First off, I'm aware I'm already behind on my recovery blog, and I'll see what I can do. Further in I believe you will have all the answer you need as to why.
I don't know why I am under the impression that hard work, faith in god, or reasonable intelligence have any bearing on my ability to cope or handle my life. Really, I have NO EARTHLY CLUE. Oh wait, I do. I think that hard work pays off because I have to rationalize my work ethic somehow, I've seen others fired for slacking off, and in the past have had near misses because of my own occasional laziness. So I live day to day believing that hard work matters when it does not improve things in the slightest if I work hard. I can bust my ass all day long and my boss doesn't notice (apart from no negative consequences), my fiance still expects me to come home and fix things, my family still thinks I should work more overtime, and shortly I find myself run down.
I think that reasonable intelligence will fix things because it does, just not everything. It streamlines hard projects. It improves the state of equipment (with the exception of the human body). For some people (not me) it improves their earning potential. I don't know why my brain power is insufficient to supply me with sufficient income, so there we are.
Finally there is my seeming belief that God will provide because I have faith in him. This is of course magical thinking, ergo that I think that somehow arranging my brain in a certain way will make the universe pay out in another. It is an early sign of insanity, and to me this is a clear indication that I am on the decline. Granted it is a mass cultural event, so there we are. Further we can explain it as I "Love" him, and therefor I am allowed to bet my future and come up short. Why does he promise to fix things, only for me to wait? The answer is always to build my faith. Yet how is my faith to build when things get worse?
When I prayed to be able to be self sufficient, how was that served by not fixing our income problem? How was that improved by allowing my truck to break down and NO ONE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING CITY HAS THE PART?! HOW WAS THE GREAT AND INFALLIBLE PLAN OF THE LORD SERVED WHEN THE ONLY RESPITE I HAD, SLEEP, BECAME WAKING NIGHTMARES?! HOW WAS IT SERVED WHEN I COULD NOT REPAIR MY HOUSE? WHEN I COULD NOT AQUIRE SUFFICIENT HARDWARE FOR MY ELECTRONICS?! OH YES! SUCH FAITH WE ARE BUILDING. IF HE KEEPS BUILDING MY FAITH I'LL BE DEAD SOON, AND GOD BE PRAISED IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN BE IN THIS FUCKING DESERT A MOMENT LONGER.
But that doesn't matter. My pain is just the refining of his fucking gold. I'm just a FUCKING furnace that he lights up so that my soul might become some beautiful fucking masterpiece. Then he claims to love me. LOVE?! I'd be entertained to see how he treats his enemies. Geez, if this is how he treats those he loves then those he hates are really screwed.
That should be in the sales bits: God of our fathers-the best you can hope for is painful apathy, at worst you'll be in the firing line for every dark force on the planet.
Do you realize if I gave name and voice to my enemies they far surpass any boogyman you might put in a horror movie? What is scary about someone who wants to kill you? That's only frightening if you like life, a state I have sought and fallen short. A murderer would be a fine friend to me. In fact, a finer friend than our Lord, who at best can only offer promise that it WILL get better. I'd love for it to. Frankly it's all that is keeping the gun out of my mouth (proverbial, I own no gun, but I do live near a highway). Not true, I can't stand to kill myself. More's the pity. Add that to the list of personal flaws. One we can't improve on evolutionarily.
I long for a world of pure reason. I have figured out that obviously the point of our capitalistic society is to eliminate the wasteful elements of humanity. An idea that as a reasoning focused man I am fully behind. If we reason that capitalism creates better through competition and eliminates the waste (also a christian idea... burn the chaff), then the obvious LOGICAL thing for those of us that the economy has set aside to be eliminated should:
A:not breed
B: die
So why isn't the GOP platform "It's ok if you aren't rich, we'll give you a pill and you can stop being a drag on society"? My generation is the most depressed in history, we'd certainly go for it. Obviously our problems are unfixable. The humans who claim they can fix them are overwhelmed by the forces of the establishment. Therefor the establishment wins. Christianity is quite clear on the point: submit to your rulers. Our rulers must not want us to exist. Our God has yet to intervene, and so what else can we conclude?
I don't know. I wish I was dead and that doesn't help, it's just another prayer going unanswered. It's just another night in pain, waiting to die. Another day down, progress towards the grave, that only goal I know I'll make.
I don't know where God is, he's my only hope, he's the only thing I trust and I have no hope but him. He is far and away, though I scream for him, though I beg for mercy, where is my saviour? What was to be made of the promise of father jacob? Father Abraham? Was that just a passing dream? A mercy that we know you saved once. A mercy to know that all these hoped as well and died unfufilled.
