The vocal minority

I'm coming down to realize the reasons I smoke are more complex than I have previously discussed. Yes, the flavor is good and I do enjoy it. But a larger reason, larger especially now that I realize it is this; smoking tobacco puts a man at odds with society for choices that HE has made. Now I used to be one of those clean living types, liberal and healthy and all that bull.  The liberal agenda is supposed to be to defend the little guy, the put upon and those who either cannot or will not speak for themselves. Our liberal friends, who claim to be on our side never seem to get around to voicing what the minority has to say. Now the conservatives are worse, but not by much. I'm pro-smoking. I'm proud to say that I love the taste of a good cigar. I'd gladly give anyone I like a good cigar, and sit down and enjoy the day, which is what I'm doing at this very moment.

What really gets to me is the blatant hypocracy of the non smoking world. Not that smokers are any more honest, but most are a bit more realistic to realize that first of all, life is dangerous, and second we aren't getting the whole story. There is a witch hunt against smokers in this country. And yet many continue to smoke. They must have good reasons. I know I do. We as smokers are sick of being lumped together with everyone that smokes.

Here is how it works, and this applies to a large amount of labels. What someone does for a hobby does not make them homicidal, abusive, or a destructive member of society. Why do more of these sorts of people smoke? Because when you stop caring what others think enough to be a detriment to society you might as well smoke, and do anything else you might wish to do. You know that when you get caught they're just going to kill you or make your life hell anyway. Why not smoke?
A person, let's call him Dave, could be a real piece of work. He could cheat on his wife, beat her and the kids when he gets home, eventually devolve into bank robbery and working for the mob. He might have to start pulling off hits, etc etc.
Anyway, Dave has made some personal choices in his life. I'll tell you a couple. He drives a red ford truck for example. Now that is a personal choice. He likes his truck. However him liking it doesn't make him a bad person. Would you start attacking everyone who drives a Ford, or a truck, that they don't have your best interests at heart? No. Do you know why? Because Ford has worked hard to create a positive image in the mind of america. They are good trucks, and that doesn't change a thing. Now when Dave is driving around in his big old ford truck he likes to go through the drive through of McDonald's. He doesn't order off the healthy menu. He eats a greasy burger and fries. He's not taking very good care of himself is he? Does that mean we should insult him? Maybe make burger and fries very highly taxed and hard to get. That would show him for not taking good enough care of himself. You realize that is just plain silly. I hope you do.
Now he likes to pick up a case of Bud Light on the way home so he can have a drink while he watches his shows and his wife tries to avoid him so she won't get hit. He'll probably get drunk. And he'll die younger because he overdrinks and blacks out every night. And society DOES see that evil. Yet we don't say everyone who has a bud light at a bar, or buys bud light is evil. We understand he is an alcoholic. He needs treatment and rehab, and he might have to go to jail. Because of his inability to control himself. Not the alcohol. Dave, like many men, likes a smoke while he's drinking.
Which brings me around to my point. Dave is a bad man. No one who works at the tobacco shop made him that. No one in big tobacco is guilty of even ONE crime against Dave. Dave is going to die young because he's reckless in general. He's just as likely to drive that Ford into the river, or drink himself to death as to die of lung cancer. Actually it's more likely his liver will fail first. Society has to find other ways to cope with people like that other than punishing good contributing citizens with overtaxation and discrimination. There are many jobs that discriminate against smokers. The smoking area is almost always dirty and not relaxing. And why not? Smokers must deserve it for making a life choice like that, right?
Smokers are people, whether anyone wants to admit or not. And there is nothing wrong with tobacco, except for the smell, and that's something all of us, smokers and non smokers, have to deal with.

letter to my girl

Hey baby,
      I'm just sitting here, dealing with anxiety caused by this medicine, missing you. I feel so sick to my stomach from this it isn't even funny. Maybe because normally when I feel this sick it's because I feel horrible about something that I'm worried so much about every little thing. I keep thinking that I must be feeling guilty about something. What do I have to feel guilty about? My past is the first thing that pops into my head. I think I really just need to type out this problem and I'll feel better. Hence the drafting of this letter. I feel guilty about being with a man, that I was with a man right before we met. Something in my brain wants to make more of it than I wanted to, so I'm using some logic on this. First of all, and mind you I'm trying very hard not to rationalize, I wasn't with you. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't become aware of you until after that happened. That's a calming thought. Second, my past is my past, you've accepted that and I need to. I feel guilty about being diagnosed with a disease (since this version is for my blog I'll just say it's an STD, not AIDS). It's like it's all my fault. I mean it IS. And aren't I already paying the consequences? What am I worried about? You know the score on my past. You know the risks. You love me regardless..... I'm scared of losing your love. You love me so well, but sometimes you get so mad at me, like I'm not the man you pictured yourself with. That's why I try to be very real about who I am. If I lose you at this point because of who I am, or because of my past I can't control that. No amount of talking will undo everything I have done. Only God can provide the forgiveness I seek, not you. I need to pray..... break for a moment, talk amongst yourselves.


