I found someone who doesn't like money: spoiler alert it's actually a business!

So today I had to grit my teeth and put up with my monthly phone call to the mortgage company, which would be awful enough, but because of my status I have been relocated to their "home retention" department.
I spent 45 minutes saying in every way I could: Take my money, I just worked 10 hours, and I'm hungry"..... yet we had to go over everything over and over again......unrelated stuff... like asking for money I can in no way promise..... it's just very clear that wanting money has nothing to do with doing business. Once you have someone trapped, by owning a portion of their assets you can do whatever you want.
Oh, and more amusing, I found out today this was only over 1 payment, so 1/12 of what I pay them a year and they have currently spent more than 80 hours harassing me over it, 15 mailers, they actually sent someone to my house to leave a note on my door. Over a relatively small amount(to them) they have spent.... quite a bit more money than seems reasonable.
But as I said, they don't like money. I have no idea what motivates them.
There, that's the entire rant, because I don't have energy to care anymore than that.

A progressive candidate: Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders announced he is running for president, and one of the first questions posed by the right was "Are Democratic voters angry enough to support Bernie Sanders for president?"
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/are-democratic-voters-angry-enough-to-support-bernie-sanders-for-president/
By right I mean to the right of Sanders, which is quite a bit of the people who control this country.
I've been watching him for years, every time both parties manage to make an ass of themselves, there he is. He's talking reasonable talk about taking care of the working class, who are after all the damn majority anyway.
So, short answer: Yes, we are quite tired of candidates that promise to take on the system, only to be weak/constantly attacked(or both). The poor in this country, and by that I mean the working poor, are tired of working hard and getting nowhere.

Long answer: Anger isn't the right word for it. To say I am angry I must feel cheated, and frankly I don't. I feel like the motivation system as it is does not work. There is no damn reason to work hard your whole life just to stay the same place your parents were. Which is why I want to drop out by 40, because I have better things to do with my life than worry about what to eat, where to sleep, and if I will have enough gas to get to work. God says to cast my cares on him, and I would like to experience a kind of security that makes that easier.

I've been crying out for change, revolutionary change, for at least the life of this blog (longer). I've been waiting for either the revolution to begin in earnest, or for change to come from within the system. I am not old enough to hold office, so I cannot be a part of the second solution. There is no viable revolution as of right now. The grassroots movements have fizzled, and it's going to take more than anger to win this battle.

Face it, the big corps aren't going to risk making us angry enough to rise up against 90% of the wealth of our country being in the hands of a small group of people and non-human entities. The Koch brothers are cool, calculating, and it is that kind of strategy that wins in the long term.

So in so many words I support Sanders. He's the best we're going to get this cycle. Yes a younger candidate would be more ideal, but Sanders has good energy, and the vitality that gives force to his message.

Jonah

Regular readers will be aware of my fondness of literary allusions. Last night I was mulling over philosophy trying to get to sleep and I came once again to the concepts from Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut. Without a doubt the book has been a major influence on both my philosophy and spiritual life. Which is odd considering he wasn't Christian.
The book starts out with references to the biblical Jonah. The author references the concept of being where you are supposed to be, and such forces being unavoidable. Later he puts it more succinctly: "Strange travel plans are dancing lessons from God." Which is to say that whenever things are going particularly oddly, perhaps there is something more going on.

It is this point that has often come out as an explanation for the immovable nature of my perceived obstacles. I think about being drawn to Shadow Mountain, how it felt as though strange hands picked me up and placed me there, then proceeded to use me to ends other than my own. Not that I did too bad myself.

Yet I had been resistant to consider my most recent career adventures as such heavenly doings, considering as they are not nurturing to my intellect or artistic soul and have continued to blunt my body and my senses. I realize now that perhaps that isn't the only way to look at it. It was while reading Foundation by Asimov that I realized that a project could be completely fraudulent and yet righteous and worth doing. An alien concept, yet in line with the Christian virtues of humility and obedience.

Because the thing is God doesn't call us to fit a mold for an ideal human(if only it were so simple), he provides the tools which bring us in line with his plan. The cutting away of self serving interest isn't easy, and it is my personal belief that it will never be complete on this plane of existence. By degrees I see his work, and though it brings me no pleasure or joy, there is a certain assured-ness in knowing that the work I do is towards purpose.

You know you're an adult when....

You know that you have reached adulthood when:
New pants are more exciting than a new movie
You enjoy doing laundry
Surviving another day is a major highlight
New furniture is exciting
You do the unpleasant without remark as a matter of habit
You can accept that there are some things you may never achieve
You can take one day at a time
You stop complaining because you are the one who makes things happen in your life
(for men) you love your shoes for their function over their looks
You can accept the fleeting nature of happiness, and take each crisis as it comes

All these things or at least some of these things are signs you are a fully functional adult. I realize there are probably more. I also realize that there are many physically mature people who will never mature mentally.

