Winning. Being one of the only guys to be able to pull 50 hour week after 50 hour week. Looking at my bank account and seeing enough, not much more, but enough. My fiance getting an interview and a stand mixer. I'm just saying, to God the glory it feels so good to win. Yes it does feel great to give, but it feels so great and humbling to receive. To get the feeling of a wave lifting you up. I'm hoping, dreaming really, that this is just the first swell. For everything there is a season, and I think it might just be the season where we win, the season where it all pays off, and the season that every word I've read and every word I've said pays off. It doesn't have to, because today is good. Today is great actually, I'd like to freeze it in amber and come back here on vacation.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
What works
What works:
For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.
Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.
So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.
The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.
The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.
So the question I keep asking is what now?
It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max
For 5 years I have wanted to find someone else who has gone through what I've been going through, who despite making seemingly good decisions and trusting God was as under attack and troubled as I was. Specifically I wanted someone to write about what it is like when God shows up. I wanted documentation, what was going on RIGHT before he appeared, miracle in hand, ready to fix things. Since I never found it, I'm writing it now.
Unexpected, in a word. I have found the secret to gaining many useful things is to forget about them, do without. I'm not an acetic type of person, I live life to the full. To use a line I want to “suck the marrow out of life.” Yet the past few years have taught me more about how to make something with less. I still plan to enjoy everything coming my way, but I know how to stretch it further. Today started out fairly normal. Actually it started out shitty, literally. I woke up because the cat pooped on the bed. With this start I got breakfast and went to work, only to find that my mp3 player hadn't charged. I pushed on though, I started singing. Things got better, I managed to turn around my lack of energy and produce well enough to coast the rest of the day. Then I went and got lunch. While I was sitting at lunch I got several calls. Another audit was one of them, but the important one was from my insurance agent, my fiance's uncle. He wanted to drive to me so I could sign some papers, so I said ok. I decided it was okay because I had time, I had just sat down with my lunch. He showed up, and after we took care of the insurance thing he offered to fix my whole house trouble. This has been an item of prayer for 7 months, and frankly I had come to the conclusion that God was going to let me dig out on my own. Which would have been fine, he was comforting me and he had allowed me peace about where I am.
So I'm still in a state of shock. In the past few hours I've gone over and over again, what did I do? Well the short answer is nothing because God's grace is the source of the blessing, not anything I earned. Yet I did hit on some major points, changes in myself that I think he's seeing, maybe the point of the trial.
The first major point is humility. The concept of turn the other cheek has been taken to a new level in my life. Previously it didn't take conscious effort to turn away from those who provoke me, now however I have been raw. In the same vein is suffering in silence, really I think this is the biggest change in the last 60 days. I read somewhere about suffering, about what God wants us to do when we are suffering. It said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to complain while we're waiting on him. It convicted me, because I've complained way too much. I decided to try and stop. I'm still working on it, but I'm still learning not to talk about my struggles. Not because I'm not open to help, if people ask or if it's relevant to the conversation, I might mention it.
The second major thing is trust. It has taken me years to realize that his plan is his plan. I'm not in charge, I'm not even on the list of people consulted in case of a decision. He has made it clear he's running things, and what's more, he knows what he's doing. It's led to an entirely different kind of relationship with him. I realize now I have to be grateful for what I get, because I can never deserve it. I mean I could have told you all this 5 years ago, but internalizing it has been my spiritual task for years.
So the question I keep asking is what now?
It would be so easy to fall back into thinking that this breakthrough means God is going to do xyz, at last, that I've been waiting for. That wasn't what worked though. God isn't the weather. Nothing this morning could have predicted this afternoon. Nothing.
I have to keep trusting him. I have to focus on today, today things are a little better, and I need to hold that close, enjoy it. Whatever comes next will come on it's own. For today, this is one grateful guy,
Max
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
when will life begin? (philosophical rambling)
I've been thinking about the concept of life, and it so called "beginning". When a happy couple gets married on the younger end of their lives they are "starting a life together". Same seems to go for leaving home and going to college. So what does that mean? Are we not alive before then? Of course not, but what do we mean by "beginning life"? It is my understanding that we are referring to the time when we are enjoying the experience of living as our life. Further evidence crops up when people say "my life is over". Which from a logical standpoint should be a very limited and rare phrase to hear. Yet because of the romantic notions that have become part of our culture we think life is over just because we get fired, lose all our possessions, or lose someone. Yet by saying "my life is over" you use your voice. This verifies that you continue to breath and therefor are not dead yet.
I'm starting to wonder if this romanticism is a bad thing. I mean, after Lindsay left I felt like I was dead, but I wasn't actually dead. Often I was quite high, and I managed to sleep quite a bit which is sort of a preview of death. After I slept though I ended up waking up, both physically and metaphorically.
Here is how the dictionary defines life:
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
See, nothing in there about state of mind or relationship with outside beings. Verification of life is not necessary to life. There are thousands, perhaps millions of unclassified living creatures on this planet. Yet they are alive.
I kind of feel like I wrote myself into an end earlier than I thought I would. I thought I could get at least half an hour of thinking out of this idea, but it's closed. I've said all I can say.
I'm starting to wonder if this romanticism is a bad thing. I mean, after Lindsay left I felt like I was dead, but I wasn't actually dead. Often I was quite high, and I managed to sleep quite a bit which is sort of a preview of death. After I slept though I ended up waking up, both physically and metaphorically.
Here is how the dictionary defines life:
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
See, nothing in there about state of mind or relationship with outside beings. Verification of life is not necessary to life. There are thousands, perhaps millions of unclassified living creatures on this planet. Yet they are alive.
I kind of feel like I wrote myself into an end earlier than I thought I would. I thought I could get at least half an hour of thinking out of this idea, but it's closed. I've said all I can say.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
worship in the dark
I read something lately, and during one of my dark moments it really struck home. It said that the greatest worship we can bring during tests is to endure them with silence and humility. I've been trying to do that. So just because I'm silent don't assume my prayers are answered, I just realize that cursing the pain isn't submitting to him. Yes, it hurts. Yes I'll even admit I feel it's unfair, unjust, and more than is reasonable.
I serve a mighty and superb God though. The attacks are huge, but he's greater still.
This month I lost smoking, I suspect forever. After a year long fast I tried to enjoy a cigar. I didn't like it. The taste for it is gone. I don't know if I can explain what it's like to lose something you loved to do, just because your body won't go.... More a loss is a part of who I was. I liked smoking as a rugged individual, as a stance against the world. Yet I wonder if it wasn't taken from me on purpose. Now I'm not doing anything proactive to die. Maybe that means I'll live again. I think the best is ahead. I think that God's not done yet. More than that I think that God knows what he is doing, and whatever comes I trust him.
I serve a mighty and superb God though. The attacks are huge, but he's greater still.
This month I lost smoking, I suspect forever. After a year long fast I tried to enjoy a cigar. I didn't like it. The taste for it is gone. I don't know if I can explain what it's like to lose something you loved to do, just because your body won't go.... More a loss is a part of who I was. I liked smoking as a rugged individual, as a stance against the world. Yet I wonder if it wasn't taken from me on purpose. Now I'm not doing anything proactive to die. Maybe that means I'll live again. I think the best is ahead. I think that God's not done yet. More than that I think that God knows what he is doing, and whatever comes I trust him.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
longing unfufilled
So much I long for, and so out of reach.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me.... I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.
I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.
After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.
I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.
Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.
I have determined that the only happiness there is, if you can call it that, is finding a place of satisfaction within what can be had. There will always be more that could be, more to possess, more to do. That's the curse of the human condition.
Yet how can I satisfy myself when even the meager pleasures which I depend on are beyond my grasp. I long to play a simple game, yet my hardware fails me.... I long to write.... yet I'm stuck. I long for intimacy... my flesh refuses to act as I command it in every direction I go.
I long for a greater life, even though I have told myself OVER AND OVER that anything beyond my own ability to get is in the hands of God. A God who has no impulses I can observe about material desires. I am impotent even there, because my ministry has become so meager, compared to what it once was.
Sometimes I think he blesses us simply so we can regret that we didn't treasure the moments enough. Every time things go well I believe that he will bring still greater things to be. Yet even as I anticipate his glory what good he brought me is destroyed.
