I feel compelled to discuss what happened today. The primary drive is that I don't like setting up a legitimate challenge to the faith without allowing God to have his say in things. Credit where it is due there are times he is very prompt (that being said when it comes to other things you could code an operating system before he completes them.) Which is more interesting considering that the work is the same in emergency/high stress situations as with low intensity/long term requests. Further it must be noted that the time to him is exactly the same. As it says "for him a day is as 1000 years, and 1000 years are as a day."
So last night I was dealing with a panic attack... for multiple reasons. The biggest was that I was physically weakened and it doesn't take much stress to overload a tired system. Self care is the first step of anxiety management, and it is almost always the source of either strength or disaster.
I spent 3 hours typing out a complete and cogent explanation of the issues I have/had with the God/servant dynamic. After that I realized I was getting myself more and more worked up, to no positive result. I am by nature a bit hot headed, but frugal also. Tonight for example frugal is overriding hot headed. By frugal I mean I don't want to spend the energy getting upset. Things are still wrong (oh yes!) but God has a hand on most of it already, and the rest he will... sooner or later.
I woke up still a bit anxious, that's what happens when I go to bed after an attack. Worse the meds only lengthen the attack, they don't end it. I had made the dual error of taking the meds (I should have been strong and dealt with my feelings), and having a beer. Neither helped anything, I see that now. Not that I have a drinking problem. If I were going to give something up.... it wouldn't be that.
So I read scripture, not knowing what else to do. The scripture reading (most of it involving live praying particularly applicable psalms) led me right back to where I left off: The paradox of humility vs pride. King David, if you didn't know, was a HUGE believer in a God who not only is tuned into our personal interests, his perspective is particularly revenge focused.
I'll complete my philosophy development then finish telling about my day. The ongoing discussion with every scripture always drifts back to the nature of the source. To convert the Bible into a cogent philosophy I have divided scripture into categories:
Word of God
When there is documented evidence that God personally spoke. These are very few! This category is ultimately infallible (as much as a rational number like infinity makes sense in mathmatics).
Prophesy
When God spoke through a prophet. There are some areas that float between the above category and this one. Prophesy is often metaphorical, circumstantial, or even not completely right. The more human involvement the worse in terms of theology. However prophesy must be taken fairly seriously if only because God took the time to touch someone's heart with a vision of the future. It isn't always circumstance based either. That being said it can drift into the below category.
Circumstantial, cultural and personal histories and messages
Whenever God does something that sounds odd, it is likely a special reaction to a certain situation. It could also be a tool that the priests used to preserve their culture. We must face the fact that humans stretch the truth when it makes a good story. We must also be aware of our own human nature to insert ourselves into the story. Just because God acted a certain way in a past situation doesn't mean he will now. That isn't how he works. For example I highly doubt that God would completely raze a city to the ground and kill every living thing for miles again. Not without a pretty spectacular reason. So just because David called on God during a war with the philistines two to three thousand years ago doesn't mean God is going to take sides in our wars.
Philosophy
This is plain and simple philosophy. Pretty much everything Paul ever says is philosophy. Much of old testament law is philosophy. Understand that my point of view is: If it isn't about God then it isn't of direct effect to the faith of all. It took me many years to realize why I disliked Paul until I discovered that he told people what they SHOULD do, not what they must do. He also directed many of his comments directly at certain groups, see above.
Histories and messages that establish the character of God
Finally there are many segments of history and messages of many types that show us what type of God we are dealing with. The Bible for much of it's history has been used to explain God to those who haven't had intimate knowledge of him. Further even the long faithful can find wisdom and comfort in seeing how God has behaved in the past. God is the same from age to age. Just because we don't hear about documented miracles doesn't mean the world is lacking in them. Dividing the circumstantial from what defines who he is isn't easy. I'm not even certain it is right. However it is efficient.
