Everything comes full circle. No matter how much I want it not to, here I am again. Puking my guts out because I can't cry...
It's for such a stupid reason. My best friend didn't want to talk to me all weekend. For personal reasons I haven't opened up to my girlfriend about this stuff. The worst part is just now, when I was ready, she went to sleep. I don't know if this moment, or realization will come again or if it will fall away. So I'm here again, putting it all out there for random strangers to read.
I've been watching How I Met Your Mother for five years now. I came in sometime in season 4, and it's been a very personal part of my story. I know it's just a show, but stick with me. When I started watching it I was watching it with my soon to be wife. I wanted her so much to be Lily, and I identified with Marshall. However most of this ride, I've realized Ted's story is my story. I'm a crippling romantic, I keep thinking girls are the one only to find out after a long ride that they aren't. My story isn't finished. But the story on the show, it's winding to a close. He's about to meet the mother. Fact is she seems amazing.
Here is the thing, he meets her at his female best friend's wedding. His female best friend that he's loved all this time, since the start. The greatest love story I've ever heard and the female protagonist is going for another guy. It's Harry Potter all over again. My female best friend doesn't have time for me, I'm losing her. Ted is losing Robin. This is close to home. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that not only will I not get the female protagonist in my story, but I don't even get to keep her in my story. That's hard for me to deal with.
It's hard for me to deal with that everyone that matters to me seems to leave. It's tough to cope with this dry arid place my life has become just goes on and on. What's worse is that the things in my life that made the arid nature easier to cope with are going too. I'm losing my ability to find comfort in porn. Meaningless sex stopped working a year ago. Honestly it never worked for me. Deep down I'm still the man that feels too much. I'm too kind to be careless with hearts like that. That's probably why I haven't opened up to this girl I'm dating who is in love with me. Slowly she's getting to my heart, and there's a chance she'll manage to crack that sucker. Maybe I want her to. I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, and I'm pragmatic enough and traveled enough down this road to know there is a pretty good chance I will. Love is a fickle thing. It takes work. I never thought I'd be the one who needed saving, or the one that doesn't know how to put in the work anymore.
Everyone keeps saying that God is going to show up. I know he is. No matter how angry I am I can't ever forget how much he loves me, or how little I deserve the love I've received so far. Which makes it even harder to accept that he's going to do this thing. I mean how can I come to terms with it? I want it to just happen so I'll have no choice but to accept that his love is way more than I can ever deserve, and to know that I can spend the rest of my life loving him and others trying to be like him. I just want to start the rest of my life with someone, why not with him? Why is it so selfish for me to want security somewhere somehow? Isn't that the idea?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
The reasoning behind pain: problems of being an Idealist
I had a very revealing conversation with my girlfriend yesterday. Wow, I never thought I'd be saying THAT one. Anyway, we were talking about why I'm unhappy. I was ranting (if you know me you know this is a pretty standard communication for me when I'm hurt) about how I hated my life. Now, before I go any deeper, let me say that I have a great life. I eat pretty well, I own a nice home, have a sweet girlfriend and a sweet dog. I have a working car, a few bikes, a wonderful gym to work out at, a stunning relationship with God, and a successful career for someone with my background, heck, for someone with any background. I have some of the nicest clothes I've been able to find, and I have some of the best friends. I am TRULY grateful for all I have. I don't want to ever forget that.
That being said, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch in my life. Despite all the wonderful things I have been given, and all the bright future ahead I'm told about, it can be pretty dark here.
I just heard this song this week, and I needed it like a thirsty man needs water:
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As I was saying, it's pretty dark here sometimes. I spend plenty of time alone. Which for me has been the norm for the past three years anyway. Alone is my default, I'm an only child and somewhat prone to isolation. One thing alone time does is it gives you plenty of time to think. I think that's probably why many of us (yes, I am guilty in the past of this) chase relationships that aren't good for us. We just want to not deal with that all critical internal eye that says "you're alone because of x-flaw." Being alone isn't a flaw, not always, but it can take strength. Some days I don't have as much strength as others. I think that's part of the growth process but I'm not sure. I've lost many of my mentors and people I look up to. At the moment my heroes are mostly historical. I try to be like David, hiding in a cave while saul tries to kill him. I try to be like Job, gripping his faith in God with all his might while he's told repeatedly that he deserves his fate. I try to be like the many heroes of history. They didn't become heroes because they were special, or smart, or any of that, though many of them had quality, they were heroes because they didn't give up. I'm not giving up. There, that's you're stirring speech part of my monologue.
I was talking about this conversation I had with my girlfriend (see I remembered!) I was getting ready to say we were talking about how I'm whining about the situation. I've been very upset, and lost, and confused. These must be normal things that go along with loss. I was forced to make a choice, a not fun choice, between my own safety and health, and my job. I don't want to go into the details and I know the company appreciates that I don't. The fact is that it was time for me to leave. As the good book says for everything there is a time and a season.
I loved the work, I was helping people. I was helping my 15 kids (no matter what in my heart I always thought of them that way.) I felt some echo of the joy it must be to be a parent. I felt the pain, and the joy of watching those I cared for succeed. I felt a joy to be a part of something, with great coworkers. I learned so much. I became the best me I have ever been. I felt better about me for being there, and that is the wonder of loving and being loved in return. But things changed. There were always challenges, but the challenges got bigger, and somewhere along the way instead of being loved I started being used. It led to the situation under which I left. But my heart still broke. I miss those snot nosed kids. I miss some of the people I worked with for a long time. They were part of my every day life, and now they aren't.
Which brings me to the theme I've been working on, which is that you can't feel emotional pain without an expectation that things could have gone better. I as much as said this in my conversation earlier this week. I was saying that people in poor countries, or countries with bad economies and bad governments have it way worse when it comes to *pauses to grope for answer* pretty much everything. The food, the emotional situation, the living conditions must be horrible, by our standards. But many of them find ways to be happy. How can this be? Because it was worse. If they can make it better than they consider an acceptable normal then they can find happiness. They say the secret to happiness is low expectations. The fact of the matter is that good things happening to us raise our expectations.
Which leads to my point. I don't want to go live in a poor country, because that isn't my calling. I don't want things to get worse, though I know they can and I know I can and will survive. I'm a tough old bird. I want it better though. I want WAY better, like so much better that the difference between the way I'm living now and the way people in third world countries live will be the difference between the way I live in the future and the way I'm living now. If that makes sense. To quote the good book (Job something or other) "Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be." I want THAT, I've had a taste of that. The only reason I'm unhappy now is that I know I'm not assured THAT level of happiness and comfort. Does any of this resonate? I'm not unhappy because my situation is bad, because I'm living in the top 20% of humanity and will likely never leave that level. I'm unhappy because I'm stuck. I'm unhappy because I know it can be better.
I was afforded growing up a great amount of comfort. I was taught culture, theology and how to be part of a loving family by two of the best parents I was so lucky to be born to. I was taken on cross country trips, given a first rate education, great medical care, all these things because my parents were blessed. I launched out into the adult world thinking this was the normal. I found out I was sorely mistaken. First the job market taught me a few lessons on humility. Then I got married and I learned a few more lessons. I never expected my marriage to end. In my mind divorce was something that happened to other people, like terrorism or being the victim of violent crime. When it fell apart my world fell apart. I know that is because up to that point I had been blessed to live in a world where marriages didn't fall apart. I lived in my parents world, where God, love, honor and commitment solved things. But it takes two people to make a marriage work. Mine didn't, work that is. I felt plenty of pain because of that. The greatest pain was falling out of the beautiful world I had built around myself. Yes there were hardships, but I had a wonderful sweet woman to stand by my side who loved me. I learned that day that people aren't infallible. I learned that no matter how much faith you have, or how much you pray, or how bright your future is, sometimes horrible things happen. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing you or I can do about it. Believe me I've tried. I've tried every dating screening tool I can manage to find a better woman, and discovered that while there are many kind wonderful sweet women, they all make mistakes. I've been miserable, because I remember the joy I felt when I was with Lindsay. I remember how completed and fulfilled I felt. I want to feel it again. Maybe I will someday.
I know there is better out there. This is why I'm upset. You can tell me all day long how it could be worse, and I'll agree with you. It definitely could. But it could be better. Maybe it will be. If God wills it to happen I believe it will. At the moment, I feel pretty screwed up. I don't know how God is going to take this fouled up situation and turn it to his good, I just give him everything. Including this feeling of hopelessness. I give him my finances, my heart, my mind, my future and my past. I give him my life. It says in the good book that he takes everything we give and returns it, but he returns it with abundant amounts more. If you give him your love and your heart he'll teach you to love on a scale you never thought you could. In theory the same applies to finances (we shall see).
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish I had a map showing me when he'd show up, but the fact is it could be any time. My friends and family keep saying that God will do his work in his timing. I know that, because his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. I'm still young, and I'm still somewhat impatient. I would like to see him do what he's going to do before I grow middle aged. I really would. He dangles it in front of me some days and honestly it's like holding a hot dog in front of a hungry dog. I get REALLY excited. Then he says "not yet" and I get really down. No one I know seems to get this. It wouldn't kill me so much if I didn't keep having glimpses of what's coming down the pike. You have no idea. I mean I've said some of it on my blog, but not nearly all of it. Some of it is just so big, you're just going to have to see it when it arrives. I'm trying not to give up, but right now I'm not feeling that strong. So I'm just standing and waiting. I feel, I trust, or at least I hope that I won't have to wait much longer for that day.
That being said, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch in my life. Despite all the wonderful things I have been given, and all the bright future ahead I'm told about, it can be pretty dark here.
I just heard this song this week, and I needed it like a thirsty man needs water:
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As I was saying, it's pretty dark here sometimes. I spend plenty of time alone. Which for me has been the norm for the past three years anyway. Alone is my default, I'm an only child and somewhat prone to isolation. One thing alone time does is it gives you plenty of time to think. I think that's probably why many of us (yes, I am guilty in the past of this) chase relationships that aren't good for us. We just want to not deal with that all critical internal eye that says "you're alone because of x-flaw." Being alone isn't a flaw, not always, but it can take strength. Some days I don't have as much strength as others. I think that's part of the growth process but I'm not sure. I've lost many of my mentors and people I look up to. At the moment my heroes are mostly historical. I try to be like David, hiding in a cave while saul tries to kill him. I try to be like Job, gripping his faith in God with all his might while he's told repeatedly that he deserves his fate. I try to be like the many heroes of history. They didn't become heroes because they were special, or smart, or any of that, though many of them had quality, they were heroes because they didn't give up. I'm not giving up. There, that's you're stirring speech part of my monologue.
I was talking about this conversation I had with my girlfriend (see I remembered!) I was getting ready to say we were talking about how I'm whining about the situation. I've been very upset, and lost, and confused. These must be normal things that go along with loss. I was forced to make a choice, a not fun choice, between my own safety and health, and my job. I don't want to go into the details and I know the company appreciates that I don't. The fact is that it was time for me to leave. As the good book says for everything there is a time and a season.
I loved the work, I was helping people. I was helping my 15 kids (no matter what in my heart I always thought of them that way.) I felt some echo of the joy it must be to be a parent. I felt the pain, and the joy of watching those I cared for succeed. I felt a joy to be a part of something, with great coworkers. I learned so much. I became the best me I have ever been. I felt better about me for being there, and that is the wonder of loving and being loved in return. But things changed. There were always challenges, but the challenges got bigger, and somewhere along the way instead of being loved I started being used. It led to the situation under which I left. But my heart still broke. I miss those snot nosed kids. I miss some of the people I worked with for a long time. They were part of my every day life, and now they aren't.
Which brings me to the theme I've been working on, which is that you can't feel emotional pain without an expectation that things could have gone better. I as much as said this in my conversation earlier this week. I was saying that people in poor countries, or countries with bad economies and bad governments have it way worse when it comes to *pauses to grope for answer* pretty much everything. The food, the emotional situation, the living conditions must be horrible, by our standards. But many of them find ways to be happy. How can this be? Because it was worse. If they can make it better than they consider an acceptable normal then they can find happiness. They say the secret to happiness is low expectations. The fact of the matter is that good things happening to us raise our expectations.
Which leads to my point. I don't want to go live in a poor country, because that isn't my calling. I don't want things to get worse, though I know they can and I know I can and will survive. I'm a tough old bird. I want it better though. I want WAY better, like so much better that the difference between the way I'm living now and the way people in third world countries live will be the difference between the way I live in the future and the way I'm living now. If that makes sense. To quote the good book (Job something or other) "Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be." I want THAT, I've had a taste of that. The only reason I'm unhappy now is that I know I'm not assured THAT level of happiness and comfort. Does any of this resonate? I'm not unhappy because my situation is bad, because I'm living in the top 20% of humanity and will likely never leave that level. I'm unhappy because I'm stuck. I'm unhappy because I know it can be better.