It can always get worse, and likely it will sooner or later. I don't want to be negative, but my frustration reaches such heights. No one appears to understand. Even when I explain in the most naked of terms, I am alone. What use is language when no amount of expressing brings me closer to others. As I browse my thoughts I find myself more and more amazed by the disappointing nature of other humans. Everybody is zealot for something, some for religion, others for money, but can no one be zealous for truth? For a better humanity? Is it too much to ask that we look beyond our simple lives and hope for a future? Ahh, but what is hope but a poor man's hope and a rich man's glory. And which am I? I am pragmatic and at times talented with money, and I was born to... a higher class. Yet I work a working class job. I fit better with the working classes than with the moneyed elite. I'm not even sure I want to understand the upper class. What kind of person can enjoy a feast while the common man starves? I mean of course philosophically, food isn't out of reach as a practical matter.
I have walked through over 100 yards with empty beautiful pools this summer. I have seen poor children playing in sprinklers. See the contrast? The public pools are either overcrowded or shut down, and even the private pools(semi private) are packed... and unsatisfying.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I thought I was important, to God, to humanity. Now I don't think so as much. I think I would be quite fortunate to be allowed to earn a decent living, despite my philosophical longings to ditch capitalism. My dreams are so far divorced from where I am. I dream of water in the desert, air on the moon, and ice on the sun. I am aware that God is able, yet I am also aware that nothing I do can bring his will faster, and his will may not be what I asked for, or even something I recognize.
After years of customer service and sales I become who-ever the people I meet want me to be. I find I cannot stop being kind, gentle and loving towards those I meet no matter how much pain I feel. No matter how far behind I am I will still stop to explain to a worried homeowner. Because I care for them. Yet it seems I care more for those than my Lord does to me. I don't refer to how much he loves me, for his thoughts and heart are his own to monitor, and how would I know them apart from what he tells me? Of course he loves me, it is his nature. I refer to care, the action. Love in terms of the verb. A man may love his children yet if he does not tell them, if he does not comfort them when they cry, if he does not feed them when they ask, how would they know? Yet we are told that God is capable of rewarding those that seek him far better than the ideal father of the story. I am told that refers to the holy spirit infilling our souls. As far as I am aware the holy spirit still dwells in me, though we disagree much more now than we did.
I suppose I'll try tithing again, even though it will slow my recovery.... I am just so tired. I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of it being MY fault for being born into this situation, into this country, into this world. I'm tired of this frankly quite wonderful life showing it's backside to me. I'm tired of waiting. But wait I must, because though I am weak and so is my hope, God is strong where I am weak. Given my tiredness, my weakness, how strong must he be? Given his goodness..... I don't know what to expect apart from change, and a better life, or better yet no more torturous life at all. Even yet I still would prefer death to a small improvement. It would be a large improvement indeed if it could make me love life more than death.
Death is definite, it's coming and everyone knows that. Death means that the physical body which I struggle to maintain isn't my problem anymore. Most of all death means either judgement or nothingness, and I embrace either. I have attempted to be the best man I can in this situation, that would justify me in most eastern philosophies. I have followed God with all my heart, with all I am, and known Christ, which in my opinion covers the most likely situation. Finally I have enjoyed the most of this life, which justifies me if there is nothing at all, the next most likely situation.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Where your treasure is
Today I met a man who had worked for over 40 years, owned 9 car dealership and had a house worth half a million dollars (in my city that's like a multi-million dollar house.) In his garage he had two perfectly restored chevy Bel Aires. Every gate in (and out) of his yard was locked tight.
It just struck me as.... well I'm not going to judge it for him, but I can't imagine being there. I left sales because I wanted to DO something for a living. I couldn't imagine owning a bunch of car dealerships... basicly existing to make money. It's so... I don't know what. At that moment I turned to God and said "and that's why I won't be making 5 million dollars on my current path, not the usual way". Money isn't my treasure, there are other things far more precious. Family is the sappy but true response, but me time and my hobbies are also nice. I enjoy thinking free, and there is nothing as freeing as not submitting to other's motivation system. Having enough and being happy with it is the greatest revolutionary move in capitalism. The whole economy relies on people not being satisfied. Start finding happiness with what you've got, and it has to find a new way in.
It just struck me as.... well I'm not going to judge it for him, but I can't imagine being there. I left sales because I wanted to DO something for a living. I couldn't imagine owning a bunch of car dealerships... basicly existing to make money. It's so... I don't know what. At that moment I turned to God and said "and that's why I won't be making 5 million dollars on my current path, not the usual way". Money isn't my treasure, there are other things far more precious. Family is the sappy but true response, but me time and my hobbies are also nice. I enjoy thinking free, and there is nothing as freeing as not submitting to other's motivation system. Having enough and being happy with it is the greatest revolutionary move in capitalism. The whole economy relies on people not being satisfied. Start finding happiness with what you've got, and it has to find a new way in.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Life in the shadow of hope
I've been thinking about writing out a list of rules and reminders about how to stay alive when there is no future, the past has nothing to lend, and God remains silent.
Things like "Love yourself, no one else can do it as well as you."
The problem is though that I am completely unsure if anyone else lives in this particular relationship to Reality and the Creator of Reality. Other "Christians"(both of the actual follower of Christ variety and followers of the religion associated with Christ) seem to have a different set of values for how things work. There is some sort of logical abyss where it makes sense to ask for things from someone who so far has shown no inclination to do things on the magnitude you ask(apart from in distant history).
I'm well aware he CAN move mountains. But if I said "Hey, God, check this mountain out. It's a horrible problem for the faithful, could you move it" The answer would likely come sometime next century, if at all. More than likely I would be left to interpret his silence. Here is what Oswald Chambers has to say about his silence: http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-silence%E2%80%94-then-what/
I did not have that article when I started writing, but see how what I observe exists even here? It is from God, surely it is wonderful. Surely indeed all things that come from God are good because theologically he cannot do anything else. He doesn't dole out punishment because it isn't in his nature. Yet the gap exists between what God considers good and worthy and what I as a human being do.
I suppose my ego is too large yet for the kingdom of heaven, for I still believe that if my leg is cut off I cannot walk, and if I have not resources I have no testimony or ministry. Yet God does not appear (again we are interpreting silence) to acknowledge reality as I know it. What I consider challenges are not to him. How could they be when he has the power at hand to solve them at a word? But they are to me. I'm WELL AWARE that he will work a wonderful plan out. Wonderful that is for the Glory of God. Not for the relief of Max. Fuck Max, he's just a fucking human who has submitted his life to the almighty. Silly stupid mortal, as ignorant as a screwdriver, but useful to dick around with now and then.
See, I have not succeeded in divorcing my spiritual being from my carnal desires. I yet would like edification of mind and body and God yet remains silent and still on the surface. God does not appear to concern himself with the realization of hopes and dreams, not the ones that involve a better life for the human involved. Too selfish perhaps, and are we not called as followers of Christ to give up all and follow him? How does that work for a religion of almost over a billion to live as nomads to material goods, to homes and families and jobs? I am willing if I could but see a way.
As I was saying.... I'm unsure if anyone else has to put up with this situation. Then it ends up coming to ego and paranoia. My personal belief on paranoia is that it is far too complementary to my self importance and ego to believe that any large amount of humans are personally concerned with bothering with me. So the net result is that if something is over complimentary to my ego it must be the less likely situation.
Now my present situation is a problem. I can immediately come to the conclusion that I am not the first to feel betrayed and abandoned by God. Even Christ felt that way, as did David, Solomon, and of course Job. This does not mean that my situation has bearing on other people's. The thinking is that God is better than to do this to large amounts of people. Heck I could take the lack of feedback on this blog as a sign that while others observe my situation they find no relevant material within. God be praised perhaps I am the only person at the moment alive who has the concurrent situation of knowing that there is a God and being spurned by him. Others perhaps would have given up on God. If I could I would. It's like if I could point a gun at my head and fire I would, because it's a good fucking idea. Unfortunately neither are compatible with who I am. Others still would have received an answer from God. Ah, answer is not the right word. He answers every prayer. Visible response perhaps?