So David is an interesting character when it comes to developing a realistic understanding of who God is. We cannot deny his signifigance. The bloodline goes from Adam to David, then David to Jesus. I don't have time or space to go into all the ramifications of the life of David. To summerize he is one of the few in pre-Christ times to know God on a personal level. David and I share something few Christians share with me; We will rip God a new one if we are in pain or upset. I can't preach on right or wrong in regards to this practice, but it works for me. Not everyone can pray with eyes open or while walking around, spirituality is personal.
So sharing that with David means I can read many psalms of David out loud and in my own voice. These psalms are not dry rehearsed prayers, they are living proof that a man following God has felt this way before. Further a man following God has gotten results from talking to God this way. Most of these psalms were written on the run, either from Saul or his son. Further proof that God does in fact have an active role to play in the life of the hurt and depressed. Solomon and David both had major depression for long periods.
David can somehow say at the same time that he hurts beyond any hurting he has before, yet God will deliver. This is my goal in faith. I hope it shows that though I rail against the gaps between men and him, I love him deeply. Actually I love very few enough that I can be so upset by them. God has the top slot in my heart, therefor when I am far from him it hurts me deeply. I cease to function without him and would cease to be without his purpose in me.
It took me many years to realize that giving my life to him totally meant that he was the only one safe to do so with. Our culture likes to romanticize giving our loved ones our whole hearts. This is risky for non-believers, it may be a relationship killer to believers. If God senses that you are putting something ahead of him he can and will destroy your idol. When I pray that he keeps me pure he is destroying things that try to pull ahead of him.
I have forwarded the idea that it is possible he killed my marriage (or allowed it to die) out of spite towards one I loved totally that was not him. There were other problems in my faith that my trial by fire and divorce pulled away from me.
David said directly (in multiple passages) that God desires to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Which if you read last nights rants was the subject of debate. I countered that did he not say that he sets out to lay low the prideful? He of course reminded me that Christ also said the whole ask and it will be answered spiel.
Which brought it all down to humility. When my identity broke and reformed I developed new ideas about what pride was. Now I am not going to deny pride is a stumbling block. Arrogance, hubris and self worship are temptations to everyone. Yet I had to find a way to care for myself without believing that humility should be sought over the care of self. For if God did not want me to care for self I wouldn't.
What it all came down to was when Christ was asked by the young scholar what the greatest commandment was. Christ said "Love your God with all your heart, body and soul." Then he was asked what the second greatest commandment was. He said "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Which is my point, if you do not love yourself how can you love your neighbor? Aren't I a person God cares for, and therefor shouldn't I care for me? Further if God desires us to treat our neighbor well it follows that he wants us to do well for ourselves.
Which shuts the door on it as far as I can tell. The words of God directly say this is an important message. If God is concerned that we care for ourselves then he is concerned with the desires of our heart. He wants us to be humble, and I don't know that I will ever stop struggling with the balance.
The rest of my day. I got to the office and was allowed to update my gear, which was a HUGE blessing.
Then I had a conversation late in the day about God's tendency to pull back after delivering me from danger. I told him that just because today's problem was resolved that didn't mean I didn't need him anymore. I explained with both emotion and logic that just because I rely on him doesn't mean I need to be in danger regularly to appreciate him. Further if Christian life is to be sought by the non believer, it must be of improved nature. I'm not saying God needs to make everyone rich! I'm saying that God needs to provide not just our base needs but think wider. Living day to day isn't really living, it's surviving. Survive too long and the value of life is lost.
The Bible says that relying on God was building a house on strong foundations, where as going it alone was like building a house on sand. If he is to be a strong foundation then stability must increase. Things have to get better from the cold logic that creation and good create peace while evil destroys.
On my drive home I got rear ended in a hit and run. I then spent over an hour waiting for my boss and police to arrive. Then another hour getting drug tested. That was my day. Blessing, deliverance and then it ended with attack. Which I'm now wondering whether is more an agent of evil that it seeks to attack me as I try to draw close to God. I doubt very much God wanted me hit on the way home from work. It came at the worst possible time, when I was on the last and easiest leg of my journey.
Things are well so far however. I earned extra cash for staying late. I was given praise for my work and care towards proper procedure. I got home safe.
