Some things God is by nature.
He is by his very nature loving. He is correct, it is a fact of who he is. He's all knowing and all seeing. He does everything on purpose, on time, and with the best reasoning that exists. It isn't that he CHOOSES to act this way, it's part of who he is. He could no more be unloving or wrong than a deep sea fish could fly to the sun and back.
What I am stuck between is the facts of his existence and the facts of my own. I am by nature less than perfect. I am also by nature of who I am loyal, my love for him is also part of those things I just am. I am honorable, it's a defining quality. I could no more go against my word than God be wrong.
By my word and my agreement I belong to him. I am loyal to those I am bound to so I can't leave. At the same time my desires seem..... how do I put this?
In this moment, in my current sadness, he is currently not delivering me. He has not yet done any more than pull me back up.
I have to be very careful how I describe it. His plan isn't something I have a full understanding of. In fact... at the moment I feel I could not be farther from grasping what he has planned for me. I won't say that he isn't going to do this or that... or for that matter that he will do this or that. To suppose that would be to say I understand, and I don't. I will say he's going to do something, because I have faith in him. He will respond on some level, even if no one SEES what it is. Even if I was dead, the response is coming.
I'm just.... frustrated is too light to describe the total despair of the soul that I don't just have inside me, I live inside it. It's like..... my life is presently in an orbit about some sort of black hole. It seems to me that I am being pulled back to a semi stable orbit, but I am not in a place where light breaks through. It would appear that light doesn't exist, but that isn't what's going on, it's just all getting sucked into the huge force about which I am stuck. There is brightness out there in the universe, just because I'm stuck here doesn't mean I'm not aware there are other ways for it to be. I would LIKE for God to take me to a better location. There are conflicting opinions as to whether he will. He doesn't have to. My mind, my body, even my emotions could be completely wiped out, my soul is what he wants and he'll take care of that.
So what can I say? I have stupid stuff to take care of so I don't get to do anything about it myself.
My only hope is him, and let me tell you..... it's the most frightening thing in my life. This is the same guy who said "it will be okay" before my divorce. He said things would get better at multiple points. So we must deal with one of two options. One: perhaps better means something different to him. Two: whatever he was talking about hasn't happened yet. Of course I prefer two. It isn't even a lack of faith, or lack of love for him. It's a lack of HOPE. It's that I've been waiting so long that I don't know what I'm even waiting for.
Until then, I'm between my loyalty and his unfailing correctness. I couldn't wriggle out even if I wanted to, which I don't.
He is by his very nature loving. He is correct, it is a fact of who he is. He's all knowing and all seeing. He does everything on purpose, on time, and with the best reasoning that exists. It isn't that he CHOOSES to act this way, it's part of who he is. He could no more be unloving or wrong than a deep sea fish could fly to the sun and back.
What I am stuck between is the facts of his existence and the facts of my own. I am by nature less than perfect. I am also by nature of who I am loyal, my love for him is also part of those things I just am. I am honorable, it's a defining quality. I could no more go against my word than God be wrong.
By my word and my agreement I belong to him. I am loyal to those I am bound to so I can't leave. At the same time my desires seem..... how do I put this?
In this moment, in my current sadness, he is currently not delivering me. He has not yet done any more than pull me back up.
I have to be very careful how I describe it. His plan isn't something I have a full understanding of. In fact... at the moment I feel I could not be farther from grasping what he has planned for me. I won't say that he isn't going to do this or that... or for that matter that he will do this or that. To suppose that would be to say I understand, and I don't. I will say he's going to do something, because I have faith in him. He will respond on some level, even if no one SEES what it is. Even if I was dead, the response is coming.
I'm just.... frustrated is too light to describe the total despair of the soul that I don't just have inside me, I live inside it. It's like..... my life is presently in an orbit about some sort of black hole. It seems to me that I am being pulled back to a semi stable orbit, but I am not in a place where light breaks through. It would appear that light doesn't exist, but that isn't what's going on, it's just all getting sucked into the huge force about which I am stuck. There is brightness out there in the universe, just because I'm stuck here doesn't mean I'm not aware there are other ways for it to be. I would LIKE for God to take me to a better location. There are conflicting opinions as to whether he will. He doesn't have to. My mind, my body, even my emotions could be completely wiped out, my soul is what he wants and he'll take care of that.
So what can I say? I have stupid stuff to take care of so I don't get to do anything about it myself.
My only hope is him, and let me tell you..... it's the most frightening thing in my life. This is the same guy who said "it will be okay" before my divorce. He said things would get better at multiple points. So we must deal with one of two options. One: perhaps better means something different to him. Two: whatever he was talking about hasn't happened yet. Of course I prefer two. It isn't even a lack of faith, or lack of love for him. It's a lack of HOPE. It's that I've been waiting so long that I don't know what I'm even waiting for.
Until then, I'm between my loyalty and his unfailing correctness. I couldn't wriggle out even if I wanted to, which I don't.
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