I don't know. I'm so sick of him. This is familiar, because we can love and yet be utterly sick at the sight of someone. Sometimes in the past I have been fed up with my family members. Yet I still love them. I still couldn't imagine life without them. It pains me to dislike my creator whom I love (remember Love is a choice), I long to reconcile. The road is unclear. I don't think that I can reason my way out. It's a matter of the heart. So I must continue to seek him, beg for his healing and wisdom. One day I will find wisdom, because even though material matters are not important, wisdom appears to be important even to God. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also, and wisdom is treasure beyond any other. None can remove wisdom that has taken root.
Perhaps I need to return to the root of the tree of why I made my request, so that I could seek with all my heart and mind. So that I would not need to be concerned with petty work, strained by petty finances and surrounded by those that would take my safety from me. Maybe in understanding why my heart longs for that I can figure out how to regard his silence.
Things like "Love yourself, no one else can do it as well as you."
The problem is though that I am completely unsure if anyone else lives in this particular relationship to Reality and the Creator of Reality. Other "Christians"(both of the actual follower of Christ variety and followers of the religion associated with Christ) seem to have a different set of values for how things work. There is some sort of logical abyss where it makes sense to ask for things from someone who so far has shown no inclination to do things on the magnitude you ask(apart from in distant history).
I'm well aware he CAN move mountains. But if I said "Hey, God, check this mountain out. It's a horrible problem for the faithful, could you move it" The answer would likely come sometime next century, if at all. More than likely I would be left to interpret his silence. Here is what Oswald Chambers has to say about his silence: http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-silence%E2%80%94-then-what/
I did not have that article when I started writing, but see how what I observe exists even here? It is from God, surely it is wonderful. Surely indeed all things that come from God are good because theologically he cannot do anything else. He doesn't dole out punishment because it isn't in his nature. Yet the gap exists between what God considers good and worthy and what I as a human being do.
I suppose my ego is too large yet for the kingdom of heaven, for I still believe that if my leg is cut off I cannot walk, and if I have not resources I have no testimony or ministry. Yet God does not appear (again we are interpreting silence) to acknowledge reality as I know it. What I consider challenges are not to him. How could they be when he has the power at hand to solve them at a word? But they are to me. I'm WELL AWARE that he will work a wonderful plan out. Wonderful that is for the Glory of God. Not for the relief of Max. Fuck Max, he's just a fucking human who has submitted his life to the almighty. Silly stupid mortal, as ignorant as a screwdriver, but useful to dick around with now and then.
See, I have not succeeded in divorcing my spiritual being from my carnal desires. I yet would like edification of mind and body and God yet remains silent and still on the surface. God does not appear to concern himself with the realization of hopes and dreams, not the ones that involve a better life for the human involved. Too selfish perhaps, and are we not called as followers of Christ to give up all and follow him? How does that work for a religion of almost over a billion to live as nomads to material goods, to homes and families and jobs? I am willing if I could but see a way.
As I was saying.... I'm unsure if anyone else has to put up with this situation. Then it ends up coming to ego and paranoia. My personal belief on paranoia is that it is far too complementary to my self importance and ego to believe that any large amount of humans are personally concerned with bothering with me. So the net result is that if something is over complimentary to my ego it must be the less likely situation.
Now my present situation is a problem. I can immediately come to the conclusion that I am not the first to feel betrayed and abandoned by God. Even Christ felt that way, as did David, Solomon, and of course Job. This does not mean that my situation has bearing on other people's. The thinking is that God is better than to do this to large amounts of people. Heck I could take the lack of feedback on this blog as a sign that while others observe my situation they find no relevant material within. God be praised perhaps I am the only person at the moment alive who has the concurrent situation of knowing that there is a God and being spurned by him. Others perhaps would have given up on God. If I could I would. It's like if I could point a gun at my head and fire I would, because it's a good fucking idea. Unfortunately neither are compatible with who I am. Others still would have received an answer from God. Ah, answer is not the right word. He answers every prayer. Visible response perhaps?
I don't know. I'm so sick of him. This is familiar, because we can love and yet be utterly sick at the sight of someone. Sometimes in the past I have been fed up with my family members. Yet I still love them. I still couldn't imagine life without them. It pains me to dislike my creator whom I love (remember Love is a choice), I long to reconcile. The road is unclear. I don't think that I can reason my way out. It's a matter of the heart. So I must continue to seek him, beg for his healing and wisdom. One day I will find wisdom, because even though material matters are not important, wisdom appears to be important even to God. Where your treasure is there will your heart be also, and wisdom is treasure beyond any other. None can remove wisdom that has taken root.
Perhaps I need to return to the root of the tree of why I made my request, so that I could seek with all my heart and mind. So that I would not need to be concerned with petty work, strained by petty finances and surrounded by those that would take my safety from me. Maybe in understanding why my heart longs for that I can figure out how to regard his silence.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
correction to yesterday's post
I would go back and edit, but this is a log of my progress, yesterday already exists as a moment in time. God has pointed out that I do in fact depend on him. I can't dispute that. He's become an integral part of my functioning. My point stands that he doesn't have to be.
Consider this a cautionary tale, when you enter into contracts with those more powerful than you. This is my testimony, if you can do without God, or do with very little God, do that. More God does not fix a damn thing, it just leads to knowing you're wrong when you rebel, knowing you fall short, and loving him despite his continued..... emotionally unstable behavior. He does alot, he helps me find stuff, he provides easier work and more pliant people, but it comes at a cost. His mercy and grace cannot be denied, anyone who has lived with it must admit it. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean he gives a damn about my goals, or desires. Not even what I thought were my needs. He cares about keeping me alive to use later, and his grand plan. He hides behind the claim that it is all for my good... which we'll be able to verify or deny when actual proof appears. As of now I am infinitely more tired for his meddling. I regret much more, when I once lived without the pointless emotion of regret. I feel guilt when I'm contrary to him. I have become humble in my way towards him. Yet I am still me, and the part of me that remembers what pleasure felt like misses not needing him.... actually what I miss is not being tortured and promised things that may be delivered at a future date. I am still holding to that I put more on the line in this relationship. I am at his mercy and I take all the risk. He remains all powerful, always right, and would not hurt(well, be damaged, I have no idea if he can feel pain, the bible claims he can) if I could turn from him. There are no random or directed attacks which can threaten is existence on this plain. He is, he's a fact in the universe, not something that exists temporarily.
I just wish knowing him made things better. I wish I had never gone this way, but as I am at full commit, and I hold to MY word, this is my path. Don't go this way, it's crap, go make lots of money... at least you'll get cool cars and houses. I just get creative new ephemeral sensations and experiences that vary from pleasurable to painful beyond my previous definitions of pain. God has made sure I learned more of pain that anyone born to my station EVER would have been. And I thank him, because thanks to him I can tell you don't. Thanks to him I can tell you that Taoism and drugs offer as much peace, materialism offers more immediate rewards, and worship of self means you'll always have a loyal friend. God's rewards are mostly transient and out of reach in this reality. In the next world... we'll see I suppose.
Consider this a cautionary tale, when you enter into contracts with those more powerful than you. This is my testimony, if you can do without God, or do with very little God, do that. More God does not fix a damn thing, it just leads to knowing you're wrong when you rebel, knowing you fall short, and loving him despite his continued..... emotionally unstable behavior. He does alot, he helps me find stuff, he provides easier work and more pliant people, but it comes at a cost. His mercy and grace cannot be denied, anyone who has lived with it must admit it. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean he gives a damn about my goals, or desires. Not even what I thought were my needs. He cares about keeping me alive to use later, and his grand plan. He hides behind the claim that it is all for my good... which we'll be able to verify or deny when actual proof appears. As of now I am infinitely more tired for his meddling. I regret much more, when I once lived without the pointless emotion of regret. I feel guilt when I'm contrary to him. I have become humble in my way towards him. Yet I am still me, and the part of me that remembers what pleasure felt like misses not needing him.... actually what I miss is not being tortured and promised things that may be delivered at a future date. I am still holding to that I put more on the line in this relationship. I am at his mercy and I take all the risk. He remains all powerful, always right, and would not hurt(well, be damaged, I have no idea if he can feel pain, the bible claims he can) if I could turn from him. There are no random or directed attacks which can threaten is existence on this plain. He is, he's a fact in the universe, not something that exists temporarily.
