Absurd

To which point I must finally reach. When God says no it may very well lead directly to the absurd reasoning.

My feeling explained like this:

I had a dream, in this dream I was a soldier in an unending war. I did not remember signing up. Yet I kept getting sent on tour of duty after tour of duty. I cried, I begged for discharge, and I wasn't given it. Yet I prepared for my upcoming tour diligently, I must be the best soldier I might yet be.

So it is. I am stuck. I don't remember signing up for this. It is quite possible that this is God's sublime plan. Reference verse: II Cor. 12:7-9 “Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

If God was thus to his servant Paul, is it such a stretch to believe he would behave thus towards me. As previously stated God is not compelled to relieve our pain. He can subsist in it, in fact he can leave it in place as a way of humbling us. Therefor one can easily suppose that in the grand plan there is a place for my pain. To humble me, to make me as nothing, so that his greatness increase. Though I wish unending for an end. Though the suffering itself becomes absurd.

I am to push the rock up the hill again. Yep, I don't want to. Yes, I admit yet again that things would make more sense had I not this impossible task. I'm not the one in charge though. I'm just the soldier. God, he is the general. I will be judged by my faithfulness. So even though he does not satisfy me in the least, I may please him by repeating the same painful climb. I really do have no idea how I might please him.

Really, his pleasure seems so removed from might to the point that I cannot understand how such a being derives pleasure. I cannot understand in my limited way how such a being could love such a one as me. I'm hopeless. He was all the hope allowed to me. If he does not relieve me, what hope is left? All that is left in me is desire to end.  Yet he says it is not to be. How can such a one as he care for me and yet be so indifferent to my desires. I can understand how he could decide to not relieve me by removing my pain in this life, yet I cannot understand why he would be so unmerciful as to force me to continue.

Why would he want me to go into battle after battle, me fated to lose. In what way am I his servant if he does not need me. Perhaps he may love me and not like me. I must meditate more on the nature of my poor understanding and his glorified reasoning.