Or why I hate positive thinking. I'm in a sort of loop here, I manage to distract myself. Then it slips away and once again I'm trying to find an answer to what to do about my religious problem.
The biggest answer appears to be "think positive." I have heard this sooooo often from those in the name it and claim it line of faith. They say things like "if you aren't positive then God isn't going to bless you", false. It really centers well on what I detest in Christianity: fakes. What do you call someone who even though they feel like shit pretends it's all ok? I call it a fake.
Now I do keep in mind that God does have it figured out. No matter how bad things get from down here, he's got the big picture. I'm aware of that. It just doesn't mean that down here isn't painful. Just because he knows that he's going to use me almost getting heat stroke later for his kingdom doesn't relieve my parched throat. Just as him allowing me to be chained up may someday lead to kingdom glory, it doesn't change the frustration I feel at being chained up.
I really don't know what I am supposed to try at this point of waiting on him. I've tried being positive and enthusiastic. I've tried being unhappy. I've tried begging. I've tried asking others to pray. I've tried reading scripture. I realize at this point it sounds like I'm listing the things that don't work. This is important: Nothing I do can MAKE him move. He will move when it is his time to move, no sooner and no later.
I'm just.... antsy. I try to play games.... no pleasure. I can't smoke... I try to daydream... NOTHIN! Reading, music, even prayer all turns up an empty feeling that swallows my soul.
I don't know. The deep passionately clingy part of my soul says :"maybe that means it's time for him to move." Maybe! If so it would be the greatest relief I could imagine.
It's like an itch I can't scratch, and I know that chances are he can. *sigh* So maybe now is the time. I know this; waiting without a good preoccupation is even more agony. I thought at least I could throw myself into work and hobbies.... but no. It isn't so. Nothing satisfies. I just want to go home, where my heart longs to be.
The biggest answer appears to be "think positive." I have heard this sooooo often from those in the name it and claim it line of faith. They say things like "if you aren't positive then God isn't going to bless you", false. It really centers well on what I detest in Christianity: fakes. What do you call someone who even though they feel like shit pretends it's all ok? I call it a fake.
Now I do keep in mind that God does have it figured out. No matter how bad things get from down here, he's got the big picture. I'm aware of that. It just doesn't mean that down here isn't painful. Just because he knows that he's going to use me almost getting heat stroke later for his kingdom doesn't relieve my parched throat. Just as him allowing me to be chained up may someday lead to kingdom glory, it doesn't change the frustration I feel at being chained up.
I really don't know what I am supposed to try at this point of waiting on him. I've tried being positive and enthusiastic. I've tried being unhappy. I've tried begging. I've tried asking others to pray. I've tried reading scripture. I realize at this point it sounds like I'm listing the things that don't work. This is important: Nothing I do can MAKE him move. He will move when it is his time to move, no sooner and no later.
I'm just.... antsy. I try to play games.... no pleasure. I can't smoke... I try to daydream... NOTHIN! Reading, music, even prayer all turns up an empty feeling that swallows my soul.
I don't know. The deep passionately clingy part of my soul says :"maybe that means it's time for him to move." Maybe! If so it would be the greatest relief I could imagine.
It's like an itch I can't scratch, and I know that chances are he can. *sigh* So maybe now is the time. I know this; waiting without a good preoccupation is even more agony. I thought at least I could throw myself into work and hobbies.... but no. It isn't so. Nothing satisfies. I just want to go home, where my heart longs to be.
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