Wolves

This is my second attempt to put this in a way that.... I can put it safely.
Sometimes you just plain are not safe. Often actually the safety and peace I find is not in real security, but relative security.
So what I'm trying to say isn't totally safe, only relatively.
Now I'm speaking metaphorically, not literally. I don't want to demean anyone in actual danger for their life.
It's like running from a pack of wolves with several others trying to escape. If you are lucky (as I am) you aren't picked off early. Instead one is forced to watch as the wolves begin to tear and rip into the other humans. Granted as we share the danger, we all keep a sense of gallows humor. There is no anger or bad attitude towards the others trying to escape. However since one is not rooting for the others to fail, the empathy can create an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
I don't mean hopeless in the sense of depression or even real or total fear. I mean hopeless in terms of a lack of rational escape. Can you relate?
The detail on which the danger twists is the hunger of the wolves. They hunger for our flesh (again, remember this is a metaphor). So even as one of us watches the other fall, or have a narrow escape there is a very real sense that even though this time it wasn't us, next time who knows?

I wish I could write such things from pure imagination, but this is externally sourced. Of course at the moment identifying the source would be metephorically taunting or feeding the wolves. A smart runner does not do that. Granted in today's world who knows which wolves I speak of. Maybe you know them, or maybe it's entirely coincidental. Perhaps it is only the vanity of the human psyche that draws relationship between others emotions and ourselves. Or perhaps it has to do with the complexity of empathy, or maybe even guilt.

But of course if wolves had a healthy psyche capable of empathy...... well I'm not sure what they would be at that point. Not wolves, that's one certainty. Yet isn't that the great challenge of forgiveness? To forgive that which behaves inhumanly, empathy for the cruel, kindness to the callous and perhaps even hoping that even in the insane and demoralizing there is yet purpose.
---
Yes, I think that will do. Someday I may tell you who the wolves were, and why they hunted me.

I am dissatisfied

For so many reasons, and in so many ways. However as it deals with live humans, it can wait until it resolves, one way or another.

On a less philosophical note

I don't want the reader to get the idea that I sit around sad/reflective/philosophical all the time. It's really not often, which is reflected by my recent lack of posts.

So in a lighter note, this is what I did with Friday night to Sunday night:
I built a custom mod pack for minecraft. The basic idea was to replicate my previous pack (that has been ongoing for the past two months for 1.7.2) but in 1.7.1.

It sounded deceptively simple, but given the time it took me to initialize my old pack named Banshee, I wasn't naive to the challenges. Further this isn't my first attempt to build a 1.7.1 pack. I well and truly love extra utilities (compressed cobble, nuff said) and as well as my memories of Thermal Expansion and the rest of the mods that use that core. So it was worth another weekend to try and make that happen.

For those uninterested in the drama I succeeded, mostly.

The first challenge was gathering the mods. I had most of them hanging around my computer, including some that were cross compatible for 1.7.2 but I hadn't added yet. I have been checking the website for the above mods daily for two months, finally I decided if they weren't going to come to me, I'd come to them.

There were some losses I was ready for. One was losing compact windmills..... it's a surprisingly big loss considering it's only a 4-8 block add on for industrialcraft2. The bigger loss is in world gen. I am yet to find an ideal/dreamy world gen in 1.7.1. That's what got me stuck on 1.7.2 to begin with.

My first attempt to merge started with a fresh install. I dragged EVERY mod into the folder.... before booting. It never booted. My earlier tries had focused on finding an acceptable modpack out there (FTB is especially cool for sources) and tweak it until I had something that could work. My computer, however, can't handle most modpacks unless I build them.

So I installed and booted my new pack before adding any mods. I named it Herman in stark contrast to my previous grand names for projects based on mythic beasts. Herman is after Herman's Hermits which was an obsession of my youth. Also Herman Munster, because I love that show. So that booted, good start. Still had a dud mod, which I had to negotiate with the source over. By negotiate I mean I complained in the comments section that the download wouldn't complete, and left it alone for two hours.

The big hold outs were Modular Force Field System (along with resonant engine) and the entire DragonAPI. Neither ever cooperated.

But around Saturday I had a working pack, until I realized I was missing Waila and the buildcraft suite.... which to their credit integrated successfully. However somehow this addition caused repeated crashes.

At this point I suffered from some problems to do with my memory issues. I forgot that I only had 8 gigs of memory, and I gave up for the night.

The next day I did troubleshooting for lost memory, only to discover after taking the back off that in fact I did have 8 gigs installed. So I had to adapt to the memory I had. Somehow the entire instance corrupted (multiple times ultimately to the point that it wasn't worth repair), so I had to recreate it, a bit leaner. Still problems. I added Optifine and Fastcraft, and finally everything worked (apart from the above holdouts). I plan to enjoy it myself, but I know someday I will find a project that motivates me. Until then, this is a nice hobby.

Stoic: insights into my father

The thought occurred to me today: I have become my dad as he was when I first remembered him.

This isn't a brutal revelation, I'm well aware that I have been slowly becoming a younger version of my father (with a few differences). The big things are easy, and have been there for a long time:
we both are quiet most of the time (me less so)
 both of us have the exact same sense of humor (as did his dad I suspect)
both of us prefer independence and solitude,
both of us work as often as we can(or have at some point).

But the big difference has always been emotion. The family legend goes that my dad was as emotional as I was when he was younger. It is impossible to verify given that the only people I could interview on the subject are either dead or were too self involved at the time to give insight.

His defining characteristic is pragmatism. I swear he is the most pragmatic man not only that I have ever met, but that I have ever heard of. Even so called legends of calm have moments of public anger, sadness or tenderness. My dad doesn't. Which isn't to say he isn't very sweet, it just isn't emotional. I suppose I would describe it as dutiful, but not in a drudgery.

