it's time to start re evaluating the nature of reality

For everything there is a time and a purpose, and a time for everything under heaven. So there must be a time to think on the very nature of existence.

In the past I had considered the examining of reality completely futile in terms of applicable philosophy. Here is why I now think it might not be:

God- It always begins and ends with God for me. I have searched this world from end to end for another who is asking the questions that I am asking, looking where I'm looking and defining the problem in the same way. Thus far I haven't found one, and the quest isn't over yet, it's just time to focus elsewhere. The basic tenet of my philosophy is a question: Is it working?
Searching for like-minds isn't working. It may not even have the answers I need.
God is, I admit, beyond my understanding. I must however deal with him in terms I can understand. Our relationship has to function. As with every relationship I am the element I can control, I am the variable. I've tried reason and I've tried prayer. Which leads to my next point

Lateral Thinking-By definition this is solving problems through a creative and indirect approach. The problem is well known. What I have learned is that often the solution to a problem right in front of you is to step back, examine, then look at something else.

Immovable Objects- How do you deal with an immovable object? Well, you can either destroy it or work around it. I am dealing with multiple immovable objects. Okay, they aren't truly unmovable, but I don't have the resources to move them. Further if I could GET the resources on that scale I wouldn't need to move the objects.

Pushing too far- This was my big AHA moment tonight. I have a tendency as soon as a resource is laid in front of me to push it to it's limits. Tonight I was testing a new program, and given only 15 minutes with it I broke it. Then fixed it again, then broke it to the point I will have to start over to properly solve what I was working on. The point is:I want to figure out all something can do, I want to figure it out quickly. Now, it is entirely possible that I have reached the limits of what is possible in the physical world. That is after all why I enjoy programs so much. It's more likely that the answers lie somewhere else.

I've been accepting the answers for what they appear for too long.

1. So what is real anyway?

This is a classic philosophy question and I don't want to get too inky and intellectual about it. For tonight I'll tackle the problem myself. Another day I may read something and bring more evidence.

To begin I think therefor I exist. Which was Descartes' idea. Expanding:
In that I think I sustain a universe(environment) in which the hardware of my brain runs the firmware of my consciousness. My senses and desires drive me to run the software of thought. Which leads into asking questions:
Did I create the(or this) universe?
Unknown. I personally cannot remember coming into existence. Memory is rather fallible as well so I would distrust it even if I did remember. My personal belief is that there is a creator.
What about the outside world?
Indeed, that is the prime question. First off my senses themselves are flawed. I'm slightly deaf in one ear, my eyesight isn't perfect, and my sense of touch is dulled. Further I am told that I suffer from hormonal imbalance which creates additional problems in perceiving the world as it is.

However I propose that perhaps there isn't a world as it is. When I close my eyes I go to an amazing place where I interface with God, my subconscious and memory. Is that any less real? The only evidence one way or another is other's perception. Returning though to the previous point of the fallibility of human senses, why should I trust them?

Every one of us goes through the world gathering memories and experience, forming opinions and influencing others in hundreds of different ways. Every person is born at a different time, has different experiences and sees the world differently. Quantum physics tells us that percieving changes reality. So doesn't it make sense that a person being alive or not would effect not only the world but existence itself.

Even as we speak though millions of eyes are opening, viewing the world for the first time in a new way. At the same time millions are closing, viewing the world for the last time and ending their ride through life.

What really matters? To me? Making God happy and making myself happy. I generally like to make others happy, but it's not essential.
More later, tell me your thoughts thus far.

spiritual desert-the long dryness of the soul

I drank and drank, yet thirsted still. I ate and ate yet my hunger was not satisfied.
I cry out to God, again and again, in the morning and in the night. In panic attacks, in the heat of the day, in the calm of the evening, again and again I bring my plea to God.
I began to troubleshoot my plea. God being perfect the problem MUST have been with my plea.
Could I be greedy? I prayed for his will to be done.
Could I be ungrateful? I prayed for his peace.
Could I be far from his will? I prayed my will be matched to his.
And yet, and yet, agony still.
How is it I am fed and taken care of physically, yet my heart mourns? My mind is stimulated, yet I know in my heart I am not using all my skills....
Then I look up why God doesn't answer prayers, here is a small list:

Reason One: Our Prayers Are Aborted When
They Are Not According To God's Will.

I prayed specifically. Then when I received no word I prayed for God to show me his better idea. It has yet to happen. He is yet to answer.

Reason Two: Our Prayers Can Be Aborted
When They Are Designed To Fulfill An
Inner Lust, Dreams, Or Illusions.

Well, is to be fulfilled an inner lust/dream. I confess, it is a dream of mine that I be put to good use. Yes, it is damn selfish to want to do something worthwhile. What of it? I struggle to find scriptural basis for this.... I struggle though to understand God. To the purpose of not being selfish I prayed to be shown a better plan, as I said it hasn't shown up.

Reason Three: Our Prayers Can Be
Denied When We Show No Diligence
to Assist God In The Answer.