to be continued

aha, a mystery

I think perhaps I finally am growing to understand the nature of love. Having met the woman I hope to grow old with, I must unravel the mystery of how to make her feel perfectly loved. Yes I have the words, I have the tools in that way, but what are her buttons?
I suppose it doesn't seem like a big thing but it is. I have been puzzling all day on quite a puzzle. In a documentary, well a TED talk, and they said the brain has three attachments. The sexual, the romantic and the long term. Now according to the good doctor they can be separate people. My desire is that they not. Because if they are, then that leads logically to cheating and I won't stand for it. So, for now, where I'm at anyway, I need to find reasons to be utterly facinated by her. I'm horribly attracted to her, but things are rather..... vanilla. Not that they aren't as wonderful as I could ever have hoped that vanilla would be. But I am... shall we say, intrigued by the prospect of trying to discover how to stimulate her, make her lose control, make her lose herself in our passion. It's a wonderful dream, a challenging quest and it will take everything I have and a bit of luck to spare to get there. But she does love me, and I can only hope she desires to drive me as wild as I want to drive her.

so..... yeah

I know, I only post when I need to vent... which is less and less lately, yes? Well only partially. I get less time to myself due to the new relationship (FYI: YAY), and when I do my roommate has kidnapped my computer and I have to wait, and then I have to get work done. Seriously I went from 40+ hours on or near my computer a week to getting maybe 12-15. Wow. I didn't even realize it was that huge of a decrease. No wonder my work and this has been neglected. So seriously sorry to any readers and naturally to my future self that the past few weeks have not been documented enough.
So... it's just alot of frustration right now. I carve out time to spend with my roommate in hopes to help her deal with her issues and so I can get my computer back more...................... and FUCK I am pissed that she doesn't understand I'm trying to make time for her. Obviously living with her makes her think that she has some sort of right to my time.
Also all is not perfect with the relationship. I mean I love Sarah. Note that first. She's amazing, sweet, beautiful, and rather sexy. I mean I've felt closer with her at times than with anyone. BUT, and this is a big BUT, there are irritants. Which I should be talking about with ANYONE but ranting into my blog. Yet I'm not. I'm just not there with any of my friends. I mean this used to be something I would talk about with Nikki.... but, and this is an irritant, Nikki and I are trying to redefine our boundaries. Well we were. BUT, she's on the phone. What happened was we got back after having this great evening drinking and hanging out with new friends....... just talked with her. Hang out, I'll be back.

My 2012 Political Platform

So for those of you who don't know, I am running for president 2012, to oppose the madness in this race. First of all I was born in America, Dallas Texas to two American parents. I have my birth certificate and can produce it on request.

So let's begin, my stance issue by issue:
Space Travel: In my mind one of the most important overlooked issues this election. I think that NASA needs to focus less on what limited things it can do with it's budget and using that budget to market space as a place that the free market needs to push humanity into. Space prospecting is what I'm talking about. Humans need to have sufficient motivation to get into space. We can move energy towards using things that are abundant both on our home world and in space (Hydrogen anyone?). We can prospect for metals that are useful enough to justify the expense of a space mining operation. It's a long shot but we can start working on colony development and helping the development of travel and real estate in space. Also I pledge to put Newt Gingrich on the moon in my second term. No one said anything about oxygen. But I do think that's where he belongs. Perhaps leading a moon colony of ultra conservatives. We seem to have a glut of those people who are not happy in america anymore.
Women's reproductive health: This is also a major issue. Women deserve the right to be healthy, and to make up their own mind. If they determine they need birth control it should be available. I have lost track of the number of stories I've heard about young women who have not had access to good protection and have had their futures marred by having a child too early. Another thing we must do is support our young mothers. This law that says a single parent is grounds for abuse charges is prejudice. Regardless of whether couples are a better environment it is wrong to take a child from a mother just because the father walked out, and vice versa.
Economy: Flat out, Washington must not be a wholly owned subsidy of this nation's big business interests. Yes business is the heart of our economy, and as long as they are keeping and producing good jobs here at home they should be rewarded. But those rewards should not become bribes and corrupt. If a business is corrupt and wants to be treated like a person the penalties should be more than financial, it should be the death of the institution. Yes I want a death penalty for businesses that rely on criminal activities and mistreatment of their employees the basis of being successful in business. But since we can't send these entities to the electric chair, they must be nationalized. Then the nation can temporarily run the business, then break it up and sell it off to the competitors. Being a monopoly should be illegal. I would be a monopoly buster for this country.
Prayer in school: Religion should not be taught in public school. End of story, because if the government becomes responsible for children's religious education that's too much responsibility. It should not be illegal, but you don't have the right to force your values in the face of other people's children. That's an attack. Furthermore it's what this country was founded trying to avoid. Be aware of the history of the church.