The insight I had is that I have become more and more pragmatic, and it has nothing to do with a lack of feeling. The past year has been defining in the manner of how I handle pain. I box it up, I deal, and I move on. In addition I have been less passionate about what I care about for the last few years. I mean I went from a relative Casanova to Owen from Gargoyles. Owen is actually a good analogy, because I understand the potential to passion still lives in me. The magic is still there. It is far removed from who I am and how I think.

So I've come to the conclusion that it is likely part of the cycle of change and maturity that the last 5 years have been full of.

I don't miss who I was. The passions I had then seem like a drug fueled craze. I think about my former adventures in romance, and I enjoy thinking of them as that. Just it doesn't seem like something I would do. I think of my ex wife, and in a stony nonfeeling way I think about how I felt on top of the world for a few years. It was a high I haven't topped, because my highest highs don't get topped, I just find new thrills. Then I think about what a mistake it was. How I let..... hormones and bad logic trick me into throwing away a free college degree, and buying a really unfortunate car.

I think about.... others. Most of them through a haze of drugged sleep and the buzz that lasted a few years. I even think about the mistaken young obsession that I wasted about 9 solid months and took me three years to clear from my head.

It didn't happen to me, not the me I am now. I've died to myself so many times, I don't even know what I am anymore. It doesn't feel human, humans react.

But it has value, if only that I better understand the passions and drives of the man who raised me.

the pragmatic approach to goals

On my drive home today I was thinking about the correct attitude towards problems.

This has been an item of meditation for several years.

I have heard that success is seeing opportunity where others see disaster, which to my training sounds like sound denial of facts and possible delusion.

Oh, I'm in a sour mood, I'm writing to deal, and I don't want to complain.

So we come back to the idea of problems.

The dictionary definition of problem is:
"a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome."
The original usage was referring to a tough riddle or academic puzzle.

Which says something to my precision, in that if problems were good they would not be problems.

Despite having a morality which very much centers on that complaining or wallowing in issues doesn't solve them, I struggle with feeling sorry for myself.

If only I could do better. Which is the definition of a pointless thought. It does nothing to move matters forward and therefor shouldn't even exist in a logical mind.

Depression and lack of good chemicals likely enter into my current weakness in regards to poor thought patterns.

I think another contributing factor is lack of direction.

Once again I evaluated my path today, and found it unsatisfactory. My goal for a path is one that brings me to contented peace in 5 years or less (sometimes 10 years..... the rewards have to be exponentially higher).

I have brought the brunt of my analytic ability against the net difference between what I think will satisfy me and my ability to acquire the needed resources.

For example, the ideal life goal I had.... which, as I try to explain, is more what I had hoped God would provide yet it seemed he was allowing me free reign to scramble for myself. Anyway, if I took out a loan today for the amount needed it would be 43k a month with a 30 year term. Which would put me at 57 and very very run down and out of resources.
I tried another calculation, in another state, a less ideal set up. 7k a month, which is achievable, but at a 30 year term........ and of course both of these rely on money I haven't seen yet (but kind of think exists).

So I'm going to start from the other end, with my resources and attempt to provide myself with the best I can from that.
I am currently worth 30k a year. I can keep going at my current rate for another 13 years. Assuming I can put back 1k a year and net 6-7k from liquidating my current investments that makes a nest egg of 17k. That's just not going to go very far, with projections of the future value of the dollar being what they are.
Oh and I couldn't even pay off my student debt with that, so forget it.
So, let's just write off this year, because if I break even I will be doing quite well.
Now, let's try another model, the engineering school model:
Negative 8k a year for 3 years, at least.
so that makes another 18k for a minimum total of 36k in debt.
70-90k gross for 9 remaining years (subtract 32k for living expenses yearly) which means a net gain of 30-50k yearly, which means debt free in two years.
7 remaining years at 30k yearly is 210k nest egg.
All the below calculations are just patently wrong because I missed some numbers. The total removed is 90k.
Which we can budget out. Assuming we go for one of the less expensive counties, we can set up homestead for 40k. 100k remaining, remove 30k for first two years food expenses waiting to become independent. 70k remaining.
Property tax is between 200 dollars and 400 a year. Let's assume I live as long as Granddad, so 50 years of property taxes. That comes to a mean 20k. Remember I'm assuming I never make another dollar for the rest of my life, that is my dream of happiness.

120k remaining. Figure whatever with what remains.

Now for the lineman option. I'm only allowing 10 years for this one. 4 years of 38k average. Which comes to 6-7k a year net gain 24k after those years. Which would make me debt free at that point. 65k a year for 6 more years, which nets 33k a year 31k a year after tax. 31 times six 180k nest egg.
which leaves 90k when all is said and done. Two solid plans. Logic wins over emotion every time.

Birthday curse episode 27, grief and sadness, and a new road

So we continue today our series on the birthday curse. For those who haven't been here my birthday is hexxed, I have been supremely dissappointed on almost every one of them I can remember, but people keep telling me "congrats", that's called irony. So this year in a bit of wonderful gift giving the Lord gave me the day off. I didn't drive (last year I wrecked my car), go to work (one year I got stranded in rural kansas in the snow), or go out and see people (that's just because I'm hateful, and it's my day dammit.)
So that was great..... I went to work on tuesday as my birthday was on a monday... We trained in Stroud that week so I decided to drive my truck. Fortunately nothing went wrong with THEM(the company).... it was all my truck.
My 96 F250 is a workhorse. I drive it all over, haul stuff, etc. But it doesn't like the highway.... so that caused bad things to happen this week... well that and that it was the week of my birthday.
I lost a battery.... blew TWO tires both because they weren't balanced (drivers side rear both times, same day)..... so that's the update. I don't fucking care... it's just the way it is.

