were happy.... I guess something I did..... I swear I still think it has to do with me not having enough money for her...... in many ways I'm still trying to be good enough..... or at least get good enough for that not to happen to me again.


I wish I could get away from here. I pray about it almost every night...... with no results.... yet.

So now that I have time again I'm going to consider dating some more.

I don't know if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for. I don't know that I'm looking for the right thing either.

you know life would be perfect right now if my wife was still by my side.... assuming we were getting along that is. If I had just decided to go back to school then, and maybe joined the national guard...... then right now I would still be with her, not him.
I hate that she's still alive and living with another man. It makes my skin crawl.
I also hate that no one gives a damn about me or my pithy life.
I hate that she said we'd stay friends, that was such a lie.
I hate that she's still fat, and still the exact same person she was when she was married to me.
I hate that she's trying to lose weight for him, because apparently I wasn't enough
I hate that she looks happy.

an unexpected perk of single life

So for the past year and a half this month I have been out of my marriage, been dating, two relationships and 5 women slept with, yes in fact I do keep track.
For confidentiality I will go only by first names:
1. Nikki
2 Jenn
3: unknown girl in february or march, my dates are kind of fuzzy
4 Shannon
5 Haley

Bringing my yearly average to 3 and a half for the past two years, of course I'm going by calender year
On the other hand this year, the second year, while I have doubtless increased the number of women I have slept with, as far as frequency goes it is on the decline. For instance with #3 it was a one night stand, a horrible one, I could tell war stories. same, in a different way with #4
#5 takes the prize this year for frequency, giving me more than 25 times to learn from.
Yes I'm being public, yes I'm being blunt.

Now for the reason I am in review mode, I am once more single, I had two relationships over this fall, and when the second one ended for various reasons I was uninterested in entering into a third, mostly for damage control reasons. Most of the time when I remain single for months on end it's a damage control effort.
So right before that relationship ended I recieved a job offer, which I am on the first week of right now. A realization that I had way back at the beginning of my enforced solitude was that most of my work conflicts had roots in my romantic life. In particular my marriage took much of my energy. I saw a radical change in fact from when I was unmarried to being married in that my job success took a nosedive and never fully recovered.
So now there is nothing, and I mean nothing, to stop me from working every minute of the day I can, and that I can be scheduled. 31 hours next week. This sort of work ads up in a big way on payday. So the net result is that 1: I'm more busy, productive, and therefor in theory healthier, 2: my wallet gets a little more fat and 3: my social needs are met and in fact overflowing.
Which leads to my point. I'm not dating unless a sign from God occurs or a woman that literally takes my breath away shows up. I'd much rather be alone and well off than with someone and poor. That's just the nature of the beast of my life. Furthermore if I can maintain this level of activity over the course of years, and can combine it with relatively good fiscal management, I can keep my house (hopefully), upgrade my standard of living (mind you it isn't bad already, just needing some tweaks), and eventually if plans work out begin building my fortune. From such small beginnings come larger progress. Furthermore by avoiding women (who I don't know if you've noticed, but are the source of most financial hardship), I avoid accumulating more debt and as a net result by the time I'm 40 could be a millionaire, or living the lifestyle of one.
So in the spirit of the season I want to list the upgrades to my lifestyle, in priority order
1. Full large tech upgrade, new desktop, new big screen tv, and some accessories to go with it
2: garage door lock
3: large winter coat
4: washer/dryer
5: furniture
6: Small tech upgrades: router, network drive(s), bedroom tv, hardware upgrades to PC, perhaps when the price point is low enough employing a second PC to run certain household functions
7: appliance repairs, ice maker and dish washer
8 3 piece suit
9 double breasted suit
10 dress boots
11 small clothing items, french cuff shirts, tie tacks, tie pins, cuff links, ties, hats, canes

Consumption related culture

In the beginning, God created perfect man.