That covers the basics, email me with questions.

Why there is no point to the midwest

For those of you who don't live in the central US, you may have some idyllic vision of the midwest as the sort of place where family values still roam free, small town values are held up high and life is still as great as it was back in the good old days. Well if you're a fundamentalist republican christian woman, you're damn well set.
Now if you are anything else, this place is hell. Now I'm not saying it's the third world, please hear me out. Living in america is still miles above living conditions in many places. As far as making money? Easy as anything, I'm not going to lie. But if you have a desire to mate, and you immigrate here, you'd better bring the good women with you because this place is a fucking deathtrap for men. There are tons and tons of intelligent men, or men with more charm and good looks, or more money. No matter what you do you'll always be combing through the leftover fat women with 2+ kids and no damn brain. So yes, you can have sex, sometimes, and if you are willing to comb through more spam than could feed all of England for a year. You can have kids, lord knows these dumb country bitches are easy enough. Hey on that topic if you mention God you get a two for one special. But if you ever meet an intelligent girl, she doesn't want to be here. She has to have come on some hard times. It's like if you find an intelligent sweet girl at a strip club, hard times have hit her hard buddy and be prepared to deal with some major damage. I'm not saying I'm a catch, I know that there are men smarter and more handsome than me, with bigger dicks who care less about women. I'm working on all of those that I can. Oh I forgot money, which is all that really matters to these women.
I recently decided to serve out the rest of my time here and leave for the coast, where the women and money flow like the wine that they grow there. God, San Francisco is like HEAVEN compared to the purgatory that is Oklahoma. The only good thing about Oklahoma is what it isn't, namely: Texas, Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Nebraska and North and South Dakota. God help you if you live in one of those. Actually if you have a brain and live in one of those I'm sure you get out while you can. Personally I got tricked by my ex into buying a house here and now I have no choice but to live here until I can sell and make a profit. DAMN I hate it here.

now I've stayed up 3 hours later than I wanted to, just to try and get laid. Yes I am pretty damn desperate apparently.... lots of response, just gotta keep farming HARD to get what I want. What I want... HA, as if there is such a thing. 

falling out

So I am very aware that I'm not posting like I was, and I'm sorry for that. I'm trying to be busy with my life, which is really just because Nikki is back in it. We got in a fight tonight because she doesn't want to get attached to anyone... ever. So fuck that. Anyway she has a friend she's trying to hook me up with now, which is neither here nor there because it's still in the interview phase and nothing has come of it.
Got offered and took the offer for a promotion from Dad, will talk about that as needed but suffice to say it's enough money to take care of my needs and I wouldn't have to feel guilty. Now if I can just do the work.
Back at school, feeling isolated as always.... New class, does nothing for me, none of them do right now. Honestly, and I feel shame for this, I think I'm too advanced for these classes. Hence, they bore me. Oh well. Such is the life of a student.
I'm really pushing myself at the gym, moving over 100 pounds this week. Still need to hit the gym early to get in the pool time I desire. The gym is pretty much the best part of my life right now.
Nikki got a puppy, it's cute.
I'm not smoking as much, mostly for my lungs but also for my wallet. I'm hoping to get really messed up over spring break... thus are my hopes.

finally got myself to cry

Last night I finally got myself to cry. Which was nice. I was going through my old pictures... remembering what it was like when my life worked. And I cried. Because life doesn't really work right now. So... yeah. I don't want to feel like that right now so I'm going to the gym... Nikki is here. And she's not wanting me.... how.... disappointing. But she's on her period which is making it easier to get over her.

