another one for the hidden draft bin of my life, to be published in better times one way or another. Either things will get better, or they get better, I don't take other options.
Of course shannon is the topic of my rant today. It's really hard to love someone who is doomed to never feel anything like that for you. Really I'm just hoping God hears my prayers and my confusion here. I'm doing what is right by this relationship but I feel NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER. She's obviously planning to live her life in perpetual transition. She wants to move to Houston or wherever for her PHD........... that really should be bad enough God. I never wanted to live in Texas again in my life, it's like kansas, no bloody use to anyone. This woman hates oklahoma, the state I ended up setting up my first home in and I will always have warm feelings about that. She loves apartment living.... which I have always despised. She likes going out and spending money to have a good time, I have a fucking great time spending no money at all, or pennies on the hour versus dollars on the hour. She likes exchanging money for feeling good for a moment, I prefer long term rewards. She doesn't want to own a house.... I do. It's like she aspires to be in a difficult situation the rest of her life. What do I do with this? I'm in no position to correct her. She needs to realize this path is a dead end on her own. Now, Houston I could forgive, maybe even cope with. But after that she's leaving for Australia. I see no reason to. I feel little desire to leave my homeland. My family is here. I understand economics here. Despite it's errors it is far better here than to move to a new country so she can be with her family. My love can't break me like this anymore. If you had brought me her instead of Lindsay.... Absolutely all this would be possible. But I went through so much growth towards being a more stable person in my marriage. Economically and emotionally this is the lifestyle that keeps me safe.
So...... this entire thing is set to blow up sooner or later. I'm not going to do anything more than hold my ground on who I am. I must do that. And if that means I will not be with this woman, despite my feelings and commitment to her, I will choose what's right for my life. I made sacrifices before and now I'm only older and wiser instead of older and richer, both in status and in resources. Everything going on in my life is making it look like most of all I must find a way to get very rich to create happiness. I hate this. You know, if I were to do what makes me happy..... yes it would involve a few high dollar items, but long term investments that would appreciate. All I want is the Denver dream, with a truck and a sports car, for the rest of my life that's what I want. If a woman wants to be part of that, then great. But until I see a new future for my career, or things change, that is what I believe God is working on. I lifted it up in prayer, and I believed. I have faith in that, if nothing else. This woman? I love her. I have loved her emotionally, and that is being robbed from me by my doubts and by the fact that she could never return it. I do love her as a choice. But love is doing what is best for her. What is best for her is that she not twist my arm into going somewhere I cannot stand, or I will blame her for it every second of it, and it will be agony for both of us and kill the relationship. As far as the economics that are needed to make us work, well, if it was meant to be they will come, otherwise God will provide perfectly fine without me, or without her, depending on your point of view. I won't force her to change because that's wrong. I won't change for her because that would be wrong. I can grow naturally towards her, and her towards me, but as of now...... I have no idea. I am at my wits end with this financial blockage in my life.
while I'm ranting.......... It really bothers me that she doesn't desire me sexually. I mean there are alot of little things LIKE this, but I have never met a woman that doesn't think about sleeping with me (age appropriate women I'm refering to here). Married women, single women, regardless they all want to sleep with me. I thought I was pretty hot. Not the hottest, but I'm working on it. I mean.... if she finds me physically attractive, mentally attractive, spiritually attractive, and the sex was good, why on EARTH would a woman at this age be ABLE to keep her hands off me? am I losing my touch? is it the loss of the beard? I really don't understand that at all. The only way to explain that I know is that she is hiding her desire to do that VERY well. Or she doesn't want me, in which case I am very very confused how/why we are dating. I wouldn't date to marry someone I didn't want to sleep with. Note we do sleep together (non sexual) very well. Well, passably, I don't like her bed that much. It's better than a couch, worse than most guest beds but does come with a very desirable woman.
At the moment we're betting all the marbles on that somehow between our intelligence(mine and hers), and the passion (mostly mine), and the experience (fifty fifty there too), somehow we can be in love. The thing right now is I'm so dissillusioned, and I don't know if she sees it or cares. I don't know if I'd care if she did. She still hasn't been as disappointed, at least not that I perceive because I don't believe she would put up with it. I would. I won't change but I will be disappointed many many times. Asking the best of people leads to that.
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