oh gosh, I started the idea of this post this morning before work, before the gym, and before ALOT of soul searching.
Today I have had multiple conversations about and on God. Despite watching diary of a wimpy kid with my kiddos, God still used me to minister today. If even to one, ministry is still alive.
I guess the really big issue in my life is where to. I've been wrestling with the career half of it and have decided to go down the path towards the MD. I am not CERTAIN that I want the ending of MD, but the path looks right, it feels hopeful, and hope is up right now.
Which of course throws into contrast that which is not hopeful. Sex, for one. I mean, I just spent an hour having a complicated conversation explaining to a friend about the nature of finding an amazing woman in your early 20s, feeling like a teenager, screwing it up because you're scared and living the rest of your life in regret. Because that's a thing.
But here is the thing, I have said over 20 times today that A."God has a plan for your(my) life. He wants the best for you(me)" and B. "Sometimes you(I) think you(I) know what you(I) want/need but only God can provide that. So while I can't be sure that God will do what you(I) expect I can say that he will watch over you and guide you through it for his glory."
I completely stand by both of those statements, both of them are true. They are also difficult if not nigh impossible to implement on your own. I'm not going to resort to metephor because believe it or not I'm trying to go to bed. Yes, God wants the best for me and even if I don't know it he is working great things in my life to help me do better. Every day.
My sex drive is screwed up. I know there are women I'm sexually attracted to, but given my current place in the grand plan I don't feel worthy of having sex with them and procreating. Which leaves me in a sexually frustrated state I think would even make the apostle Paul say "That's some crazy shit"(I'm paraphrasing).
I'm crazy about love, when I'm ministering to people, or when I'm loving God or my family. Those that I can't screw it up with. Let's take THAT apart.
The assurance that I won't screw up is the only reason I take huge risks and get away with it. I love my kiddos on a level others don't because God commands me to and because I get away with it due to God wanting me to. I love my family because I'm allowed to and they love me back. I love God because he's amazing and I would be lost without him. Why should I love a woman?
The moment I find a woman I completely desire (it doesn't happen often, don't worry) I get super excited and either I screw it up, God throws a wrench or she runs off. Sometimes a combination of those is involved. The point is I get so happy over receiving the gift from God that I don't worship the giver of the gift above the gift itself. Because up until recently my relationships with the females in my life has been better than my relationship with God. God had to put me in a place where that didn't work anymore to make me see who he is and who he wants to be in my life.
I don't know what I concluded, other than that I am tired and God has a plan. I never even raised the question about whether God wants me to ever get married. Well, for another time. If ever.
here is today's happy fun time:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/JdxkVQy7QLM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Today I have had multiple conversations about and on God. Despite watching diary of a wimpy kid with my kiddos, God still used me to minister today. If even to one, ministry is still alive.
I guess the really big issue in my life is where to. I've been wrestling with the career half of it and have decided to go down the path towards the MD. I am not CERTAIN that I want the ending of MD, but the path looks right, it feels hopeful, and hope is up right now.
Which of course throws into contrast that which is not hopeful. Sex, for one. I mean, I just spent an hour having a complicated conversation explaining to a friend about the nature of finding an amazing woman in your early 20s, feeling like a teenager, screwing it up because you're scared and living the rest of your life in regret. Because that's a thing.
But here is the thing, I have said over 20 times today that A."God has a plan for your(my) life. He wants the best for you(me)" and B. "Sometimes you(I) think you(I) know what you(I) want/need but only God can provide that. So while I can't be sure that God will do what you(I) expect I can say that he will watch over you and guide you through it for his glory."
I completely stand by both of those statements, both of them are true. They are also difficult if not nigh impossible to implement on your own. I'm not going to resort to metephor because believe it or not I'm trying to go to bed. Yes, God wants the best for me and even if I don't know it he is working great things in my life to help me do better. Every day.
My sex drive is screwed up. I know there are women I'm sexually attracted to, but given my current place in the grand plan I don't feel worthy of having sex with them and procreating. Which leaves me in a sexually frustrated state I think would even make the apostle Paul say "That's some crazy shit"(I'm paraphrasing).
I'm crazy about love, when I'm ministering to people, or when I'm loving God or my family. Those that I can't screw it up with. Let's take THAT apart.
The assurance that I won't screw up is the only reason I take huge risks and get away with it. I love my kiddos on a level others don't because God commands me to and because I get away with it due to God wanting me to. I love my family because I'm allowed to and they love me back. I love God because he's amazing and I would be lost without him. Why should I love a woman?
The moment I find a woman I completely desire (it doesn't happen often, don't worry) I get super excited and either I screw it up, God throws a wrench or she runs off. Sometimes a combination of those is involved. The point is I get so happy over receiving the gift from God that I don't worship the giver of the gift above the gift itself. Because up until recently my relationships with the females in my life has been better than my relationship with God. God had to put me in a place where that didn't work anymore to make me see who he is and who he wants to be in my life.
I don't know what I concluded, other than that I am tired and God has a plan. I never even raised the question about whether God wants me to ever get married. Well, for another time. If ever.
here is today's happy fun time:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/JdxkVQy7QLM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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