This implies that EITHER: I am to assume his will and act accordingly, or he is to provide me instructions as to what to do. Neither are realistic. When I recieved the vision I did ALL THE FUCKING PREP I COULD. Do you know what I got? DIDDLY. Which is why I prayed for fresh instruction. God knows (literally) when I'll find out about that.

Reason Four: Our Prayers Can Be
Aborted By A Secret Grudge Lodged
In The Heart Against Another.

nope, not that I know of. In this same category is un-forgiven sin. Unless something I'm doing is innately sinful and I don't know.

Reason Five: Our Prayers Can Be
Aborted By Not Expecting Much To
Come Of Them.

Difficult that. The problem is that I am expecting more to come of them than has. I was expecting God to do something... significant. His action (if there is any) so far in regards to my request has been subdued, invisible to the naked eye. What I am saying is that you would have to set up measuring devices to see what has happened, and no one knows what direction to point such devices.

Now of course I don't know what to expect. Obviously I expect things to come or I wouldn't pray.

Reason Six: Our Prayers Are Aborted
When We Ourselves Attempt To
Prescribe How God Should Answer.

Obviously since I said just previously that I don't know what direction to look that I don't know what he's going to do. I have some ideas of what he COULD do. Of course I did make a specific request some time ago... but he's gonna do what he's gonna do. He's god, you know. If he did what I wanted him to do then he'd be me and I'd be him and wouldn't that be a mess? I mean, me, getting what I want, right away? Disaster, obviously. Next thing you know people aren't racist, poverty ends, all kinds of mayhem. I'm just fucking saying that YES, I do have some ideas of what he could do, and those things would improve the situation. I however am not God. Otherwise I wouldn't need to talk to him. Otherwise I wouldn't be in pain.

anger/anxiety realization

I had thought I was over anxiety in that I function without anxiety meds. Lately though I've been noticing that I'm really easy to set off. It isn't that I sit around hating people. Honestly I'm doing my best to just let things go. Yet when I'm sick like this... it seems like I'm angry all the time.

Maybe anger isn't what I think it is. I had thought that if I didn't blame anyone for what bothers me... I wouldn't be angry. That isn't true though. Even though I know that others aren't to blame, at least not in a productive way, I'm not satisfied. I don't know how I'm supposed to be satisfied with this. Honestly, being satisfied with the crap in my life would feel sicker than being pissed. 

as to why

So for those who don't know, I've been having a down few days. I just put my head down and worked through the week. There are reasons:
1: Legitimate and reasonable depression: Things have been tough lately. I'm working my ass off and don't get to enjoy the rewards. I've been waiting for direction from God which means letting go of what I thought he had planned for me.
2: Weather: it is hot and humid here. It has not dropped below a feeling of 100 for more than a week. Worse is that the drugs that allow me to function include heat sensitivity. Which leads to-
3: withdrawal symptoms: I've reduced and almost dropped caffeine for more than a week, it has poor effects to heat sensitivity. I didn't take my ADD meds for 7 days for the same reasons (my doctor said if I could live without it, to live without it during the heat. So energy is way down. Also initiative, hope, productivity, need I go on? Unfortunately my productivity boost I had been getting was negated by the heat, so it's a wash when I do take my meds.

I think that covers it. I'm not writing like I did for those reasons. I don't know when I will be better. Probably September. Which is also when I reach my year mark for my proof I can do without smoking, so I have a cigar coming then as well.

no recovery blog tonight

I'm in a really dark place lately, and I'm not able to apply myself to advancing on the daycount for the recovery blog. I'm sorry.

I just don't know where my life is going... what anything is supposed to mean. I could be standing in this place for years, and that's okay and all. I can accept this place, it isn't a bad place. My soul just has nothing positive to say about it. It allows me to subsist. I eat alright, the work is... okay. The people are nice to me. The weather is okay. There just isn't anything that makes me want to push myself harder. There isn't any reason to climb upwards. If the heavenly will isn't there, what can I do against such forces?

Day 6

Day 6: if you could tell your teenage/younger self one thing what would it be?
One thing?! That is really hard. It would be "enroll in college while it's free, you don't have anything else important going on."
Runner ups: when I was suicidal "do it, it isn't going to get better at least by midyear 2015"
before my wedding: "don't marry her, she's going to destroy everything important to you"
before I dropped out: "if you don't drop out you'll get 2 years free school, really, don't do it."