Just center on that for a second
Perfect man, God in flesh, the only perfect replica

Immortal, disease free
LOW MANTAINENCE
God wanted one like him to share the wonder of creation with. To teach everything. Imagine how much you could achieve
Then man wanted other humans......first mistake
I want to remind you that it wasn't god's original plan to make companionship
but he made woman. To satisfy man's desire for companionship
And I propose that having that companionship was addictive in and of itself
lets continue
So man and woman are happy in the garden. But then satan comes along and tempts the woman
Now I know this is sexist, but here is my down low on satan going for the woman, I will remind you first that there is no other sin in the garden, no way to break down and rationalize much, unless you could appeal to emotional, and physical desires. So tempting the man would be a tougher job, at least as far as breaking down his reasoning and convincing him logically to eat the apple. So the snake knew that convincing emotionally was easier, and it would be easiest on a female who is not as logic based as man. Now they get kicked out of the garden. Suddenly, no longer immortal, those old drives kick back in and they start kicking out babies LIKE CRAZY. As much as is humanly possible to support alive. Not many diseases around to target the HUMAN nervious system, so man lived much longer. So lets say the original ratio was 5 to 1, meaning one adult supports five kids, and at least partially a spouse, more accurately from a labor standpoint it only works as 10 to 2. and it's usually much more for men, have to say, because mongamy hadn't been invented. Somewhere around abraham's time people figured out how to become independantly wealthy. Now I'm not talking about Gold, I'm talking about so wealthy they could swell their offspring into hundreds, probably thousands, simply by good investment policy (lets ignore war in this)
Now, fast waaaaay forward to modern era. Modern industry and business figures out how to profit from this arrangement, they reduce the working ratio down to 3 to one at best. that's 6 to 2 in our modern way of looking at things. Now they use those resources that men would normally put into more offspring into feeding industry, when slavery failed they realized that it would still be built on the back of people, but in a more stealthy way. By robbing each man of the ability to have more children, slowly but surely family size diminshed. Then somehow economic plague TOOK over, things like divorce, debt, foreclosure and other wealth damaging plague broke out, thanks to modern banking. Meaning that companionship, and consumption, bodily pleasure has sucked away our vital ability to provide. A single man can grow so much more wealthy than a man with a family, because he eats less, spends less, and earns more into the bargain. Furthermore a man who makes mistakes (marrying the wrong woman, ESPECIALLY HAVING KIDS WITH HER, and letting her know where he keeps the valuables.) will be completely an indentured servant to them for all his productive days.
This is my hypothosis, and no, I can never provide any proof

Pride, my life and adventures with it, and how it changed my life

So, lots of things have happened, two actual relationships ending in one year is quite a thing, I've already capped all my relationship goals for the year so I'm just ready to spend the rest of it alone, unless other plans come along. Never rule out God, it's a rule.

The focus of this essay is intended to be the personal change I have experienced through the value of one word: pride. It has many names, with many different connotations. Examples include hubris, self confidence, vanity, narcissism, being self centered, and a host of others. Our culture (american western culture that is) has HUGE problems with this particular trait. I'm sure you can tell by how many of the words I listed have horrible negative connotations. My wife at least in some part left me because of my pride. It doesn't come without it's cost. Christians in particular hate it. I can't count the number of times I've heard someone in a christian recovery group say "I have issues with pride". And here is what kills me, everyone just nods and admires them for dealing with this problem they have. I hope to give you some idea of what is wrong with that point of view.

First to tell my story you need just a little background. I was born in the bible belt, raised christian by two very nurturing parents, and have never been one of the normal guys. So not fitting it in it should make sense that I didn't exactly exude self confidence in my early adult years. It's hard to be confident when your society makes it clear you don't belong. All that changed when my wife left. She had treated me so horribly, like so many women before and suddenly my brain just stood up and said "I've had enough, I don't deserve this." That was the foundation of pride forming. I started wearing clothes that accent my better features, reading more and working out to invest in myself.
     
 The reasoning is simple: No one is going to stick around for me like me. There is no more certainty of investment return than investing in something that CANNOT be taken from you. That means unless you have a valuable possession grafted to your skin, your mind and body are the only truly long term investments you have. Now let's talk about the benefits for a minute. In the benefit column if you take pride in yourself, love yourself if you will, you'll almost always have what you want. It's so much easier to ask, easier to recieve and easier to take care of someone you love. A major boon in the emotional catagory (though also a stumbling block, you cannot ignore that factor) is that if you love yourself suddenly people who are emotionally bad for you are unappealing to the extreme. It makes decision making easier, both romantically and career wise. Just ask one simple question: "is this decision in my best interest?"