I just wish knowing him made things better. I wish I had never gone this way, but as I am at full commit, and I hold to MY word, this is my path. Don't go this way, it's crap, go make lots of money... at least you'll get cool cars and houses. I just get creative new ephemeral sensations and experiences that vary from pleasurable to painful beyond my previous definitions of pain. God has made sure I learned more of pain that anyone born to my station EVER would have been. And I thank him, because thanks to him I can tell you don't. Thanks to him I can tell you that Taoism and drugs offer as much peace, materialism offers more immediate rewards, and worship of self means you'll always have a loyal friend. God's rewards are mostly transient and out of reach in this reality. In the next world... we'll see I suppose.
into the unknown
I don't know where I am anymore. I had to let go of everything. To start with I'm a pretty detached fella, I have an escape plan that I'm slowly putting back together... more on that another time. I've just reached a point with God that.... it's not that I don't believe, I just don't fucking care anymore. I believe he can do anything, but what fucking difference does that make to me? If he doesn't do it, it doesn't make even the tiniest difference.
Here is the breakdown of the problem: requests. I had lived under the impression that God, having the power and the will would provide something better in terms of lifestyle. Turns out the verses I was resting that belief on... weren't about what I thought they were. I often quoted a part of Luke (the ask, seek, etc verse), and it turns out that was about the holy spirit. The "don't worry about stuff, I got it" verse talks about letting go of earthly possessions, where your treasure is, so will your heart be. So I can't allow my treasure to be a... THING. Which pretty much leaves moments, memories, experience.
I find him.... unnecessary in my personal life given a number of facts: The existence of certain quite effective mind altering drugs. My own self confidence which does not require a deity to verify it. In fact if I was seeking for my self worth his response to me would show me how little worth I have. He just doesn't have anything for me at the moment.
Every miracle I have tracked down in the present documented time period is explainable by will power. I've lost count of how many times I have heard of God finding someone a job.... when they are looking for a job. If you get what you are looking for while you are actively looking for it, that's simple cause and effect. Cause leading to effect isn't a miracle, that's part of the nature of time. Same for finding a great spouse.
I still believe in him, and yes I have experienced his work and influence. However even though we can assume that given his control over matter and the universe in general, money and resources seem to be very much something he is not interested in. Security either, probably because it lessens people's dependence on him. I can appreciate that in general, but here's the problem: never manipulate a manipulator. Sure it works short term, but long term they're going to figure it out. As a student of the nature of the mind I look for weakness. My weakness is the most suspect of all. I actually do very little breaking others down anymore, most of my manipulation is keeping them from manipulating me. Further he doesn't NEED to manipulate me through pulling strings, we have an ongoing agreement that if he ASKS directly for something he gets it from me.
Sometimes relationships require boundaries. If I need to draw this boundary I will. This is of course all analysis based on the current situation, 5 years of waiting for an answer, no answer. My belief is not required for his word to come true. Evidence is in the situation of Abraham, Sarah laughed and got pregnant anyway. Abraham doubted to the point that he went and got someone else pregnant. I don't know how to avoid the obvious mistake, which is trying to make God's plan happen yourself when God has a plan. All I can do is pray for doors to shut in directions of me trying to take his place.
Granted, and this is just a logical problem, it is awfully hard for God to be God in a situation when he and his "timing" take so long that people will find other things to do. I mean if God promised you a car, the perfect car, would it be sinful to go buy a car to get by? I don't know, I'm not God. I am however used to figuring things out on my own. I just miss being used to my fullest ability. I mean, I like any work (in general), but this is nothing compared to being top of my game. There's nothing to compare to working somewhere that you are the best at what you do. The work itself is the reward. I'm not saying I want to do that work again, I already mastered it... so there was nowhere on that road left to go. I haven't mastered the whole gas industry yet, there are still places to go, so until something better comes along I'm going to do it, it is more profitable (monetarily) than anything I've ever done in my life. Less work (especially mentally) for more money.... I don't know what I would do had I the choice between fulfillment and money.... probably depends on the fringe benefits. For example no amount of per diam pay would be enough to make me enjoy living in this house, in this neighborhood for life. Same goes for fulfilling work(because I have had the most rewarding work I've ever heard of, and it didn't make me want to stay here). I won't know until I'm there... and I can't be sure I ever will be.
My intelligence is a resource that can be counted on, and one thing you can bank on is that my mind will dig a way out of WHATEVER trap you put me in.
Here is the breakdown of the problem: requests. I had lived under the impression that God, having the power and the will would provide something better in terms of lifestyle. Turns out the verses I was resting that belief on... weren't about what I thought they were. I often quoted a part of Luke (the ask, seek, etc verse), and it turns out that was about the holy spirit. The "don't worry about stuff, I got it" verse talks about letting go of earthly possessions, where your treasure is, so will your heart be. So I can't allow my treasure to be a... THING. Which pretty much leaves moments, memories, experience.
I find him.... unnecessary in my personal life given a number of facts: The existence of certain quite effective mind altering drugs. My own self confidence which does not require a deity to verify it. In fact if I was seeking for my self worth his response to me would show me how little worth I have. He just doesn't have anything for me at the moment.
Every miracle I have tracked down in the present documented time period is explainable by will power. I've lost count of how many times I have heard of God finding someone a job.... when they are looking for a job. If you get what you are looking for while you are actively looking for it, that's simple cause and effect. Cause leading to effect isn't a miracle, that's part of the nature of time. Same for finding a great spouse.
I still believe in him, and yes I have experienced his work and influence. However even though we can assume that given his control over matter and the universe in general, money and resources seem to be very much something he is not interested in. Security either, probably because it lessens people's dependence on him. I can appreciate that in general, but here's the problem: never manipulate a manipulator. Sure it works short term, but long term they're going to figure it out. As a student of the nature of the mind I look for weakness. My weakness is the most suspect of all. I actually do very little breaking others down anymore, most of my manipulation is keeping them from manipulating me. Further he doesn't NEED to manipulate me through pulling strings, we have an ongoing agreement that if he ASKS directly for something he gets it from me.
Sometimes relationships require boundaries. If I need to draw this boundary I will. This is of course all analysis based on the current situation, 5 years of waiting for an answer, no answer. My belief is not required for his word to come true. Evidence is in the situation of Abraham, Sarah laughed and got pregnant anyway. Abraham doubted to the point that he went and got someone else pregnant. I don't know how to avoid the obvious mistake, which is trying to make God's plan happen yourself when God has a plan. All I can do is pray for doors to shut in directions of me trying to take his place.
Granted, and this is just a logical problem, it is awfully hard for God to be God in a situation when he and his "timing" take so long that people will find other things to do. I mean if God promised you a car, the perfect car, would it be sinful to go buy a car to get by? I don't know, I'm not God. I am however used to figuring things out on my own. I just miss being used to my fullest ability. I mean, I like any work (in general), but this is nothing compared to being top of my game. There's nothing to compare to working somewhere that you are the best at what you do. The work itself is the reward. I'm not saying I want to do that work again, I already mastered it... so there was nowhere on that road left to go. I haven't mastered the whole gas industry yet, there are still places to go, so until something better comes along I'm going to do it, it is more profitable (monetarily) than anything I've ever done in my life. Less work (especially mentally) for more money.... I don't know what I would do had I the choice between fulfillment and money.... probably depends on the fringe benefits. For example no amount of per diam pay would be enough to make me enjoy living in this house, in this neighborhood for life. Same goes for fulfilling work(because I have had the most rewarding work I've ever heard of, and it didn't make me want to stay here). I won't know until I'm there... and I can't be sure I ever will be.
My intelligence is a resource that can be counted on, and one thing you can bank on is that my mind will dig a way out of WHATEVER trap you put me in.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
how's this for weird?
Here's my weird past 24 hours, highlights:
Existential angst... didn't want to go back to work, or even be in Oklahoma... etc
Had a real 'come to Jesus' moment with my spirituality in which I realized that while I long for a spirituality like David, Joseph, Samuel, or even Solomon... Job and Jonah are the ones I'm closer to.