I didn't used to have regrets. On the other hand I used to think things were going to get better, and that everything happens for a reason. God's been kind of distant lately, and I have no clue why I'm even alive right now.

day 5

Day 5: how do you see yourself in 5 years?
Five years seems awfully ambitious considering my current track record. In five years I will be 32 years old. I suspect that if my stress level continues at it's current pace I might actually look my age at that point. That is considering that at 18 I looked 14, at 22 I looked 18, at 24 I looked 21, and I presently look about 24-25 and my actual age is 27.
In regards to recovery though I see myself improved. I see myself wiser, I think 5 more years of reading and analysis will augment my intelligence as well. Hopefully I will be more centered, even more unflappable. I would like very much to be able to keep a cool head regardless of what is going on. I doubt at that point I will have shaken the drugs... That's more of a goal by the time I turn 40 or 50. I hope I'm still with Samantha... things look like I probably will be. Working on that assumption I'm hoping to either have had our first child or be working on it. I have no clue what my career will be like after that long. I couldn't have seen where I am now 5 years ago. Actually if I was asked 5 years ago where I would be at this point my answer would have been either dead or in a better place(though a better place would have described either option).
Frankly I'm not entirely sure I won't be dead in 5 years. I live for today. My religious grounding says not to worry about tomorrow, today is enough. I still likely have 18000 days left in this life sentence, in 5 years I will still have over 15000 days left. It's a very Robinson Caruso thing, being trapped in this body, in this reality for the long haul. I'm making the best of it. That being said, I'm not a fan.

PS: this has been in reserve a few days... long story. I'm going to try and compose on 6 tonight, we'll see

outage

had a pretty long internet outage today, plus panic attacks. Additionally I gave up caffeine... so I have the post for yesterday, but I'll pick up again tomorrow for the rest.

small house cleaning update

I'm aware that there are actual humans reading, but as of this moment those hits don't differ from fake hits from so called "referrer" sites. Google can't fix this. If you want me to actually know you are reading, hit reply. I don't bite, I promise. Unless you are spewing hate speech you're better off posting than not. If in doubt, post anyway and I'll delete it. I reserve the right to change that policy.

Here are the few ways to be sure your reply is deleted:
1. hate speech: as in racism, demeaning anyone based on something arbitrary.
2. Excessive cussing: I get cussing, I in fact cuss somewhat. Of course I am most amused by people not cussing (my boss for example saying "this is a cluster *awkward pause*, a real cluster *awkward pause*). If you cuss like a middle school student, every other word and I can't make sense of your post it'll probably get deleted.
3. All caps, leetspeak, otherwise unreadable: All caps online is considered shouting. The rest is obvious, if I can't read it neither can anyone else, and therefor it is clutter.
4. Shameless self promotion: If you post a short or irrelevant comment and link your page it will be deleted as soon as I see it. This is the easiest to avoid (if you aren't lazy). First step post something relevant. Second, refer to your blog if it is on topic. If I am talking about wigs, and you happen to be the owner of "Wigs and more, deluxe wigs for the hip fresh look", tell me a little about it and post a link. If you are like me and cover quite a bit of ground, just link a relevant post. Easy hack: write a response post on your blog and link it with the annotation: response post. That's good promotion. I will likely go read it and draw traffic from your blog. I of course appreciate it if you link me on your own, that's the stand up thing to do.

That should cover it for now. If you have suggestions for more rules or for post types reply below.

being wrong is always an option

Last night I once again prayed about the Titan. Just for a sign, an urging, anything. I thought I heard "tommorow is the day". Here we are at 11 pm on "the day"... I'm not barring any act of god in the remaining 75 minutes, it's just at this point I have to wonder if what I heard was really God.

My long standing back up explanation for the whole Titan vision has been my ego. My ego is huge, my ego likes complimenting me by saying I'm set apart, special. The Titan vision, in short, strokes the parts of my ego that like being stroked.

Which of course isn't to say it isn't of God.
What I'm saying  is.... I don't know for sure what I heard anymore.
The biggest flaw in our current communication is that He hears me clearly, I have to decode or somehow tell his voice apart from the normal background noise in my head.
The logical solution is also the spiritual solution.
If instructions don't make sense, if I can't figure out new instructions from what I know, I have to revert back to what I know and make a new map based on that information.
Incidentally as I write this record I may be praying some or all of it. Just because you can read it doesn't mean you are the audience. I'm recording here because this record lasts, and also because I find something soothing in sharing my journey with observers.

I'll start at the beginning. I am not saying that I am denying God's ability, his will, or his actions in progress. I am in fact trying very hard not to interrupt whatever work he is doing outside of me.
I can't help but interrupt what is going on in my heart.
Working only from what I know(basic spiritual reboot):
God loves me.
God cannot harm me, do wrong, or influence others to do harm.
Important tasks start with loving God first. Second is loving my neighbor as myself.
God has gotten me out of a number of tight spots. He has personally interacted not only with me but with my observable environment.
God has provided in the past, he will again.
God loves me for me.
God listens to what I ask him about and responds.
God cares about my well being.

The last time I was truly sure I was in his path was working at Shadow Mountain. Things just seemed to work out there. I was blessed to be used by God to help people. Then the time came for that to end. I'm reasonably certain the door was closed.

So that's where I'm at.... I guess I had hoped some enlightenment would come from reviewing the facts. The problem is that my long term plan apart from to chase this dream has been a little vague. When I was married to Lindsay I just wanted to be well off(not broke) and have some kids. Then that got destroyed. I went through a long period of waiting to die or for God to show up, neither happened and I moved on. During that period I had the aforementioned vision. I've just... always hung my hat on that either I would die or God would come around with something better.