I was afforded growing up a great amount of comfort. I was taught culture, theology and how to be part of a loving family by two of the best parents I was so lucky to be born to. I was taken on cross country trips, given a first rate education, great medical care, all these things because my parents were blessed. I launched out into the adult world thinking this was the normal. I found out I was sorely mistaken. First the job market taught me a few lessons on humility. Then I got married and I learned a few more lessons. I never expected my marriage to end. In my mind divorce was something that happened to other people, like terrorism or being the victim of violent crime. When it fell apart my world fell apart. I know that is because up to that point I had been blessed to live in a world where marriages didn't fall apart. I lived in my parents world, where God, love, honor and commitment solved things. But it takes two people to make a marriage work. Mine didn't, work that is. I felt plenty of pain because of that. The greatest pain was falling out of the beautiful world I had built around myself. Yes there were hardships, but I had a wonderful sweet woman to stand by my side who loved me. I learned that day that people aren't infallible. I learned that no matter how much faith you have, or how much you pray, or how bright your future is, sometimes horrible things happen. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing you or I can do about it. Believe me I've tried. I've tried every dating screening tool I can manage to find a better woman, and discovered that while there are many kind wonderful sweet women, they all make mistakes. I've been miserable, because I remember the joy I felt when I was with Lindsay. I remember how completed and fulfilled I felt. I want to feel it again. Maybe I will someday.
I know there is better out there. This is why I'm upset. You can tell me all day long how it could be worse, and I'll agree with you. It definitely could. But it could be better. Maybe it will be. If God wills it to happen I believe it will. At the moment, I feel pretty screwed up. I don't know how God is going to take this fouled up situation and turn it to his good, I just give him everything. Including this feeling of hopelessness. I give him my finances, my heart, my mind, my future and my past. I give him my life. It says in the good book that he takes everything we give and returns it, but he returns it with abundant amounts more. If you give him your love and your heart he'll teach you to love on a scale you never thought you could. In theory the same applies to finances (we shall see).
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish I had a map showing me when he'd show up, but the fact is it could be any time. My friends and family keep saying that God will do his work in his timing. I know that, because his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. I'm still young, and I'm still somewhat impatient. I would like to see him do what he's going to do before I grow middle aged. I really would. He dangles it in front of me some days and honestly it's like holding a hot dog in front of a hungry dog. I get REALLY excited. Then he says "not yet" and I get really down. No one I know seems to get this. It wouldn't kill me so much if I didn't keep having glimpses of what's coming down the pike. You have no idea. I mean I've said some of it on my blog, but not nearly all of it. Some of it is just so big, you're just going to have to see it when it arrives. I'm trying not to give up, but right now I'm not feeling that strong. So I'm just standing and waiting. I feel, I trust, or at least I hope that I won't have to wait much longer for that day.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Why I don't care about your republican scare tactics
So, at the moment I am trapped in a red state, which for those of you out of the know means that I have access to the worst healthcare, education and government in the country. My senator is Inhofe. I have voted against him FOUR times. I wish I was overstating things by saying that I think that a well informed chimp would be an improvement. The main reason is that every time I see his name on the news he's doing something stupid. Today was one of those days!
So sometime yesterday afternoon our new friend Ted Cruz started filibustering because he wants to use the government shutdown scare tactic to force defunding of Obamacare. Now, let's take this at face value. This is a very rich man getting very very upset because poor people might get healthcare. The gall, if they live long enough they might climb out of their holes. This is at the same time as the Republican party attempts to defund food stamps. Because you know, people who eat because they can't afford food are leaches. Look, we have emotional issues here. He just got done after 21 hours. When I read the news support it said Inhofe was supporting him. At first I thought "Why would he do that? Doesn't he realize none of his constituents want a government shutdown?" Then I realized that he is in the position that he will never lose his seat. The Democrats gave up on this state a long time ago. Most liberals move, I know I will if I get the chance.
Look, they aren't going to defund Obamacare. The funding is set aside already and the bill already passed. Obamacare hurts no one other than big insurance. I think what we are really working on right now is setting up the complete loss of control by the Republicans in a year. Oh, and of course the fact that no one in government who affiliates with them can win a major election. The country, it would seem, is shifting to the left. When the center is considered the left, I guess we're all commies.
So sometime yesterday afternoon our new friend Ted Cruz started filibustering because he wants to use the government shutdown scare tactic to force defunding of Obamacare. Now, let's take this at face value. This is a very rich man getting very very upset because poor people might get healthcare. The gall, if they live long enough they might climb out of their holes. This is at the same time as the Republican party attempts to defund food stamps. Because you know, people who eat because they can't afford food are leaches. Look, we have emotional issues here. He just got done after 21 hours. When I read the news support it said Inhofe was supporting him. At first I thought "Why would he do that? Doesn't he realize none of his constituents want a government shutdown?" Then I realized that he is in the position that he will never lose his seat. The Democrats gave up on this state a long time ago. Most liberals move, I know I will if I get the chance.
Look, they aren't going to defund Obamacare. The funding is set aside already and the bill already passed. Obamacare hurts no one other than big insurance. I think what we are really working on right now is setting up the complete loss of control by the Republicans in a year. Oh, and of course the fact that no one in government who affiliates with them can win a major election. The country, it would seem, is shifting to the left. When the center is considered the left, I guess we're all commies.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Frustrating or disheartening spiritual themes.
*opens post then has to go tell dog to stop screaming so he can write*
I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble waiting.
So, I know usually I come back from God time full of strength and vigor, but at the moment I'm really cheesed off and I want to rant. Writing helps with that sometimes. It is such a stupid annoying thing being an idealist and serving God. Because one of God's major themes is waiting, another is humility, and still another is setting aside your pride. Yet the idealist in me lives on because God has use for it. He wants me holding on to his vision. I do not know why. I do not know why he tells me shit and then waits years to do anything about it. Some days I do not understand him at all.
Here is the trouble with where I'm at: I have taken some steps in faith and my mortal, young, human mind wants results. It wants assurance in results, and frankly God doesn't do that. I know, oh so well, that sometimes you do shit, and you give and you give and you give, and his reaction is "Good job, stay in that situation, you're good". I know that me giving and giving and giving to him DOES NOT mean he is obligated to do jack shit. It means I love him. Does he love me? Yes he does, but it's a tough love. It's not like you would love a car, or your house, it's how you would love a son. Sometimes you let him go through painful shit so he learns a thing or two. Sometimes you have him do stuff just because he's family and you don't do anything because a gift by definition is something given without expectation of reward. So yes, I have cast my faith on him, given him control over my finances, and here I am.
I just left a stressful situation that was sharpening me because it was awful. The great thing about it was I knew that one day I wouldn't be there and it would be better. I knew I was doing kingdom work. I knew that he would bless me for my faith in hardship. What am I to do now? I have lost my definition as that job. I was GOOD at it, and that gave me self esteem. I had a steady income stream, though it did not satisfy. Now, I have paid my bills. I have paid God his due in tithe. There is none left over for me. I cannot repair my house, I cannot do many things because to be faithful with my money I must pay my bills first. I'm waiting on God, and I've been waiting on him a long time.
My major complaint is that at the moment I don't feel tons of love for him. I appreciate his gifts, it is by his mercy I can pay my bills and I could leave that place. It is following his signs that got me here. So here I am, trying to stand on his word, struggling to stand. When the lord takes something from you it is much harder than when he gives to you. Usually he doesn't need to take, I give because it is a joy to give what I had planned to give. Yet sometimes it's like he wants to test our relationship. He says to me "Do you see this thing you treasure, my blessing to you and a place you have been able to faithfully serve and give to me? I ask you to lay it down, toss it away like a used tissue. You are done and you have learned all you can."
Not literally that I heard a voice, but that was the gist of the message. Of course I could have always misinterpreted, but I don't think I did. So I gave that to him as well. He has shown me where and what he will give me, but he holds it out away from me, making me wait. He tests my faith once again.
My life is good. I have a good house, good stuff to do, and a good car. I have a good dog, good food, and good entertainment. I have some good people in my life, some whom God has sent to take care of me, some for me to help. I know that if this was all God had for me it would be good and I would probably find a way to be content. Yet I desire more. Especially now that I laid out my sacrifices. I am frustrated that I cannot bring more time sacrifices to him. I am frustrated that I must sit and wait on his mercy. I am frustrated with his timing. I'm so tired of being young, and human, and poor. Are these not meant to be temporary conditions? How often I have heard old people say "It went by so fast." Bullshit. It's going by, especially now, at a snails pace. I wish that I might blink and years have flown by, however several of the last few years have been mini decades. I have learned more in 16 months on the mountain than I did in 7 years between 10-17. I definitely learned more in the last 3 years that I have been divorced than I did in the years between 15 and 22, another 7 years. I have wisdom yet where is the reward? I invest myself in him, and I see that itself as the only reward I have received. A greater relationship with him, one cannot weigh on the scales and determine worth. I know this to be true: A rich man could search for 10 years and not know God's redeeming love as I have seen it. However, a poor man cannot take this love to the bank and pay off his house with it, now can he? This world says it measures labor by wealth, but wealth of love or wealth of faith has what value in the face of these carnal problems?
All I know is that God will feed me today, he will give me peace, he will let me endure any hardship. Will I get out? I do not know, my only response is if it is the will of God then in his timing he will deliver. You cannot force his hand, you cannot jimmy his blessings open like a christmas gift the week before christmas. You can only follow his directions, love the Lord your God with all your strength. So I do. Love your neighbor as yourself, I continue working on that. A part of me wishes I could boast of the things I have done, or of those I have loved, but all I have done is allowed God to work in me.
I wish I could say I was deserving of any of this, but I'm not. I am a redeemed sinner, like any of you may be. I don't deserve more, I don't deserve any of this. Really, thinking about it, I deserve to die for my sins, yet what great travesty of justice I won't. God sent Jesus to die in my place. I feel so selfish asking for more, when such great gifts I have received.
I repeat and repeat what I said from the beginning about this vision he gave me. This is your plan God, yes I look on it and call it good. Yes I agree with you that it would be the fufillment of the desires of my heart. Nevertheless it remains your plan. If you choose to not let it come to pass for one hundred years, it would be so, and it would be good timing if that were so. If it happened tomorrow according to your will it would be good as well. If it is your desire that I not set foot in the promised land or see the plan fufilled that too would be good, because I would pass that plan to another if you wanted it so. If I die tomorrow and come home to you, if that were your will, it would be good because another would take up your cause. If I live 1,000 years and do many great things for you, that too would be good, if it is your will. Your plans are higher than my plans and your ways are higher than my ways.
I am just a servant of yours, thrilled to be yours and to be alive in this moment serving you. Surely you had meaning and plans when you gave me this vision, because you do nothing in vain. I will not doubt you, I will not leave you or deny you. You who preserved me through dark valleys, who blessed me through trials and tests. You are everything, and I will serve you. Please, give me understanding to your timing. Give me understanding of these trials and tests. Please Lord, accept my humble plea, if it is your will please lead me out of this season of lack and of want. Lead me into your abundance. I know that you will bless me even in the dry and scorched places, but Lord I desire to bless others, to be all I can be. I desire that my faith be manifested in your work.
Lord so many people tell me to give up, that I'm not special, or that you don't work that way. Don't you? Look, I know that I am just one of several billion humans on this planet. I know that I am just one of even more billions that have existed in time and space that you have known and loved. I don't desire this because of some sort of justification that I would be better than any of them. I know this is a challenging life I desire, to be a figurehead, to be abundantly blessed. I know that for a rich man to serve God is a hard thing. However it is still a thing that can be done. Money is just a tool that you use to take care of people, it is a potential blessing, but it is not an end unto itself. I tell you God that I have vowed to take no other Gods before you. If I should even attempt to I would hope that through our relationship you would lead me away. Let me give away all the money I have rather than let it lead me to sin. You are my source. Many things you have promised, and I believe you can deliver.
I'm just so annoyed and tired. I wish I could just end this agony. I wish I could see the day of the Lord in my timing. I wish I could make sense out of this waiting place. I know he wants to build faith in me, but that's what is so frightening. Faith enough for what? If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, what has the Lord called me to face? That I would have to endure 3 years of being completely alone in my waiting. Of no one understanding or seeing what God showed me? I mean, it just makes it SO hard not to doubt him. Or doubt myself. Maybe I heard wrong. I'm not perfect. Yet in faith I believe I heard him verify that this is his plan. *sigh*
I don't know a stinkin thing about anything right now. I guess I'll just wait on his answer, it's not like I have anywhere to go.
I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble waiting.
So, I know usually I come back from God time full of strength and vigor, but at the moment I'm really cheesed off and I want to rant. Writing helps with that sometimes. It is such a stupid annoying thing being an idealist and serving God. Because one of God's major themes is waiting, another is humility, and still another is setting aside your pride. Yet the idealist in me lives on because God has use for it. He wants me holding on to his vision. I do not know why. I do not know why he tells me shit and then waits years to do anything about it. Some days I do not understand him at all.
