I may have glazed over some things in my earlier post. Those things mostly have to do with suicide. So let's start with the facts on my view of suicide.
1. If you tell people you must convey it as an unfortunate consequence, not as "oh I'm so emotional I'm going to act out." If you are suicidal past 18 act like an adult about it.
2. If the act must be committed in any sort of moral way it should be done with calm planning, weighing of options and consideration. Poor planning produces poor results.
3. If you pretend any form of relationship with God you have to give the decision to him in some way. We must do all things as unto him.
number 3 is what got me. It was a moral loophole I had written into the law to allow me to commit moral suicide. I figured if God was on the side of the decision I would not only be fairly sure not to fail, but the afterlife picture would be a bit better at any rate, perhaps purgatory over hell, that sort of thing.
So I prayed a simple prayer "God if it is your will that I die then let this happen. If you want something else then stop it."
So he stopped it.
I don't need to or want to go into why I wanted to die, or why I still think it's a rational reaction to the facts that God is not entitled to save me, nor may he be inclined to otherwise, by some sort of preconceptions of mercy or grace being motivators to him. If he has motivation it is his own.
So I guess we'll call that a praise report. It's a God report at any rate, because it IS something he did, better or worse.
I will take a moment to brag on my faith, when he did say no (and mind you I gave him some lead time to do that), I didn't stubbornly select the next option for death. One method removed was enough. I got the message, which is not now.
/RANT
Does anyone ever notice those are his favorite words? Always not now. I would like a family, his answer? Not now. Get me out of this cursed place I beg you Lord. Not now. Make this cursed place more comfortable. Not now. UHHGUH!
/RANT
So this leads into another God report. We'll call it that anyway. I told him not to encourage my dreams of wide open spaces or of Denver unless it was real, and the dreams persist. Take that, as you will.
This morning I smelled burning wood like a woodchipper, I thought about how to deal with plant waste on the property. Compost and all that, and how not to let it look trashy. I didn't ASK to think that. I didn't TRY to think about that. It just came to me. The way moments like that have come to me often in the previous months. Could mean something.
I'm getting more help anyway. The folks have revived wanting to help me, now above board and with no guilt attached. Not that I feel much guilt for them helping when they said they would. *sigh*
I find great irony in that God has told me of such humble position things like that I'll change the whole country. Well, if so, more material for my memoirs.
1. If you tell people you must convey it as an unfortunate consequence, not as "oh I'm so emotional I'm going to act out." If you are suicidal past 18 act like an adult about it.
2. If the act must be committed in any sort of moral way it should be done with calm planning, weighing of options and consideration. Poor planning produces poor results.
3. If you pretend any form of relationship with God you have to give the decision to him in some way. We must do all things as unto him.
number 3 is what got me. It was a moral loophole I had written into the law to allow me to commit moral suicide. I figured if God was on the side of the decision I would not only be fairly sure not to fail, but the afterlife picture would be a bit better at any rate, perhaps purgatory over hell, that sort of thing.
So I prayed a simple prayer "God if it is your will that I die then let this happen. If you want something else then stop it."
So he stopped it.
I don't need to or want to go into why I wanted to die, or why I still think it's a rational reaction to the facts that God is not entitled to save me, nor may he be inclined to otherwise, by some sort of preconceptions of mercy or grace being motivators to him. If he has motivation it is his own.
So I guess we'll call that a praise report. It's a God report at any rate, because it IS something he did, better or worse.
I will take a moment to brag on my faith, when he did say no (and mind you I gave him some lead time to do that), I didn't stubbornly select the next option for death. One method removed was enough. I got the message, which is not now.
/RANT
Does anyone ever notice those are his favorite words? Always not now. I would like a family, his answer? Not now. Get me out of this cursed place I beg you Lord. Not now. Make this cursed place more comfortable. Not now. UHHGUH!
/RANT
So this leads into another God report. We'll call it that anyway. I told him not to encourage my dreams of wide open spaces or of Denver unless it was real, and the dreams persist. Take that, as you will.
This morning I smelled burning wood like a woodchipper, I thought about how to deal with plant waste on the property. Compost and all that, and how not to let it look trashy. I didn't ASK to think that. I didn't TRY to think about that. It just came to me. The way moments like that have come to me often in the previous months. Could mean something.
I'm getting more help anyway. The folks have revived wanting to help me, now above board and with no guilt attached. Not that I feel much guilt for them helping when they said they would. *sigh*
I find great irony in that God has told me of such humble position things like that I'll change the whole country. Well, if so, more material for my memoirs.
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