Now it appears that I'm not going to die. It also appears that I may have misheard something along the way.

I just don't know how to function in this..... particular reality. I had hoped I could escape. As much as I pretend to be strong, it has been my belief for some time that the ideal environment for my personality to survive is in near vacuum. It allows me to get hungry for knowledge, be creative, but not be forced to conform.
So I'm left with a few options. I can stay to my current path and eventually be beaten into submission, or I can find another way out.
Again, working logically out from the last thing I knew. Yet... I just don't know what my purpose is. My desire is to be productive, creative, and ensure the survival of my line, with minimal pain. *sigh* that's what I've got for the day. I'm sure more will come. When I get clear instructions I'm going to record them.

Day 4

Day 4: what has been the most helpful in coping with your condition?

Singlehanded? Drugs, both illegal and prescribed. I am including nicotine in the drugs category. After I cleaned up at the end of my teen years I went on a streak of avoiding drugs, but the floodgates opened after my divorce. First there was the allergy meds... for sleep. I remember at times I was getting a bottle a week and sleeping months at a time. Unlike other former drug users I have no regrets. It was a dark time and I was glad for the help. Over time I lost my reaction to those drugs. At that point I had begun smoking cigars. Nicotine is without a doubt the most available and effective antidepressant. Smoking also improves digestion, which is very useful when anxiety messes up your stomach.
At that point I began with the weed. I don't remember ever having a casual relationship with weed. Of course at the time my relationship with all substances was pretty hardcore. I would get out of my head on benedryl, then start drinking. The benedryl suppressed the gag reflex so I could enjoy the alcohol.
Weed was like benedryl+alcohol without the side effects. Benedryl makes me edgy, and I'm not a big fan of the stomach pain or dizziness with alcohol.
So the problem with weed has always been regularity. Back in the day I smoked an ounce a month. I bought in bulk and got good deals. However because of my clean upbringing and past I didn't know many dealers. Every time I lost a dealer I had to go cold turkey. I also couldn't always get the strain that I needed.
Eventually I got health insurance. I also got a job at a children's hospital, which forced me to clean up. I started going to therapy. I got started on the long search for a drug that works. Oh, also the same month I started at the hospital I had my first panic attack. I never finished dropping weed or smoking but I got pretty clean. It wasn't an every day thing. I found buspar which treated the general anxiety and xanex which handled panic attacks. I also got on sleep aids and started sleeping normal hours.
After I left the hospital things went really bad. I lost my insurance for 6 months and went on straight weed... it was horrible, I hated it by the time I was done. Eventually I got back into treatment... Things stayed pretty dark for awhile. My depression deepened, and to be honest has never been as light as when I worked at the hospital since. But about 5 months ago my doctor tried me on a tricylic drug (effexor), which combined with my ADD meds treats the depression. I haven't had weed in over a year. I haven't had nicotine in 10 months. There's no telling how long these drugs will work, but there also isn't any telling how long I'll have to maintain this level of functioning.
I'll tell you a secret: I don't want to be high functioning. When I am high functioning (like now) I push myself past the limit. I don't stop until things start shutting down. As I am typing this I am recovering from a brush with heat stroke. I'm trying to get to the point I function moderately, and that is enough. I do know how to function moderately, but unfortunately that isn't enough at the moment.

A final side note there are a number of drugs that instead of improving my condition made it worse. First K2, which doesn't refer to just one drug because the recipe changes every time an ingredient is made illegal (or that's how it worked when I was on the stuff). It's not addictive, has no positive aspects apart from ONE really good high. It was the best high of my life actually, but it was one time. There wasn't any recapturing it.
There is a long list of anti depressants that didn't work. Side effects varied from making me more depressed/suicidal, sleepwalking/sleep panic attacks, seizures, various nerve problems, and sexual issues.
Drugs aren't toys, no matter how much doctors treat them that way. In choosing to self medicate I took an educated risk. I only jumped without looking once, and it ended badly. Every other time I knew as much about the drug as I considered necessary to consume it. Doctors are also as much my friend as my enemy. For every good doctor I have found there are at least 5 lazy ones. On some occasions I felt more like I was dealing with a drug dealer than a doctor. Actually, my drug dealers always took better care of me than my worst doctors.
The lady I'm seeing now is decent. She does her best, which is all I can ask. Her office staff however... more so so.
I still don't want to live on drugs the rest of my life, I'm hoping this is just a season I'm going through.

Dissappointment: search for answers

I first became truly disappointed in christianity in 6th grade. I was going to a christian school and it just reinforced everything I had learned to detest in christianity. Somewhere in that crisis I found out: my relationship with God and my relationship with other christians aren't necessarily directly related.
So for over ten years I've been seeking him on my own, through the bible, through books, prayer and doing projects he sends me on.
But now here I am 27 years old and I'm starting to realize that I'm disappointed with more than just the run of the mill christian, I have problems with the whole faith. I'm becoming disappointed in God.