No one in the world Ever gets what they want And that is beautiful Everybody dies Frustrated and sad And that is beautiful They want what they're not And I wish they would stop
I don't know why I am under the impression that hard work, faith in god, or reasonable intelligence have any bearing on my ability to cope or handle my life. Really, I have NO EARTHLY CLUE. Oh wait, I do. I think that hard work pays off because I have to rationalize my work ethic somehow, I've seen others fired for slacking off, and in the past have had near misses because of my own occasional laziness. So I live day to day believing that hard work matters when it does not improve things in the slightest if I work hard. I can bust my ass all day long and my boss doesn't notice (apart from no negative consequences), my fiance still expects me to come home and fix things, my family still thinks I should work more overtime, and shortly I find myself run down.
I think that reasonable intelligence will fix things because it does, just not everything. It streamlines hard projects. It improves the state of equipment (with the exception of the human body). For some people (not me) it improves their earning potential. I don't know why my brain power is insufficient to supply me with sufficient income, so there we are.
Finally there is my seeming belief that God will provide because I have faith in him. This is of course magical thinking, ergo that I think that somehow arranging my brain in a certain way will make the universe pay out in another. It is an early sign of insanity, and to me this is a clear indication that I am on the decline. Granted it is a mass cultural event, so there we are. Further we can explain it as I "Love" him, and therefor I am allowed to bet my future and come up short. Why does he promise to fix things, only for me to wait? The answer is always to build my faith. Yet how is my faith to build when things get worse?
When I prayed to be able to be self sufficient, how was that served by not fixing our income problem? How was that improved by allowing my truck to break down and NO ONE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING CITY HAS THE PART?! HOW WAS THE GREAT AND INFALLIBLE PLAN OF THE LORD SERVED WHEN THE ONLY RESPITE I HAD, SLEEP, BECAME WAKING NIGHTMARES?! HOW WAS IT SERVED WHEN I COULD NOT REPAIR MY HOUSE? WHEN I COULD NOT AQUIRE SUFFICIENT HARDWARE FOR MY ELECTRONICS?! OH YES! SUCH FAITH WE ARE BUILDING. IF HE KEEPS BUILDING MY FAITH I'LL BE DEAD SOON, AND GOD BE PRAISED IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN BE IN THIS FUCKING DESERT A MOMENT LONGER.
But that doesn't matter. My pain is just the refining of his fucking gold. I'm just a FUCKING furnace that he lights up so that my soul might become some beautiful fucking masterpiece. Then he claims to love me. LOVE?! I'd be entertained to see how he treats his enemies. Geez, if this is how he treats those he loves then those he hates are really screwed.
That should be in the sales bits: God of our fathers-the best you can hope for is painful apathy, at worst you'll be in the firing line for every dark force on the planet.
Do you realize if I gave name and voice to my enemies they far surpass any boogyman you might put in a horror movie? What is scary about someone who wants to kill you? That's only frightening if you like life, a state I have sought and fallen short. A murderer would be a fine friend to me. In fact, a finer friend than our Lord, who at best can only offer promise that it WILL get better. I'd love for it to. Frankly it's all that is keeping the gun out of my mouth (proverbial, I own no gun, but I do live near a highway). Not true, I can't stand to kill myself. More's the pity. Add that to the list of personal flaws. One we can't improve on evolutionarily.
I long for a world of pure reason. I have figured out that obviously the point of our capitalistic society is to eliminate the wasteful elements of humanity. An idea that as a reasoning focused man I am fully behind. If we reason that capitalism creates better through competition and eliminates the waste (also a christian idea... burn the chaff), then the obvious LOGICAL thing for those of us that the economy has set aside to be eliminated should:
A:not breed
B: die
So why isn't the GOP platform "It's ok if you aren't rich, we'll give you a pill and you can stop being a drag on society"? My generation is the most depressed in history, we'd certainly go for it. Obviously our problems are unfixable. The humans who claim they can fix them are overwhelmed by the forces of the establishment. Therefor the establishment wins. Christianity is quite clear on the point: submit to your rulers. Our rulers must not want us to exist. Our God has yet to intervene, and so what else can we conclude?
I don't know. I wish I was dead and that doesn't help, it's just another prayer going unanswered. It's just another night in pain, waiting to die. Another day down, progress towards the grave, that only goal I know I'll make.
I don't know where God is, he's my only hope, he's the only thing I trust and I have no hope but him. He is far and away, though I scream for him, though I beg for mercy, where is my saviour? What was to be made of the promise of father jacob? Father Abraham? Was that just a passing dream? A mercy that we know you saved once. A mercy to know that all these hoped as well and died unfufilled.
No one in the world Ever gets what they want And that is beautiful Everybody dies Frustrated and sad And that is beautiful They want what they're not And I wish they would stop
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