Here is the trouble with where I'm at: I have taken some steps in faith and my mortal, young, human mind wants results. It wants assurance in results, and frankly God doesn't do that. I know, oh so well, that sometimes you do shit, and you give and you give and you give, and his reaction is "Good job, stay in that situation, you're good". I know that me giving and giving and giving to him DOES NOT mean he is obligated to do jack shit. It means I love him. Does he love me? Yes he does, but it's a tough love. It's not like you would love a car, or your house, it's how you would love a son. Sometimes you let him go through painful shit so he learns a thing or two. Sometimes you have him do stuff just because he's family and you don't do anything because a gift by definition is something given without expectation of reward. So yes, I have cast my faith on him, given him control over my finances, and here I am.
I just left a stressful situation that was sharpening me because it was awful. The great thing about it was I knew that one day I wouldn't be there and it would be better. I knew I was doing kingdom work. I knew that he would bless me for my faith in hardship. What am I to do now? I have lost my definition as that job. I was GOOD at it, and that gave me self esteem. I had a steady income stream, though it did not satisfy. Now, I have paid my bills. I have paid God his due in tithe. There is none left over for me. I cannot repair my house, I cannot do many things because to be faithful with my money I must pay my bills first. I'm waiting on God, and I've been waiting on him a long time.
My major complaint is that at the moment I don't feel tons of love for him. I appreciate his gifts, it is by his mercy I can pay my bills and I could leave that place. It is following his signs that got me here. So here I am, trying to stand on his word, struggling to stand. When the lord takes something from you it is much harder than when he gives to you. Usually he doesn't need to take, I give because it is a joy to give what I had planned to give. Yet sometimes it's like he wants to test our relationship. He says to me "Do you see this thing you treasure, my blessing to you and a place you have been able to faithfully serve and give to me? I ask you to lay it down, toss it away like a used tissue. You are done and you have learned all you can."
Not literally that I heard a voice, but that was the gist of the message. Of course I could have always misinterpreted, but I don't think I did. So I gave that to him as well. He has shown me where and what he will give me, but he holds it out away from me, making me wait. He tests my faith once again.
My life is good. I have a good house, good stuff to do, and a good car. I have a good dog, good food, and good entertainment. I have some good people in my life, some whom God has sent to take care of me, some for me to help. I know that if this was all God had for me it would be good and I would probably find a way to be content. Yet I desire more. Especially now that I laid out my sacrifices. I am frustrated that I cannot bring more time sacrifices to him. I am frustrated that I must sit and wait on his mercy. I am frustrated with his timing. I'm so tired of being young, and human, and poor. Are these not meant to be temporary conditions? How often I have heard old people say "It went by so fast." Bullshit. It's going by, especially now, at a snails pace. I wish that I might blink and years have flown by, however several of the last few years have been mini decades. I have learned more in 16 months on the mountain than I did in 7 years between 10-17. I definitely learned more in the last 3 years that I have been divorced than I did in the years between 15 and 22, another 7 years. I have wisdom yet where is the reward? I invest myself in him, and I see that itself as the only reward I have received. A greater relationship with him, one cannot weigh on the scales and determine worth. I know this to be true: A rich man could search for 10 years and not know God's redeeming love as I have seen it. However, a poor man cannot take this love to the bank and pay off his house with it, now can he? This world says it measures labor by wealth, but wealth of love or wealth of faith has what value in the face of these carnal problems?
All I know is that God will feed me today, he will give me peace, he will let me endure any hardship. Will I get out? I do not know, my only response is if it is the will of God then in his timing he will deliver. You cannot force his hand, you cannot jimmy his blessings open like a christmas gift the week before christmas. You can only follow his directions, love the Lord your God with all your strength. So I do. Love your neighbor as yourself, I continue working on that. A part of me wishes I could boast of the things I have done, or of those I have loved, but all I have done is allowed God to work in me.
I wish I could say I was deserving of any of this, but I'm not. I am a redeemed sinner, like any of you may be. I don't deserve more, I don't deserve any of this. Really, thinking about it, I deserve to die for my sins, yet what great travesty of justice I won't. God sent Jesus to die in my place. I feel so selfish asking for more, when such great gifts I have received.
I repeat and repeat what I said from the beginning about this vision he gave me. This is your plan God, yes I look on it and call it good. Yes I agree with you that it would be the fufillment of the desires of my heart. Nevertheless it remains your plan. If you choose to not let it come to pass for one hundred years, it would be so, and it would be good timing if that were so. If it happened tomorrow according to your will it would be good as well. If it is your desire that I not set foot in the promised land or see the plan fufilled that too would be good, because I would pass that plan to another if you wanted it so. If I die tomorrow and come home to you, if that were your will, it would be good because another would take up your cause. If I live 1,000 years and do many great things for you, that too would be good, if it is your will. Your plans are higher than my plans and your ways are higher than my ways.
I am just a servant of yours, thrilled to be yours and to be alive in this moment serving you. Surely you had meaning and plans when you gave me this vision, because you do nothing in vain. I will not doubt you, I will not leave you or deny you. You who preserved me through dark valleys, who blessed me through trials and tests. You are everything, and I will serve you. Please, give me understanding to your timing. Give me understanding of these trials and tests. Please Lord, accept my humble plea, if it is your will please lead me out of this season of lack and of want. Lead me into your abundance. I know that you will bless me even in the dry and scorched places, but Lord I desire to bless others, to be all I can be. I desire that my faith be manifested in your work.
Lord so many people tell me to give up, that I'm not special, or that you don't work that way. Don't you? Look, I know that I am just one of several billion humans on this planet. I know that I am just one of even more billions that have existed in time and space that you have known and loved. I don't desire this because of some sort of justification that I would be better than any of them. I know this is a challenging life I desire, to be a figurehead, to be abundantly blessed. I know that for a rich man to serve God is a hard thing. However it is still a thing that can be done. Money is just a tool that you use to take care of people, it is a potential blessing, but it is not an end unto itself. I tell you God that I have vowed to take no other Gods before you. If I should even attempt to I would hope that through our relationship you would lead me away. Let me give away all the money I have rather than let it lead me to sin. You are my source. Many things you have promised, and I believe you can deliver.
I'm just so annoyed and tired. I wish I could just end this agony. I wish I could see the day of the Lord in my timing. I wish I could make sense out of this waiting place. I know he wants to build faith in me, but that's what is so frightening. Faith enough for what? If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, what has the Lord called me to face? That I would have to endure 3 years of being completely alone in my waiting. Of no one understanding or seeing what God showed me? I mean, it just makes it SO hard not to doubt him. Or doubt myself. Maybe I heard wrong. I'm not perfect. Yet in faith I believe I heard him verify that this is his plan. *sigh*
I don't know a stinkin thing about anything right now. I guess I'll just wait on his answer, it's not like I have anywhere to go.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Lust and God (or how I am dealing with my human desires)
The following is a way you might interpret lust. I know that everyone may not agree, but my sex life does not exist to please you. In fact it is like many things a gift from God that I enjoy while I am on this earth.
Do as you will, this is just how I'm dealing with crap.
So I've been reading Job lately, almost through. I desire that God would make me like Job, that nothing would tear me from him. However I am still a human being, I know that at times I do sinful things. So I came across this verse, and the verse said (paraphrasing) "I made a covenant with my eyes to not look at another woman in lust."
Alarm bells started going off. This is the oft touted scripture used to justify not looking at "dirty movies, pictures and books". Well if you know me you know I think that approach is not a loving approach. I think your personal life is between you and God. Of course if you are married you have obligations to your wife to live up to as well. I am not married. I double checked and as our split was due to infidelity on her part I am cleared of guilt. I could remarry, God has yet to bring me someone that I feel truly challenges me and makes me want to be a better man.
Which brings us to a point. First point, for those counting, is that I am not married and may never be so. Therefore how can I commit adultery?
The legalese I have heard is that since I may one day marry and if I look on a woman, or am with a woman in lust I am committing great sin against my future wife.That may very well be so. However I'm pretty sure my vows will say I will love honor and cherish her "from this day forward". I do not plan to have retroactive marriage vows. I'm not particularly jazzed about belonging to someone other than God. If I do get into that sort of commitment with God as my adviser he will help me to be smart about it. He will give me wisdom.
Point two:
Christ says in Matthew 5 "27"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; 28but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29"If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.…"
So this is an intense verse. It almost sounds like Jesus is saying to never look at a woman at all. Both the verses I discussed made me have to look up what lust means. Our society misuses words on a daily basis so I needed to know.
Lust is desired by some as a strong desire. But the definition that clicked with my heart was that lust is any desire that we put before God and the commitments we make to him. So if you look at a woman and it causes you to yearn to cheat on your wife (breaking a vow to God), or to stray from his path or his word, well then yes God will get upset.
One thing I know from a relationship with him is that he hates idolatry. He does not make us to be two faced. If you look on a woman and desire to sin with her then yes, you have committed a sin. If you look at a man and desire to kill him you have also sinned, does the book not say?
But if you look at any wonderful thing and say this "That is a wonderful thing. I'm glad God has created wonderful things. Someday if he is graceful enough to give me that thing or something like it I think that would be pretty grand." Where is the sin? If you do all things as unto God is he not good to guide you not to sin?
Now I may be justifying, and I have begged God to make my eyes clear on the matter. But I have not sinned against a wife I do not have. Because if I marry again it will be for love and she will help me as God does. God will send her as a guide to my stumbling feet and my weak flesh, and I to hers. God does not begrudge me having my daydreams. He doesn't even at least at present mind me using pictures to make those dreams more real. He desires my heart and he has it. Though I find those women beautiful and I would be filled with joy to love such a woman, I don't plan adultery with them. In the same manner when I watch a violent movie I don't plan or desire to murder anyone. I understand that it's a story. Christ was a storyteller and at times to make a point he'd kill off the protagonist or someone in the story. However Christ did not sin. I write stories as well, but it is not my desire to live them, it is my desire to tell them.
God is generous and he alone can judge. I know that what I just said will be picked apart by biblical scholars. But look, call what something is what it is. Envy and greed are sinful, yet we allow them to run rampant and wild through our society. When greed is kept in check by men who put gratitude and love before the desire for earthly things we may at last try and crack down on other forms of envy. However until you attack the sinful money worship with the same fervor that you attack sex, you attack the symptom but not the disease. Our wives are gifts from God. All gifts from God are good, and God is happy that we see it is good. But he does not want us worshiping the gifts. Don't worship your wife or any other woman. They are your gift from God, but they cannot save your soul. If you confide in the Lord and seek him first his promises are steadfast.
I hope that I have found wisdom, but even wisdom when found is a gift from God. He can tear it from you if you don't know the source. Any "God" other than the one whom you can have a personal relationship with is a false God. I challenge you if you talked to your money, asked it to grant you love, or security, or peace, would it answer you? Look at history, is money a steadfast assurance of success? Or are there greater powers on this earth than the feeble creations of man.
Do as you will, this is just how I'm dealing with crap.
So I've been reading Job lately, almost through. I desire that God would make me like Job, that nothing would tear me from him. However I am still a human being, I know that at times I do sinful things. So I came across this verse, and the verse said (paraphrasing) "I made a covenant with my eyes to not look at another woman in lust."
Alarm bells started going off. This is the oft touted scripture used to justify not looking at "dirty movies, pictures and books". Well if you know me you know I think that approach is not a loving approach. I think your personal life is between you and God. Of course if you are married you have obligations to your wife to live up to as well. I am not married. I double checked and as our split was due to infidelity on her part I am cleared of guilt. I could remarry, God has yet to bring me someone that I feel truly challenges me and makes me want to be a better man.
Which brings us to a point. First point, for those counting, is that I am not married and may never be so. Therefore how can I commit adultery?
The legalese I have heard is that since I may one day marry and if I look on a woman, or am with a woman in lust I am committing great sin against my future wife.That may very well be so. However I'm pretty sure my vows will say I will love honor and cherish her "from this day forward". I do not plan to have retroactive marriage vows. I'm not particularly jazzed about belonging to someone other than God. If I do get into that sort of commitment with God as my adviser he will help me to be smart about it. He will give me wisdom.
Point two:
Christ says in Matthew 5 "27"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; 28but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29"If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.…"
So this is an intense verse. It almost sounds like Jesus is saying to never look at a woman at all. Both the verses I discussed made me have to look up what lust means. Our society misuses words on a daily basis so I needed to know.
Lust is desired by some as a strong desire. But the definition that clicked with my heart was that lust is any desire that we put before God and the commitments we make to him. So if you look at a woman and it causes you to yearn to cheat on your wife (breaking a vow to God), or to stray from his path or his word, well then yes God will get upset.
One thing I know from a relationship with him is that he hates idolatry. He does not make us to be two faced. If you look on a woman and desire to sin with her then yes, you have committed a sin. If you look at a man and desire to kill him you have also sinned, does the book not say?
But if you look at any wonderful thing and say this "That is a wonderful thing. I'm glad God has created wonderful things. Someday if he is graceful enough to give me that thing or something like it I think that would be pretty grand." Where is the sin? If you do all things as unto God is he not good to guide you not to sin?