The biggest problem is the answers I've been finding. There seems to be two responses to "God isn't taking care of me".
1. God's got this handled, you don't see it. This suffering is PART of the plan, he's going to do some awesome shit, just keep following him.
2. You need to realign your will with his. Ask the right questions.

Neither one scratches the itch. I'll admit, I believe the first one more often. But there are dark moments when I start to think that maybe he is more like the second one.

Because I've been waiting for answers for some time. Of course there is the standard bs that he has a different conception of time than us. To me that sounds like an excuse for lack of empathy... or maybe I'm making him into a straw man. I have no idea what the right emotion to feel is, but it probably isn't anger. Then I feel guilty that I'm angry at his perfect plan, which leads to depression.

I also don't know how I would realign my will to his. I'm generally aware of the process, that God makes you stop wanting what you did before and start being into his stuff... it isn't that simple. I have a mind, and I LIKE having a mind. I like the act of faith being submitting to his will, not that I was already thinking whatever he wanted to put into my head. I'll admit being a little suicidal lately, but I'm not identity death suicidal. I don't want some new person who is nothing like me taking over my body. The Max I know? He's pretty loving, and that's pretty much the extent of his God-ish qualities. He's also sarcastic, has big ideas, likes to try and think of things other people haven't. He's a headstrong and difficult man. How can I change him? I tried once, and it nearly killed him. Him being me. I don't know how to change into something I'm not. I'm willing to let him change me. I'm willing to follow his will. I just have no CLUE what that is. Apart that it apparently involves a couple years in real life purgatory. Maybe a lifetime! His will be done, not mine. He is able to keep me just sane enough not to die, so he can wait a LONG time. Longer than me. I have nothing to hold over him, he gets to just sit by and watch, relieving temporary pain and allowing deeper pain to fester.

I don't know anyone else who is this disappointed with him and still with him. Frankly it's biblical levels of faith, like David in the wilderness kind of faith. Without the promise of a happy ending.
Where are you Lord? Do I matter to you?

action vs adjustments

I'll start with a story.
I remember when I worked at a call center and the many things I learned about the nature of man. I imagine being at an incoming call center is pretty close to what it might feel like to receive prayer. Of course I'm not saying God acts like call center agents... I'm just presenting an opportunity for empathy with the creator. Everyone that called my call center wanted something. They wanted their problem solved, and solved now regardless of expense. Sound familiar?
Here is where there is a divergence: a good call center agent solves the customer's problem in the shortest amount of time and with the least amount of actual effect on the company. The best solution was talking to them. Many customers were underinformed or lonely, both are easy to fix over the phone. The second best solution was to change something in the system. Sometimes this meant adjusting billing, or fiddling with the network. I did tech support so many of my solutions in this area were abstract. I told the system to clean up it's act, suddenly I have a happy customer.
Finally the final and least ideal solution was to get the customer someone who could help them better. Sometimes that meant transfers, but most often it meant sending a repairman to them. The company hated that, and rewarded agents for not using it.

How this leads in is that there are the same three categories for answers to prayer. There are the times you just need to talk to God, he listens and provides feedback. That fixes many emotional problems.
Second tier is fixing something in the system. For humans that means adjusting our personalities, how we react to things, or just giving us a sense of peace.

Finally sometimes God really swings for the fences. Ever seen God stop a crisis in progress? I have. I've seen it go from call the cops trouble to everybody going to bed with milk and cookies. I've seen direct intervention, and it is really something to see.

To the point I have noticed that he favors the first two in response to regular prayer. If I pray in the car, or in my bed, or when I wake up, he's got a huge chance of using one of the first two solutions.

Which isn't to say that is how my prayer is directed. Sometimes it is. But for 10 years I have been trying to get God to do a category 3 reaction to prayer that he gives category 1 and 2 responses.
I've already prayed a bit about this issue today, it's a regular topic for us.

I understand his will being his will. Which is why we agreed that I wouldn't attack the future on here. What this is is a philosophical response. How should I come to terms with the reality that these are the answers I am getting?

