*opens post then has to go tell dog to stop screaming so he can write*
I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble waiting.
So, I know usually I come back from God time full of strength and vigor, but at the moment I'm really cheesed off and I want to rant. Writing helps with that sometimes. It is such a stupid annoying thing being an idealist and serving God. Because one of God's major themes is waiting, another is humility, and still another is setting aside your pride. Yet the idealist in me lives on because God has use for it. He wants me holding on to his vision. I do not know why. I do not know why he tells me shit and then waits years to do anything about it. Some days I do not understand him at all.
Here is the trouble with where I'm at: I have taken some steps in faith and my mortal, young, human mind wants results. It wants assurance in results, and frankly God doesn't do that. I know, oh so well, that sometimes you do shit, and you give and you give and you give, and his reaction is "Good job, stay in that situation, you're good". I know that me giving and giving and giving to him DOES NOT mean he is obligated to do jack shit. It means I love him. Does he love me? Yes he does, but it's a tough love. It's not like you would love a car, or your house, it's how you would love a son. Sometimes you let him go through painful shit so he learns a thing or two. Sometimes you have him do stuff just because he's family and you don't do anything because a gift by definition is something given without expectation of reward. So yes, I have cast my faith on him, given him control over my finances, and here I am.
I just left a stressful situation that was sharpening me because it was awful. The great thing about it was I knew that one day I wouldn't be there and it would be better. I knew I was doing kingdom work. I knew that he would bless me for my faith in hardship. What am I to do now? I have lost my definition as that job. I was GOOD at it, and that gave me self esteem. I had a steady income stream, though it did not satisfy. Now, I have paid my bills. I have paid God his due in tithe. There is none left over for me. I cannot repair my house, I cannot do many things because to be faithful with my money I must pay my bills first. I'm waiting on God, and I've been waiting on him a long time.
My major complaint is that at the moment I don't feel tons of love for him. I appreciate his gifts, it is by his mercy I can pay my bills and I could leave that place. It is following his signs that got me here. So here I am, trying to stand on his word, struggling to stand. When the lord takes something from you it is much harder than when he gives to you. Usually he doesn't need to take, I give because it is a joy to give what I had planned to give. Yet sometimes it's like he wants to test our relationship. He says to me "Do you see this thing you treasure, my blessing to you and a place you have been able to faithfully serve and give to me? I ask you to lay it down, toss it away like a used tissue. You are done and you have learned all you can."
Not literally that I heard a voice, but that was the gist of the message. Of course I could have always misinterpreted, but I don't think I did. So I gave that to him as well. He has shown me where and what he will give me, but he holds it out away from me, making me wait. He tests my faith once again.
My life is good. I have a good house, good stuff to do, and a good car. I have a good dog, good food, and good entertainment. I have some good people in my life, some whom God has sent to take care of me, some for me to help. I know that if this was all God had for me it would be good and I would probably find a way to be content. Yet I desire more. Especially now that I laid out my sacrifices. I am frustrated that I cannot bring more time sacrifices to him. I am frustrated that I must sit and wait on his mercy. I am frustrated with his timing. I'm so tired of being young, and human, and poor. Are these not meant to be temporary conditions? How often I have heard old people say "It went by so fast." Bullshit. It's going by, especially now, at a snails pace. I wish that I might blink and years have flown by, however several of the last few years have been mini decades. I have learned more in 16 months on the mountain than I did in 7 years between 10-17. I definitely learned more in the last 3 years that I have been divorced than I did in the years between 15 and 22, another 7 years. I have wisdom yet where is the reward? I invest myself in him, and I see that itself as the only reward I have received. A greater relationship with him, one cannot weigh on the scales and determine worth. I know this to be true: A rich man could search for 10 years and not know God's redeeming love as I have seen it. However, a poor man cannot take this love to the bank and pay off his house with it, now can he? This world says it measures labor by wealth, but wealth of love or wealth of faith has what value in the face of these carnal problems?
All I know is that God will feed me today, he will give me peace, he will let me endure any hardship. Will I get out? I do not know, my only response is if it is the will of God then in his timing he will deliver. You cannot force his hand, you cannot jimmy his blessings open like a christmas gift the week before christmas. You can only follow his directions, love the Lord your God with all your strength. So I do. Love your neighbor as yourself, I continue working on that. A part of me wishes I could boast of the things I have done, or of those I have loved, but all I have done is allowed God to work in me.
I wish I could say I was deserving of any of this, but I'm not. I am a redeemed sinner, like any of you may be. I don't deserve more, I don't deserve any of this. Really, thinking about it, I deserve to die for my sins, yet what great travesty of justice I won't. God sent Jesus to die in my place. I feel so selfish asking for more, when such great gifts I have received.
I repeat and repeat what I said from the beginning about this vision he gave me. This is your plan God, yes I look on it and call it good. Yes I agree with you that it would be the fufillment of the desires of my heart. Nevertheless it remains your plan. If you choose to not let it come to pass for one hundred years, it would be so, and it would be good timing if that were so. If it happened tomorrow according to your will it would be good as well. If it is your desire that I not set foot in the promised land or see the plan fufilled that too would be good, because I would pass that plan to another if you wanted it so. If I die tomorrow and come home to you, if that were your will, it would be good because another would take up your cause. If I live 1,000 years and do many great things for you, that too would be good, if it is your will. Your plans are higher than my plans and your ways are higher than my ways.
I am just a servant of yours, thrilled to be yours and to be alive in this moment serving you. Surely you had meaning and plans when you gave me this vision, because you do nothing in vain. I will not doubt you, I will not leave you or deny you. You who preserved me through dark valleys, who blessed me through trials and tests. You are everything, and I will serve you. Please, give me understanding to your timing. Give me understanding of these trials and tests. Please Lord, accept my humble plea, if it is your will please lead me out of this season of lack and of want. Lead me into your abundance. I know that you will bless me even in the dry and scorched places, but Lord I desire to bless others, to be all I can be. I desire that my faith be manifested in your work.
Lord so many people tell me to give up, that I'm not special, or that you don't work that way. Don't you? Look, I know that I am just one of several billion humans on this planet. I know that I am just one of even more billions that have existed in time and space that you have known and loved. I don't desire this because of some sort of justification that I would be better than any of them. I know this is a challenging life I desire, to be a figurehead, to be abundantly blessed. I know that for a rich man to serve God is a hard thing. However it is still a thing that can be done. Money is just a tool that you use to take care of people, it is a potential blessing, but it is not an end unto itself. I tell you God that I have vowed to take no other Gods before you. If I should even attempt to I would hope that through our relationship you would lead me away. Let me give away all the money I have rather than let it lead me to sin. You are my source. Many things you have promised, and I believe you can deliver.
I'm just so annoyed and tired. I wish I could just end this agony. I wish I could see the day of the Lord in my timing. I wish I could make sense out of this waiting place. I know he wants to build faith in me, but that's what is so frightening. Faith enough for what? If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, what has the Lord called me to face? That I would have to endure 3 years of being completely alone in my waiting. Of no one understanding or seeing what God showed me? I mean, it just makes it SO hard not to doubt him. Or doubt myself. Maybe I heard wrong. I'm not perfect. Yet in faith I believe I heard him verify that this is his plan. *sigh*
I don't know a stinkin thing about anything right now. I guess I'll just wait on his answer, it's not like I have anywhere to go.
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