Now I want to talk about the obstacles that you will have put in your way. If you strive for anything really great then you're going to face some problems. In this case the problem is people. If you are a man then women will hate this about you, even though they will rarely say so. The reason is fairly straight forward, and that is the fact that women in this country are used to men falling all over themselves to try and impress them. Here is the truth: if you are doing your job right then they'll be more than impressed, if they are the right type of woman for you. Taking pride in your appearance, especially if you decide to stand out as I have will get you some major ribbing from your fellow human beings. Oh and if you are a christian few will ever believe you.

Imagine if you will

I'm pretty disappointed in life right now. At least not currently ROMANTICALLY frustrated, but career wise I really am quite unhappy.
So I had a dream, a vision, that I lifted up to God, an entirely new lifestyle I was praying for, a career, a future, security, it had quite a bit of good things in it. I asked God that if that was his will for my life, would he please show me how to get there. Because you see it's not something I could do myself, at least not from this part of my life, it was something so crazy that a huge miracle would be the only way it could happen. So I prayed. And waited. Then one day last week I felt suddenly like maybe it was time to move on this again. So I learned all I could, planned out all the details, I was so READY for God to make a move. But then....... He..... Did..... Not.

So when I sensed that perhaps my intuition had failed to accurately predict what would happen, I offered up a follow up. IF God wanted me to move, then I'm ready, but if not could he not make my life so.... dissappointing. Again, I was ready for God to move, in ANY way. Things did not change.

So do you want to know the way things are going now? I can make a good life here. I know that, God has a very small part in that because at the moment I have run into a wall in my spiritual development. As long as I am trapped in this bubble, and God shows complete indifference to my requests (which I have to say is rather unbiblical, way to not line up with your own word there God), I can't move forward. At least not with him.

On my own for certain I can continue to push bounderies, reach new levels of success, and perhaps find ultimate happiness through the realization of my own abilities with this same level of sort of help from the world. I was looking to maybe be less self centered and self reliant. I had hoped that God would see that I don't think that is a healthy way to go. At least not to the extreme. But since he is the only one I respect enough (and honestly I wonder why) to completely surrender my will, this is the only way I know to learn to rely on him more. Growth requires two things: the medium which provides the energy to grow, and the area in which to grow. Kept in a small bowl a fish will remain the same size, but kept in a larger bowl, and provided with sufficient food to eat, it can grow as big as it wants. We might call this opportunity.

What I'm living in right now, is a lack of opportunity to grow and become a better follower of him. Really even to become a better person. I am stifled. This life I'm living is doing that. Now, lets pretend God is the fish owner, which he really is (you could also run a parent child analysis.) Now if you loved your fish, and that fish obviously would thrive more in a larger tank, and you had the resources to provide it (we assume that God has the resources, though that would be an interesting discussion of this flaw), why would you not provide the best environment for that fish to grow, and in fact provide barely enough to keep your fish alive? This concept is covered in the book of matthew chapter 7, I paraphrase: "If your son asked you for a loaf of bread, would you give him a snake or a rock? No. So if you being evil know how to give good gifts, how much better do you think God is at it?" again, I paraphrase. The point is obvious. God is supposed to be a good parent. So for whatever reason this painful situation is his idea of a good gift. If that is the case that alone is enough to convince me that he doesn't understand me in the slightest, or care for me. If he thinks being restrained from growth, being in pain is a way to provide for me. Well, it's disappointing. Suppose your dad was a very rich man. Lets also imagine that you need a new car. You go to your dad and say "Can I have a car dad? I've picked this one out, it will be the best possible car for my needs, and you'd never miss the money, wouldn't you be happier seeing me happy?" And your dad gets up, and walks out of the room. You leave him messages, try to relay messages through his voicemail, secretary. Over time it will become obvious that he has no intention of helping you. Now you are in the same position. You can go earn the money to buy a car. You'll probably end up buying a car that is in bad repair, and probably wont last very long because your resources are limited.
You may wonder, because I do, why your dad would behave this way. Doesn't he love you? doesn't he want you to have good things? The answer is that your dad is some sort of special exception to the normal guidelines that apply to parents. Your dad is always right. So you, by definition, must be wrong for wanting such a nice car. Why you greedy little brat, who do you think you are? Your dad doesn't have to do anything for you. You're lucky your dad does anything for you. You're lucky your dad keeps paying your health insurance so that when you get into a fatal car accident because your brakes lock up because you bought a substandard car,  they MIGHT be able to save your worthless life.
This is why a man might be tempted to worship money, dedicate his life to earning enough money to no longer need his dad who does not care to have any input in his life. This is why people turn away from God. I haven't completely, but the temptation is there. Because I have no idea how to be happy about a future in which I keep following him, waiting for him to care. I don't feel comfortable pouring myself out to someone who I don't respect, and I don't respect someone who lies. Yes they aren't lies when the person telling them is the maker of all reality, I'm just interpreting it all wrong.