This is a new stage for me. I have said in the past that a God that does things that everyone else can isn't particularly impressive, glorious, or essential.
In a point:If cognative therapy and drugs can (and maybe did) create the "act of God", it won't cut it as testimony.
Category one solutions, the talk therapy? I'm doing it right now. It does not matter in fact at all if he pays attention to this particular discussion I'm having right now. I had a therapist tell me to journal to deal with my issues, and it works quite a bit.
Category two solutions, which is the sticking point, that covers stress management techniques. It also covers drugs. Here is the great thing about a good bit of cognative therapy and every drug I've ever taken: they don't ask for anything. If I sit back and take a deep breath an appreciate the things I like in life, that's just thought redirection. There is nothing spiritual at all in focusing on what makes me satisfied.
I broke down crying praying over the weekend, and the peace I have now is his response. I appreciate the peace.
What it really comes down to is that I want to know the problem is important to him. I want to believe I'm important to him. I guess what I'm saying is when he responds with peace when I ask for rescue, it hurts my pride. It makes it seem like.... I don't know... like I don't matter. Like he doesn't take my problem seriously.
I realized last night I have over 18,000 days left in my life. I'd like to have most of them be good. How involved can God be in that? Okay, Okay... that's a future question.
There are just times that trusting him that the solution he just handed me is incredibly hard. It's way harder to accept his answers than to ask him.... for me.
If he doesn't use direct action unless it's integral to his plan, or to pull my ass out of the fire.... I don't know what I can do to that. I've grown out of putting myself in trouble hoping he'll get the hint. I'm learning to accept that he's not going to let me in on the details of his plan.
Like I said, it's hard to understand how he can love me and at the same time have the reactions he does to my requests.

Recovery Challenge Day 3

Day 3: what are three things you want to gain from this recovery?

1. Sanity
The definition of sanity is:
the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health.
"I began to doubt my own sanity"
synonyms: mental health, faculties, reason, rationality, saneness, stability, lucidity; More
reasonable and rational behavior.
synonyms: (common) sense, wisdom, prudence, judiciousness, rationality, soundness, sensibleness
"sanity has prevailed"

Though this is also a philosophical and spiritual goal. I don't have any desire to be sane per other people's definition. I want to be sane within my own established reasoning. I don't have much else to say in this context, but sanity will play a major role in my regular post tonight.

2. Positive relationships with good boundaries.
I was going to say positive relationships that don't drain me, but it all comes down to boundaries. I am still on the road to figuring out which parts of myself to allow certain people in my life to access. In the past I let people have way too much access, and got burned. Right now I think my boundaries are probably a little excessive.

3. Find a path towards health
I don't delude myself that I will reach total functionality. For one I'm a perfectionist when it comes to pushing myself. I'm trying to find some balance. I'd like to be as healthy as is possible for me.

So I'm just going to pick up where I left off here, and these are just going to come when I have time and energy. I actually feel like shit right now... physically at least... but I wanted to do this, so I did.

Not enough (rant)

First off, I'm aware I'm already behind on my recovery blog, and I'll see what I can do. Further in I believe you will have all the answer you need as to why.
I don't know why I am under the impression that hard work, faith in god, or reasonable intelligence have any bearing on my ability to cope or handle my life. Really, I have NO EARTHLY CLUE. Oh wait, I do. I think that hard work pays off because I have to rationalize my work ethic somehow, I've seen others fired for slacking off, and in the past have had near misses because of my own occasional laziness. So I live day to day believing that hard work matters when it does not improve things in the slightest if I work hard. I can bust my ass all day long and my boss doesn't notice (apart from no negative consequences), my fiance still expects me to come home and fix things, my family still thinks I should work more overtime, and shortly I find myself run down.
I think that reasonable intelligence will fix things because it does, just not everything. It streamlines hard projects. It improves the state of equipment (with the exception of the human body). For some people (not me) it improves their earning potential. I don't know why my brain power is insufficient to supply me with sufficient income, so there we are.
Finally there is my seeming belief that God will provide because I have faith in him. This is of course magical thinking, ergo that I think that somehow arranging my brain in a certain way will make the universe pay out in another. It is an early sign of insanity, and to me this is a clear indication that I am on the decline. Granted it is a mass cultural event, so there we are. Further we can explain it as I "Love" him, and therefor I am allowed to bet my future and come up short. Why does he promise to fix things, only for me to wait? The answer is always to build my faith. Yet how is my faith to build when things get worse?
When I prayed to be able to be self sufficient, how was that served by not fixing our income problem? How was that improved by allowing my truck to break down and NO ONE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING CITY HAS THE PART?! HOW WAS THE GREAT AND INFALLIBLE PLAN OF THE LORD SERVED WHEN THE ONLY RESPITE I HAD, SLEEP, BECAME WAKING NIGHTMARES?! HOW WAS IT SERVED WHEN I COULD NOT REPAIR MY HOUSE? WHEN I COULD NOT AQUIRE SUFFICIENT HARDWARE FOR MY ELECTRONICS?! OH YES! SUCH FAITH WE ARE BUILDING. IF HE KEEPS BUILDING MY FAITH I'LL BE DEAD SOON, AND GOD BE PRAISED IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN BE IN THIS FUCKING DESERT A MOMENT LONGER.