I'm not saying I don't seek God with all I am like the first four (well, at least three). I'm saying that what defines spirituality is two part: how you treat God and how God treats you.
Reading Job, I identify with it. I feel that agony, though I do manage to escape from time to time and praise God despite my problems. Another thing I realized is that you can love God and absolutely hate your life. You can hate God's plan and love God. Because we know that God represents justice, love, and that he can (and often will) bail us out. At some point hopelessness though I had to accept that he might not save me this time. I begged for death and at the same time felt no bitterness. Life has been good. Not NOW, not recently. I totally agree with Job that I would prefer that God had killed me off before my life started than letting it end this way. My point is however that even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I love him. I don't need him to save me in order to love him. Note what I'm saying: my love for him doesn't depend on his miracle. I absolutely need him to do that. Yet I understand now that what I need doesn't always fit into the plan. People die, people never see the sun again, and all those people God loved too. People starve and get tortured, yet God still loves them. Can he do something different? Absolutely, as far as I know. Can he do what I asked him? Yep. Will he? Do I look like God?! How would I know? I think so, it seems like a good idea to me. It's his show however. I could fill a book with all the different ways I've said this, different moods I've been in saying it, etc.
This morning a quote made me cry, and it popped into my head: "If I cannot give you comfort, then at least I bring you hope." Which is from the film Toys. It pretty much typifies what I feel like God is saying. I'm not even sure I understand.
The day was a complete slog, I pulled out what I had to.
The weirdest part? I'm kind of sad I'm not working tomorrow, and yes I could if I wanted to. I won't though, I have other battles to fight.
Existential angst... didn't want to go back to work, or even be in Oklahoma... etc
Had a real 'come to Jesus' moment with my spirituality in which I realized that while I long for a spirituality like David, Joseph, Samuel, or even Solomon... Job and Jonah are the ones I'm closer to.
I'm not saying I don't seek God with all I am like the first four (well, at least three). I'm saying that what defines spirituality is two part: how you treat God and how God treats you.
Reading Job, I identify with it. I feel that agony, though I do manage to escape from time to time and praise God despite my problems. Another thing I realized is that you can love God and absolutely hate your life. You can hate God's plan and love God. Because we know that God represents justice, love, and that he can (and often will) bail us out. At some point hopelessness though I had to accept that he might not save me this time. I begged for death and at the same time felt no bitterness. Life has been good. Not NOW, not recently. I totally agree with Job that I would prefer that God had killed me off before my life started than letting it end this way. My point is however that even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I love him. I don't need him to save me in order to love him. Note what I'm saying: my love for him doesn't depend on his miracle. I absolutely need him to do that. Yet I understand now that what I need doesn't always fit into the plan. People die, people never see the sun again, and all those people God loved too. People starve and get tortured, yet God still loves them. Can he do something different? Absolutely, as far as I know. Can he do what I asked him? Yep. Will he? Do I look like God?! How would I know? I think so, it seems like a good idea to me. It's his show however. I could fill a book with all the different ways I've said this, different moods I've been in saying it, etc.
This morning a quote made me cry, and it popped into my head: "If I cannot give you comfort, then at least I bring you hope." Which is from the film Toys. It pretty much typifies what I feel like God is saying. I'm not even sure I understand.
The day was a complete slog, I pulled out what I had to.
The weirdest part? I'm kind of sad I'm not working tomorrow, and yes I could if I wanted to. I won't though, I have other battles to fight.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
the war continues
I've stated it before, but it bears repeating that there is a major persecution of the poor in this country. Actually, I'm not certain about the rest of the country, but in Oklahoma the persecution is alive and well. My neighbors are using the city to attack me over that I can't fit my truck in my garage, and it's broken. There's a laundry list of complaints which amounts to "stop trying to pay the bank back, stop fighting ALL your other battles or we'll load more debt on you"
I've been working, fighting, praying, and I don't know what else to do. If I was alone I would buy a gun and kill myself, right now. I would rather put a bullet through my head than live in this awful place with these terrible people. But since I have people who would miss me I'm not allowed that luxury. God has some reason for forcing me to stay alive. Forcing me to live here. I wouldn't call it hell, there are nice things here. It's just soul crushing, and that's not the chemicals talking, it's that I've been fighting for 5 years to stay alive and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like it's me vs the world. I'm tired of having to stretch my faith to believe God will have an answer for this hopeless situation. I'm tired of needing other's prayers, when answering the first prayer I prayed 5 years ago now, fulfilling the vision he gave me would make all the other needs filled. He has the ability, he has the will, we just keep waiting on the timing.
News flash, I don't know how to last long enough to reach his damn timing. It seems like this waiting will last a lifetime, and I don't know how long before mine runs out. It's all I can do some days to keep from stepping into traffic. Does he care? Of course... yet what are his actions? Heck if I know, I just work here.
I've been working, fighting, praying, and I don't know what else to do. If I was alone I would buy a gun and kill myself, right now. I would rather put a bullet through my head than live in this awful place with these terrible people. But since I have people who would miss me I'm not allowed that luxury. God has some reason for forcing me to stay alive. Forcing me to live here. I wouldn't call it hell, there are nice things here. It's just soul crushing, and that's not the chemicals talking, it's that I've been fighting for 5 years to stay alive and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like it's me vs the world. I'm tired of having to stretch my faith to believe God will have an answer for this hopeless situation. I'm tired of needing other's prayers, when answering the first prayer I prayed 5 years ago now, fulfilling the vision he gave me would make all the other needs filled. He has the ability, he has the will, we just keep waiting on the timing.
News flash, I don't know how to last long enough to reach his damn timing. It seems like this waiting will last a lifetime, and I don't know how long before mine runs out. It's all I can do some days to keep from stepping into traffic. Does he care? Of course... yet what are his actions? Heck if I know, I just work here.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
What point is there?
I feel totally empty. I'm sick of this stupid thing. I didn't estimate right and now I'm plodding along, doing as well as I damn can and it doesn't make a difference. I'm waiting for God to show and it's been 5 years, it could be another 15, it could be 35, it could be longer than I'm going to live. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired of existing. I'm tired of being just a sack of rock waiting to be processed. What's left to do? Seriously. I've bought every damn thing I want to within my income ability. I've had as much sex, drugs, parties, good times, bad times, I'm just totally at my fill for this particular situation. I don't want anymore.
Waiting. Waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting and hoping. Hoping and crying. Alone.
Waiting. Waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting and hoping. Hoping and crying. Alone.
Friday, August 7, 2015
The claim: latest in the saga of my ex wife
She had the balls to come to my mom at her office, to complain about how hard this situation has been on her. Now here is where it gets interesting, my folks think she's full of it but one thing stood out. Her new husband stands to lose his security clearance if SHE gets pulled down with me. If true, well it's about as good as it gets as far as potential revenge. I have long enjoyed knowing that if I fall she gets pulled down with me, credit destruction and all. Given that I don't NEED to survive this, I find joy knowing that for once bad things will happen and she would pay for it.
This is greater justice, if I do fail, her whole damn family is going down. I mean it's not QUITE an eye for an eye (that would mean she lost her sanity and vision for the future.... or death, I still hold that death is kinder than what she did to me). Yet it is something.
It does not change my plans in the slightest for a few reasons. Reason one is that I don't intend to fail. I intend to win. I'm still betting on God to pull out the big guns. The best revenge of all is winning. The best revenge I can ever pay her is for her to see how much better my life is now. How her cruelty led to my spiritual quest. And how my spiritual quest led to greater things. That will reward me much greater. And it is more certain to hurt any part of her with feeling left for me.
Reason two is that who knows if it really would ruin her family. Frankly I don't care, the only news I want to hear from or about her is her imminent demise or divorce. Neither seems likely to happen (though I'm certain that losing his security clearance caused some friction in their marriage). I also have an idealistic view of the thing. That's actually the third reason. She needs to set up her own fall. Then everyone she has hurt can laugh the pure laugh of "Yeah, that can happen when you fuck up other people's lives".