I may have a conclusion one of these days to my saga of waiting. Perhaps I will bind a book of the journey. "Road to Nirvana" has a nice ring to it, or perhaps "On the way to Enlightenment", "Losing myself and finding who I intended to be" "Without a chance: Finding meaning in chaos and God's plan in
So last night I was dealing with a panic attack... for multiple reasons. The biggest was that I was physically weakened and it doesn't take much stress to overload a tired system. Self care is the first step of anxiety management, and it is almost always the source of either strength or disaster.
I spent 3 hours typing out a complete and cogent explanation of the issues I have/had with the God/servant dynamic. After that I realized I was getting myself more and more worked up, to no positive result. I am by nature a bit hot headed, but frugal also. Tonight for example frugal is overriding hot headed. By frugal I mean I don't want to spend the energy getting upset. Things are still wrong (oh yes!) but God has a hand on most of it already, and the rest he will... sooner or later.
I woke up still a bit anxious, that's what happens when I go to bed after an attack. Worse the meds only lengthen the attack, they don't end it. I had made the dual error of taking the meds (I should have been strong and dealt with my feelings), and having a beer. Neither helped anything, I see that now. Not that I have a drinking problem. If I were going to give something up.... it wouldn't be that.
So I read scripture, not knowing what else to do. The scripture reading (most of it involving live praying particularly applicable psalms) led me right back to where I left off: The paradox of humility vs pride. King David, if you didn't know, was a HUGE believer in a God who not only is tuned into our personal interests, his perspective is particularly revenge focused.
I'll complete my philosophy development then finish telling about my day. The ongoing discussion with every scripture always drifts back to the nature of the source. To convert the Bible into a cogent philosophy I have divided scripture into categories:
Word of God
When there is documented evidence that God personally spoke. These are very few! This category is ultimately infallible (as much as a rational number like infinity makes sense in mathmatics).
Prophesy
When God spoke through a prophet. There are some areas that float between the above category and this one. Prophesy is often metaphorical, circumstantial, or even not completely right. The more human involvement the worse in terms of theology. However prophesy must be taken fairly seriously if only because God took the time to touch someone's heart with a vision of the future. It isn't always circumstance based either. That being said it can drift into the below category.
Circumstantial, cultural and personal histories and messages
Whenever God does something that sounds odd, it is likely a special reaction to a certain situation. It could also be a tool that the priests used to preserve their culture. We must face the fact that humans stretch the truth when it makes a good story. We must also be aware of our own human nature to insert ourselves into the story. Just because God acted a certain way in a past situation doesn't mean he will now. That isn't how he works. For example I highly doubt that God would completely raze a city to the ground and kill every living thing for miles again. Not without a pretty spectacular reason. So just because David called on God during a war with the philistines two to three thousand years ago doesn't mean God is going to take sides in our wars.
Philosophy
This is plain and simple philosophy. Pretty much everything Paul ever says is philosophy. Much of old testament law is philosophy. Understand that my point of view is: If it isn't about God then it isn't of direct effect to the faith of all. It took me many years to realize why I disliked Paul until I discovered that he told people what they SHOULD do, not what they must do. He also directed many of his comments directly at certain groups, see above.
Histories and messages that establish the character of God
Finally there are many segments of history and messages of many types that show us what type of God we are dealing with. The Bible for much of it's history has been used to explain God to those who haven't had intimate knowledge of him. Further even the long faithful can find wisdom and comfort in seeing how God has behaved in the past. God is the same from age to age. Just because we don't hear about documented miracles doesn't mean the world is lacking in them. Dividing the circumstantial from what defines who he is isn't easy. I'm not even certain it is right. However it is efficient.
So David is an interesting character when it comes to developing a realistic understanding of who God is. We cannot deny his signifigance. The bloodline goes from Adam to David, then David to Jesus. I don't have time or space to go into all the ramifications of the life of David. To summerize he is one of the few in pre-Christ times to know God on a personal level. David and I share something few Christians share with me; We will rip God a new one if we are in pain or upset. I can't preach on right or wrong in regards to this practice, but it works for me. Not everyone can pray with eyes open or while walking around, spirituality is personal.