These next two things are strung together, because all things are. My 94 year old granddad passed away Thursday 2/19/2015. I also got a new job. I'm getting emotional, let me break for a bit and we'll talk more.

Death of an industry

I have a substantial amount of frustration....... and today's punching bag is the sad state of retail.

In a way retail could learn quite a bit from the denominational church. I recently began attending a local Episcopal church and was floored by the reception I received. As we walked in the door on the cold morning I saw Boy Scouts, it was scout Sunday. As an old scout there is no way to bring warmth to my heart more than to see boys still in the program. I was greeted warmly and GENUINELY(something lacking from non denoms). As we went into the sanctuary we were settled in and slowly but surely we greeted those around us. Overall I was given a feeling of belonging, wholeness and completion from the experience.

Now I know retail isn't about worship, but it is about satisfying our base needs. Which comes to one of mine: quality electronics and parts. I live in a mid sized city and we have four places you can buy computers: Best Buy (ugh), Office Depot (ick), Staples (nah) and Walmart (don't get me started). Best Buy is the only one I'm aware of that sells extended accessories like memory and internal hard drives.

It just typifies my reaction to retail "that's nice, when you feel like stocking product marketed towards me I'll be over here with my money." Which is why money and me have a hit and miss relationship. It isn't that I can't be marketed to, just today I found an amazing find: a vintage rolling toolbox with slide out drawers. It's red, rustic, in a word... beautiful. I just saw it and.... I'd been wanting one for awhile and this one fit the need. So I bought it, even though I had to negotiate with the guy... which wasn't thrilling.

How is this too much to grasp? If I wanted cheap, poorly made carbon copies I would order online. Yet my voice seems unheard... The day will come, soon I hope, that I will have nothing I even desire to buy. Currently there are many things I require, but in addition to collecting the money for them I also need the strength to put up with retail. The remaining stores have staff that knows less about their product than I do. I would get as much trying to explain my needs to a rock.

I hope the economy dodges this blockage, but I think that people my age will continue to be unimpressed. New cars with mass recalls don't hold much appeal. Retail stores with junk on the shelves and idiots who cannot help the customer tell between the trash and treasure.

Triumphal return

So I am back from hiatus.

Short explanation:
I was in a dark place. I got over complaining about what bothered me and didn't want to talk about.... well, anything. Coming here to vent stopped providing relief. Also it was brought to my attention that potential employers might find this, and that would seriously conflict with the face I was trying to present to the world. Finally that line didn't play out.

Why I'm back:
Because I'm working again. My creative juices are flowing once again and I do well putting my thoughts on the screen.

So the big news is an entirely new take on my novel. I started working on the novel (then titled "George Orion novel") that has become the focus of much of my creativity on 1/15/2011. The main force behind writing it was simple: it hadn't been written yet. I have a very Germanic attitude towards that which does not yet exist. If it doesn't exist yet, and is a good idea then I try to make it happen.

So I started with about 4 chapters.... then hit a solid roadblock (other writers know what I'm talking about). So I shelved the project and moved on with my life.
Then in fall of 2013.. I quit my job and took a writing workshop. The project was renamed "Darkness Rising" which I was told by my friends wasn't original.... yet I fleshed out what I had and expanded to 8(or 9) chapters.... Then the semester ended and the project was shelved again.

Last month my therapist insisted that I was deeply depressed and had to start taking something for it. Naturally I was resistant, for one I had up to that point been on no less than 10 treatments for depression. The only thing to ever work was weed, and I had to quit for my career.

But I didn't have a good reason not to, so I allowed them to prescribe something new, and from a new class. Suddenly it started working. Now I'm more creative than I have EVER been in my adult life, and the depression is gone.

So I'm changing the title a third time (hopefully last).... to "Rising". I look forward to uploading some samples, and maybe publishing it as an ebook.... maybe. This is not in any way about my career, I like where my job hunt is going and I want to continue to have the freedom to write what I want to (sort of, I'm not allowed to start another novel until this one is done). I don't care if I don't make a cent on THIS book, I prefer to retain creative control. So that makes publishing a challenge. I've been a professional writer, and breaking in that way isn't the way for me.

But I won't be releasing the whole thing for free, there will be some sort of fee structure set up. On that same note most of the early funds will go for trying to send a run to print.

So I'm off to work. Another day in paradise.

Day 1: inventory

So two parts of what has been convicted on me tonight, one is spend more time with God (working on that) the second is inventory.
I'm just going to go through what happened today, point out where I did well, or where I can do better. I am sincerely going to try to be kind to myself, but I have been convicted that I am wrong on a number of scores, so I'm not feeling very nice.