So now, based on this

the problem about women.... a constant concern

So I just published some drafts that had sat in my outbox waiting for my life to go to hell to get published. Lucky them it did. Nikki, my best friend is moving for a few months and possibly forever, Shannon, my former girlfriend is done with me, and in a few days I will be utterly alone apart from family. Somehow this is supposed to be of God. This just sucks, plain sucks.
I decided Nikki needed to move to make shannon comfortable, because I loved her... in my way. And of course I felt it was the best thing for the situation. Last night shannon gets online.... this is a large portion of the important words in that conversation, because I don't have the strength to try and reexplain:
"(8:18:02 PM) Max, aka that one guy who had a mustache, but doesn't now: of course there is the remote possability that after hearing my possition you could decide I'm completely out of my nut, and you can't be with a guy like that... and that I totally get too
(8:18:47 PM) Batmansss979: Want my very blatant, drunken honesty? (as I am also rather drunk and WAY overtired)(8:20:16 PM) Max, aka that one guy who had a mustache, but doesn't now: *braced for honesty*(8:21:12 PM) Batmansss979: I think you're out of your nut for trying so hard to be with me when you could put the same amount of effort (in a different way) into Nikki and be paired up with someone who makes you much happier. That's what I've been pondering for about the past week. And it's REALLY got me pondering. Heavily. 'cause DAMNED if I want to be the one "responsible" for you kicking her out of your house if you two are as good for each other as you sound on Facebook, and as I hear when you tal about her.(8:21:38 PM) Batmansss979: You want puppies and kitties and rainbow unicorns looooooooove emotions with a girlfriend. And you don't have that with her. And I get that(8:21:57 PM) Batmansss979: But I ReALLY think your life will be missing something substantial if she moves out of it.(8:22:11 PM) Batmansss979: THAT is my last week's pondering.(8:22:22 PM) Batmansss979: And my very blatant, drunken honesty(8:24:28 PM) Max, aka that one guy who had a mustache, but doesn't now: I appreciate it, however as to how to reply? oh so many long stories that I can't even frame properly because it would involve SO much explaining about Nikki, and lots of that isn't my story to tell(8:24:48 PM) Batmansss979: I know you've got every reason in the world why you don't love her.(8:25:03 PM) Batmansss979: But I'm telling you... from the outside looking in? It's VERY obvious you do(8:25:13 PM) Batmansss979: And I really DO think you could get her(8:25:22 PM) Batmansss979: If you would be willing to put the effort into it"

So we broke up. and I asked nikki not to move, and told her I wanted to date her. Because I do... did whatever. Nikki is a better friend than any other woman, more loyalty than anyone I've known, and I want her to be part of my life, so sacrifices had to be made.
But she's still going......... because it's best for her kids. SO... essentially I'm screwed. God has helped lead me down a path to my destruction. AGAIN. and we wonder why my faith is so messed up. I try to make it work with one woman, it doesn't, try again with someone more friendship compatable who at least loves me on the friend level, again......... this doesn't really help.

