So, I know it doesn't matter to anyone, well apart from God and heaven knows what his perspective is on such things, but I am so FRUSTRATED and angry at my life.
It's just, it would be enough if I just had to deal with the stupid job that I have to do because God called me to it for this season. You know, the verbal abuse, the hours, the just overall suckage of working there. Yes I know suckage isn't a word. Tis now.
Then there is school. Which doesn't outright suck, it's just draining. I get so tired of being not good enough, or struggling with simple logistics. Like today, I couldn't make it to school because of a MASSIVE panic attack.... which is caused by working for a tyrant............
It's just the unending nature of the suffering. I've lifted it up to God and even now I do so...... .but I feel nothing but misery about the whole thing. If he would let me die I'd take him up on that because it seems that is the best anyone else has planned for me. 12 more years I have to deal with the world as it is right now....... *sigh* I just..... wish God would do something.....
it's just so annoying, I feel like I have to do all the work in this stupid relationship. I'm the one that has to endure day after day working for these abusive people. I'm the one that actually reaches out and is kind to the children. I must forgive those that hurt me constantly....... I spend so much of my energy listening to God, trying to follow him. He gave me this huge stupid vision to change the world..... and where are the resources? Why would he call me to these things and leave me in slavery and misery? God only knows...... I'm sure he has some sort of plan........ I just wish the agony would end.
It's just, it would be enough if I just had to deal with the stupid job that I have to do because God called me to it for this season. You know, the verbal abuse, the hours, the just overall suckage of working there. Yes I know suckage isn't a word. Tis now.
Then there is school. Which doesn't outright suck, it's just draining. I get so tired of being not good enough, or struggling with simple logistics. Like today, I couldn't make it to school because of a MASSIVE panic attack.... which is caused by working for a tyrant............
It's just the unending nature of the suffering. I've lifted it up to God and even now I do so...... .but I feel nothing but misery about the whole thing. If he would let me die I'd take him up on that because it seems that is the best anyone else has planned for me. 12 more years I have to deal with the world as it is right now....... *sigh* I just..... wish God would do something.....
it's just so annoying, I feel like I have to do all the work in this stupid relationship. I'm the one that has to endure day after day working for these abusive people. I'm the one that actually reaches out and is kind to the children. I must forgive those that hurt me constantly....... I spend so much of my energy listening to God, trying to follow him. He gave me this huge stupid vision to change the world..... and where are the resources? Why would he call me to these things and leave me in slavery and misery? God only knows...... I'm sure he has some sort of plan........ I just wish the agony would end.
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