I woke up late (11.30) decided to rest awake and eat a little before gym time. I could have gotten up earlier, this is an ongoing complaint I have with myself, I just don't get up early enough.
I ate, that's good, good job me.
I left for the gym a little after two, and I started some laundry. Both good things. I had to go pick up my scrip before I got to the gym floor, but that's good, they finally wrote me a scrip.
I worked out from a little after three until about 5.30/6. two sessions of 45 minutes, I hit my max weight lift at 120, and started on front squats. All good, not great. I want to work out for longer. Oh, I suffered from overconsumption of stimulants, need to work on dosage. The dosage was this:
1 36 mg concerta
1 large cup of coffee
8 ounces of 3 scoop strength pre workout

I was having breathing problems and some panic. still a little of that left, settling down now though.

Then I went shopping at burlington, but didn't like the prices so nothing was bought.
On my way to church I turned in my scrip.
I went to church for two and a half hours until 9.30
I put money in the bank
I went grocery shopping
then I came home,
fed the dog, ate some pizza, watching clue, jerked off.
That's it. I'm not going to get introspective, God chose to convict me that I need to talk to him more. So I'm going to. I'm going to take some time driving alone to talk to him, and if I don't have a drive alone I'll go ride my bike alone. One way or another we'll talk daily.

an offensive against the beast

I'm just spit-balling here but maybe we've been fighting capitalism wrong. I admit my ignorance on the class war and counter culture history, I'm only 26. But it seems to me there isn't enough vinegar in our movement.

Conservatism today is the most viscous it has been in the history of it's movement. I don't know of a time in history prior to this that conservatism held that anything that liberals do is wrong. Which makes full conflict all the more certain. I'm looking ahead here. How I would love for a rational change through the normal tools of democracy to work, but I just don't see it happening. Again this is a matter for research.

The point of what I am saying today is: let's build an offensive. We know there is an enemy. We know it's size, it's shape and what it wants. The possession of our country's precious resources by a few, and largely by control of massive machines intent on accumulation. Now our enemy is not flesh and blood, it is powers and organizations (yes, that's a biblical reference). They have momentum on their side, but here is the catch: That's it! They do not have majority on their side, only 1% of the people in the United states control more than 50% of the assets.

I'm going to go weapon by weapon and discuss how they can be disarmed:

First let's look at the people. I personally advocate a completely bloodless battle. Which means we need to rip apart the massive piles of wealth created around people and families without hurting them (physically).  Taxes are the common answer, but the problem with taxing on a federal level is that they control the federal level. Every dollar you tax from them puts several dollars back in their pocket. Now I'm not against personal wealth! However there need to be limits, and those limits need to be enforced. My current idea is a decentralized attack. First we need border security for resources. Taking that money overseas needs to become painful to the point of becoming unthinkable. Second we need to slowly work down the massive personal fortunes. Finally, when they pass on we get away from the percentage estate tax. All estates need to be worked down to a reasonable amount (maybe 50 million would be a reasonable cap for families, 25 for individuals.) That may seem like a high amount, but within a generation that would rid us of billionaires. Most of the billionaires today are over 40, that's not that long for us to have to wait. As part of this public education needs to happen. People need to let go of the belief that someday they will be rich and appreciate rich favoring policies. That's their weapon. It uses the big lie strategy. Simply put by repeating the lie over and over until people accept it those in favor of the current system perpetuate it. Then we take that money and reinvest it in the public good. I'm not an economist, but I'd say use 50% to pay down the debt, the other %50 goes towards balancing the budget. To make the reforms happen we need control of the government, which I guess we'll deal with next.

I'm going to be getting progressively more radical as I go along, so stick with me. I propose that money in politics should be completely illegal. I'm saying simple reform isn't enough, even the poor shouldn't be allowed to contribute. Politicians should be like monks, they should take a vow of honor and be held to principles. If they don't do what they said we're gonna have to oust them! We're gonna have to stop letting them act like they are doing us a "favor" by representing us in Washington. That's their fucking job. It will take time to push out the plutocrats and place humanity focused government in effect, but the founders are on our side as to our right to do so.

Finally, the big battle which is dismantling the monopolies that control our economy and hold it hostage if we ever do things that displease them. We need to become the new establishment. People focused on dismantling systems of domination need to become "corporate spies". Get hired into the influential part of these large companies. Then take them public(if they aren't already). Then at all costs we use hostile take-over strategy and build anti corporations. These organizations would act as machines, similar to how a large company works. We program them with one goal: Dismantle large things. We break these companies into smaller ones. No company has any excuse to dominate more than 25% of the market for a given good. It's not healthy economic practice, and it's bad for people. I said this would take patience! It may take a few hundred years to completely exterminate companies large enough to ruin the economy. Eventually anti trust legislation can automate the process even more. Teddy Roosevelt broke up corporations in the first part of the last century. Surely we can as well.

Vigilance and venom! We need to see the evil where there is evil, and stop engaging in partisan distraction. Complaining won't get us anywhere! I intend to spend the next decade or two figuring out how to put this into action. I can think of nothing more worthy of honor than freeing our country of oppression from within.