(Also this is post 100) Cheers.

casual dating and morality

In the area of things that are just plain silly I would like to take a moment to discuss this thing called casual dating. To begin with I am relatively new to the concept, originally I would date one girl at a time and try and get her into a relationship. Didn't work out that well. Anyway, last night I was chatting with a somewhat attractive girl, I was interested at any rate. We were getting on ok, and so in the Q and A I brought up sex. And she explodes all over me about how immoral I am. That should have been the end of it, but I pushed on, installed a patch on that area, and moved onward. Somehow it came up that I had had some feelings for Nikki, and she accused me of leading her on. No, leading on would be me telling HER that I felt anything for her at that point. At the point of having spoken with me for less than a week a woman does not have ANY ability to dictate what happens in my life. Heck, a woman that has been in my life for some time only gets any say because I give it to them, and that doesn't always happen. No woman I am dating right now has any exclusive rights to me. That is the nature of casual dating. Furthermore, none of them has done anything that would give them any such rights. Having sex with me gives a woman some rights to exclusivity, so I'll probably do a status check before dating more women. If a woman fell in love with me and I felt the same, yeah, I would be exclusive with her with a good amount of certainty.

A commitment is not a commitment until both people enter into the agreement. I can't owe money for something I don't own. What's so complicated about this? Does this woman WANT to claim ownership? Well we've got all the forms over here HOLD ON, what is the basis of your claim?

This strikes me as a christian woman problem. The same as the no sex before marriage issue. It's.... just plain stupid. But then the church LIKES stupid, so there you are. Look, I get that you are insecure and need to project it on someone else, but I already served my time in that jail. I payed my bill for that at the office.

Now on this issue I want to make something clear. IF Nikki had feelings for me, IF Nikki and I were sleeping together, or living together, or attached by anything more sophisticated than crazy glue we would be together. Nikki's feelings for me are somewhat a mystery. And we have determined moving back and putting things on sloooow is the move that is best for her. See, because she earned the right to get some concessions from me. Now with these particular concessions she gave me back my ability to date around. Freedom, all that shit. That's what makes good agreements, both people get something. She gets all the time she needs to figure herself out, I get the option to keep looking, and it's possible I might find someone else.

evil pageview number

So for those of you who are suspicious my blog just reached the devil's number for all time page views. IF you are superstitious it might be time to bring in some more people (gratuitous plug)

dreams of the sword

http://www.cashanwei.com/prod_Detail.aspx?id=SH2076&name=Practical%20Mortuary%20Sword
I should be getting this sword this week. Yes. While normally I wouldn't broadcast what I'm buying, this is currently the most interesting thing in my life.
In other news.... I had a witch cast a spell to remove my feeling for my ex wife.... and so far so good on that. Wow.... sounds even crazier typing it than thinking it. Anyway, I have no idea whether it's the spell, or the fact that we know meditation works, or just that getting emotions out works.... but I don't feel a desire to linger on this subject any longer... still a little close for comfort.
And while we are on the subject of emotions I can't do anything with.... I saw Nikki again last night. It was the first time since the break up we had hung out. And yes, there is still some feeling there. Fading, but there. She's so beautiful. We sang show tunes together... God I just wanted to kiss her. Things I can't have eh? She talked about how writing turns her on... you'd think I would, I mean I think I'm a decent writer. She said it got her nipples hard actually. mmmm, if I could have done something about it then I would have. Daydreams are sometimes as good as it gets. I wrote her a love note today..... *shrug* seemed like a good idea.

In other news I have a few other women sort of interested in me... nothing coming of it yet. Everyone still insists that I'm going to settle down... show me the money is my policy. I have more faith in my answered prayer.... which I believe I've been praying about the way instructed for two weeks. Which I guess sounds at least to me like I'm counting out how long it's going to take for a reaction. Yes and no. Yes I would love to see it happen sooner rather than later. But No, I'm not surprised that it hasn't. When it happens it happens. The faith attitude I'm trying to take now is that it's already done... I'm just waiting for the reality of it to catch up with me. That's really hard, because I'm feeling cynical about not being there. It's frustrating believing what I can't see. Which I guess is the crux of all faith problems.

So back around to the sword, I'm hoping it will get here before class on thursday night.

Why I would rather listen to Bill Maher than Willie George

Ok, to start I suppose I should explain who Willie George is, for non locals. Willie George is a local pastor, one of the most well rooted christians in the area. For those of you who don't know I live and grew up in a city with hundreds of churches. Being a good christian in a town like this, being admirable is hard for christians. And that starts us on the road of why I don't.... trust.... christians.
Now, on the gut level the biggest issue is that aside from my dad, I have never met an older christian man that I want to grow up to be like. They look stupid on the whole. Ill informed, whipped, and completely in the pocket of the church. I want to grow up to be like Bill Maher. He's smart, he takes on the IDIOTS in this country, he's witty about it. People attack him, they call him a bully. Like Rush Limbough isn't. They're two sides of the same coin. Of course Rush is overweight, out of shape, and maybe a little delusional, but he's an admirable man. Which comes around to what is admirable. Admirable is standing for what you believe in, admirable is being intelligent, admirable is thinking for yourself. So when I hear someone who is all these things, I have to listen. That's all for the moment.

lithium vs illegal substances

Why is it legal for a doctor to give his patient lithium, but not lsd, crack or weed? I've heard the warnings for lithium. For example EVERYONE who starts taking it halves their life expectancy. Now that may be true of crack, or lsd at times, but not weed. I'm saying maybe some people would find a solution if all useful chemicals could be given out by doctors. Just saying.