Anyway, the problem about women is they can't be relied upon, I have met none that can. You need them the most, and they walk out on you. "God has a plan" they will tell you fairly often. Also "I want you to be happy"..... with all the FUCKING women who want me happy I should be the happiest millionaire, with alligators in the conservatory, a singing butler and three kids. And I'm not, not yet anyway.
I believe in the bible, I believe in uncle sam and as sure as old glory waves above
I believe a man that's hurting has the right to demand that some woman give him sympathy and love
what's wrong with that? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
The flag above, the bible and love? what's wrong with that?
I was a good hearted husband, both generous and kind
no wife could have had a life as free of cares
and when a good hearted husband has been hurt it'd be only right
for his wife to share the agony he bares
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?
I wanted my wife to share my life what's wrong with that.....

I could go on on that track.
The point is women are a waste of time from a companionship standpoint, as I see it now. If I'm wrong I beg to be proved wrong. They take your hard earned money, affection and love, and all they give you back is contempt, disloyalty and untrustworthyness. So what's a man to do? we're made to reproduce, are we not? Go forth and multiply the bible says (note it says nothing about algebra in the bible.... a rant for another time perhaps)
Or from the biology perspective, an organism's primary purpose is to produce offspring to continue it's genetic line. How does a man do that when the female of the species so fails to perform her duty? Yes I know that other men are reproducing but that does nothing to satisfy my need for offspring.
So I realized that for me to be happy it must be blood of my own blood, flesh of my flesh. and again, since I can't do it the traditional way I came upon the idea of either just a surrogate mother with excellent genetics, or get an egg donor with good genetics and the surrogate carries the child, or finally I clone myself and screw other people's lousy genetics. Oh and I'm also working on how to live longer to improve my chances of having a legacy. oh and thanks to gene therapy even with cloning I can be sure that my children will be a step up from me, genetically speaking. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/gene-therapy-for-the-unborn-1777725.html