Back and pissed

Right, so in case you haven't noticed I've been missing for some time.
Some of that, was that life has really been getting me down lately, it really has.
More of it was that my laptop was taken from me. Get this:
One thursday night I sit down with my computer, like I always do, and it refuses to receive power.
So I contact Asus, who made the damn thing, they say that it is likely a power problem, and that I need to send it off to get fixed. So apparently best buy is the people to send this shit to. So I do that. And then a week later they call me. What started out as a power supply problem.... which is simple, turns out to be a problem with the fricken hard drive and motherboard.... four HUNDRED bucks (it was supposed to be a 200 dollar repair, this is important because later I will be screwed for these reasons.)
Right, so I call asus, and tell them this is not acceptable, at which point they say they can issue an RMA if I can get ahold of Best Buy. I spent 25 hours from friday the 27th to monday the 30th, and they WILL NOT LET ME speak to the repair center. The last thing I am informed of is that the only people who can speak to the repair crew are "the bridge", and that a note had been dispatched to "the bridge"........ I call on thursday to best buy, and they don't have any clue about what has happened, or where my computer is.

Today I get a call from best buy, my computer is back, and they are VERY sorry.... they will give me a discount on a new computer, but they cannot fix the problem because I did not indicate it was under warranty when I sent it off. I contacted Asus and they as well tell me it's my fault because I did not send it to them. Moral of the story: Both company are scum. They will suck your time away with delusions that they can fix your problem when they have more chance of fixing the uncertain political future of the middle east as of ;providing satisfactory customer service. To get good service buy the extended warranty, if you can't afford it you cannot afford their computers. End of story. Sorry that I am such a lousy customer for being FUCKING POOR/

on what God looks like from the dead side looking up

And so I author a piece on how he looks from the underside.
I look up.
Are you there?
Where are you?
What are you doing over there that's so damn important?
How did I trust you before, and how did giving you that trust end up with me here?
How wonderful it would be if you were not, because then I could embrace the bullet and not have to worry about your damn snarky remarks after the bullet takes care of my own
How nice it would be to not have to answer for the crimes of the absurd
even so..... there you are. Over there with your roses, and fruits and wonders of creation.
How well we have screwed that up.
How/why did you offer us salvation?
On the how side how can you ever save me, I am so much already dead, and I doubt anyone else will offer me relief before weakness makes me reach out and take it for myself.
On the why..... why bother with the mess we are? Why bother when you intended to leave those of us in extreme pain right there, for FOUR FUCKING YEARS?!
Do I matter to you? Of course, if you sent your only fucking son, I'd think I did.
Am I to blame for how I lay in misery and moan in pain? Did you chastise David for Psalm 69?
Or am I to have "positive thoughts" (I can't even type the words without a nasal voice in my head mocking them). Then I am lost. I see nothing good but what you are, and you are so very far from me.
If you are working to redeem this shitshow of a life, go for it. It was yours back when it was something worth talking about. I'm not going to go into an itemized list of what I percieve is wrong, because I have come to realize my flesh desires have as much chance of being filled as anyone elses. I don't delude myself of my worth. I have lost my appetite, my lust, my passion and my creative voice.
Please take my breath, so I might lose sight of this lackluster failure that surrounds me.
I beg you! Redeem me or bring it to an end! You may cast me in hell only that I know that my end comes from the most high God! I beg you with all that is within me. With every bit of energy and force I can muster I completely cast my case at your feet, begging, pleading, either close the fucking thing with a relatively quick death or make this life something worth talking about!
I leave my worth entirely up to you. If my value is better as fertilizer, I could live with that. If my value is something else..... I really need some..... I feel like begging for a sign is too much ego. I have sought you out, I have asked, I have gone on a spiritual journey to understand, and I have been knocking at your door. You know PRECISELY what you need to do is, better than I! Who am I to tell you?! I am here to report your servant is weak, supplies are limited, and if you want your servant to live you should open the door. I am entirely sincere.
Please, don't make me curse the day my feet turned to the path of believing in an all mighty miracle working God. Please, don't abandon me. Don't let those who depend on me suffer for my weakness. The spirit is willing Lord.

On being the "Nice Guy"

I just spent the last hour reading all the articles sparked by the recent shooting.
Let me do a quick recap for those of you not keeping up with the current situation (unless you are ignoring it, in which case stop reading! Save yourself from this very irrelevant and pointless event that will never in the least effect you.)

A few days ago a young man posted a video rant on youtube about his views on women. Then he went out and killed some people. Finally he killed himself. Then the internet went fucking nuts. Some guys decided to defend the killer saying that this is justice. Those are trolls, don't pay attention to that. Then feminists pointed out that men need to grow up. Again, painting with a wide brush on a very specific person and their personal problems. Finally, some other men tried to assert that not all men are like that, and as always received the attack that they "don't get it".

Which brings it back to my personal reaction: Pity and compassion.

First of all as I always react to mass shootings: This is a senseless tragedy, and nothing I can say will bring back the people that died. It will be many years of pain for those directly connected. It will be probably another month or two before the news media gets over it and moves on to whatever is next. This being an election year it will probably be something stupid a politician says. Or a celebrity wedding, or death.

Now I come to talking about the myth of the nice guy. I will very shortly discuss my personal experience with this archetype. The nice guy is what some men want to believe they are, at a certain point in their romantic life cycle. I can't speak to anyone else's experience, only my own.

Seven or eight years ago I was less romantically experienced than I am now. I was a nerdy virgin. I was, at the time, committed to waiting until marriage to have sex. It was a cultural thing. I finally broke it off with the easy girl I was making out with at the time. Then I set my sights on a certain young lady. To me this young lady represented everything a woman should be. I assumed that if I could just show her how I felt, something would happen. After pining over her for months, I revealed my feelings, and she bluntly expressed her total lack of interest. So I sunk into total despair. Somewhere in there I found another woman, eventually married her, and I've already talked about how that ended.

