nothing

I feel nothing. It's just to the point that I have nothing left to feel. I don't even damn deserve to feel. I've begged. I've asked. I've searched for spiritual and practical solutions. I'm not saying God doesn't have this taken care of. I'm saying my heart is grieved to the point of despair. I'm saying that if there is such a thing as perfect timing God and I have different understanding of the word "perfect". Which is to point out that if it was God's personal body, I don't think he would neglect it to the point of people wondering if it had worth at all. If it was God's personal life... I just don't see how any holy being could live in a vessel so hopeless, so forsaken, so alone. I'm not looking for pity, it's past that. It's the point that poverty is a sickness with a clear cure, and a cure that seems not in the plan of the almighty. Not today. Because we know the almighty is capable. We know he loves us. So neither of those is the issue. The issue is obviously that I expected that those two things meant something measurable in the real world. Perhaps it does, but not today.
Today I just want to know when poverty and hopelessness is bad enough we can call it a lost cause and move on. If I'm not worth investing in that's fine, let me die then. Let me go if there isn't any gain in caring for me. I certainly don't see anything personal in that. If I'm not worth it, that's just math. There must be others more worthy of what little I have. Wouldn't it be mercy enough to let me go? Doesn't he have the grace to allow me to pass on? I don't know. I'm not a theologian. I'm just a grunt waiting for orders, orders that probably won't ever come.