In the veign of illegal substances
GIANT GIRAFFE COSTUME, IT's really gonna happen man. I'm gonna get a giraffe costume and dance around in front of things. I would be the mystic dancing giraffe... like a specter.

intimacy

I just had a thought about intimacy, that thought being that with intimacy orgasms should actually decrease (in my case at least), the meaningfulness of the relationship would make you capable of going longer without sex, not burning out, and not moving on to someone new. I know because it was once that way for me. As I loved her my libido went down, trying to find an even level. Hers didn't. Maybe I didn't make her feel loved. *sob* I mean that could be it couldn't it?
I mean my penis plays the part
my prostate doesn't play that doesn't matter anyway
cause I got a good liver and a good beating heart
Don't how to say this, don't know what to do
but when her love just isn't there
and though she cares her love just isn't there
I've never lost site of the far horizon that I seek
Though life's humbling and brief
I still believe in what I see
and what I don't
and what I will
I keep my eye on the horizon til the dream comes home
I know that she's out there, I just can't deny
that somewhere out there is a girl for whom I'm the perfect guy
And she'd be all I need, neither yoked to a name or the words on the paper, just yoked to your heart.
I've seen long depression
I've sometimes seen death
I've seen the dissolving of all that once was
I've seen some betrayal
I've seen some abuse
But none of that yet can be an excuse
Because when life hands you lemons you must make lemonade
When God furnishes you with talent you go out and seek your trade
And even though I quite agree that God has got the best for me
Until he's here and plans appear I'm moving on
I'm moving on until his voice is at my shoulder
I'm moving on until his breath is in my hair
I'm moving on until eyes are my window
I'm going on until his feet are at my door
I'm going on until he shows me the girl I'm gonna marry
I'm going until I know I shall not die
I'm going on I'm going on and on and on and on and on
I'm going on until I'm gonna die
I wonder why
He promised me life ever lasting, that maybe I would know no dying day, or if I did it would be the next logical journey, the next step to take my life upward growth
But life is tedious and poor
yet it beats down your door
and you can't help but be incensed
why should this happen to me?
I thought that I was better than this lord God right now
be ready for you and how I must be so inadaquit
Where is your aspirations? Where are they written down?
Don't give me your word for all.
I want your special word for me.
Give me the star to aim for
I'll be true to it from the start
Give me a love to walk with
Then you will really see my heart
But must you test me with isolation?
And tests of my strength?
Why all this training? What does it mean?
Why can't I be steady? Why must I be weak?
Yes there are you and I in this relationship,
But ours is a father son
Hers will be a lover to a lover
Best friend to a friend
The sweetness of that sweet vanity that you are perfect for each other. Oh Lord for that sweet vanity to be true.  For the sweet release that would be all your promises come true. You said ask and you will be answered, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. I asked, and I asked, and you've given me partial answers, but never a straight one. A straight one lord, which is the full realization in some way and total validation. There is nothing to fear Lord, I have been as faithful to my prayer as I could have hoped for, though I know it falls short of your glory. When you answer I will be all the more yours, and I'm trying to open myself up to that. I am a human, I need a bit of stimulation, surely you know how that principle in love works, you created love did you not?
Why must I love what I cannot have..... never can I have her total love. Who? I don't know who, my heart fell out and when I shined it up and put it back in it lacked a lady love. Someone I could do anything for. I see many that I see such potential in, yet either I fail the approach because I'm flawed too, or I fail the follow through. 