Now I may be justifying, and I have begged God to make my eyes clear on the matter. But I have not sinned against a wife I do not have. Because if I marry again it will be for love and she will help me as God does. God will send her as a guide to my stumbling feet and my weak flesh, and I to hers. God does not begrudge me having my daydreams. He doesn't even at least at present mind me using pictures to make those dreams more real. He desires my heart and he has it. Though I find those women beautiful and I would be filled with joy to love such a woman, I don't plan adultery with them. In the same manner when I watch a violent movie I don't plan or desire to murder anyone. I understand that it's a story. Christ was a storyteller and at times to make a point he'd kill off the protagonist or someone in the story. However Christ did not sin. I write stories as well, but it is not my desire to live them, it is my desire to tell them.
God is generous and he alone can judge. I know that what I just said will be picked apart by biblical scholars. But look, call what something is what it is. Envy and greed are sinful, yet we allow them to run rampant and wild through our society. When greed is kept in check by men who put gratitude and love before the desire for earthly things we may at last try and crack down on other forms of envy. However until you attack the sinful money worship with the same fervor that you attack sex, you attack the symptom but not the disease. Our wives are gifts from God. All gifts from God are good, and God is happy that we see it is good. But he does not want us worshiping the gifts. Don't worship your wife or any other woman. They are your gift from God, but they cannot save your soul. If you confide in the Lord and seek him first his promises are steadfast.
I hope that I have found wisdom, but even wisdom when found is a gift from God. He can tear it from you if you don't know the source. Any "God" other than the one whom you can have a personal relationship with is a false God. I challenge you if you talked to your money, asked it to grant you love, or security, or peace, would it answer you? Look at history, is money a steadfast assurance of success? Or are there greater powers on this earth than the feeble creations of man.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Battle
So I had to do a complex work around, and it's still not clickable in preview.... let's hope the final product is better.
What I really want to talk about is that I made a stand today.
Today I stood against the idea that someone else owns me. Now, how is this a controversial stand? Do I not live in America, is there not a bill of rights that clearly states I am in ownership of certain freedoms? Wasn't the whole concept, in fact, of the revolution to overthrow tyranny?
You'd be right on all those counts. However, since the dawn of our country many persons and organizations have tried hard to get rid of the rights of the people. Many of the rights we have we are uneducated or misinformed about the truth about. If you ever encounter someone who owns you, first of all you must know they are wrong.
No one can own you without your permission. End of story. "What about slavery?" Terms and conditions people. They may enslave your body but your mind is free. Furthermore proper slavery is really illegal in this country. However we did invent something close to as nasty. Would you like to hear about it? It's called at will employment.
The concept behind at will employment is that you are working at your own will, and under limited conditions. This means you have no contract. It makes hiring and firing people go much quicker and it's part of what makes the modern corporation in America SO successful. So, if for example you decide you want to walk out of your employer right away, you can. If, in addition, your employer wants to fire you for no reason other than they do not like you, they can do that too!
Are you starting to see? No, we need to go down the logical path a bit more. Now, suppose you worked at a company that owns a drill factory. Your job is that you are the person that checks that the machines are working correctly, nothing going wrong, and that they aren't spitting out too many defective drill parts. Defective drill parts cost the company money for something that they cannot recoup, so that makes your job important, doesn't it?
You'd like to think that. However, your company believes that instead of putting people over people and letting people run the show, they are going to create policy and let the policy run the show. The people are just meat puppets for the policy. Remember, again, this is an at will employment environment. You as the worker have no voice or rights about policy changes.
Are you ready for our story to have some fun? I am.
So, one day you fall on the job and hit your head. You stand back up and feel kind of dizzy. Now your job is not one that can be safely performed while dizzy. So you go tell your boss.
Your boss blows his lid. How dare you! Don't you know how lucky you are to have a job? Don't you know how much we paid to train you? Don't you understand that if you go home sick it will cost the company money? Don't you understand that your human failings will reflect badly on your boss?
Because remember, a company is a machine to make money by selling products or services. It is not a machine to take care of it's employees, or even to make sure that it makes good products or services. Those are not things that such a machine can think about.
So your boss, and I think you should feel really sorry for the guy, has been forced to be a voice for the machine. He is forced to tell you why it's not good for the company that you are a person. He may even say something along the lines of that there will be consequences for your human error. Or that you might even lose your job. This is him trying to force you into working when you are injured. You want to know the best part, at least if we think about it from your bosses point of view? If he manages to talk you into working while injured and you don't get further injured and nothing happens to you for which you could file suit, he gets away with the verbal and emotional abuse. In fact it helps his career.
What's more if he manages to bully you enough, you'll forget that you even have human rights. The company owns you because you depend on them for a paycheck. You have LET them own you. YOU have sold yourself into slavery. Because if you allow yourself to be the subject of abuse, and you allow inhuman conditions because you are scared of them, you have become a silent partner to the human rights abuses in the right to work system.
Now, after he gets done verbally abusing you, there are two things you can do, and either will take ALL the power away from him. One thing you can do is quit. If your services are marketable, and you are in an uncomfortable situation you are fully within your rights to that moment say that you are ending your employment with the drill company and walk off. Another thing to do is to do what is right regardless and see what he will do to you. This is a relative of what I did ( I'm not going into details because it's not time). If he becomes abusive again, you can look him in the eye, say "I'm going to do what I did last time, the right thing, regardless of whatever you are going to do to me." He's just an employer. He's only your boss. He's not God, he's not the government, he doesn't own the mortgage on your house. He's not your wife, not your family, and you literally owe him nothing.
No man can own you. The problem with us is that too often we walk into handcuffs wrists out eager to be locked away with an uncontrollable monster. That monster is greed. I would rather almost anything than be enslaved.
Money doesn't own you either. You own your things, they don't own you. You can walk out on your things and live a perfectly healthy and happy life. If you put your love and faith and devotion in something that does not fade away, that won't betray you and that will never forget your needs and rights, then there is nothing these fake gods can do to hurt you. You are free. Today, this very moment. You just need to declare your independence.
Oh, and one more thing, about working at will:
Unless you are part of a stock option or shared ownership plan, the only interest you share in them keeping their business going is that you have a job. When you stop wanting or needing that job, you have no interest in what THEY do to lose the company money. You have no fault and share no guilt because you did not create the circumstances that are losing them money. You didn't build the building, you didn't start the business with just a few employees and a dream. You are work for hire. Nothing more. You do work in direct relation to the compensation you receive. If you are underpaid then quit. If you are mistreated, find somewhere or something that treats you better. No one deserves to live with something that hurts them, or undervalues them.
When you are attacked and put down you are being devalued. When you are strained past what is reasonable to expect, you are being devalued. When you are spoken to as if you are not free to have a mind of your own, you are being devalued. If your self esteem is lowered because people around you are telling you that you deserve this treatment, you are being lied to. No one deserves to be abused, and there is no amount of money or security that can make me be subject to it or dish it out.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
greed
So, oh I have so many things to say, and such a limited time, space, and energy to express them.
My uncle died, and I'm going through tons of emotional shit, and I am pretty much entirely alone just me and God dealing together with this BS world.
BS means bullshit when I say it, not Bachelor of Science..... Quirky I know.
So I'm dealing with the concept of greed this week. I am actually almost always coming to terms with my own greed, as well as the greed of others. The secular world(and in fact most of the religious world) is so complacent about greed that it never diagnoses it as the source of a problem.
EXAMPLE:
War, war is about greed. Greed says that those with the means to reach for power should get it, provided the ends justify the means. What people don't want to say is that when you're drunk on greed the ends always justify the means. So what if 100,000 people have to die, you get your power, right? So what if you endanger the lives of children, force families into poverty, cause long lasting damage, so what if you get your power. It says it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I mean I could be talking about a number of things I know are wrong with the world. I could be talking about capitalism as it stands in America. I could be talking about foreign policy. I could be talking about domestic policy. The fact is that currently it looks like greed and greedy people are running the show. But let me tell you something, they don't. If you don't succumb to greed, and focus on self preservation, love and kindness they can't run you. Christ taught this back in Rome. The only freedom from slavery is if you don't buy into the system. You aren't a slave so long as you hold on to your human rights and stand up for the downtrodden. They don't know what to do with that.
The thing is that as long as you are breathing, thinking, and living, there are things they can't control any more than you could. They do not know what is coming around the corner. Regimes change overnight. Rome fell and petty dictators die. This is a fact. Every summer comes to an end into fall and winter. Ever winter comes to an end and warmth and spring follow.
Fear is all any evil person really has. Fear usually has some backing, but those with greed are further weakened by their quest for more power. They don't WANT you to fight them. You don't even ever have to take an aggressive action, you just take an assertive stance. You know the difference? An aggressive person says "How dare you treat me this way, I'll make you pay for that." This is petty and childish.
An assertive person says "The way your treating me is unacceptable. You can fix it, or there will be consequences. I will not let you control my emotions however."
When someone forces you to say that they aren't your friend. They are at best a neutral party to your life and at worst an enemy. The rest of the world says kill your enemies. I say love them. Tell them you understand they are hurt, or frustrated. Tell them that while you understand that, you had no involvement in making them that way. In fact, you want them to make the decision they feel is right for THEM. It'll change their worldview. "Wait, you don't want to hurt me for all the hurt I've caused you? But I had prepared for you to accuse me, instead you've forgiven me? I don't know how to respond. I certainly can't hurt you now without looking really bad."
People who are greedy are self focused. I know, I am a greedy person. However my greed is channeled into being all that God has made me to be. My greed says my treasure is in heaven.
Look into yourself, see a human just like them. Comfort that human, console that human. Give that human your kindness and compassion. No matter what they do from there, you have loved your neighbor.
The world is changing. Greed will not continue to win forever, in fact the Bible says that the riches the greedy have amassed will be handed over to the righteous.
My uncle died, and I'm going through tons of emotional shit, and I am pretty much entirely alone just me and God dealing together with this BS world.
BS means bullshit when I say it, not Bachelor of Science..... Quirky I know.
So I'm dealing with the concept of greed this week. I am actually almost always coming to terms with my own greed, as well as the greed of others. The secular world(and in fact most of the religious world) is so complacent about greed that it never diagnoses it as the source of a problem.
EXAMPLE:
War, war is about greed. Greed says that those with the means to reach for power should get it, provided the ends justify the means. What people don't want to say is that when you're drunk on greed the ends always justify the means. So what if 100,000 people have to die, you get your power, right? So what if you endanger the lives of children, force families into poverty, cause long lasting damage, so what if you get your power. It says it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I mean I could be talking about a number of things I know are wrong with the world. I could be talking about capitalism as it stands in America. I could be talking about foreign policy. I could be talking about domestic policy. The fact is that currently it looks like greed and greedy people are running the show. But let me tell you something, they don't. If you don't succumb to greed, and focus on self preservation, love and kindness they can't run you. Christ taught this back in Rome. The only freedom from slavery is if you don't buy into the system. You aren't a slave so long as you hold on to your human rights and stand up for the downtrodden. They don't know what to do with that.
The thing is that as long as you are breathing, thinking, and living, there are things they can't control any more than you could. They do not know what is coming around the corner. Regimes change overnight. Rome fell and petty dictators die. This is a fact. Every summer comes to an end into fall and winter. Ever winter comes to an end and warmth and spring follow.
Fear is all any evil person really has. Fear usually has some backing, but those with greed are further weakened by their quest for more power. They don't WANT you to fight them. You don't even ever have to take an aggressive action, you just take an assertive stance. You know the difference? An aggressive person says "How dare you treat me this way, I'll make you pay for that." This is petty and childish.
An assertive person says "The way your treating me is unacceptable. You can fix it, or there will be consequences. I will not let you control my emotions however."
When someone forces you to say that they aren't your friend. They are at best a neutral party to your life and at worst an enemy. The rest of the world says kill your enemies. I say love them. Tell them you understand they are hurt, or frustrated. Tell them that while you understand that, you had no involvement in making them that way. In fact, you want them to make the decision they feel is right for THEM. It'll change their worldview. "Wait, you don't want to hurt me for all the hurt I've caused you? But I had prepared for you to accuse me, instead you've forgiven me? I don't know how to respond. I certainly can't hurt you now without looking really bad."
People who are greedy are self focused. I know, I am a greedy person. However my greed is channeled into being all that God has made me to be. My greed says my treasure is in heaven.
Look into yourself, see a human just like them. Comfort that human, console that human. Give that human your kindness and compassion. No matter what they do from there, you have loved your neighbor.
The world is changing. Greed will not continue to win forever, in fact the Bible says that the riches the greedy have amassed will be handed over to the righteous.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Nice guys
This started as a convo on Tumblr, and it's pretty good, I'll try and sort out what I wrote and what they wrote, here's how they started it:
radicalmuscle answered:
Yeah actually.
So I have a huge problem with the “nice guy” category of men as they’re the ones who ALWAYS complain about not having a girlfriend. They’re the type who think that girls only go for douchebags and who also think that being nice entitles them to romance. I don’t know how, but men have warped the general concept of benevolence into some sort of quid pro quo thing. They think that giving a girl one simple compliment is deserving of a date or some attention and they get angry when they don’t get that attention. That’s when they start to be dicks and will just disrespect women which makes it even harder to get a mate. And then they have the gall to blame women for their own situation.
Basically, most men treat women like objects that were put on this earth to satisfy their sexual desires instead of treating them like humans.