When I came out of that marriage I realized a few things. One of them was that I was attractive enough for woman to want to sleep with. Another was that I love myself. The final thing I learned is that attraction is not love. Love isn't even love, if that makes sense. Because this mystical substance that we ascribe the title of love does not exist. Despite what movies or culture may say there is not a magical substance that makes women like men. Unless that substance is hormones and mating instinct. Perhaps confidence is as close as I can come to how to make women want you. The key word there is women, not woman. Making a single woman keep wanting you is a finely defined art, and not the point.

The point is that I realized how much of the problem was me. I realized that I could never be "deserving" of love, any more than a woman could be "deserving" of my affection. Affection just happens. The solution isn't going on a rant about the injustice of the world, of which there is much. The likes of internet bloggers aren't going to solve that. For me it will begin and end with informing men that they don't need the love of that "perfect" woman to be worthwhile. That will never satisfy because romance isn't supposed to make life worth it.

Like a drug addict always chasing a high a man can waste his years trying to find meaning in what is after all only sex. It does feel quite good and I endorse it heavily as a human need. It is however a human need that we can cause ourselves much angst trying to fulfill.

Finally, women are to be respected and cared about, regardless of their personal attractions. They are people, and have the right to defend themselves. They deserve every bit as much as anyone else. Our society is trying to objectify people in general. Making broad generalizations won't fix that, standing up for each other might. One day at a time.

Introspective reflection

I realize now more than I have for some time how I must look inwards to find answers to my unhappiness. My previous attempts to understand my pain as it has been caused by others has proven fruitless indeed.

I am sober, more so than I have been in the last four years. My explorations of drugs and alcohol have not satisfied my soul and I find concern for my inner person fills me. I worry that I have numbed myself to the true questioning and yearnings of my soul. Of course the fact that I can observe my soul's yearning at all says that I have not lost touch. The holy spirit is unavoidable to all those that have surrendered to it's will, and God tugs me ever onward towards further perfection.

I am struck at once with both the relative injustice of the world, and the fact that I seem more insulated from it than I deserve to me. It's unsettling to realize I am blessed beyond my deserving (though hopefully not beyond my calling). It has been my hope that after much searching I could find a way to create a kinder world, because that seems the only logic in my blessed life that I was given so much for a reason. This is a very Christian ideal, that the blessed are chosen.

It is pervasive in this land of inequality that religion is that which numbs us to inequality and yet at the same time points out our gluttony and sinful nature. I do not mean sin as in an adherence to a set of rules and laws. I mean as a straying from the will of God. I cannot speak for anyone else. It only appears that I have not done all I can to seek him and be grateful for what he has provided.

This is to contrast with my feelings that all is not right with my life. My dreams seem far too big for my abilities, and I struggle with how God might regard my desires. The scripture would seem to be both simple in the extreme and yet beyond my meager understanding. I am compelled to come to him as a child, trusting wholly in his will and goodness. Yet I am haunted by the deeper meanings and more convoluted spiritual facts of my existence.

Am I really to bring to him all my desires, pains, and to expect him to care? That contrasts so much with the reality of how divergent my life is from that which I dream about (literally and figuratively). I might compare my life to slavery, as the society and rules I must abide by do not give me any happiness or even contentment. I am at once driven to humility by my circumstances and grandiose thinking by the idea of a God who wishes to not only fulfill me but fill me to overflowing with joy. It is not enough for me to lower myself to a level that I take the simple facts of my existence as supernatural blessing. I desire a faith that is bigger than the humble circumstances I currently live in. If God's greatness is only that I might completely debase my lifestyle and bow to the world's grinding forces then I would not be serving a great or all powerful God.

No! I do not submit myself to self pity, or defeatist language and thoughts. I wait with great expectation on God's move. As Daniel said (paraphrasing) 'We will not bow to your God, for our God will surely save us. But even if he doesn't, he will still be God and worthy of praise.' My love for him and my trust in him is not found in what he will do for me. God is not some sugar daddy to satisfy my lusts and gluttony. God is so much more. I hope though there is no evidence, and I dream even when faith is weak and suffering is great.

As ever I am uncertain. Will I see the glory and power of the Lord or will I speak to that which I will not see this side  of mortality? The questions I have don't have answers because only one has the answer. It is not something men can know completely. I believe and stand in my faith, holding on to peace though all I find around me is destruction and fear. Fear is the enemy of faith. These two things can't live in the same person. I think I'm having a very human problem. David fought fear constantly during the time he was being chased. Yet God redeemed him. Even Christ, the son of God, begged to not have to face the onslaught ahead of him. Yet the Jesus that returned from the dead was full of confident assurance, as he had been through the painful part and came out the other side redeemed.

I think the peace in the storm I have now is one sort of thing. The mercy and grace that comes from hope and faith rewarded is something else entirely. My mind comes back to a prediction by one of the companions of Job as he was in anguish. "As humble as your beginnings were, so prosperous will your future be." It is my dream of ideal that as great as the pain I have lived with has been, so much better it will be when God's blessings arrive.
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I come back to how blessed I am now. I have food, though I am not that hungry lately. The one thing I usually long for is a beverage I have worked towards perfection. It consists of half a cup of milk, half a cup of coffee, and a serving of honey. Today I am trying a little rum in it, and it is good. I am trying to find goodness in all things. I heard something on the radio about how we cannot escape our nature to sin. This person said they were attempting to find some good even in their sin. I think that's what I want. So even though my lust and gluttony may never be overcome, I must find some good in them.