Love without anger.... confusion and tribulation

another one for the hidden draft bin of my life, to be published in better times one way or another. Either things will get better, or they get better, I don't take other options.
Of course shannon is the topic of my rant today. It's really hard to love someone who is doomed to never feel anything like that for you. Really I'm just hoping God hears my prayers and my confusion here. I'm doing what is right by this relationship but I feel NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER. She's obviously planning to live her life in perpetual transition. She wants to move to Houston or wherever for her PHD........... that really should be bad enough God. I never wanted to live in Texas again in my life, it's like kansas, no bloody use to anyone. This woman hates oklahoma, the state I ended up setting up my first home in and I will always have warm feelings about that. She loves apartment living.... which I have always despised. She likes going out and spending money to have a good time, I have a fucking great time spending no money at all, or pennies on the hour versus dollars on the hour. She likes exchanging money for feeling good for a moment, I prefer long term rewards. She doesn't want to own a house.... I do. It's like she aspires to be in a difficult situation the rest of her life. What do I do with this? I'm in no position to correct her. She needs to realize this path is a dead end on her own. Now, Houston I could forgive, maybe even cope with. But after that she's leaving for Australia. I see no reason to. I feel little desire to leave my homeland. My family is here. I understand economics here. Despite it's errors it is far better here than to move to a new country so she can be with her family. My love can't break me like this anymore. If you had brought me her instead of Lindsay.... Absolutely all this would be possible. But I went through so much growth towards being a more stable person in my marriage. Economically and emotionally this is the lifestyle that keeps me safe.
So...... this entire thing is set to blow up sooner or later. I'm not going to do anything more than hold my ground on who I am. I must do that. And if that means I will not be with this woman, despite my feelings and commitment to her, I will choose what's right for my life. I made sacrifices before and now I'm only older and wiser instead of older and richer, both in status and in resources. Everything going on in my life is making it look like most of all I must find a way to get very rich to create happiness. I hate this. You know, if I were to do what makes me happy..... yes it would involve a few high dollar items, but long term investments that would appreciate. All I want is the Denver dream, with a truck and a sports car, for the rest of my life that's what I want. If a woman wants to be part of that, then great. But until I see a new future for my career, or things change, that is what I believe God is working on. I lifted it up in prayer, and I believed. I have faith in that, if nothing else. This woman? I love her. I have loved her emotionally, and that is being robbed from me by my doubts and by the fact that she could never return it. I do love her as a choice. But love is doing what is best for her. What is best for her is that she not twist my arm into going somewhere I cannot stand, or I will blame her for it every second of it, and it will be agony for both of us and kill the relationship. As far as the economics that are needed to make us work, well, if it was meant to be they will come, otherwise God will provide perfectly fine without me, or without her, depending on your point of view. I won't force her to change because that's wrong. I won't change for her because that would be wrong. I can grow naturally towards her, and her towards me, but as of now...... I have no idea. I am at my wits end with this financial blockage in my life.
while I'm ranting.......... It really bothers me that she doesn't desire me sexually. I mean there are alot of little things LIKE this, but I have never met a woman that doesn't think about sleeping with me (age appropriate women I'm refering to here). Married women, single women, regardless they all want to sleep with me. I thought I was pretty hot. Not the hottest, but I'm working on it. I mean.... if she finds me physically attractive, mentally attractive, spiritually attractive, and the sex was good, why on EARTH would a woman at this age be ABLE to keep her hands off me? am I losing my touch? is it the loss of the beard? I really don't understand that at all. The only way to explain that I know is that she is hiding her desire to do that VERY well. Or she doesn't want me, in which case I am very very confused how/why we are dating. I wouldn't date to marry someone I didn't want to sleep with. Note we do sleep together (non sexual) very well. Well, passably, I don't like her bed that much. It's better than a couch, worse than most guest beds but does come with a very desirable woman.
At the moment we're betting all the marbles on that somehow between our intelligence(mine and hers), and the passion (mostly mine), and the experience (fifty fifty there too), somehow we can be in love. The thing right now is I'm so dissillusioned, and I don't know if she sees it or cares. I don't know if I'd care if she did. She still hasn't been as disappointed, at least not that I perceive because I don't believe she would put up with it. I would. I won't change but I will be disappointed many many times. Asking the best of people leads to that.

Captain Einhammer song

I have no idea why I wrote this song, really I don't.
It's called the Captain Einhammer song, set in world war 2 germany, very upbeat

"mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to displace some jews today, I thought that you should know
If you should see my brother please tell him where I went
I've been down in munich planning the Nazi Government

Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to grab some land today, I thought that you should know
if you should see my sister please tell her where to call
I think we should be in Czechoslovakia by fall

Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I'd like to finish off british power I'll tell you how that goes
If you'd call my travel agent and tell him where I'll be
I'll be in London for my teatime by three

Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
This scorched earth policy has been quite a blow
If you should see my mother please tell her where to write
I'll be pacing the floor with Hitler in Berlin all night

Mein name is captain einhammer and I have a nazi show
I was only following orders and I thought that you should know
If you could call my lawyer and tell him how I feel
and maybe call a Jewish lawyer to help with my appeal"

another rant, title: what next?

Alright, first it's taking me a moment to update to this interface, it's a newer one on me. I know I haven't updated in awhile, and we've all missed out on accurate recording of my inner thoughts. Oh well. Life goes on.
I've been involved in a romantic relationship........ you know how that goes. Well, you probably don't. Considering that this relationship doesn't really fit with any sort of standard for romance........ I doubt you do. I guess in some time some place romance was like this. But considering the weird way it is I doubt it was recorded. Whomever experienced it probably decided it was too complicated to try and explain and just moved on. I guess that's the main reason I'm upset, because of this situation. Again, it's hard to describe everything going on, partially because I don't know myself. At the moment I'm between a rock and a hard place, no matter which way I move I see no positive outlook. Which of course activates my fight or flight defence, if I can't win the fight shouldn't I just get away and repair when I do? So says my flesh, but I guess my heart just makes everything more complicated.
"I met someone at the dog show
she was holding my left arm
but everyone was acting normal so I tried to look nonchalant
we both said I really love you
the shriners loaned us cars
we raced up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand billion times

why did they send her? over anyone else?
How should I react?
these things happen
to other people
they don't happen at all, in fact

when you're following an angel
does it mean you have to throw your body off a building
somebody leaning on a pinhead, calling you an angel
calling you the nicest thing

I heard they have a space program
when they sing you can't hear
there's no air"

it's something different meeting a woman and God having a hand in it.