There are many things to blame for this behaviour, such as male privilege, the portrayal of men and women in most media, and other things. But my opinion as a human male is that the biggest problem seems to be that men don’t see themselves as the problem.
jiutrampdo:
Guys who call themselves nice guys, but complain about who women date usually aren’t nice guys.
If the women are dating so called bad guys, so what, find other women. What they mean to say though, is that they want easy women but haven’t got the skills to attract them. The bad guys are the ones who put some excitement into life,
A lot of these so called nice guys will then start to look to date outside of their race because they then get a problem with women in that race and see women outside of their race as easier.
Fuck them guys.
This is where I come in:
Response from a former “nice guy”
Look, we all want companionship, and being nice is something we are taught women like. They do, after a fashion, but it’s just one part of the puzzle. First of all every woman has different desires based on what they want out of a man. Second, women want a man with confidence. So called “bad guys” have confidence to be a jerk and that is by itself attractive. I’m reasonably sure that women are just as upset about us men dating shallow girls who are total jerks as well. Usually they call them bitches. Now we men can say that’s girls just being catty, or jealous, but if you have been told by more than 3 people that your girl is a bitch, or is “using” you, just get out.
Now back to nice guys. Sometimes nice guys are passive, meaning they don’t stand up for themselves, or take action first. They wait for someone else to do things for them. This leads their romantic partner to feel like they are “parenting” their boyfriend. No emotionally healthy woman is into this. Supporting you? Yes, after a reasonable time period mutual support is acceptable. When you go out with a woman for the first time you are showing her you are a capable mate. On an evolutionary level let’s go down the date checklist:
1. Look good: Wear something that you feel like makes you look nice. A nice jeans and T-shirt works around here, but if you really want a bang go with designer jeans and a button up shirt. Whatever you wear make sure it is cleaned/pressed and doesn’t look like you picked it up off your floor. Smelling good is a major turn on guys, never go out smelling bad!
2. Exude confidence: Show her who you are. If you’re a geek be the geek and try and use some of the broader geek humor (everyone has seen Star Wars). If you are a man of faith share that. If you play an instrument, a sport, anything that shows that you get out of the house and develop a talent. NEVER say anything that says to her that you are: Homeless, Jobless, Hopeless, or Afraid. Even if you ARE, she wants to know you can cope internally in the short run. If you screw up make a joke of it. Think of a date like an opening night performance, it’s going to be a little awkward, but the show must go on.
3. Listen: Listen to her. Ask her questions about her. Really the fact is that the more conversation revolves around her the more things work well for you. If you never reveal anything about yourself on a first date, the worst it could be is that she isn’t interested (in which case you didn’t get vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care, go you). At best you come off as confident and interested. Now don’t grill her. Just get to know the lady. This is your time to figure her out. Is she a good fit for you? If not, well better luck next time.
You have to kiss alot of frogs if you want the best, any attractive woman will tell you that. Also, sometimes, for no reason at all you won’t be able to find an attractive woman for months at a time. Just hunker down and enjoy your hobbies because dry spells are pretty much worthless for dating.
radicalmuscle answered:
Yeah actually.
So I have a huge problem with the “nice guy” category of men as they’re the ones who ALWAYS complain about not having a girlfriend. They’re the type who think that girls only go for douchebags and who also think that being nice entitles them to romance. I don’t know how, but men have warped the general concept of benevolence into some sort of quid pro quo thing. They think that giving a girl one simple compliment is deserving of a date or some attention and they get angry when they don’t get that attention. That’s when they start to be dicks and will just disrespect women which makes it even harder to get a mate. And then they have the gall to blame women for their own situation.
Basically, most men treat women like objects that were put on this earth to satisfy their sexual desires instead of treating them like humans.
There are many things to blame for this behaviour, such as male privilege, the portrayal of men and women in most media, and other things. But my opinion as a human male is that the biggest problem seems to be that men don’t see themselves as the problem.
jiutrampdo:
Guys who call themselves nice guys, but complain about who women date usually aren’t nice guys.
If the women are dating so called bad guys, so what, find other women. What they mean to say though, is that they want easy women but haven’t got the skills to attract them. The bad guys are the ones who put some excitement into life,
A lot of these so called nice guys will then start to look to date outside of their race because they then get a problem with women in that race and see women outside of their race as easier.
Fuck them guys.
This is where I come in:
Response from a former “nice guy”
Look, we all want companionship, and being nice is something we are taught women like. They do, after a fashion, but it’s just one part of the puzzle. First of all every woman has different desires based on what they want out of a man. Second, women want a man with confidence. So called “bad guys” have confidence to be a jerk and that is by itself attractive. I’m reasonably sure that women are just as upset about us men dating shallow girls who are total jerks as well. Usually they call them bitches. Now we men can say that’s girls just being catty, or jealous, but if you have been told by more than 3 people that your girl is a bitch, or is “using” you, just get out.
Now back to nice guys. Sometimes nice guys are passive, meaning they don’t stand up for themselves, or take action first. They wait for someone else to do things for them. This leads their romantic partner to feel like they are “parenting” their boyfriend. No emotionally healthy woman is into this. Supporting you? Yes, after a reasonable time period mutual support is acceptable. When you go out with a woman for the first time you are showing her you are a capable mate. On an evolutionary level let’s go down the date checklist:
1. Look good: Wear something that you feel like makes you look nice. A nice jeans and T-shirt works around here, but if you really want a bang go with designer jeans and a button up shirt. Whatever you wear make sure it is cleaned/pressed and doesn’t look like you picked it up off your floor. Smelling good is a major turn on guys, never go out smelling bad!
2. Exude confidence: Show her who you are. If you’re a geek be the geek and try and use some of the broader geek humor (everyone has seen Star Wars). If you are a man of faith share that. If you play an instrument, a sport, anything that shows that you get out of the house and develop a talent. NEVER say anything that says to her that you are: Homeless, Jobless, Hopeless, or Afraid. Even if you ARE, she wants to know you can cope internally in the short run. If you screw up make a joke of it. Think of a date like an opening night performance, it’s going to be a little awkward, but the show must go on.
3. Listen: Listen to her. Ask her questions about her. Really the fact is that the more conversation revolves around her the more things work well for you. If you never reveal anything about yourself on a first date, the worst it could be is that she isn’t interested (in which case you didn’t get vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care, go you). At best you come off as confident and interested. Now don’t grill her. Just get to know the lady. This is your time to figure her out. Is she a good fit for you? If not, well better luck next time.
You have to kiss alot of frogs if you want the best, any attractive woman will tell you that. Also, sometimes, for no reason at all you won’t be able to find an attractive woman for months at a time. Just hunker down and enjoy your hobbies because dry spells are pretty much worthless for dating.
----
Now I realize after reading this I never explained how often nice guys are under confident and desperately seeking female approval. Instead I went straight on instructing on how not to be a total pig on a date. The point I'm making is that if you work on yourself enough being a nice man DOES pay off. You just need some assertiveness.
Now I realize after reading this I never explained how often nice guys are under confident and desperately seeking female approval. Instead I went straight on instructing on how not to be a total pig on a date. The point I'm making is that if you work on yourself enough being a nice man DOES pay off. You just need some assertiveness.
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So embed doesn't work anymore, there goes one of the most fun parts of my blog.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
waking up
Though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes in the morning- Psalms
I assume the Psalmist isn't being literal, this morning I feel like boiled crap. I felt..... so so waking up...... then I started singing...... I started playing with Tumblr......... I enjoy it because there are beautiful women, workout motivation pics, and sometimes this one blogger says horribly depressing shit........ and that's all great...... but I live in a sexless void where dreaming is the best it gets. Could I get laid? Oh sure..... and deal with that mess again..... I could have sex/make love with my girlfriend...... who knows what that would do..... well, I've theorized it would make her more attached..... which I can't handle right now.
Where are you today God?
When will I be truly free?
I need to quit this fucking job.
*sigh* I'm going to go pump some weight.
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Right, so embed codes don't want to work today.... here is the link.... and here is the lyric that keeps making me cry......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebtqoKHyHzk
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
frustration rant
So, I know it doesn't matter to anyone, well apart from God and heaven knows what his perspective is on such things, but I am so FRUSTRATED and angry at my life.
It's just, it would be enough if I just had to deal with the stupid job that I have to do because God called me to it for this season. You know, the verbal abuse, the hours, the just overall suckage of working there. Yes I know suckage isn't a word. Tis now.
Then there is school. Which doesn't outright suck, it's just draining. I get so tired of being not good enough, or struggling with simple logistics. Like today, I couldn't make it to school because of a MASSIVE panic attack.... which is caused by working for a tyrant............
It's just the unending nature of the suffering. I've lifted it up to God and even now I do so...... .but I feel nothing but misery about the whole thing. If he would let me die I'd take him up on that because it seems that is the best anyone else has planned for me. 12 more years I have to deal with the world as it is right now....... *sigh* I just..... wish God would do something.....
it's just so annoying, I feel like I have to do all the work in this stupid relationship. I'm the one that has to endure day after day working for these abusive people. I'm the one that actually reaches out and is kind to the children. I must forgive those that hurt me constantly....... I spend so much of my energy listening to God, trying to follow him. He gave me this huge stupid vision to change the world..... and where are the resources? Why would he call me to these things and leave me in slavery and misery? God only knows...... I'm sure he has some sort of plan........ I just wish the agony would end.
It's just, it would be enough if I just had to deal with the stupid job that I have to do because God called me to it for this season. You know, the verbal abuse, the hours, the just overall suckage of working there. Yes I know suckage isn't a word. Tis now.
Then there is school. Which doesn't outright suck, it's just draining. I get so tired of being not good enough, or struggling with simple logistics. Like today, I couldn't make it to school because of a MASSIVE panic attack.... which is caused by working for a tyrant............
It's just the unending nature of the suffering. I've lifted it up to God and even now I do so...... .but I feel nothing but misery about the whole thing. If he would let me die I'd take him up on that because it seems that is the best anyone else has planned for me. 12 more years I have to deal with the world as it is right now....... *sigh* I just..... wish God would do something.....
it's just so annoying, I feel like I have to do all the work in this stupid relationship. I'm the one that has to endure day after day working for these abusive people. I'm the one that actually reaches out and is kind to the children. I must forgive those that hurt me constantly....... I spend so much of my energy listening to God, trying to follow him. He gave me this huge stupid vision to change the world..... and where are the resources? Why would he call me to these things and leave me in slavery and misery? God only knows...... I'm sure he has some sort of plan........ I just wish the agony would end.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Another day, heartache and all
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You know, being alone long term does change you.
Anyway, I wanted to tell this story with a clear head. I had another dream last night that defies interpretation by dream dictionaries due to being too specific. I dreamed that somehow I found a recording of my ex wife and I on a TV show. In this show she was cheating on me with the star of the show. My dad was there too. The point is that none of us had speaking roles despite being part of the plot. I guess that sums it up. I don't feel like I'm the star of my own life. I feel like someone else is winning because someone else stole the only woman I ever trusted. So there it is. That's that case wrapped up.
Anyway, it's another day, the pain goes on and there's only one solution for me, that's move on. Yesterday sucked.
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Missed classes because of sucky parking and traffic. I hate this town. I wish God would take this problem away, but that's just kind of the chorus to my life at this point. I'm sorry to be a downer. I'm leaving now.
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/tytOwMLqufg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
let's try seeing if this DOESN'T crash my computer this time..... (post attempt 2, last time the preview sent a fatal error at my computer.)
You know, being alone long term does change you.
Anyway, I wanted to tell this story with a clear head. I had another dream last night that defies interpretation by dream dictionaries due to being too specific. I dreamed that somehow I found a recording of my ex wife and I on a TV show. In this show she was cheating on me with the star of the show. My dad was there too. The point is that none of us had speaking roles despite being part of the plot. I guess that sums it up. I don't feel like I'm the star of my own life. I feel like someone else is winning because someone else stole the only woman I ever trusted. So there it is. That's that case wrapped up.
Anyway, it's another day, the pain goes on and there's only one solution for me, that's move on. Yesterday sucked.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Yop62wQH498" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Missed classes because of sucky parking and traffic. I hate this town. I wish God would take this problem away, but that's just kind of the chorus to my life at this point. I'm sorry to be a downer. I'm leaving now.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/U6vLAa-kylM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/tytOwMLqufg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
let's try seeing if this DOESN'T crash my computer this time..... (post attempt 2, last time the preview sent a fatal error at my computer.)
Sunday, August 18, 2013
new priorities
oh gosh, I started the idea of this post this morning before work, before the gym, and before ALOT of soul searching.
Today I have had multiple conversations about and on God. Despite watching diary of a wimpy kid with my kiddos, God still used me to minister today. If even to one, ministry is still alive.
I guess the really big issue in my life is where to. I've been wrestling with the career half of it and have decided to go down the path towards the MD. I am not CERTAIN that I want the ending of MD, but the path looks right, it feels hopeful, and hope is up right now.
Which of course throws into contrast that which is not hopeful. Sex, for one. I mean, I just spent an hour having a complicated conversation explaining to a friend about the nature of finding an amazing woman in your early 20s, feeling like a teenager, screwing it up because you're scared and living the rest of your life in regret. Because that's a thing.