And of course it's possible she's sought out forgiveness from God. I've tried to forgive her, and it will be more final when I finally never have to hear from her again. In which case, who cares. She's a damaged person who damages others... aren't we all? Yes, she did a particular number on me, but I did choose to let her into my heart and my life. My mistake. I've spent my life trying to atone for it by loving others, and telling my cautionary tale. One day I will be grateful for it, the day I win, and I can see that every step towards winning started with what she did. The scars become markers of the road to glory. Only God can turn hurt into victory, and turn our failures into testimony. I believe that day is coming. I've been waiting 5 years and I'm further than I was.
This is greater justice, if I do fail, her whole damn family is going down. I mean it's not QUITE an eye for an eye (that would mean she lost her sanity and vision for the future.... or death, I still hold that death is kinder than what she did to me). Yet it is something.
It does not change my plans in the slightest for a few reasons. Reason one is that I don't intend to fail. I intend to win. I'm still betting on God to pull out the big guns. The best revenge of all is winning. The best revenge I can ever pay her is for her to see how much better my life is now. How her cruelty led to my spiritual quest. And how my spiritual quest led to greater things. That will reward me much greater. And it is more certain to hurt any part of her with feeling left for me.
Reason two is that who knows if it really would ruin her family. Frankly I don't care, the only news I want to hear from or about her is her imminent demise or divorce. Neither seems likely to happen (though I'm certain that losing his security clearance caused some friction in their marriage). I also have an idealistic view of the thing. That's actually the third reason. She needs to set up her own fall. Then everyone she has hurt can laugh the pure laugh of "Yeah, that can happen when you fuck up other people's lives".
And of course it's possible she's sought out forgiveness from God. I've tried to forgive her, and it will be more final when I finally never have to hear from her again. In which case, who cares. She's a damaged person who damages others... aren't we all? Yes, she did a particular number on me, but I did choose to let her into my heart and my life. My mistake. I've spent my life trying to atone for it by loving others, and telling my cautionary tale. One day I will be grateful for it, the day I win, and I can see that every step towards winning started with what she did. The scars become markers of the road to glory. Only God can turn hurt into victory, and turn our failures into testimony. I believe that day is coming. I've been waiting 5 years and I'm further than I was.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Terrorists vs the rest of us
I know I've ranted about this before, but as long as they keep doing it I'll keep ranting over it. Republicans in congress are once again threatening to shut the government down, this time over planned parenthood. So, in case you are missing the logical gap here:
What they are saying is that how unhappy they are that women can receive healthcare that they are willing to hold the country hostage, AGAIN. HOW THE FUCK DO WE KEEP ELECTING THESE CLOWNS? I'm not an ultra liberal, I don't think democrats are always right, and I don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm not even the most out there feminist, though I do want equal pay and equal access to health care. However this is a trend, using terrorist tactics over healthcare. What they are saying, in essence, is that they will shut down everything if they don't get their way. Is this an appropriate way for an adult... a LAWMAKER?! to act?! I say "LAWMAKER?!" because it is questionable to call republican senators lawmakers. That's like calling a butcher a cow breeder... They're just terrorist trolls.
Here's another funny thing, Donald Trump has jumped on the bandwagon. He has made his public policy if there is an awful thing to say, be it racist, generally bigotted or ill advised he's going to be the furthest out there.
So my advice to them? Do it, show us all what terrorist assholes you are. Eventually we'll get you out of office. Keep going further, because it's going to get bad before people won't put up with it anymore. If Trump wins the nomination he'll automatically have a respectable chance of being elected president. Then we'll find out what it's like having a president further right than George W Bush. Gold sales will go up (and I wouldn't doubt that Trump is well diversified in Gold). Wait, that's it, I cracked the code. Trump is not actually interested politics. He just bought tons of stock in things that go up when a huge fucking recession hits, and the only way to be SURE it happens is to run for president.
Well, at least someone will benefit, right? I mean it's not like our country cares enough to fight this. Honestly it's like the whole country has clinical depression and keeps electing people to try and kill itself. Then it comes out for a few years and tries to recover... but some inner part just loves the look of that gun. It loves the look of that Trump (or Bush) recession. Sometimes it's easier to be sick.
What they are saying is that how unhappy they are that women can receive healthcare that they are willing to hold the country hostage, AGAIN. HOW THE FUCK DO WE KEEP ELECTING THESE CLOWNS? I'm not an ultra liberal, I don't think democrats are always right, and I don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm not even the most out there feminist, though I do want equal pay and equal access to health care. However this is a trend, using terrorist tactics over healthcare. What they are saying, in essence, is that they will shut down everything if they don't get their way. Is this an appropriate way for an adult... a LAWMAKER?! to act?! I say "LAWMAKER?!" because it is questionable to call republican senators lawmakers. That's like calling a butcher a cow breeder... They're just terrorist trolls.
Here's another funny thing, Donald Trump has jumped on the bandwagon. He has made his public policy if there is an awful thing to say, be it racist, generally bigotted or ill advised he's going to be the furthest out there.
So my advice to them? Do it, show us all what terrorist assholes you are. Eventually we'll get you out of office. Keep going further, because it's going to get bad before people won't put up with it anymore. If Trump wins the nomination he'll automatically have a respectable chance of being elected president. Then we'll find out what it's like having a president further right than George W Bush. Gold sales will go up (and I wouldn't doubt that Trump is well diversified in Gold). Wait, that's it, I cracked the code. Trump is not actually interested politics. He just bought tons of stock in things that go up when a huge fucking recession hits, and the only way to be SURE it happens is to run for president.
Well, at least someone will benefit, right? I mean it's not like our country cares enough to fight this. Honestly it's like the whole country has clinical depression and keeps electing people to try and kill itself. Then it comes out for a few years and tries to recover... but some inner part just loves the look of that gun. It loves the look of that Trump (or Bush) recession. Sometimes it's easier to be sick.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Help
I need prayer. This is a fact. I don't know how many who read here have an active prayer life, but even if you don't the fact remains. I feel like I'm in way over my head. I don't want to talk about it on Facebook... because people who want to counter my actions monitor me there.
I received direct confirmation today that God provides. He provided me tools. He helped me on a very tough day and I survived an audit by our parent company. Every step of the day he was with me, I realize now to prepare me for this. He wouldn't have prepared me for this unless he had a plan for guiding me through. Please. Your prayer will make a difference.
I received direct confirmation today that God provides. He provided me tools. He helped me on a very tough day and I survived an audit by our parent company. Every step of the day he was with me, I realize now to prepare me for this. He wouldn't have prepared me for this unless he had a plan for guiding me through. Please. Your prayer will make a difference.
Monday, July 27, 2015
stumbling forward
5 years later and it still hurts. My ability to trust was irreperably damaged. My heart ripped out of my body. 5 years later and I'm still waiting for life to make sense again. Still waiting for the God I thought I knew to return. In this wasteland, yet does God waste anything? I'm told no.
I feel like a zombie, I should have been dead so long ago, what am I doing walking around? I want to not care, but I can't be so cold. I want to act like I'm broken, but he had to heal me... I had to be a good steward of what I have. Why do I feel like I've screwed up so bad, when every step of the way I've made the best choice I could, given what I knew at the time.
Maybe I'll never have it figured out. Maybe I'll be waiting, stumbling, falling and fumbling until I fall into the grave. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm an adult human with way more education than my economic situation deserves. I made the choices. I married the woman, I bought the house, I didn't go to college earlier. I turned down the drugs in high school. I focused in the wrong area, not once but many times. The whole time I prayed, but it seems I prayed the wrong prayers.
I keep hoping he'll make it all make sense. I keep hoping today will be the day. Not because it makes sense. It doesn't make sense. Love doesn't make sense. Faith doesn't make sense. But after a lifetime of making choices that made sense at the time, it seems like being reasonable isn't that much of a ground to stand on. I feel so lost, and only one can lead me out of the wilderness. Only one can take my hand and lead me home, to a peace on earth. To tranquility and a place where dreams are more than just dreams. He can do more than even I can think of. My heart still long and hopes to see it happen.