Now when I have a hand in it, and it all goes to hell that's one thing, I'm quite flawed and I can perfect my technique. However, when things aren't going.... to plan lets say, and it's God's special handiwork, that's an entirely different story. The reason being that I can do everything right, and I believe I do, at least within normal human parameters, and the result can still be an utterly confusing mess of a car wreck and I can see it going that way, like a car heading towards a cliff. And I ask God: "Are you going to stop it? is the car going to fly? Do I need to stop it? Something must be done Lord, and is this all my fault?"

Judgement?

whenever I encounter someone who for whatever reason has incited many to instantly say this person is "bad" or to make some sort of snap decision about that person's personal worth, my desire is to learn more about them. It's reasonably likely they've got something interesting to say, and if most of humanity can't see past the surface flaws and see the person inside, well they can miss out. Not that there aren't people who are unforgivable, we can all think of a few. If however either: This person has done nothing personal to you or the people who matter to you, OR you make a judgement before even trying to understand their motivations then the disservice is not just to them. The disservice is to yourself to miss out on a potentially great friend.

I hate to get preachy at this time of night, what with work/school tommorow, but this issue really spoke to me. Ironically it came out of a pop culture thing, but I've talked about this before. The main reason I wanted to write about it is actually part of my announcement, which is I am launching a new book project (Yay), that I hope to evolve into a complete and comprehensive philosophy manifesto, don't expect it quick or anything but I want everyone to know it is in the works. Two books in the works right now, I have launched both the book I just said something about and I still have the George Orion novel (for lack of a better name), and that also promises to be very cool. There are plans and plots for probably 10 other stories just laying in my head, I will develop them but many may never see the light of day, or may just become short stories.

Anyway, judgement. The biblical standard for judgement often proves to be the biggest breakdown failure in the christian movement. It's rarely said as bluntly as "You said judge not lest ye be judged, so why on earth are you carrying a sign that says God hates (insert target issue/group). How does that reconcile with your faith?" Well, having sat on both sides on that debate for over a decade I can say that it really doesn't. It is of course human nature to take up a cause merely to defend your own beliefs, and Christians are (sorry to break it to you) humans. I can hear the instant reaction "Noooo, Christians are human? But don't they follow a guy who no one has ever been able to discredit, and aren't they empowered by their God to rise above this fallen world? (heavy sarcastically you think this I would imagine.)" It may come as a shock, but yes going to church does not make you less mistake prone, or at least not on the percentage that we might want. And if it were to lower the amount of critical errors one makes, then the decrease in failure is offset by the fact that the world is just waiting to jump on your mistakes and say "See? He (or she) isn't all they are cracked up to be, they make mistakes." Which again brings us around to the topic of judgement. My personal belief is that God told us not to judge not to make things harder on us, but to make them easier. I find making value judgements about another human's personal soul to be a very exhausting and frustrating action. Personally I cannot group people into good and bad. In my world there are really just helpful people and people who get in the way. The challenge in telling which is which, and when I identify those that are hindering my progress to remove them in a peaceful way without anger. That's it for the moment.

Life has been good to me....

<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/22hJu-xHVys?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>

So, I thought about several titles for this post, but then I remembered this song. This song is helping me remember how lucky I am. I've fallen for a beautiful woman, and it looks like she's falling for me. My student aid is sorted..... so why am I even writing here? What on earth kind of venting could I have to do here? I guess none because I stopped typing there for a second. I guess it's mostly just impatience, which is the case with all good things that come from God. God is not the speediest, at least it seems that way when we want something really badly.
I'm doing something that I rarely have done in the past in responding to God's challenges to do the right thing. I'm trying to restrain my physical urges for the benefit of the relationship. The point behind all this is supposed to be that neither of us feels objectified, and that our relationship be built on love not sex. Sounds great huh? I guess it is, that she cares that much that she's willing to wait..... That's not how it feels... but that's probably the truth. She's also independent, which I respect, but is different... I definitely am living in interesting times.