So sharing that with David means I can read many psalms of David out loud and in my own voice. These psalms are not dry rehearsed prayers, they are living proof that a man following God has felt this way before. Further a man following God has gotten results from talking to God this way. Most of these psalms were written on the run, either from Saul or his son. Further proof that God does in fact have an active role to play in the life of the hurt and depressed. Solomon and David both had major depression for long periods.
David can somehow say at the same time that he hurts beyond any hurting he has before, yet God will deliver. This is my goal in faith. I hope it shows that though I rail against the gaps between men and him, I love him deeply. Actually I love very few enough that I can be so upset by them. God has the top slot in my heart, therefor when I am far from him it hurts me deeply. I cease to function without him and would cease to be without his purpose in me.
It took me many years to realize that giving my life to him totally meant that he was the only one safe to do so with. Our culture likes to romanticize giving our loved ones our whole hearts. This is risky for non-believers, it may be a relationship killer to believers. If God senses that you are putting something ahead of him he can and will destroy your idol. When I pray that he keeps me pure he is destroying things that try to pull ahead of him.
I have forwarded the idea that it is possible he killed my marriage (or allowed it to die) out of spite towards one I loved totally that was not him. There were other problems in my faith that my trial by fire and divorce pulled away from me.
David said directly (in multiple passages) that God desires to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Which if you read last nights rants was the subject of debate. I countered that did he not say that he sets out to lay low the prideful? He of course reminded me that Christ also said the whole ask and it will be answered spiel.
Which brought it all down to humility. When my identity broke and reformed I developed new ideas about what pride was. Now I am not going to deny pride is a stumbling block. Arrogance, hubris and self worship are temptations to everyone. Yet I had to find a way to care for myself without believing that humility should be sought over the care of self. For if God did not want me to care for self I wouldn't.
What it all came down to was when Christ was asked by the young scholar what the greatest commandment was. Christ said "Love your God with all your heart, body and soul." Then he was asked what the second greatest commandment was. He said "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Which is my point, if you do not love yourself how can you love your neighbor? Aren't I a person God cares for, and therefor shouldn't I care for me? Further if God desires us to treat our neighbor well it follows that he wants us to do well for ourselves.
Which shuts the door on it as far as I can tell. The words of God directly say this is an important message. If God is concerned that we care for ourselves then he is concerned with the desires of our heart. He wants us to be humble, and I don't know that I will ever stop struggling with the balance.
The rest of my day. I got to the office and was allowed to update my gear, which was a HUGE blessing.
Then I had a conversation late in the day about God's tendency to pull back after delivering me from danger. I told him that just because today's problem was resolved that didn't mean I didn't need him anymore. I explained with both emotion and logic that just because I rely on him doesn't mean I need to be in danger regularly to appreciate him. Further if Christian life is to be sought by the non believer, it must be of improved nature. I'm not saying God needs to make everyone rich! I'm saying that God needs to provide not just our base needs but think wider. Living day to day isn't really living, it's surviving. Survive too long and the value of life is lost.
The Bible says that relying on God was building a house on strong foundations, where as going it alone was like building a house on sand. If he is to be a strong foundation then stability must increase. Things have to get better from the cold logic that creation and good create peace while evil destroys.
On my drive home I got rear ended in a hit and run. I then spent over an hour waiting for my boss and police to arrive. Then another hour getting drug tested. That was my day. Blessing, deliverance and then it ended with attack. Which I'm now wondering whether is more an agent of evil that it seeks to attack me as I try to draw close to God. I doubt very much God wanted me hit on the way home from work. It came at the worst possible time, when I was on the last and easiest leg of my journey.
Things are well so far however. I earned extra cash for staying late. I was given praise for my work and care towards proper procedure. I got home safe.
I may have a conclusion one of these days to my saga of waiting. Perhaps I will bind a book of the journey. "Road to Nirvana" has a nice ring to it, or perhaps "On the way to Enlightenment", "Losing myself and finding who I intended to be" "Without a chance: Finding meaning in chaos and God's plan in
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