But here is the thing, I have said over 20 times today that A."God has a plan for your(my) life. He wants the best for you(me)" and B. "Sometimes you(I) think you(I) know what you(I) want/need but only God can provide that. So while I can't be sure that God will do what you(I) expect I can say that he will watch over you and guide you through it for his glory."
I completely stand by both of those statements, both of them are true. They are also difficult if not nigh impossible to implement on your own. I'm not going to resort to metephor because believe it or not I'm trying to go to bed. Yes, God wants the best for me and even if I don't know it he is working great things in my life to help me do better. Every day.
My sex drive is screwed up. I know there are women I'm sexually attracted to, but given my current place in the grand plan I don't feel worthy of having sex with them and procreating. Which leaves me in a sexually frustrated state I think would even make the apostle Paul say "That's some crazy shit"(I'm paraphrasing).
I'm crazy about love, when I'm ministering to people, or when I'm loving God or my family. Those that I can't screw it up with. Let's take THAT apart.
The assurance that I won't screw up is the only reason I take huge risks and get away with it. I love my kiddos on a level others don't because God commands me to and because I get away with it due to God wanting me to. I love my family because I'm allowed to and they love me back. I love God because he's amazing and I would be lost without him. Why should I love a woman?
The moment I find a woman I completely desire (it doesn't happen often, don't worry) I get super excited and either I screw it up, God throws a wrench or she runs off. Sometimes a combination of those is involved. The point is I get so happy over receiving the gift from God that I don't worship the giver of the gift above the gift itself. Because up until recently my relationships with the females in my life has been better than my relationship with God. God had to put me in a place where that didn't work anymore to make me see who he is and who he wants to be in my life.
I don't know what I concluded, other than that I am tired and God has a plan. I never even raised the question about whether God wants me to ever get married. Well, for another time. If ever.
here is today's happy fun time:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/JdxkVQy7QLM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Today I have had multiple conversations about and on God. Despite watching diary of a wimpy kid with my kiddos, God still used me to minister today. If even to one, ministry is still alive.
I guess the really big issue in my life is where to. I've been wrestling with the career half of it and have decided to go down the path towards the MD. I am not CERTAIN that I want the ending of MD, but the path looks right, it feels hopeful, and hope is up right now.
Which of course throws into contrast that which is not hopeful. Sex, for one. I mean, I just spent an hour having a complicated conversation explaining to a friend about the nature of finding an amazing woman in your early 20s, feeling like a teenager, screwing it up because you're scared and living the rest of your life in regret. Because that's a thing.
But here is the thing, I have said over 20 times today that A."God has a plan for your(my) life. He wants the best for you(me)" and B. "Sometimes you(I) think you(I) know what you(I) want/need but only God can provide that. So while I can't be sure that God will do what you(I) expect I can say that he will watch over you and guide you through it for his glory."
I completely stand by both of those statements, both of them are true. They are also difficult if not nigh impossible to implement on your own. I'm not going to resort to metephor because believe it or not I'm trying to go to bed. Yes, God wants the best for me and even if I don't know it he is working great things in my life to help me do better. Every day.
My sex drive is screwed up. I know there are women I'm sexually attracted to, but given my current place in the grand plan I don't feel worthy of having sex with them and procreating. Which leaves me in a sexually frustrated state I think would even make the apostle Paul say "That's some crazy shit"(I'm paraphrasing).
I'm crazy about love, when I'm ministering to people, or when I'm loving God or my family. Those that I can't screw it up with. Let's take THAT apart.
The assurance that I won't screw up is the only reason I take huge risks and get away with it. I love my kiddos on a level others don't because God commands me to and because I get away with it due to God wanting me to. I love my family because I'm allowed to and they love me back. I love God because he's amazing and I would be lost without him. Why should I love a woman?
The moment I find a woman I completely desire (it doesn't happen often, don't worry) I get super excited and either I screw it up, God throws a wrench or she runs off. Sometimes a combination of those is involved. The point is I get so happy over receiving the gift from God that I don't worship the giver of the gift above the gift itself. Because up until recently my relationships with the females in my life has been better than my relationship with God. God had to put me in a place where that didn't work anymore to make me see who he is and who he wants to be in my life.
I don't know what I concluded, other than that I am tired and God has a plan. I never even raised the question about whether God wants me to ever get married. Well, for another time. If ever.
here is today's happy fun time:
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Wednesday, August 7, 2013
something I never talk about, body image
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So, this is the sort of thing I watch, I've read probably 15 books or so on the subject of diet and exercise. Let me summarize and save you a TON of heartache and trouble.
Summary of all gym books and magazines: "None of those guys have any idea what they are talking about. They may say their science is real but my science is WAY more real. I got ripped on this plan, you can too."
About 12-30 pages of THAT.
Then it's: "Uncomfortable diet, heavy exercise."
I want to talk about the whole industry of men's health. It's a big pyramid scheme of that there are some really ripped dudes out there. Did they get there by hard work? Perhaps, but the real key to LOOKING ripped? low body fat percentage. As you age this get's LOTS harder. Not to mention if you want to go from 25 percent body fat (which is low AVERAGE, where I was at the beginning of the summer) to 7-9 percent body fat (and I have been working out like crazy for the past 4 months and still am NOT there) you have to have way more resources to devote to it. One key I believe is lower stress makes goals like this easier. If you live a lifestyle where you have to take anti anxiety medicine to GET THROUGH THE DAY....... getting ripped is going to be harder. My anti anxiety medicine, for example, makes me eat. Like I start to feel like I don't know how to go on breathing if I don't eat right after I take the stuff. Anti depressants are 10 times worse. Now it is a fact I could live without anti anxiety medicine, but at that point I could not work where I do and do what I do. The frankly superhuman level of patience I have with the BS I see on a daily basis has a chemical root. I don't know how to do it any other way.
Now to the psychological root of this whole desire, it's vanity, pure and simple. I'm already strong, but it's not enough. Not while I'm not pushing myself, going farther every day to be the best.
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haha, yes exactly. Did you ever notice that Ash is the worst trainer ever? He let all kinds of legendary Pokemon just get away, not catching them all is what I'm saying. Why are we leaving saving the world to a preteen? I mean that's just plain irresponsible. Alright, I'm stopping.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I have a certain amount of male vanity and pride still. I've been so completely humbled when it comes to my career, my life, realizing it's God's not mine. Realizing that it really doesn't matter if I'm doing what I want for a living, or if I'm where I want to be. If he says I need to be there, then that's what I need to abide by.
So, this is the sort of thing I watch, I've read probably 15 books or so on the subject of diet and exercise. Let me summarize and save you a TON of heartache and trouble.
Summary of all gym books and magazines: "None of those guys have any idea what they are talking about. They may say their science is real but my science is WAY more real. I got ripped on this plan, you can too."
About 12-30 pages of THAT.
Then it's: "Uncomfortable diet, heavy exercise."
I want to talk about the whole industry of men's health. It's a big pyramid scheme of that there are some really ripped dudes out there. Did they get there by hard work? Perhaps, but the real key to LOOKING ripped? low body fat percentage. As you age this get's LOTS harder. Not to mention if you want to go from 25 percent body fat (which is low AVERAGE, where I was at the beginning of the summer) to 7-9 percent body fat (and I have been working out like crazy for the past 4 months and still am NOT there) you have to have way more resources to devote to it. One key I believe is lower stress makes goals like this easier. If you live a lifestyle where you have to take anti anxiety medicine to GET THROUGH THE DAY....... getting ripped is going to be harder. My anti anxiety medicine, for example, makes me eat. Like I start to feel like I don't know how to go on breathing if I don't eat right after I take the stuff. Anti depressants are 10 times worse. Now it is a fact I could live without anti anxiety medicine, but at that point I could not work where I do and do what I do. The frankly superhuman level of patience I have with the BS I see on a daily basis has a chemical root. I don't know how to do it any other way.
Now to the psychological root of this whole desire, it's vanity, pure and simple. I'm already strong, but it's not enough. Not while I'm not pushing myself, going farther every day to be the best.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/JuYeHPFR3f0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
haha, yes exactly. Did you ever notice that Ash is the worst trainer ever? He let all kinds of legendary Pokemon just get away, not catching them all is what I'm saying. Why are we leaving saving the world to a preteen? I mean that's just plain irresponsible. Alright, I'm stopping.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I have a certain amount of male vanity and pride still. I've been so completely humbled when it comes to my career, my life, realizing it's God's not mine. Realizing that it really doesn't matter if I'm doing what I want for a living, or if I'm where I want to be. If he says I need to be there, then that's what I need to abide by.
Gratitude letters episode 1: The employer
I needed to write this letter for other reasons, but I want this to be a new exercise for me to do. Stay tuned, also planning one for ex wife, and for the bullies I dealt with as a child. This is for people who have been in my life more recently in my life. I've dealt with a number of employers since my departure from marriage. This is to one of them. I won't name them to protect their interests, so this is my disclaimer:
This letter is written to a real life entity. That entity is a spirit of want, or of greed. This letter is not a reflection on any person living or dead except for their slavery to that entity. If this convicts you that is of your own account. If you are offended, well, in the words of someone whom I respect "live with it. Such problems come with the territory." I welcome any intelligent discussion on the issues. Enough of my legalistic prattle, the letter at last:
To whom it may concern,
For many years I have studied at your feet. Not in the note of one whom puts themselves at the feet of a guru or mentor, but as a slave endures under the boot of their owner. But you do not own me, in truth you never did. But this is not a letter for me to communicate how I have been hurt by you. To be honest I feel like such a letter would be white noise in the environment you create around you. This is a letter to say thank you.
For every lesson I could not have learned without you, I thank you.
I am forever in gratitude to you for teaching me so well. I doubt you even knew you were teaching, yet learn I did. For never being there, you made me learn to stand on my own. By never taking responsibility for me, you taught me accountability. By not making time for me you taught me to rely on a higher power. By throwing me repeatedly into challenging situations out of my depth, you made me stronger. By making me fight to survive, you made me passionate about living. Even as you sucked the life out of me I was stronger to be refilled. You gave me a common good to fight for. You gave me allies to defend. You gave me humility by showing me the frivolity of my selfish pride. You gave me so much. Most of all, deep in my heart you gave me the assurance that someday if I trust in God you will not be in my life anymore. For many years I had lost direction. I knew I wanted to help people but I didn't know where to find them. You gave me a cause. You gave counterpoint to my passions and drives. To an idealist you gave dystopian fear, a community that makes Dilbert look optimistic and makes Camus a ray of sunshine. To a lost man you gave a road to follow, though you are not in the road, you are the brier that reminds me what could happen if I stumble. I pray I always remember the lesson I learned seeing the people who that happened to. Thank you for giving me experience. Thank you for being a challenging opponent, and letting me play hero if only in my mind.
Sincerely,
This guy
This letter is written to a real life entity. That entity is a spirit of want, or of greed. This letter is not a reflection on any person living or dead except for their slavery to that entity. If this convicts you that is of your own account. If you are offended, well, in the words of someone whom I respect "live with it. Such problems come with the territory." I welcome any intelligent discussion on the issues. Enough of my legalistic prattle, the letter at last:
To whom it may concern,
For many years I have studied at your feet. Not in the note of one whom puts themselves at the feet of a guru or mentor, but as a slave endures under the boot of their owner. But you do not own me, in truth you never did. But this is not a letter for me to communicate how I have been hurt by you. To be honest I feel like such a letter would be white noise in the environment you create around you. This is a letter to say thank you.
For every lesson I could not have learned without you, I thank you.
I am forever in gratitude to you for teaching me so well. I doubt you even knew you were teaching, yet learn I did. For never being there, you made me learn to stand on my own. By never taking responsibility for me, you taught me accountability. By not making time for me you taught me to rely on a higher power. By throwing me repeatedly into challenging situations out of my depth, you made me stronger. By making me fight to survive, you made me passionate about living. Even as you sucked the life out of me I was stronger to be refilled. You gave me a common good to fight for. You gave me allies to defend. You gave me humility by showing me the frivolity of my selfish pride. You gave me so much. Most of all, deep in my heart you gave me the assurance that someday if I trust in God you will not be in my life anymore. For many years I had lost direction. I knew I wanted to help people but I didn't know where to find them. You gave me a cause. You gave counterpoint to my passions and drives. To an idealist you gave dystopian fear, a community that makes Dilbert look optimistic and makes Camus a ray of sunshine. To a lost man you gave a road to follow, though you are not in the road, you are the brier that reminds me what could happen if I stumble. I pray I always remember the lesson I learned seeing the people who that happened to. Thank you for giving me experience. Thank you for being a challenging opponent, and letting me play hero if only in my mind.
Sincerely,
This guy
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Humbled
I hope I have effectively communicated how humbled I feel at present. My situation is at constant odds with me, trying to crush me, yet I carry on. The world tries to stomp me out, yet here I am. I found some books that Lindsay and I did together, a scrapbook and a premarital workbook. I felt convicted to contact Mark Young and apologize. I did, and it was gut wrenching. I don't know that anything will come of it, but he told me not to marry the woman, and I didn't listen. I'm older, hopefully wiser now. I'm going to contact my old friend Shelby as well.
deeper hope: Faith in action
I find doing something out of faith an incredibly deep and personal process. It can change so much about my personal walk, just moving, doing something to worship him.