But that doesn't matter. My pain is just the refining of his fucking gold. I'm just a FUCKING furnace that he lights up so that my soul might become some beautiful fucking masterpiece. Then he claims to love me. LOVE?! I'd be entertained to see how he treats his enemies. Geez, if this is how he treats those he loves then those he hates are really screwed.
That should be in the sales bits: God of our fathers-the best you can hope for is painful apathy, at worst you'll be in the firing line for every dark force on the planet.
Do you realize if I gave name and voice to my enemies they far surpass any boogyman you might put in a horror movie? What is scary about someone who wants to kill you? That's only frightening if you like life, a state I have sought and fallen short. A murderer would be a fine friend to me. In fact, a finer friend than our Lord, who at best can only offer promise that it WILL get better. I'd love for it to. Frankly it's all that is keeping the gun out of my mouth (proverbial, I own no gun, but I do live near a highway). Not true, I can't stand to kill myself. More's the pity. Add that to the list of personal flaws. One we can't improve on evolutionarily.
I long for a world of pure reason. I have figured out that obviously the point of our capitalistic society is to eliminate the wasteful elements of humanity. An idea that as a reasoning focused man I am fully behind. If we reason that capitalism creates better through competition and eliminates the waste (also a christian idea... burn the chaff), then the obvious LOGICAL thing for those of us that the economy has set aside to be eliminated should:
A:not breed
B: die
So why isn't the GOP platform "It's ok if you aren't rich, we'll give you a pill and you can stop being a drag on society"? My generation is the most depressed in history, we'd certainly go for it. Obviously our problems are unfixable. The humans who claim they can fix them are overwhelmed by the forces of the establishment. Therefor the establishment wins. Christianity is quite clear on the point: submit to your rulers. Our rulers must not want us to exist. Our God has yet to intervene, and so what else can we conclude?
I don't know. I wish I was dead and that doesn't help, it's just another prayer going unanswered. It's just another night in pain, waiting to die. Another day down, progress towards the grave, that only goal I know I'll make.
I don't know where God is, he's my only hope, he's the only thing I trust and I have no hope but him. He is far and away, though I scream for him, though I beg for mercy, where is my saviour? What was to be made of the promise of father jacob? Father Abraham? Was that just a passing dream? A mercy that we know you saved once. A mercy to know that all these hoped as well and died unfufilled.
No one in the world Ever gets what they want And that is beautiful Everybody dies Frustrated and sad And that is beautiful They want what they're not And I wish they would stop

Recovery Challenge day 2

Day 2: why did you choose recovery?

That's a weird damn question. For me that's like asking "why did you decide to keep breathing?' The answer is simple: I don't have it in me to buy a gun and shoot myself, not if there are other options. So I don't have it in me to live with depression the way I was experiencing it. I didn't have it in me to go into another relationship like my 1st marriage. I don't have the strength to live with two panic attacks a day.

I know my limits. One time was all I could take being betrayed like that. I won't be EVER again. Even if I were to divorce again, being blindsided like before is impossible. Even if I deal with depression deeper, I know it's a warped reality. Same for panic attacks.

I choose to continue because I'm not satisfied yet. I'm not completely insulated against my problem yet. I don't know what totally better looks like, but not this.

Recovery challenge: Day 1

Day 1: What are you recovering from? Tell us everything you know about it.

It's hard to narrow down, which tells me I haven't been in group therapy in awhile. I remember when I did my intro in group and that lasted longer than my reflection.

It all started with recovery from dysfunctional relationships, and from my divorce. Along the way I picked up depression and anxiety. I have also at various times had some bad habits in the areas of drugs and irresponsible behavior (for me, others don't consider it that bad).

So, what do I know about divorce? I can only give you a religious answer, because legally I still don't get it. In basic terms it's when you make an undying vow and decide to break it. In my case I think she made that decision.... but I suspect she blames me as well. The truth is it was a mistake ever to marry her. I really should have listened to others who said I was too young. I don't think I was too young to love someone like that, or understand the permanence of the vows. I was too young to be skeptical enough of her. I was too young to see betrayal in front of my face. I was too young to hurt the way I did.

I know it's a highly personal process. I've known people who rushed back in to something lasting. I get that, losing marriage is very uncomfortable. It seems like someone else could fill the hole. In my case they can't. No one else could ever have been Lindsay to me. She was all that she could ever have been to me. I lost her, and even though I tried there was no getting her back. I moved on my way. I sunk into depression and examined myself. I understood that she started the split, but having spent previous time in recovery I knew I played a part.

Anyway I am currently in my first stable happy relationship since losing Lindsay. We are engaged and it looks like will be married in time. I'm still in the process of learning to trust again, and learning my role in making things work.

What do I know about depression? Oh, so much. Depression is a black hole of energy. For me it is sadness that is deeper than sadness. Like if you get hit so hard you are numb. I spent the first year sleeping, doing drugs and watching movies. Then I came back to the world. It's been an ongoing fight for 5 years.

At present I have to work to know when I'm depressed, and often it's subtle. Lately it's been a lack of hope, faith or trust. I'm having a good week on that score.

Anxiety? It's fear. I've been hurt so bad, and no one was there to catch me. I have learned to rely on myself. Anxiety comes when I fail. Anxiety comes when I don't have the resources to cope. Anxiety comes when I don't know how to deal with what is ahead. Or if I get too far ahead of myself.

I'm very zen about it right now.... nothing of importance is bothering me at the moment, but I know I need to improve myself so I don't let someone or something else put me back in that bad place.