I feel like a zombie, I should have been dead so long ago, what am I doing walking around? I want to not care, but I can't be so cold. I want to act like I'm broken, but he had to heal me... I had to be a good steward of what I have. Why do I feel like I've screwed up so bad, when every step of the way I've made the best choice I could, given what I knew at the time.
Maybe I'll never have it figured out. Maybe I'll be waiting, stumbling, falling and fumbling until I fall into the grave. I'm not sorry for myself, I'm an adult human with way more education than my economic situation deserves. I made the choices. I married the woman, I bought the house, I didn't go to college earlier. I turned down the drugs in high school. I focused in the wrong area, not once but many times. The whole time I prayed, but it seems I prayed the wrong prayers.
I keep hoping he'll make it all make sense. I keep hoping today will be the day. Not because it makes sense. It doesn't make sense. Love doesn't make sense. Faith doesn't make sense. But after a lifetime of making choices that made sense at the time, it seems like being reasonable isn't that much of a ground to stand on. I feel so lost, and only one can lead me out of the wilderness. Only one can take my hand and lead me home, to a peace on earth. To tranquility and a place where dreams are more than just dreams. He can do more than even I can think of. My heart still long and hopes to see it happen.
EU law compliance
Apparently blogger uses cookies to track stats. It also appears that the EU has passed a law that I need to let you know that. So I just did. I didn't build the platform, and I don't know if you can see the notice blogger claims to have put up. This is my due diligence. If you don't trust google then don't browse blogger, or youtube... or any google site.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
The other side of the swing
This blog essentially exists to document my.... journey of the mind. Which sounds more exciting than it is. Realistically most of my brain cells are occupied with 3 things:
Minecraft
Harry Potter (this month, last month was the Foundation series by Asimov)
Anodes and hitting quota
However I do despite my inane existence still have idealistic values, spiritual development and dreams. Today marks some interesting points.
1. First new area in over a month. I got sent to south Tulsa today, though I'm still clearing north Tulsa.
2. I hate my feeble and meaningless day to day.
3. Somehow I totally trust that God will find a way.
The third is the most interesting to me. I remember quite clearly feeling total doubt as to his interest or ability to change or effect my life. Yet now I don't feel that way. Not even a little. In disregard to the facts of the matter that on the surface nothing is changing, my faith remains.
I've come to view this as a marathon that will end with either success or death. Days, weeks, months and even years may be viewed as legs of the journey. The funny part (or the deadly soulsucking part, depending on which side I'm on) is that we have no idea how long this journey will last.
I have stated in the past in both moods that the greatest comfort is that there is an end to the journey. It must be added that the greatest frustration is the lack of knowledge or even tools to gather knowledge as to length of... well sentence. It is much as a prison sentence. I'm trapped against my will..... I don't want to wallow.
At times such as today I feel most positive and affirmative as to the action of the Lord. As previously pointed out this is in the face of evidence. When such a mood takes me I am inevitably drawn to the conclusion that God's action is coming shortly. My duty is to observe that though I have felt so many times, the action has still yet to be. So that we must observe that my conclusion of the immediateness of his love is a creation of my mind, or at the very least a bit of misinformation directed to undermine my relationship with the Lord.
It of course does not need to be immediate. First off I'm quite good at self preservation despite my crying to the Lord to free me from certain agony, the agony is mental, the imprisonment is philosophical and his action seems far more tied to the actual nature of things.
The nature of the journey is more related to ancient sea voyages than a road trip. There is no damn map. The distances though definite are not able to be traveled at a constant speed. In fact I am entirely surrounded by fog. I don't know if I am in the windless place in the center, if I am near the beginning as I remain quite young, or very near the end.
So, yeah. God's got it figured out and one of these days I will get out of him something definite. I might be dead and standing judgement, but even standing judgement would be something definite wouldn't it? It is my eager hope that as I have attempted to seek him he will look kindly on me. Better still would be as I put my faith in Jesus that he would see clear to overlook my mistakes.
And there you are.
Minecraft
Harry Potter (this month, last month was the Foundation series by Asimov)
Anodes and hitting quota
However I do despite my inane existence still have idealistic values, spiritual development and dreams. Today marks some interesting points.
1. First new area in over a month. I got sent to south Tulsa today, though I'm still clearing north Tulsa.
2. I hate my feeble and meaningless day to day.
3. Somehow I totally trust that God will find a way.
The third is the most interesting to me. I remember quite clearly feeling total doubt as to his interest or ability to change or effect my life. Yet now I don't feel that way. Not even a little. In disregard to the facts of the matter that on the surface nothing is changing, my faith remains.
I've come to view this as a marathon that will end with either success or death. Days, weeks, months and even years may be viewed as legs of the journey. The funny part (or the deadly soulsucking part, depending on which side I'm on) is that we have no idea how long this journey will last.
I have stated in the past in both moods that the greatest comfort is that there is an end to the journey. It must be added that the greatest frustration is the lack of knowledge or even tools to gather knowledge as to length of... well sentence. It is much as a prison sentence. I'm trapped against my will..... I don't want to wallow.
At times such as today I feel most positive and affirmative as to the action of the Lord. As previously pointed out this is in the face of evidence. When such a mood takes me I am inevitably drawn to the conclusion that God's action is coming shortly. My duty is to observe that though I have felt so many times, the action has still yet to be. So that we must observe that my conclusion of the immediateness of his love is a creation of my mind, or at the very least a bit of misinformation directed to undermine my relationship with the Lord.
It of course does not need to be immediate. First off I'm quite good at self preservation despite my crying to the Lord to free me from certain agony, the agony is mental, the imprisonment is philosophical and his action seems far more tied to the actual nature of things.
The nature of the journey is more related to ancient sea voyages than a road trip. There is no damn map. The distances though definite are not able to be traveled at a constant speed. In fact I am entirely surrounded by fog. I don't know if I am in the windless place in the center, if I am near the beginning as I remain quite young, or very near the end.
So, yeah. God's got it figured out and one of these days I will get out of him something definite. I might be dead and standing judgement, but even standing judgement would be something definite wouldn't it? It is my eager hope that as I have attempted to seek him he will look kindly on me. Better still would be as I put my faith in Jesus that he would see clear to overlook my mistakes.
And there you are.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Towards spiritual oubliette
The outside world is nothing to me. Once again for at least the third time in my life I descend and drop out of the world. Here are the steps for anyone else wanting to:
Step 1:Escape
Find things to totally occupy your thoughts. It can be anything. Books are great, so are drugs, sleep, sex, rock and roll, you get the idea. For me it is books and video games. This isn't to be confused with actually being enthusiastic about the escape item. The escape item allows the user to be dead to the world. The escape item keeps a healthy mind occupied when trying to have a normal life would be madness.
Step 2:Detach
Let go of everything you thought mattered. Sometimes we can't let go of our..... day to day habits. Like work. But if you have planned well these things don't require emotional involvement. The ironic thing is that the less emotionally involved you become the easier things go outside.
Step 3:maintain
This is the hardest step. Every day you have to get up and continue not to give a shit. Every time someone tries to compel you to care, don't. Every time you have to give up a substance you have to keep the same lack of involvement. Change is unavoidable. Caring is. Living is.
We're all just drifting through, cast aside tools of a Deity beyond our comprehension. What is a faithful man to do? A faithful man is as meat that must be kept fresh. Working the meat keeps it fresh. Freezing is also an option. When the owner of the meat is not hungry, it must be preserved. "One day" the meat says to itself "One day I will be of use."
As long as we draw breath there is hope, but hope unfulfilled is deadly.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Our duty is to faith. Our duty is to do the best we can with what we have. The best I can is to retreat. An answer will come. Even if that answer is death, an answer that will still be. If I die without anything productive then there are two possabilities:
A life of faith is futile(because we can't know until it is over)
I never understood, despite seeking wisdom I was wrong beyond wrong about what life was about.
As I said, retreat into the oubliette of my soul. Perhaps I will find enlightenment in the wilderness, perhaps I will die there. Either way interesting times lie ahead.
Step 1:Escape
Find things to totally occupy your thoughts. It can be anything. Books are great, so are drugs, sleep, sex, rock and roll, you get the idea. For me it is books and video games. This isn't to be confused with actually being enthusiastic about the escape item. The escape item allows the user to be dead to the world. The escape item keeps a healthy mind occupied when trying to have a normal life would be madness.