Anger

I'm going to try and talk about what has been going on over the past few days and how it made me feel. I had made a perfectly decent post starting to deal with all this but it accidentally got deleted.... I've been having trouble with my creativity lately as well.... I guess obviously.
I keep getting distracted.
So anyway.... after I posted that long thing in the morning about the exchange with my wife I got in a fight with my girlfriend. Well..... I think of it more as I released some frustrated feelings and she walked out because she doesn't feel a damn thing for me.
Then I went to bed.
When I woke up.... at some point I figured out the cat had died. Well, been killed. I think that pretty much did me in as far as surviving the fight. So the cat died.... then she tells me to take HER dog to the pound (I'm not personally harping on that, everyone else is.) So that's three animals down in a week.............
She's barely talked to me since. But I have learned that she plans to move out... into an apartment that she's signing a three month lease on. YEAH, this girl wasn't ready to commit to staying down here now signs a lease.... Didn't I tell you hurting me gives women wings to soar? Well I don't think I've ever put it that way exactly, but the concept is the same as the classic They hurt me/They get cool prizes game. Maybe I should advertise this. So I'm upset over that.
And all this has just been the tipping point for me being suicidal. I was going to do it that morning after she left.... really I think mostly because there was no one to stop me anymore. So I drove over to see my dad and was planning to get checked into the hospital. Then I sort of talked myself into joining a gym.
So that's the personal life news.
In career news I haven't been in class in a week. And I think I might have quit my job. The manager I don't like and me obviously can't cooperate anymore. *sigh* Alright? updated well enough?
Now, about anger. I'm very angry right now. I've pushed away everyone who could be hurt by the anger because I'm angry enough that I imagine anyone coming within 100 yards of me will suffer residual bad energy damage. It's addictive.... anger. It makes me feel in control, powerful and intelligent. I'm aware it doesn't make me any of those things.... Though at times it fuels the chasing of those things.
It's not that I can't stop being angry, I'm fully capable of it... I have the tools. What I lack is any motivation. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from suicide right now, that's a choice to stay out of the hospital. But I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.... why on EARTH would I stop being angry if it makes me feel good? Better than any human is capable of. Oh wait, they're capable just not willing. Gee I guess god really did make man in his own image.........Yet again I see the failures of men reflected in their god.

my unsent response to the ex

"I don't know what sort of response I was hoping for, maybe you actually acting sorry. Again, I expected too much. I'm glad you can admit you were lost, that's growth. I suppose that relegates my position in your life to the shrapnel you've put behind you. And I'm sure that's how it feels, that you can say "I made mistakes in my past, but now I've got a new guy, new life, new smaller waistline so the ends justify the means." And I guess they do. I guess you'll never have to know or care what happens to me. I'll just leave you with a final thought, since you're too distanced to actually hear anything I say or care. Who can ever trust a word you say? You said you didn't believe in divorce. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You stood at the alter with me  and said for better or for worse and when worse came you went packing. I hope you never have to get called to the carpet on your beliefs again, because under pressure you do whatever you want, screw the beliefs. You're a liar, a sinner, and the most loathsome creature I have ever met. You know what you look like? You look like satan, or the whore of Babylon, all masked up under all that purity is a cold blooded reptile. You don't love people, you use them to get what you want. "

her response... and my reactions

This is what she said. Not even going to correct it:
"So you know I read it, and we obviously see things very differntly. I know I made mistakes, we both did. I'm not going to rehash things I'm not even going to react to what you wrote. I admist I was a lost, confused, and stupid little girl back then, people change. I'm not sure what you would like to hear, wether the truth or not. I will soon have the money to pay for any expense to get my name off of that house, because that needs to get done. You're opinion of me can be what it will I guess, I always knew it would be that way. I have not tried to reconnect or be friends just because everything is less complicated that way. I'm sorry if I hurt your family, I never intended to. I never intended to hurt any of you. But I made mistakes. Everyone does. I forgive you for the ones you made."

This is literally how she speaks. I'm not messing around. People think I'm not over her because I feel anger. Actually now I'm in the mood to rehash some of the horrible FUCKING things she has said. Yes, she's earned this:

First, after rehashing all the SHIT for the divorce, she lays this shit on me, on 10/3/10
"Ok, looks like you won't have to meet with the lawyer. I'm meeting with him tuesday at 10 and should be able to get everything taken care of myself. Before I go in, have you talked with the bank to make sure that you have everything in order to keep it, minus the 1750. Also, I need to know what the legal description is of the property. It should be on the house closing papers somewhere.

Why didn't you fight for this? For us? When we separated you just gave up instead of trying to become a better guy, why? Did you just never rally love me that much?"

Yeah.... apparently losing me was enough to knock out the ability to spell..... she's right she was a stupid fucking girl. As far as I know she still is. But hey, we're working through shit.