Dream log pt 2

so after those horrible dreams I went back to sleep, which only proves how insane I am.... anyway once again I had dreams.
This time I had a dream that my wife came back and wanted to try and make it work. It was just so.... relieving I guess. Then in the middle of the dream I started wondering if this was what I wanted, and I decided it was. For whatever reason my brain can't understand that the house I already live in is the important location for most of my life, so instead it created another house somewhere in tulsa that my wife and I were going to move BACK into together.... and I was excited about that.
Cut to weird part 2 of this dream, somehow I get enough money to get whatever I want (in the dream it was about 160 dollars.) and I wanted to go buy these 60 dollar shoes from the department store, in my dream it was JC Penny's but I think I actually saw them at dillards. The important thing is these are the shoes I've wanted for some time. For whatever reason I had my mom come with me to pick them up. When we get there to pick them up I find out they are on sale for 40 dollars. So I'm like "great, this is what I want" but my mom keeps insisting that I shouldn't get them, that they are too expensive..... it's insane. We get in this huge fight about it in the middle of the store.
Then a girl shows up that apparently I had been interested in, or hit on at a club or something, and we start talking, I ask HER to check out the shoes. Which doesn't appear to lead to anything. But then I ask her to come hang out at the house later...... weird dream connector is apparently my wife is living there..... and even though we haven't remarried that might be wierd, but my brain can't lose face in front of a pretty girl so I just tell her to come over and "hang out", and if my wife is there she can make a new friend..... it would appear I have balls of steel. Then I run into a clerk with glasses..... who somehow resembled a friend of mine from high school, but his nametag says my name on it. So I tell him I better get a percentage since he used my name to get the job.
Weird subplot: Trying to get home from my parents house. First I take the car, my car, and for whatever reason get out and leave it there. Then I'm driving the truck.... and worrying about where the car is.

I don't get what any of this means....... obviously little of this could happen in real life.

the line

I made a decision once, and that decision was the biggest thing I've ever done. I should have known no matter what part of me had to die that day, I couldn't not betray myself.
The decision was whether or not to join the military
one one side, with the military, stood my wife and most steadfast companion
on the other, my parents and the morality I had grown up with
I could not betray myself, let the soft hearted me die in the military, because I still cared about me enough to make the decision best for me, at least in the short term. I always protect those I love and that is what killed me.
six months later my wife left me... for a few reasons but me not joining the military set those events in motion
and a part of me died. The moral of the story is you can't save anything. Sometimes the choice is between two unimaginably cruel realities. In one I'd still have her, just not my own self respect or a good portion of my personality. In the other, well, I'm living that, she divorce me and married a military man...... that's why I want to die, because I should have died spiritually and joined the air force..... done what she wanted and not been as alone. Sadly you only have one shot at these decisions, and you'll never know which was right. All I can tell you is I think both were wrong.

dream log

I had a dream about my ex wife.
So in the dream we were going through the breakup.
And I was like Ted from how I met your mother when he looks stupid.
and everyone thought I looked stupid
it was like the how I met your mother episode where Barney and Robin break up, in that Lindsay turned into the most distasteful person I could imagine. She turned into this fat troll who had nothing nice to say to me. In my dream she wouldn't even say "I love you" anymore, instead she would say "I love america"
And our friends (who were played by Marshall and Lily from HIMYM) showed up to try and help us save the marriage. Then Lily asked if I was ok or not, I think I was crying but said I was ok, gave me a long lecture about how I deserved what I had coming because I had withdrawn from them.

I also remember having a dream about trying to make things better with Thomas and Lisa (my ex roommates) and every time I did they would break anything i had around. So I just started hitting Thomas and trying to beat a lesson into him (this isn't something that would ever happen in real life, just wishful thinking I guess), then after that had happened a few times he started hitting me back and we killed eachother by tossing eachother into a giant spinning blade that looked like a fan.

Obviously my subconscious doesn't like me right now.