Step 2:Detach
Let go of everything you thought mattered. Sometimes we can't let go of our..... day to day habits. Like work. But if you have planned well these things don't require emotional involvement. The ironic thing is that the less emotionally involved you become the easier things go outside.
Step 3:maintain
This is the hardest step. Every day you have to get up and continue not to give a shit. Every time someone tries to compel you to care, don't. Every time you have to give up a substance you have to keep the same lack of involvement. Change is unavoidable. Caring is. Living is.
We're all just drifting through, cast aside tools of a Deity beyond our comprehension. What is a faithful man to do? A faithful man is as meat that must be kept fresh. Working the meat keeps it fresh. Freezing is also an option. When the owner of the meat is not hungry, it must be preserved. "One day" the meat says to itself "One day I will be of use."
As long as we draw breath there is hope, but hope unfulfilled is deadly.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Our duty is to faith. Our duty is to do the best we can with what we have. The best I can is to retreat. An answer will come. Even if that answer is death, an answer that will still be. If I die without anything productive then there are two possabilities:
A life of faith is futile(because we can't know until it is over)
I never understood, despite seeking wisdom I was wrong beyond wrong about what life was about.
As I said, retreat into the oubliette of my soul. Perhaps I will find enlightenment in the wilderness, perhaps I will die there. Either way interesting times lie ahead.
Where relationships go wrong
Many years after my divorce and I still keep going back to what went wrong. Of course it wasn't just one thing, it was multiple things.
I was listening to a book and some guy completely screwing up a date. I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, there was irrationality on her side. The point is that I recognised the mistakes because I made them. The problem was expectations. I picked this up at a marriage seminar I went to 6 months before mine imploded. It would appear that there are two keys to a successful relationship: communication and expectations.
When I was a younger man I did not have a clue how women worked. Today I still don't, but I understand some rules. Honesty is a big fat pile of horseshit, for starters. I'll elaborate: when I think honesty I think Boy Scout classic rules of chivalry style honesty. It ONLY works if you always do every little thing the way you want others to see it.
The big mistake I made with honesty is oversharing with Lindsay. By the time we'd known each other a year she knew every secret and where all the bodies were buried, and I thought I knew the same amount about her. I don't think I did, I think she edited because in my experience almost everyone edits. Women in my experience are attracted to a sense of mystery. I ruined all of it way too early.
The kind of honesty that works(apparently) is what I call "answer any question" honesty. I have sworn an oath to be honest and not deceptive. I keep my promises. However just because I have to be honest doesn't mean I tell everyone everything. Sometimes I tell people most of the truth(customers and companies especially), with a good dash of that certain things are true from certain points of view. The rest I tell what I feel like and let them ask about anything else. I have more than a decade of adult life behind me, and it would take me years to tell all my stories. Most of my stories aren't even worth sharing(too depressing). To keep my honor pure I answer direct questions with true answers.
It started in recovery, a christian recovery if you can believe it. They told us in group that sharing completely was best done in group, and that our spouses and families wouldn't understand. It took years for this to make sense to me. I mean, my wife would understand everything about me... she's my wife... she loves me.... Love only goes so far, and marriage doesn't mean unconditional support anymore. Part of growing up is learning just because one person has honor doesn't mean anyone else does.
Expectations though are the real big guns of relationships. Take my current set up. My fiance expects a level of emotional involvement I can do any day. She expects a very rational level of support and intimacy. She loves me very much. I expect rational things of her, she does her best, and I love her very much.
Things weren't always so, because I didn't know how to set the expectation. The minute the first date starts expectations are in flux. Most of it is unspoken and I call it "the relationship contract". Where guys get caught up is trying to impress a lady. They pull a politician move and promise high. Which will impress and catch a certain kind of lady. I have never understood some men's attraction to spoiling naive women. They are convinced they need to lie to go to bed with a lady. I have never needed to lie to go to bed with a woman, though I've met a few who lied to me.
When you're setting up the relationship contract who you are is on the table. Women are attracted to confident men. Confident men see what they want and go for it. If you try for the big sale but aren't selling what is essentially you, women can sense it. Some will give you the time to prove them wrong, but even then you're running against an impossible standard.
If you say you have money, they're going to want you to pay for things all the time. If you portray yourself as compassionate they expect you to be in touch with their feelings. Many of them start building out a narrative of expectations they have. They want a house, they want kids, they want you to buy them a car. As soon as you step off script it is very hard to regain footing, if not impossible.
Summing it up, don't promise what you can't deliver. There are plenty of women out there who all you have to say is something to the effect of "I like sex, you are very attractive and I would enjoy doing it with you. I don't intend to form an emotional bond or relationship, let's just have some fun." Believe it, I've done it and it works(worked, I've been in a relationship for a few years, but women don't change.)
I was listening to a book and some guy completely screwing up a date. I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, there was irrationality on her side. The point is that I recognised the mistakes because I made them. The problem was expectations. I picked this up at a marriage seminar I went to 6 months before mine imploded. It would appear that there are two keys to a successful relationship: communication and expectations.
When I was a younger man I did not have a clue how women worked. Today I still don't, but I understand some rules. Honesty is a big fat pile of horseshit, for starters. I'll elaborate: when I think honesty I think Boy Scout classic rules of chivalry style honesty. It ONLY works if you always do every little thing the way you want others to see it.
The big mistake I made with honesty is oversharing with Lindsay. By the time we'd known each other a year she knew every secret and where all the bodies were buried, and I thought I knew the same amount about her. I don't think I did, I think she edited because in my experience almost everyone edits. Women in my experience are attracted to a sense of mystery. I ruined all of it way too early.
The kind of honesty that works(apparently) is what I call "answer any question" honesty. I have sworn an oath to be honest and not deceptive. I keep my promises. However just because I have to be honest doesn't mean I tell everyone everything. Sometimes I tell people most of the truth(customers and companies especially), with a good dash of that certain things are true from certain points of view. The rest I tell what I feel like and let them ask about anything else. I have more than a decade of adult life behind me, and it would take me years to tell all my stories. Most of my stories aren't even worth sharing(too depressing). To keep my honor pure I answer direct questions with true answers.
It started in recovery, a christian recovery if you can believe it. They told us in group that sharing completely was best done in group, and that our spouses and families wouldn't understand. It took years for this to make sense to me. I mean, my wife would understand everything about me... she's my wife... she loves me.... Love only goes so far, and marriage doesn't mean unconditional support anymore. Part of growing up is learning just because one person has honor doesn't mean anyone else does.
Expectations though are the real big guns of relationships. Take my current set up. My fiance expects a level of emotional involvement I can do any day. She expects a very rational level of support and intimacy. She loves me very much. I expect rational things of her, she does her best, and I love her very much.
Things weren't always so, because I didn't know how to set the expectation. The minute the first date starts expectations are in flux. Most of it is unspoken and I call it "the relationship contract". Where guys get caught up is trying to impress a lady. They pull a politician move and promise high. Which will impress and catch a certain kind of lady. I have never understood some men's attraction to spoiling naive women. They are convinced they need to lie to go to bed with a lady. I have never needed to lie to go to bed with a woman, though I've met a few who lied to me.
When you're setting up the relationship contract who you are is on the table. Women are attracted to confident men. Confident men see what they want and go for it. If you try for the big sale but aren't selling what is essentially you, women can sense it. Some will give you the time to prove them wrong, but even then you're running against an impossible standard.
If you say you have money, they're going to want you to pay for things all the time. If you portray yourself as compassionate they expect you to be in touch with their feelings. Many of them start building out a narrative of expectations they have. They want a house, they want kids, they want you to buy them a car. As soon as you step off script it is very hard to regain footing, if not impossible.
Summing it up, don't promise what you can't deliver. There are plenty of women out there who all you have to say is something to the effect of "I like sex, you are very attractive and I would enjoy doing it with you. I don't intend to form an emotional bond or relationship, let's just have some fun." Believe it, I've done it and it works(worked, I've been in a relationship for a few years, but women don't change.)
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