"I'm glad you're figuring out who you are, I am too. I'm a much stronger and happier person again. I'm sorry I can't take back things that were said, I know I was harsh. I wanted things to be able to work, but I wanted you to  change into what I thought you should be. If your sexual desires have changed then I definitely don't see how I could be with you. You know I'm strictly into men and wouldn't tolerate an open relationship of any kind. Plus you know how I feel about smoking of any kind. I think we were just very different people who were trying to be something we weren't. Also even though you didn't initiate the divorce process, you not talking to me and basically giving up on us was what I took as you're ok for the whole thing. I don't see how it could work now. Not if you're becoming more aware of who you are and what you like, which sounds like it's probably in a completely different direction from me."

"I do make decisions for myself. I don't like you acting like I'm the only one who is at fault in this situation though. I just wanted to try to get something from you before I made things official. You never once showed me you cared since I left. You couldn't even take care of our home. If you had truly cared you would have fought for me until the end, not give up. I don't care what you say, that is how someone should act. I have no idea what kind of experimentation you're talking about, but if it has anything to do with your butt, than I'm not up for that. I would like to be friends, which is truly all I feel like we could achieve. I have always needed a strong, hard working, christian man who take me for what I am and help me achieve my goals, and we would both better each other. That was never us. We were not partners in life, and that's both of our faults, but I practically died when I was with you. There was no end in sight. I would never have achieved any of my goals or dreams in life. I left believing that you were going to make changes in your life to become the man that I needed, but that never happened. Our home went to shambles, you started smoking, you never got a stable job, and were still living off of food stamps. I gave you 6 months, which is what we agreed upon. I've put my anger and hurt aside. I'm not trying to take anything out on you or trying to get you to make some decision for me. I just don't believe that if you truly loved me you would have given up immediately, which is what you did."

Fuck her. I'm done with this shit.

Post script. I just rehashed the whole breakup. Piece by agonizing fucking piece. She's still scum. She's still at fault. And after all this I know I was a fool to ever feel for her. I don't feel that way about her now. I feel very very heavy and sad. 

Goodbye letter to my wife

So I suppose I've had it brought to my attention that I haven't had decent closure about my ex wife, so I'm going to write  a letter to her, and that will be it. My plan is to send it to her email, and send her a message on facebook to read the email.

