On being the "Nice Guy"

I just spent the last hour reading all the articles sparked by the recent shooting.
Let me do a quick recap for those of you not keeping up with the current situation (unless you are ignoring it, in which case stop reading! Save yourself from this very irrelevant and pointless event that will never in the least effect you.)

A few days ago a young man posted a video rant on youtube about his views on women. Then he went out and killed some people. Finally he killed himself. Then the internet went fucking nuts. Some guys decided to defend the killer saying that this is justice. Those are trolls, don't pay attention to that. Then feminists pointed out that men need to grow up. Again, painting with a wide brush on a very specific person and their personal problems. Finally, some other men tried to assert that not all men are like that, and as always received the attack that they "don't get it".

Which brings it back to my personal reaction: Pity and compassion.

First of all as I always react to mass shootings: This is a senseless tragedy, and nothing I can say will bring back the people that died. It will be many years of pain for those directly connected. It will be probably another month or two before the news media gets over it and moves on to whatever is next. This being an election year it will probably be something stupid a politician says. Or a celebrity wedding, or death.

Now I come to talking about the myth of the nice guy. I will very shortly discuss my personal experience with this archetype. The nice guy is what some men want to believe they are, at a certain point in their romantic life cycle. I can't speak to anyone else's experience, only my own.

Seven or eight years ago I was less romantically experienced than I am now. I was a nerdy virgin. I was, at the time, committed to waiting until marriage to have sex. It was a cultural thing. I finally broke it off with the easy girl I was making out with at the time. Then I set my sights on a certain young lady. To me this young lady represented everything a woman should be. I assumed that if I could just show her how I felt, something would happen. After pining over her for months, I revealed my feelings, and she bluntly expressed her total lack of interest. So I sunk into total despair. Somewhere in there I found another woman, eventually married her, and I've already talked about how that ended.

When I came out of that marriage I realized a few things. One of them was that I was attractive enough for woman to want to sleep with. Another was that I love myself. The final thing I learned is that attraction is not love. Love isn't even love, if that makes sense. Because this mystical substance that we ascribe the title of love does not exist. Despite what movies or culture may say there is not a magical substance that makes women like men. Unless that substance is hormones and mating instinct. Perhaps confidence is as close as I can come to how to make women want you. The key word there is women, not woman. Making a single woman keep wanting you is a finely defined art, and not the point.

The point is that I realized how much of the problem was me. I realized that I could never be "deserving" of love, any more than a woman could be "deserving" of my affection. Affection just happens. The solution isn't going on a rant about the injustice of the world, of which there is much. The likes of internet bloggers aren't going to solve that. For me it will begin and end with informing men that they don't need the love of that "perfect" woman to be worthwhile. That will never satisfy because romance isn't supposed to make life worth it.

Like a drug addict always chasing a high a man can waste his years trying to find meaning in what is after all only sex. It does feel quite good and I endorse it heavily as a human need. It is however a human need that we can cause ourselves much angst trying to fulfill.

Finally, women are to be respected and cared about, regardless of their personal attractions. They are people, and have the right to defend themselves. They deserve every bit as much as anyone else. Our society is trying to objectify people in general. Making broad generalizations won't fix that, standing up for each other might. One day at a time.