Full circle

Everything comes full circle. No matter how much I want it not to, here I am again. Puking my guts out because I can't cry...

It's for such a stupid reason. My best friend didn't want to talk to me all weekend. For personal reasons I haven't opened up to my girlfriend about this stuff. The worst part is just now, when I was ready, she went to sleep. I don't know if this moment, or realization will come again or if it will fall away. So I'm here again, putting it all out there for random strangers to read.

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother for five years now. I came in sometime in season 4, and it's been a very personal part of my story. I know it's just a show, but stick with me. When I started watching it I was watching it with my soon to be wife. I wanted her so much to be Lily, and I identified with Marshall. However most of this ride, I've realized Ted's story is my story. I'm a crippling romantic, I keep thinking girls are the one only to find out after a long ride that they aren't. My story isn't finished. But the story on the show, it's winding to a close. He's about to meet the mother. Fact is she seems amazing.

Here is the thing, he meets her at his female best friend's wedding. His female best friend that he's loved all this time, since the start. The greatest love story I've ever heard and the female protagonist is going for another guy. It's Harry Potter all over again. My female best friend doesn't have time for me, I'm losing her. Ted is losing Robin. This is close to home. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that not only will I not get the female protagonist in my story, but I don't even get to keep her in my story. That's hard for me to deal with.

It's hard for me to deal with that everyone that matters to me seems to leave. It's tough to cope with this dry arid place my life has become just goes on and on. What's worse is that the things in my life that made the arid nature easier to cope with are going too. I'm losing my ability to find comfort in porn. Meaningless sex stopped working a year ago. Honestly it never worked for me. Deep down I'm still the man that feels too much. I'm too kind to be careless with hearts like that. That's probably why I haven't opened up to this girl I'm dating who is in love with me. Slowly she's getting to my heart, and there's a chance she'll manage to crack that sucker. Maybe I want her to. I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, and I'm pragmatic enough and traveled enough down this road to know there is a pretty good chance I will. Love is a fickle thing. It takes work. I never thought I'd be the one who needed saving, or the one that doesn't know how to put in the work anymore.

Everyone keeps saying that God is going to show up. I know he is. No matter how angry I am I can't ever forget how much he loves me, or how little I deserve the love I've received so far. Which makes it even harder to accept that he's going to do this thing. I mean how can I come to terms with it? I want it to just happen so I'll have no choice but to accept that his love is way more than I can ever deserve, and to know that I can spend the rest of my life loving him and others trying to be like him. I just want to start the rest of my life with someone, why not with him? Why is it so selfish for me to want security somewhere somehow? Isn't that the idea?