I do think I'm strange. I'm odd because I don't get as excited about God when I'm talking about him in church. That's the part that drives me NUTS. Because we sit around two hours a week and TALK, and WORSHIP, but nothing comes of it, apart from obedience which I understand the value. It is also of value to keep the sabbath holy, and so I do. But days like today, ordinary working days where God and I meet and talk, those are the days that mean everything to me. Today just cleaning my house is a worship. I'm thanking God for all he has given me, and it is alot. I'm doing something that feels alien and unnatural to my flesh, in my darkest days I am preparing for my brightest. Why am I cleaning my house?
The spirit urges me to. Many days the spirit urges me to go the gym, and I often meet God there when I let go of my stress and my pain and perform my best. But I have been not at peace for some time about this house. I feel it is a burden, yet I know it's a blessing, God just has to bring things back into perspective. *sigh*
This is hard. It's hard for me to explain how God is working on my heart while he's doing it. I feel you would really have to be here getting dirty and setting things right one by one with God and I to understand what he's doing in my heart. Perhaps it's an answer to prayer. Perhaps it's the anticipation of liberation. Like a prisoner cleaning his cell waiting for release. Not really that grave (though spiritually it is pretty dire some days), more like the Isrealites crossing the Jordon into the promise land.
I feel I can see it, I can taste it, I can feel his presence and I know that he will do what he promises. I don't know how, and I don't know what it will look like. But this is my act of worship today. More work to follow, but it's good work.
I do think I'm strange. I'm odd because I don't get as excited about God when I'm talking about him in church. That's the part that drives me NUTS. Because we sit around two hours a week and TALK, and WORSHIP, but nothing comes of it, apart from obedience which I understand the value. It is also of value to keep the sabbath holy, and so I do. But days like today, ordinary working days where God and I meet and talk, those are the days that mean everything to me. Today just cleaning my house is a worship. I'm thanking God for all he has given me, and it is alot. I'm doing something that feels alien and unnatural to my flesh, in my darkest days I am preparing for my brightest. Why am I cleaning my house?
The spirit urges me to. Many days the spirit urges me to go the gym, and I often meet God there when I let go of my stress and my pain and perform my best. But I have been not at peace for some time about this house. I feel it is a burden, yet I know it's a blessing, God just has to bring things back into perspective. *sigh*
This is hard. It's hard for me to explain how God is working on my heart while he's doing it. I feel you would really have to be here getting dirty and setting things right one by one with God and I to understand what he's doing in my heart. Perhaps it's an answer to prayer. Perhaps it's the anticipation of liberation. Like a prisoner cleaning his cell waiting for release. Not really that grave (though spiritually it is pretty dire some days), more like the Isrealites crossing the Jordon into the promise land.
I feel I can see it, I can taste it, I can feel his presence and I know that he will do what he promises. I don't know how, and I don't know what it will look like. But this is my act of worship today. More work to follow, but it's good work.
Monday, August 5, 2013
quickie update
So ever so slowly I'm trying to turn it back around. One cigar at a time I'm turning back the tide (I had two a day for a few days there) every morning I try to use my time more effectively, which of course means less time for lust (unless it's a LUST FOR LIFE haha)
Today's music:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/dISqPMADs00" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Every girl IS a something girl. Which reminds me, had to break a few hearts at work this week by finally being ready to spread it around that I am taken. Not that I had other things on the line, I had some girls that would have LIKED to be. Granted dating someone you work with is not only unethical in my line of work, it could be career suicide. Saucy flirting? That's fine. But actually getting involved is dangerous.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/a3t3IKlXqFU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
ANYWAY!!
I need to go make some weights quiver with fear. Or whatever they do when they are going to be hit SO FRICKEN HARD!!!
LET'S DO THIS!!
Today's music:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/dISqPMADs00" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Every girl IS a something girl. Which reminds me, had to break a few hearts at work this week by finally being ready to spread it around that I am taken. Not that I had other things on the line, I had some girls that would have LIKED to be. Granted dating someone you work with is not only unethical in my line of work, it could be career suicide. Saucy flirting? That's fine. But actually getting involved is dangerous.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/a3t3IKlXqFU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
ANYWAY!!
I need to go make some weights quiver with fear. Or whatever they do when they are going to be hit SO FRICKEN HARD!!!
LET'S DO THIS!!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
sometimes the right words just come to me in this dark world
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/DVOwD4XQVvY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I've been through so many ups and downs over the past few weeks, and today this is EXACTLY where I need to be. We lived through another day, it's a good excuse to celebrate. Take a number knock on wood find a reason to feel good.
I don't remember whether I've shared about the path that this book took me down. The book is called Plan B. Anyway, it made a really valid point that if you are worshiping the dream and not the one who can provide it, you are in idol worship. Look at WHERE your heart is. Not where you say it is, where it actually is. Is it in things? Is it in people? Is it in ideals? All of those are wrong, if you are seeking an authentic relationship with God he demands to be placed first. Look I'm not saying it's easy, or feels good, or even seems that good for you (at least in the way the health movement would say, given you can feel pretty shitty while you're following him). It hurts, it might make you cry. It might shatter your reality and make you question if he even loved you to begin with. Good, now you're really engaging in him.
My current perspective is that if you have to fight to make it work with him, maybe you're finally getting it. It's no SUPPOSED to be easy. Look at David, or Joseph, or even Moses. Did they have it easy? And God showed up for them in a powerful way. When we think we know what is best for us we make ourselves the God in our life. It's a set up for failure. Now I'm not saying I know how it will fail, I just know that there is only one being who really knows what you need completely, and that's him. If anyone else tries, no matter how good their intentions, they'll mess it up.
I had an absolutely great set up. I married a woman I loved and was willing to work to make that work out. I was convinced I had given it all to God. But I hadn't. Because loving her was an idol in my life. I believed it could fix my hurts, and stop the pain. In the end God destroyed it, and you know what? In my heart I think I probably asked for that. I asked to understand him. He wanted me to understand that he comes first. You dig?
So now here I am. Saying to him that he is God in my life, whatever his will is I must abide in it, because I abide in him. I'm still facing up to huge challenges that I can't solve without him. I still need him, and I still need a miracle. But I know at last that I didn't SCREW UP to get here. I'm here because this is where I need to be to draw close to him. It comes back to the cross, and this is what really helped me understand how much control we have to give up. Even Christ in the end had to release control and free fall through the worst pain imaginable to bring about the miracle that saved us all. Pain is part of the process. It's how God shows us we really need him. It's how he shows us who he is.
When Christ got nailed to the cross it had to look pretty bleak. I mean, even to Christ, even to his followers, there had to be a feeling of "what next God?" Then Christ completely fell back on the love of God and gave everything for us. What I want to talk about is Saturday. Friday he died. We all see plenty of those moments in our real lives, don't we? The dream died. The marriage ended. Your loved one gave in and passed away. The friendship ended. You experience setback in your career. God NEVER says he will stop these things from happening.
Now could he? Oh sure he could. The comfort path looks easier, but it is deceptive. What would you learn without the pain? Where would your pride be? Where would your love come from? Saturday is when we need God the most. Saturday, at least I believe, is when faith is built. Look I'm writing this as much for anyone that reads it as for me. I'm processing right now because these are some heavy concepts. We need to worship him, or at least be still and wait for him in the worst moment, in the Saturday of our lives.
Personally I believe that is where I am at present. All my pride has been stripped down, all my hope has been crushed into the dirt. It sure looked like it was over there, for awhile at least. That's part of the test. He loves us so much he lets these tests happen, and he knows or hopes anyway we will still be there on Sunday. Because no matter how dark Saturday is, the morning is coming. God WILL show up in the situation and he does answer prayers. Will it be like you hoped? Probably not. But I think we'll be grateful it wasn't.
God could have saved my marriage. He so absolutely could have. I went through so much doubt because of what happened. You know, I still love her, and I still miss her. But you know what I don't miss? Not knowing who God really is. I was so stupid. I was so hardheaded. I was so weak. God took it all away. HE alone could put me through a cleansing fire and burn away all my selfish pigheaded ways. It took a path that I don't know if anyone should take, but I took it. Because staying alive was the only option I had. I'll say this: I'd rather have lost everything of value to me and learned my true value to God, I'd rather he take the worst thing that has ever happened to me and turn it into a foundation of proof that he loves me, I'd rather lose the world and gain God.
He hasn't shown me my Sunday yet. I don't know where this upswing of faith came from. I don't know how I take another step. But I do. I am so sure I'm following him right now. Because it is hard. The evil one musters his forces, trying to take me down, trying to stop God's amazing power he has put in me, and I survive. Even now he tries to whittle away my hope by trying to keep me from posting this.
Last night I faced a huge challenge. Every day I work I face challenges. But I go on. Even though I cannot STAND it at times, I do what I must do.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/8RxZsC9xolY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
FYI, I love me some Devo. I enjoy worshiping using pop songs, I don't know why I am this way, but I still find God in the most unlikely places. There is a line in this version and I have heard the original version, it isn't in there, so I assume God is finding me new words to say the way I feel. "I must do what I must do, and when I do I feel better." I'm a creature of duty, and doing my duty makes me feel so much better.
I guess the real question I have left is one only he can answer. The question being, will I ever find my nirvana, my shangri-la, my enlightened peace. That I cannot be sure of. I wonder sometimes if such things can only be real in your heart. When I married Lindsay for a brief time I believed in an on earth Shangri La. Just me and her and our love. God above to shine his love upon us and take care of our needs. Then that reality came ripping apart. My heart broke, because my idealistic expectations that joy would endure forever were dashed.
Then for a time I had no responsibility, I got high, had sex, and slept quite a bit. I thought "maybe this is paradise, so many say it is". It was beautiful, in it's way. Someone once said that narcotic drugs are artificial shortcuts to the feelings that enlightenment brings. I would agree. But that time passed as well.
Now here I sit. I know there are no sure things, well apart from God's love. The thing about it is we can't really say for sure how he will show us his love, can we? So while I can tell you that he will bring you peace and joy, I can't say for sure that the storm will stop forever. I'm trying to find a place where it stops, but where I can still love him and be close to him.
The thing about it is, it's not my decision. It's his. The good book says plenty about the abundance of heaven. Many of us have chased it, in vain I'm afraid. It's a good thing, in it's way, because it makes us look to God for our ultimate completion. The thing about it is that it says only after we seek God first will all things be added to us. Sounds easy. It isn't though. Because he knows when we're faking it for the reward. He knows when we are trying to take the short route. Saying "OK God, I love you, I gave you my heart, now take care of me" he says back "If you really gave me your heart you'd know I'm already doing that."
you might, as I have say then "But what about this dream you gave me, if I love you and give you everything, why haven't you given me my dream?" He might then reply "Did you give the dream to me?" Lay down everything before him. Every earthly desire, and watch what he does. If the dream is of him he'll do it, it's his plan to begin with, but he needs your trust more than he needs you to see his glory. Sometimes we have to let go to completely trust in him. Sometimes we need to realize that even though he gave us something great, we can't worship the gift, we worship the giver. Even now in my heart I wish there were some magic words or some button I could press and make the dream he gave me happen, it entices me so. But I still see that he is God. Even if he never gives me my dreams, he still loves me. I need him more than I can ever know.
I want to look at Abraham for a minute. When I was a child my father, who was an ORU grad and sunday school teacher illustrated in graphic terms what it felt like for abraham to deal with what God asked him to do. First of all, Abraham had a dream, and that was to have a son. God gave him SUCH promises, he said that his offspring would outnumber the stars. Abraham had to wait. He didn't do it well, but God STILL delivered Isaac to Abraham. The scripture says that he loved Isaac very much. My father loves me very much, my parents tried for five years to have me, and I know how hard that must have been. Then God asked Abraham to go up to a mountain and sacrifice Isaac as a burnt offering.
Just imagine, your whole world is summed up by the realization of your dream, what is more your dream is a person, and God is saying that he wants you to give the dream back to him. I can so relate. So Abraham takes Isaac up to the mountain to give him back to God. I don't even thing what comes next matters. What matters is that God did this. He wanted to see if Abraham loved God or his gifts more. Abraham showed who he really is when he was tested like this. He went up to the mountain. God said right before the moment of truth to stop. He provided a ram to sacrifice instead. Because it was his plan for Isaac to live. But he wants us to follow him when it doesn't make sense. He wants us to follow him at the expense of all else. Sometimes it takes a painful test to prove it.
God is faithful, and he is good. He will provide you what he promises. He will give you what you need the most. Sometimes it may not seem like it. It may be more than you can handle, actually I know it will, because he wants you to let him handle it. If it wasn't needed he wouldn't do it. I hope this helps.
I've been through so many ups and downs over the past few weeks, and today this is EXACTLY where I need to be. We lived through another day, it's a good excuse to celebrate. Take a number knock on wood find a reason to feel good.
