Last night I once again prayed about the Titan. Just for a sign, an urging, anything. I thought I heard "tommorow is the day". Here we are at 11 pm on "the day"... I'm not barring any act of god in the remaining 75 minutes, it's just at this point I have to wonder if what I heard was really God.
My long standing back up explanation for the whole Titan vision has been my ego. My ego is huge, my ego likes complimenting me by saying I'm set apart, special. The Titan vision, in short, strokes the parts of my ego that like being stroked.
Which of course isn't to say it isn't of God.
What I'm saying is.... I don't know for sure what I heard anymore.
The biggest flaw in our current communication is that He hears me clearly, I have to decode or somehow tell his voice apart from the normal background noise in my head.
The logical solution is also the spiritual solution.
If instructions don't make sense, if I can't figure out new instructions from what I know, I have to revert back to what I know and make a new map based on that information.
Incidentally as I write this record I may be praying some or all of it. Just because you can read it doesn't mean you are the audience. I'm recording here because this record lasts, and also because I find something soothing in sharing my journey with observers.
I'll start at the beginning. I am not saying that I am denying God's ability, his will, or his actions in progress. I am in fact trying very hard not to interrupt whatever work he is doing outside of me.
I can't help but interrupt what is going on in my heart.
Working only from what I know(basic spiritual reboot):
God loves me.
God cannot harm me, do wrong, or influence others to do harm.
Important tasks start with loving God first. Second is loving my neighbor as myself.
God has gotten me out of a number of tight spots. He has personally interacted not only with me but with my observable environment.
God has provided in the past, he will again.
God loves me for me.
God listens to what I ask him about and responds.
God cares about my well being.
The last time I was truly sure I was in his path was working at Shadow Mountain. Things just seemed to work out there. I was blessed to be used by God to help people. Then the time came for that to end. I'm reasonably certain the door was closed.
So that's where I'm at.... I guess I had hoped some enlightenment would come from reviewing the facts. The problem is that my long term plan apart from to chase this dream has been a little vague. When I was married to Lindsay I just wanted to be well off(not broke) and have some kids. Then that got destroyed. I went through a long period of waiting to die or for God to show up, neither happened and I moved on. During that period I had the aforementioned vision. I've just... always hung my hat on that either I would die or God would come around with something better.
Now it appears that I'm not going to die. It also appears that I may have misheard something along the way.
I just don't know how to function in this..... particular reality. I had hoped I could escape. As much as I pretend to be strong, it has been my belief for some time that the ideal environment for my personality to survive is in near vacuum. It allows me to get hungry for knowledge, be creative, but not be forced to conform.
So I'm left with a few options. I can stay to my current path and eventually be beaten into submission, or I can find another way out.
Again, working logically out from the last thing I knew. Yet... I just don't know what my purpose is. My desire is to be productive, creative, and ensure the survival of my line, with minimal pain. *sigh* that's what I've got for the day. I'm sure more will come. When I get clear instructions I'm going to record them.
My long standing back up explanation for the whole Titan vision has been my ego. My ego is huge, my ego likes complimenting me by saying I'm set apart, special. The Titan vision, in short, strokes the parts of my ego that like being stroked.
Which of course isn't to say it isn't of God.
What I'm saying is.... I don't know for sure what I heard anymore.
The biggest flaw in our current communication is that He hears me clearly, I have to decode or somehow tell his voice apart from the normal background noise in my head.
The logical solution is also the spiritual solution.
If instructions don't make sense, if I can't figure out new instructions from what I know, I have to revert back to what I know and make a new map based on that information.
Incidentally as I write this record I may be praying some or all of it. Just because you can read it doesn't mean you are the audience. I'm recording here because this record lasts, and also because I find something soothing in sharing my journey with observers.
I'll start at the beginning. I am not saying that I am denying God's ability, his will, or his actions in progress. I am in fact trying very hard not to interrupt whatever work he is doing outside of me.
I can't help but interrupt what is going on in my heart.
Working only from what I know(basic spiritual reboot):
God loves me.
God cannot harm me, do wrong, or influence others to do harm.
Important tasks start with loving God first. Second is loving my neighbor as myself.
God has gotten me out of a number of tight spots. He has personally interacted not only with me but with my observable environment.
God has provided in the past, he will again.
God loves me for me.
God listens to what I ask him about and responds.
God cares about my well being.
The last time I was truly sure I was in his path was working at Shadow Mountain. Things just seemed to work out there. I was blessed to be used by God to help people. Then the time came for that to end. I'm reasonably certain the door was closed.
So that's where I'm at.... I guess I had hoped some enlightenment would come from reviewing the facts. The problem is that my long term plan apart from to chase this dream has been a little vague. When I was married to Lindsay I just wanted to be well off(not broke) and have some kids. Then that got destroyed. I went through a long period of waiting to die or for God to show up, neither happened and I moved on. During that period I had the aforementioned vision. I've just... always hung my hat on that either I would die or God would come around with something better.
Now it appears that I'm not going to die. It also appears that I may have misheard something along the way.
I just don't know how to function in this..... particular reality. I had hoped I could escape. As much as I pretend to be strong, it has been my belief for some time that the ideal environment for my personality to survive is in near vacuum. It allows me to get hungry for knowledge, be creative, but not be forced to conform.
So I'm left with a few options. I can stay to my current path and eventually be beaten into submission, or I can find another way out.
Again, working logically out from the last thing I knew. Yet... I just don't know what my purpose is. My desire is to be productive, creative, and ensure the survival of my line, with minimal pain. *sigh* that's what I've got for the day. I'm sure more will come. When I get clear instructions I'm going to record them.
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