I had a very revealing conversation with my girlfriend yesterday. Wow, I never thought I'd be saying THAT one. Anyway, we were talking about why I'm unhappy. I was ranting (if you know me you know this is a pretty standard communication for me when I'm hurt) about how I hated my life. Now, before I go any deeper, let me say that I have a great life. I eat pretty well, I own a nice home, have a sweet girlfriend and a sweet dog. I have a working car, a few bikes, a wonderful gym to work out at, a stunning relationship with God, and a successful career for someone with my background, heck, for someone with any background. I have some of the nicest clothes I've been able to find, and I have some of the best friends. I am TRULY grateful for all I have. I don't want to ever forget that.
That being said, I'm going through a bit of a rough patch in my life. Despite all the wonderful things I have been given, and all the bright future ahead I'm told about, it can be pretty dark here.
I just heard this song this week, and I needed it like a thirsty man needs water:
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As I was saying, it's pretty dark here sometimes. I spend plenty of time alone. Which for me has been the norm for the past three years anyway. Alone is my default, I'm an only child and somewhat prone to isolation. One thing alone time does is it gives you plenty of time to think. I think that's probably why many of us (yes, I am guilty in the past of this) chase relationships that aren't good for us. We just want to not deal with that all critical internal eye that says "you're alone because of x-flaw." Being alone isn't a flaw, not always, but it can take strength. Some days I don't have as much strength as others. I think that's part of the growth process but I'm not sure. I've lost many of my mentors and people I look up to. At the moment my heroes are mostly historical. I try to be like David, hiding in a cave while saul tries to kill him. I try to be like Job, gripping his faith in God with all his might while he's told repeatedly that he deserves his fate. I try to be like the many heroes of history. They didn't become heroes because they were special, or smart, or any of that, though many of them had quality, they were heroes because they didn't give up. I'm not giving up. There, that's you're stirring speech part of my monologue.
I was talking about this conversation I had with my girlfriend (see I remembered!) I was getting ready to say we were talking about how I'm whining about the situation. I've been very upset, and lost, and confused. These must be normal things that go along with loss. I was forced to make a choice, a not fun choice, between my own safety and health, and my job. I don't want to go into the details and I know the company appreciates that I don't. The fact is that it was time for me to leave. As the good book says for everything there is a time and a season.
I loved the work, I was helping people. I was helping my 15 kids (no matter what in my heart I always thought of them that way.) I felt some echo of the joy it must be to be a parent. I felt the pain, and the joy of watching those I cared for succeed. I felt a joy to be a part of something, with great coworkers. I learned so much. I became the best me I have ever been. I felt better about me for being there, and that is the wonder of loving and being loved in return. But things changed. There were always challenges, but the challenges got bigger, and somewhere along the way instead of being loved I started being used. It led to the situation under which I left. But my heart still broke. I miss those snot nosed kids. I miss some of the people I worked with for a long time. They were part of my every day life, and now they aren't.
Which brings me to the theme I've been working on, which is that you can't feel emotional pain without an expectation that things could have gone better. I as much as said this in my conversation earlier this week. I was saying that people in poor countries, or countries with bad economies and bad governments have it way worse when it comes to *pauses to grope for answer* pretty much everything. The food, the emotional situation, the living conditions must be horrible, by our standards. But many of them find ways to be happy. How can this be? Because it was worse. If they can make it better than they consider an acceptable normal then they can find happiness. They say the secret to happiness is low expectations. The fact of the matter is that good things happening to us raise our expectations.
Which leads to my point. I don't want to go live in a poor country, because that isn't my calling. I don't want things to get worse, though I know they can and I know I can and will survive. I'm a tough old bird. I want it better though. I want WAY better, like so much better that the difference between the way I'm living now and the way people in third world countries live will be the difference between the way I live in the future and the way I'm living now. If that makes sense. To quote the good book (Job something or other) "Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be." I want THAT, I've had a taste of that. The only reason I'm unhappy now is that I know I'm not assured THAT level of happiness and comfort. Does any of this resonate? I'm not unhappy because my situation is bad, because I'm living in the top 20% of humanity and will likely never leave that level. I'm unhappy because I'm stuck. I'm unhappy because I know it can be better.
I was afforded growing up a great amount of comfort. I was taught culture, theology and how to be part of a loving family by two of the best parents I was so lucky to be born to. I was taken on cross country trips, given a first rate education, great medical care, all these things because my parents were blessed. I launched out into the adult world thinking this was the normal. I found out I was sorely mistaken. First the job market taught me a few lessons on humility. Then I got married and I learned a few more lessons. I never expected my marriage to end. In my mind divorce was something that happened to other people, like terrorism or being the victim of violent crime. When it fell apart my world fell apart. I know that is because up to that point I had been blessed to live in a world where marriages didn't fall apart. I lived in my parents world, where God, love, honor and commitment solved things. But it takes two people to make a marriage work. Mine didn't, work that is. I felt plenty of pain because of that. The greatest pain was falling out of the beautiful world I had built around myself. Yes there were hardships, but I had a wonderful sweet woman to stand by my side who loved me. I learned that day that people aren't infallible. I learned that no matter how much faith you have, or how much you pray, or how bright your future is, sometimes horrible things happen. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing you or I can do about it. Believe me I've tried. I've tried every dating screening tool I can manage to find a better woman, and discovered that while there are many kind wonderful sweet women, they all make mistakes. I've been miserable, because I remember the joy I felt when I was with Lindsay. I remember how completed and fulfilled I felt. I want to feel it again. Maybe I will someday.
I know there is better out there. This is why I'm upset. You can tell me all day long how it could be worse, and I'll agree with you. It definitely could. But it could be better. Maybe it will be. If God wills it to happen I believe it will. At the moment, I feel pretty screwed up. I don't know how God is going to take this fouled up situation and turn it to his good, I just give him everything. Including this feeling of hopelessness. I give him my finances, my heart, my mind, my future and my past. I give him my life. It says in the good book that he takes everything we give and returns it, but he returns it with abundant amounts more. If you give him your love and your heart he'll teach you to love on a scale you never thought you could. In theory the same applies to finances (we shall see).
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I wish I had a map showing me when he'd show up, but the fact is it could be any time. My friends and family keep saying that God will do his work in his timing. I know that, because his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. I'm still young, and I'm still somewhat impatient. I would like to see him do what he's going to do before I grow middle aged. I really would. He dangles it in front of me some days and honestly it's like holding a hot dog in front of a hungry dog. I get REALLY excited. Then he says "not yet" and I get really down. No one I know seems to get this. It wouldn't kill me so much if I didn't keep having glimpses of what's coming down the pike. You have no idea. I mean I've said some of it on my blog, but not nearly all of it. Some of it is just so big, you're just going to have to see it when it arrives. I'm trying not to give up, but right now I'm not feeling that strong. So I'm just standing and waiting. I feel, I trust, or at least I hope that I won't have to wait much longer for that day.
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