I don't remember whether I've shared about the path that this book took me down. The book is called Plan B. Anyway, it made a really valid point that if you are worshiping the dream and not the one who can provide it, you are in idol worship. Look at WHERE your heart is. Not where you say it is, where it actually is. Is it in things? Is it in people? Is it in ideals? All of those are wrong, if you are seeking an authentic relationship with God he demands to be placed first. Look I'm not saying it's easy, or feels good, or even seems that good for you (at least in the way the health movement would say, given you can feel pretty shitty while you're following him). It hurts, it might make you cry. It might shatter your reality and make you question if he even loved you to begin with. Good, now you're really engaging in him.
My current perspective is that if you have to fight to make it work with him, maybe you're finally getting it. It's no SUPPOSED to be easy. Look at David, or Joseph, or even Moses. Did they have it easy? And God showed up for them in a powerful way. When we think we know what is best for us we make ourselves the God in our life. It's a set up for failure. Now I'm not saying I know how it will fail, I just know that there is only one being who really knows what you need completely, and that's him. If anyone else tries, no matter how good their intentions, they'll mess it up.
I had an absolutely great set up. I married a woman I loved and was willing to work to make that work out. I was convinced I had given it all to God. But I hadn't. Because loving her was an idol in my life. I believed it could fix my hurts, and stop the pain. In the end God destroyed it, and you know what? In my heart I think I probably asked for that. I asked to understand him. He wanted me to understand that he comes first. You dig?
So now here I am. Saying to him that he is God in my life, whatever his will is I must abide in it, because I abide in him. I'm still facing up to huge challenges that I can't solve without him. I still need him, and I still need a miracle. But I know at last that I didn't SCREW UP to get here. I'm here because this is where I need to be to draw close to him. It comes back to the cross, and this is what really helped me understand how much control we have to give up. Even Christ in the end had to release control and free fall through the worst pain imaginable to bring about the miracle that saved us all. Pain is part of the process. It's how God shows us we really need him. It's how he shows us who he is.
When Christ got nailed to the cross it had to look pretty bleak. I mean, even to Christ, even to his followers, there had to be a feeling of "what next God?" Then Christ completely fell back on the love of God and gave everything for us. What I want to talk about is Saturday. Friday he died. We all see plenty of those moments in our real lives, don't we? The dream died. The marriage ended. Your loved one gave in and passed away. The friendship ended. You experience setback in your career. God NEVER says he will stop these things from happening.
Now could he? Oh sure he could. The comfort path looks easier, but it is deceptive. What would you learn without the pain? Where would your pride be? Where would your love come from? Saturday is when we need God the most. Saturday, at least I believe, is when faith is built. Look I'm writing this as much for anyone that reads it as for me. I'm processing right now because these are some heavy concepts. We need to worship him, or at least be still and wait for him in the worst moment, in the Saturday of our lives.
Personally I believe that is where I am at present. All my pride has been stripped down, all my hope has been crushed into the dirt. It sure looked like it was over there, for awhile at least. That's part of the test. He loves us so much he lets these tests happen, and he knows or hopes anyway we will still be there on Sunday. Because no matter how dark Saturday is, the morning is coming. God WILL show up in the situation and he does answer prayers. Will it be like you hoped? Probably not. But I think we'll be grateful it wasn't.
God could have saved my marriage. He so absolutely could have. I went through so much doubt because of what happened. You know, I still love her, and I still miss her. But you know what I don't miss? Not knowing who God really is. I was so stupid. I was so hardheaded. I was so weak. God took it all away. HE alone could put me through a cleansing fire and burn away all my selfish pigheaded ways. It took a path that I don't know if anyone should take, but I took it. Because staying alive was the only option I had. I'll say this: I'd rather have lost everything of value to me and learned my true value to God, I'd rather he take the worst thing that has ever happened to me and turn it into a foundation of proof that he loves me, I'd rather lose the world and gain God.
He hasn't shown me my Sunday yet. I don't know where this upswing of faith came from. I don't know how I take another step. But I do. I am so sure I'm following him right now. Because it is hard. The evil one musters his forces, trying to take me down, trying to stop God's amazing power he has put in me, and I survive. Even now he tries to whittle away my hope by trying to keep me from posting this.
Last night I faced a huge challenge. Every day I work I face challenges. But I go on. Even though I cannot STAND it at times, I do what I must do.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/8RxZsC9xolY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
FYI, I love me some Devo. I enjoy worshiping using pop songs, I don't know why I am this way, but I still find God in the most unlikely places. There is a line in this version and I have heard the original version, it isn't in there, so I assume God is finding me new words to say the way I feel. "I must do what I must do, and when I do I feel better." I'm a creature of duty, and doing my duty makes me feel so much better.
I guess the real question I have left is one only he can answer. The question being, will I ever find my nirvana, my shangri-la, my enlightened peace. That I cannot be sure of. I wonder sometimes if such things can only be real in your heart. When I married Lindsay for a brief time I believed in an on earth Shangri La. Just me and her and our love. God above to shine his love upon us and take care of our needs. Then that reality came ripping apart. My heart broke, because my idealistic expectations that joy would endure forever were dashed.
Then for a time I had no responsibility, I got high, had sex, and slept quite a bit. I thought "maybe this is paradise, so many say it is". It was beautiful, in it's way. Someone once said that narcotic drugs are artificial shortcuts to the feelings that enlightenment brings. I would agree. But that time passed as well.
Now here I sit. I know there are no sure things, well apart from God's love. The thing about it is we can't really say for sure how he will show us his love, can we? So while I can tell you that he will bring you peace and joy, I can't say for sure that the storm will stop forever. I'm trying to find a place where it stops, but where I can still love him and be close to him.
The thing about it is, it's not my decision. It's his. The good book says plenty about the abundance of heaven. Many of us have chased it, in vain I'm afraid. It's a good thing, in it's way, because it makes us look to God for our ultimate completion. The thing about it is that it says only after we seek God first will all things be added to us. Sounds easy. It isn't though. Because he knows when we're faking it for the reward. He knows when we are trying to take the short route. Saying "OK God, I love you, I gave you my heart, now take care of me" he says back "If you really gave me your heart you'd know I'm already doing that."
you might, as I have say then "But what about this dream you gave me, if I love you and give you everything, why haven't you given me my dream?" He might then reply "Did you give the dream to me?" Lay down everything before him. Every earthly desire, and watch what he does. If the dream is of him he'll do it, it's his plan to begin with, but he needs your trust more than he needs you to see his glory. Sometimes we have to let go to completely trust in him. Sometimes we need to realize that even though he gave us something great, we can't worship the gift, we worship the giver. Even now in my heart I wish there were some magic words or some button I could press and make the dream he gave me happen, it entices me so. But I still see that he is God. Even if he never gives me my dreams, he still loves me. I need him more than I can ever know.
I want to look at Abraham for a minute. When I was a child my father, who was an ORU grad and sunday school teacher illustrated in graphic terms what it felt like for abraham to deal with what God asked him to do. First of all, Abraham had a dream, and that was to have a son. God gave him SUCH promises, he said that his offspring would outnumber the stars. Abraham had to wait. He didn't do it well, but God STILL delivered Isaac to Abraham. The scripture says that he loved Isaac very much. My father loves me very much, my parents tried for five years to have me, and I know how hard that must have been. Then God asked Abraham to go up to a mountain and sacrifice Isaac as a burnt offering.
Just imagine, your whole world is summed up by the realization of your dream, what is more your dream is a person, and God is saying that he wants you to give the dream back to him. I can so relate. So Abraham takes Isaac up to the mountain to give him back to God. I don't even thing what comes next matters. What matters is that God did this. He wanted to see if Abraham loved God or his gifts more. Abraham showed who he really is when he was tested like this. He went up to the mountain. God said right before the moment of truth to stop. He provided a ram to sacrifice instead. Because it was his plan for Isaac to live. But he wants us to follow him when it doesn't make sense. He wants us to follow him at the expense of all else. Sometimes it takes a painful test to prove it.
God is faithful, and he is good. He will provide you what he promises. He will give you what you need the most. Sometimes it may not seem like it. It may be more than you can handle, actually I know it will, because he wants you to let him handle it. If it wasn't needed he wouldn't do it. I hope this helps.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Forget people
Lord, if you intend me to have support you bring the people, because I'm done opening up to anyone. I just got backhand slapped by an ex friend. No one FUCKING wants to help. I'm so sick of this place. I'm sick of alot. But I know this is all to build strength. This is all to show me how to rely on you. Honestly I don't care if anyone ever looks at me again. *SIGH*
Why do I bother?
Why do I bother?
Friday, July 26, 2013
grim fate, the illusion of control and the march forward
I may have glazed over some things in my earlier post. Those things mostly have to do with suicide. So let's start with the facts on my view of suicide.
1. If you tell people you must convey it as an unfortunate consequence, not as "oh I'm so emotional I'm going to act out." If you are suicidal past 18 act like an adult about it.
2. If the act must be committed in any sort of moral way it should be done with calm planning, weighing of options and consideration. Poor planning produces poor results.
3. If you pretend any form of relationship with God you have to give the decision to him in some way. We must do all things as unto him.
number 3 is what got me. It was a moral loophole I had written into the law to allow me to commit moral suicide. I figured if God was on the side of the decision I would not only be fairly sure not to fail, but the afterlife picture would be a bit better at any rate, perhaps purgatory over hell, that sort of thing.
So I prayed a simple prayer "God if it is your will that I die then let this happen. If you want something else then stop it."
So he stopped it.
I don't need to or want to go into why I wanted to die, or why I still think it's a rational reaction to the facts that God is not entitled to save me, nor may he be inclined to otherwise, by some sort of preconceptions of mercy or grace being motivators to him. If he has motivation it is his own.
So I guess we'll call that a praise report. It's a God report at any rate, because it IS something he did, better or worse.
I will take a moment to brag on my faith, when he did say no (and mind you I gave him some lead time to do that), I didn't stubbornly select the next option for death. One method removed was enough. I got the message, which is not now.
/RANT
Does anyone ever notice those are his favorite words? Always not now. I would like a family, his answer? Not now. Get me out of this cursed place I beg you Lord. Not now. Make this cursed place more comfortable. Not now. UHHGUH!
/RANT
So this leads into another God report. We'll call it that anyway. I told him not to encourage my dreams of wide open spaces or of Denver unless it was real, and the dreams persist. Take that, as you will.
This morning I smelled burning wood like a woodchipper, I thought about how to deal with plant waste on the property. Compost and all that, and how not to let it look trashy. I didn't ASK to think that. I didn't TRY to think about that. It just came to me. The way moments like that have come to me often in the previous months. Could mean something.
I'm getting more help anyway. The folks have revived wanting to help me, now above board and with no guilt attached. Not that I feel much guilt for them helping when they said they would. *sigh*
I find great irony in that God has told me of such humble position things like that I'll change the whole country. Well, if so, more material for my memoirs.
1. If you tell people you must convey it as an unfortunate consequence, not as "oh I'm so emotional I'm going to act out." If you are suicidal past 18 act like an adult about it.
2. If the act must be committed in any sort of moral way it should be done with calm planning, weighing of options and consideration. Poor planning produces poor results.
3. If you pretend any form of relationship with God you have to give the decision to him in some way. We must do all things as unto him.
number 3 is what got me. It was a moral loophole I had written into the law to allow me to commit moral suicide. I figured if God was on the side of the decision I would not only be fairly sure not to fail, but the afterlife picture would be a bit better at any rate, perhaps purgatory over hell, that sort of thing.
So I prayed a simple prayer "God if it is your will that I die then let this happen. If you want something else then stop it."
So he stopped it.
I don't need to or want to go into why I wanted to die, or why I still think it's a rational reaction to the facts that God is not entitled to save me, nor may he be inclined to otherwise, by some sort of preconceptions of mercy or grace being motivators to him. If he has motivation it is his own.
So I guess we'll call that a praise report. It's a God report at any rate, because it IS something he did, better or worse.
I will take a moment to brag on my faith, when he did say no (and mind you I gave him some lead time to do that), I didn't stubbornly select the next option for death. One method removed was enough. I got the message, which is not now.
/RANT
Does anyone ever notice those are his favorite words? Always not now. I would like a family, his answer? Not now. Get me out of this cursed place I beg you Lord. Not now. Make this cursed place more comfortable. Not now. UHHGUH!
/RANT
So this leads into another God report. We'll call it that anyway. I told him not to encourage my dreams of wide open spaces or of Denver unless it was real, and the dreams persist. Take that, as you will.
This morning I smelled burning wood like a woodchipper, I thought about how to deal with plant waste on the property. Compost and all that, and how not to let it look trashy. I didn't ASK to think that. I didn't TRY to think about that. It just came to me. The way moments like that have come to me often in the previous months. Could mean something.
I'm getting more help anyway. The folks have revived wanting to help me, now above board and with no guilt attached. Not that I feel much guilt for them helping when they said they would. *sigh*
I find great irony in that God has told me of such humble position things like that I'll change the whole country. Well, if so, more material for my memoirs.
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