30 day recovery challenge

from: http://anxietysurvivor.tumblr.com/

So I found this, and I feel like being forced to write something for the next 30 days. Keep in mind I've been in recovery for....... 3-5 years depending on how you define it. But I reached 300 posts, and considering the length of most of them... that's an achievement. Heck, that means I've written a book.

I hadn't shared this before, but I actually started blogging because of my literary aspirations (which I am not making much progress on at the moment.) My long term friend and therapist (who has since retired) told me to try and write something every day while I was in recovery. If I could at least document the process. That I have tried to do. He told me that when I was done I would have enough material for a book, and it would be a book people would want to read. We shall see on that score. Anyway, I'm going to do Day 1 in the next post, but I'm going to do my best to do this every day.

mini science rant

So I just saw a headline "5 creepy real places that science can't explain".
So many problems. First of all, science defined:
the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.
So is science a person? No. Further how certain people practice a scientific approach does not make them science. In the very outset this sentence isn't doing well because it doesn't show who is expected to do the explaining. Am I the one who is doing the science? Because I only have a few undergrad courses in biology.... I'm afraid I'm under qualified. Are scientists doing the explaining? If so, why not say scientists?
Now to the meat of the issue: can't.

Which is the infinitive way of saying that it is not possible for this particular noun to do the thing. In a sense they are right as an idea (which this is) does not have a mouth, or fingers to type out an explanation. In other news feminism can't install a speed bump and my tiny ass can't ride democracy to mars.
What it comes down to in the end is incomplete data, which an educated person would have figured out. The intent is to state that the process of science hasn't figured out some of nature's mysteries. I don't see how that's a big deal as science hasn't figured out every quantifiable and definitely knowable problem either. People practicing science may never actually investigate the items in question, but it wouldn't change a thing. The challenge brought was that it was impossible that a scientific approach could explain certain things, and that is patently wrong.
First of all an idea is practically immortal, so trying to draw limits is a practice in futility. Second it was not stated that the person using science needed the right answer. It said that they couldn't provide an answer. I'd say that given enough funding some scientific institution could provide some answer as to what is going on. It might not be very good. It might fall apart under scrutiny, but you didn't ask for good.

I'm just sick of this constant attack on knowledge. I'm tired of under educated people getting mad at the more educated. There is a dogmatic approach in some sectors that distrusts anything under the banner science. Science is at least three thousand years old, and many good and bad people have used it. However it is no more the fault of science than the battle of Normandy was the fault of the beach.

distant light

So... sick again... not to the point I'm not able to work, but enough to mess with me.
It appears to be the heat, and it makes my stomach hurt which in turn keeps me from eating like I should. I've pushed pretty hard so far this week (still can't believe only two days down), I haven't missed a minute of work, my breaks have come when I wanted them.

Anyway hurt stomach (or any extreme pain at this point) leads to praying myself to sleep. I don't remember how it came to this but last night before I went to sleep I came upon some scripture (probably Jeremiah 29, since it's posted by my bed) and the words jumped out

"I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

I don't know if I have shared my personal feelings about Oklahoma. I was born in Dallas Texas, and never liked the idea of moving to Oklahoma. Tulsa is a big city, but compared to Dallas? No comparison. The weather is better, and that's about it. Well, maybe traffic. You know what don't get into it with me and traffic (I was rear ended last week).

Anyway, I didn't like Oklahoma much to start with. My teen years made it abundantly clear that people like me did in fact have a place in the universe:not Oklahoma. It wasn't just one thing either. Could it have been:
Being told Democrats don't go to heaven at church?
Not to be curious about science because "God has that figured out" at a Christian school?
Being exorcised, twice?
Substandard education facilities but by God we've got the best football in the country?
Maybe it was the weather (impossibly hot in the summer, ice in the winter), maybe it was the economy (either dirt poor or filthy rich), but mostly it was the religious right. It was living in a city built on televangelism. Home of name it and claim it.

Anyway, haven't been a fan. Now when I got married and decided to settle down.... I guess I must have come to peace with the place. There are good things here, mostly swimming and cycling. If she had been faithful... if the marriage had lasted... who knows?
But as soon as she left my only prayer was this: escape.
Even now when I have come to some peace I can't ignore the fact that on every street corner there are horrible memories. This is the environment I died and came back in.
It has always made sense that given the both literal and figurative salvation that is promised biblically, God would be just as interested as I am as to getting me out of here. I might have set my sights high.... oh well. I've learned.
The point is my light is that: he said he would bring back those he has sent into exile. I believe that on some level that attitude still lives. God still frees the trapped, and oh boy am I. I've been having daydreams..... With God you never know. He's quiet for an awfully long while, long enough that it feels like he never spoke or acted at all. Then he's there, larger than life, moving around the guts of your personal universe. No one else could, and no one else has the remarkable vision to understand what needs to be done. Days are coming, for everything a season and for him to move large obstacles there is a season as well, and it is ahead.