I first became truly disappointed in christianity in 6th grade. I was going to a christian school and it just reinforced everything I had learned to detest in christianity. Somewhere in that crisis I found out: my relationship with God and my relationship with other christians aren't necessarily directly related.
So for over ten years I've been seeking him on my own, through the bible, through books, prayer and doing projects he sends me on.
But now here I am 27 years old and I'm starting to realize that I'm disappointed with more than just the run of the mill christian, I have problems with the whole faith. I'm becoming disappointed in God.
The biggest problem is the answers I've been finding. There seems to be two responses to "God isn't taking care of me".
1. God's got this handled, you don't see it. This suffering is PART of the plan, he's going to do some awesome shit, just keep following him.
2. You need to realign your will with his. Ask the right questions.
Neither one scratches the itch. I'll admit, I believe the first one more often. But there are dark moments when I start to think that maybe he is more like the second one.
Because I've been waiting for answers for some time. Of course there is the standard bs that he has a different conception of time than us. To me that sounds like an excuse for lack of empathy... or maybe I'm making him into a straw man. I have no idea what the right emotion to feel is, but it probably isn't anger. Then I feel guilty that I'm angry at his perfect plan, which leads to depression.
I also don't know how I would realign my will to his. I'm generally aware of the process, that God makes you stop wanting what you did before and start being into his stuff... it isn't that simple. I have a mind, and I LIKE having a mind. I like the act of faith being submitting to his will, not that I was already thinking whatever he wanted to put into my head. I'll admit being a little suicidal lately, but I'm not identity death suicidal. I don't want some new person who is nothing like me taking over my body. The Max I know? He's pretty loving, and that's pretty much the extent of his God-ish qualities. He's also sarcastic, has big ideas, likes to try and think of things other people haven't. He's a headstrong and difficult man. How can I change him? I tried once, and it nearly killed him. Him being me. I don't know how to change into something I'm not. I'm willing to let him change me. I'm willing to follow his will. I just have no CLUE what that is. Apart that it apparently involves a couple years in real life purgatory. Maybe a lifetime! His will be done, not mine. He is able to keep me just sane enough not to die, so he can wait a LONG time. Longer than me. I have nothing to hold over him, he gets to just sit by and watch, relieving temporary pain and allowing deeper pain to fester.
I don't know anyone else who is this disappointed with him and still with him. Frankly it's biblical levels of faith, like David in the wilderness kind of faith. Without the promise of a happy ending.
Where are you Lord? Do I matter to you?
So for over ten years I've been seeking him on my own, through the bible, through books, prayer and doing projects he sends me on.
But now here I am 27 years old and I'm starting to realize that I'm disappointed with more than just the run of the mill christian, I have problems with the whole faith. I'm becoming disappointed in God.
The biggest problem is the answers I've been finding. There seems to be two responses to "God isn't taking care of me".
1. God's got this handled, you don't see it. This suffering is PART of the plan, he's going to do some awesome shit, just keep following him.
2. You need to realign your will with his. Ask the right questions.
Neither one scratches the itch. I'll admit, I believe the first one more often. But there are dark moments when I start to think that maybe he is more like the second one.
Because I've been waiting for answers for some time. Of course there is the standard bs that he has a different conception of time than us. To me that sounds like an excuse for lack of empathy... or maybe I'm making him into a straw man. I have no idea what the right emotion to feel is, but it probably isn't anger. Then I feel guilty that I'm angry at his perfect plan, which leads to depression.
I also don't know how I would realign my will to his. I'm generally aware of the process, that God makes you stop wanting what you did before and start being into his stuff... it isn't that simple. I have a mind, and I LIKE having a mind. I like the act of faith being submitting to his will, not that I was already thinking whatever he wanted to put into my head. I'll admit being a little suicidal lately, but I'm not identity death suicidal. I don't want some new person who is nothing like me taking over my body. The Max I know? He's pretty loving, and that's pretty much the extent of his God-ish qualities. He's also sarcastic, has big ideas, likes to try and think of things other people haven't. He's a headstrong and difficult man. How can I change him? I tried once, and it nearly killed him. Him being me. I don't know how to change into something I'm not. I'm willing to let him change me. I'm willing to follow his will. I just have no CLUE what that is. Apart that it apparently involves a couple years in real life purgatory. Maybe a lifetime! His will be done, not mine. He is able to keep me just sane enough not to die, so he can wait a LONG time. Longer than me. I have nothing to hold over him, he gets to just sit by and watch, relieving temporary pain and allowing deeper pain to fester.
I don't know anyone else who is this disappointed with him and still with him. Frankly it's biblical levels of faith, like David in the wilderness kind of faith. Without the promise of a happy ending.
Where are you Lord? Do I matter to you?
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