I have a roof over my head, and it as well is good. I have two people who care for me and live with me. I have the joy of experiencing the sweetness and yet demanding nature of a small child. I have my books, and I have games to play. Today I got news that I will likely be employed soon. It is my desire to find joy in that, despite that I wanted different work. It's only for now, and the pay will push me towards the goal of moving to a better place.

Step by step I move myself on the journey I am on. I don't know how many steps it will take to get to where I am going. All I can do is make the best I can with what I am given. I'm not giving up, and my faith will not let go of the concept of a God larger than the forces in this world that oppress me. One day I might find a community that satisfies me. One day, well I can dream. The story isn't over, not as long as I have breath. Even though the storm threatens to destroy me, as long as I live God can still calm the storm, and lead me to his promised place.

realization

So I was writing for tumblr (http://cynicalviking.tumblr.com/)
Then I realized that for the past.... I don't know... two or three years, I've been trying to prepare for another death.
This pretty much sums up the Max approach to pain: Ow, that hurt. How can I make sure it never hurts again, and if it does I'm prepped.
Blame the Boy Scout in me, because when I see something terrible I start working on insulating myself from it. Divorce and depression are amazingly hard to insulate against. When I was 22 (2010) I sunk into a deep depression funk over my divorce. For a year and a half I slept, jerked off, and did drugs. Essentially I was dead for almost two years, and it was a wonderful escape from the world. I saw what I really needed to survive having my very existence removed. I learned that things don't last.

The best metaphor I have is if you got into a car wreck, but instead of the airbag saving you the entire car was sucked into another universe and your body hits the freeway at 75 miles an hour. Then you crawl into a cave, occasionally crawling out to eat berries like a wild raccoon. That's what divorce is like for me.

So I don't know what other bad shit is out there, because I could not understand what happened to me before it happened, but the cave and berries saved me. So I'm looking for a cave that will last and to plant some berry bushes. Until I manage that, I can't really build anything.

Ambition and depression

So it seems like pretty much a constant that as soon as ambition rears it's head in my life so do these great wall of obstacles.

I'm trying to work up to moving out of this assbag state...... but right now I need a job to hold down the stuff, I'd like to pay off my debt.... fix my credit...... etc..... ect...... then people ask me why I'm depressed.

It's because even an okay life seems like shooting pretty damn high. I mean this really bothers me that I have this fucking huge 5 million dollar dream, and then I'm like "How about the middle of a couple hundred thousand" life is like "Denied"

No, this isn't formatted well, I'm having a weird day. Back off, eventually I'll get back to beautiful formatting again. For now, it's a good thing I'm even trying to write. I get all these ambitious writing ideas, like I'm planning to write an autobiography, and I still have my novel to finish, and it's just FUCK..... right, if I have energy I need to be fixing shit, and working hard and all this. Then I do something for myself and feel like a complete assbag. Then I ask God to pick up the slack, because it's been 4 years waiting for him to move..... no one has ANY answers about why that hasn't happened.

Let's talk about nothing is too big for God. It seems the opposite is the case in my life, it seems like EVERYTHING is too big for God. I have/had this book called 10 prayers God "always" answers (my quotation marks). I remember two of them were "God show me you exist"....... been praying that for three months. Another was "God outdo me in generousity", been waiting a year on that one. Seriously, Does he do anything consistantly? I don't know. I mean I would say (because I'm pissed) that he consistantly makes me feel insignifigant and worthless, but then he knows how to just pull things together and give me just enough hope not to blow a hole in my fucking head.

Biggest regret? Not buying a gun with the money I had at the time of my divorce, killing her then killing myself. Oh I know that sounds bad, given that she's had a baby with a new man and started a new life, but at least then there would be some justice in this world. I think in my pain I might have been forgiven. Now of course I'm too healed to get away with stupid shit like that. Of course it seems pretty likely that I'll kill myself, that bothers everyone but..... pray to stop it? I don't know, the book says that he responds to the fervent prayers of a rightous man. So either my prayers aren't fervent or I'm not rightous.... or he hasn't responded yet. Damn it. I can't shake the feeling that he's probably still going to do what he said he would.

That's not comfort. Not when he's been saying he's going to do something for years now. There are two things I know about him. He is good, meaning he can't directly hurt me. The way my mentor and spiritual leaders put it he's always working for my good, and I'll be on that when life stops making me want to deep throat a gun.
The other is that he's honest/faithful. He doesn't make idle promises. So in theological theory that means he'll do what he says. Essentially this is like I have a contract that says I own my house, which has equity on paper of over 10k. This means nothing to me in the real world until I sell. God being honest/faithful/good means really not much at all until that actually shows up in my life.

I don't care about on paper, this is why I fail at the high sciences, because what exists in abstract doesn't help me when I'm tired, hungry, and impatient for life to work again. When? How? Will he really provide me the desires of my heart? Or will the depression win before he gets around to saving me?

No one but God knows, and I suspect no one but him cares.