Dear Lindsay,
I know we never talk anymore, and we may never talk again. I realize that this may be my last chance to say how I feel about what happened between us. It may not matter in your case, but it matters to me that it's said. I don't know how to fully express the anger that I feel towards you for what you did to me and my life. You lied to me, you broke a solemn promise in front of me and in front of God. So did your family for that matter but I never cared for them much anyway. I tried to, but we know how that went. You knew how seriously I took promises. Not saying I kept all of mine, and I know I did not do everything perfectly. But that does not excuse what you did. Nothing does. I've been working on forgiving you for my health, but if it were not for that I would hate you until the end of my days for what you did. You took my heart, my innocence and my trust. You took my money and my time. Worst of all after you wounded me terribly you were never once genuinely sorry for what you did. I don't know how someone ends up in a position where they can do what you did and not be sorry, maybe it's the culture we live in, maybe it's part of your morality. But it was not acceptable to me. You have left a mark on my life that can never be removed.
Another thing I want to address is that you hurt my family. They brought you into their lives with the expectation that you were't going anywhere. And then when I tried to work things out with you, you insulted them. Hurting me is one thing, hurting those I love is something entirely different. They were the ones who picked up the pieces after my life fell apart. They have been supportive of whatever decisions I make, including when I considered making it work between us. Because that is what FAMILY does. You never understood that we were family, I would have supported you under any circumstances, but you did not extend the same compassion for me.
I want you to always remember that this was all your doing. You cheated, you left, and you found another man to love before our marriage was even officially over. I was almost ready to deal with that and you married him, without even considering my feelings on the matter. Of course I realize you never considered my feelings on any matters because it was your belief that I should have none. I was never made of stone. What you did in marrying someone, especially someone who obviously was everything that I'm not says something about your character.... or lack there of. But you're happy now, so obviously all this has worked out well for you. You've lost the weight you wanted to lose, and you have a man who was willing to support you financially while you did what you want. That's great. I guess it's still bitterness in my blood that I want to attack you for how unattractive you were/are, or for all the little things that I let go because I thought I meant something to you. Now that it's clear that I don't mean anything to you I wish I could feed you back some of your own medicine, but I suppose I don't have a heart for it. We could have worked through our problems, but that was too hard for you. I eventually DID solve my career problems, with no help from you.
For the past two years almost I have had to come to terms with that the woman I loved died the day you went out and found another man to cheat on me with. I never believed in cheating to begin with because I thought it was a nasty horrible thing to be unfaithful, especially to a spouse. Now I have even more problems with cheating, because I've been on the receiving end. So I suppose thank you for that. I should have yelled at you about that. I was too hurt to tell you how horrible you were for doing that. Also for not supporting me while I was trying to figure out what to do next. But supportive isn't you.
I do have some things to thank you for. Helping me get this house is one (yes we will get this straightened out sooner or later.) I did learn things from you, and I have some great memories from the time before it all went to hell. For being my first, and that gave me quite a bit. I gained confidence after all this. You gave me something to compare other women to, in which I can see much better what sort of woman might be right for me. I learned so much after you left about what matters to me, and about who I am. The things that I gave up to try and make us work turned out being more important than I thought. I realized that you were trying to turn me into something I'm not and eventually you pushed me farther than I was able to go. I realize I was probably doing some of that to you, or you were doing it to yourself. You never believed me that I found you beautiful, or that you could be yourself and I would love that person, but it was true at the time. I did love you, with all my ability. I never cheated on you. I don't know if I ever told you but I did get a chance once. Sometimes even now I wonder about that road untraveled. I have not found love again, or at least not anything like what you did, and now that wasted opportunity weighs on me. I didn't start wondering until after it was all over with us.
You altered my feelings on relationships irreversibly.  For example you made me realize that I deserved better than what you did to me. At the time I thought that was a great thing, but on reflection at many times in my journey I have started to wonder if what we were is the best women could give me.... and made me wonder if I should be with men because I have known men who are more trustworthy than you are... of course I can say now that I think I have met women who are more trustworthy and faithful. But you did crush much of my trust and hope in your gender. I've started to realize that all I can really hope for or expect from a woman is that I get good memories at the time I'm with her. Marriage and children require two people who are willing and capable of making a life long commitment. You completely and without a shadow of a doubt proved that you could not follow through on that. I could have. If you hadn't done what you did, which I'm certain now you did to wreck us, I would have grown old with you. I would have had children with you. I would have even joined the military if that had been what it took to make us work. But your commitment meant so little to you that you would rather go find someone "better". I hope he is. I hope it was worth it. I hope you never look back and regret a moment. Because you filled my life with regrets, in every moment I spent believing in you, that I married you, bought this house (it's been a mixed blessing), bought the car that was meant to be a family car... and now I may never have a family. You promised what you couldn't give. I mean I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, because I have yet to meet a more lost and not in touch woman than you.
It doesn't shock me that we could never be friends, and it shouldn't shock you. After all you did to me I can barely be cordial with you. And you obviously have no respect for me at all. I'm still trying to figure out if you were lying to me every time you said that you loved me. I mean how huge was this deception? Did you even find me attractive or was it all about the guilt you felt that I had fallen for you, and that we had given ourselves to each other before the wedding? Where you ever even really happy with us or was it all a lie? I was happy, but I've learned quite well that my perception and reality are very different. The most obvious example was when everyone dropped out of our wedding. They said it was because they felt like we shouldn't get married. I always thought that was because of my immorality, or my issues, I never dreamed it was because you were unstable. I wish someone other than my best man had put it that way. He told me you would take and take until I didn't have anymore. Man, hit the nail on the head didn't he? And then when I didn't have anymore, or so you believed, you moved on. Like some sort of human locust.... I shouldn't say such things.... but at some point someone needs to tell you the unvarnished truth of this story. I haven't killed myself yet, but I've lost count of the number of times I would have rather you poisoned my food one night rather than what you did to me. You left me broken dead and alone, without anyone for support but my family, and the man you left there died. As far as who I am now it's the man that came out of that rebirth. The man you married is gone, he's not coming back.
I'm sorry that it ended this way. From now on it will be all business again.
For the last time,
Love,
Max

start of a new epic narrative perhaps.

So I spent quite a lot of time last night discussing through all the crap that I've been trying to process for the past week. Things like being suicidal, dealing with my feelings for Nikki, trying to help her, to some extent trying to process how she's dealing with her stuff. Ok, look, I'm not getting to finish my thoughts any more because I don't get enough time with my keyboard to type out everything I'm thinking. If you want to know the truth that's the greatest frustration in my life right now. This is my best therapy I can get between visits to the doctor and I don't get to have it when she's using it to play music all night. (Country music too, I'm trying to like it, key word trying.) I just wish I could afford to replace my desktop, then I would use that all the time, or she could use it, it doesn't really matter to me since all I want to do is read articles, check facebook and play minecraft. Not big demands I think. I don't even get off much anymore. Oh and watch the shows I miss. Still, not much.
Anyway the point I'm getting around to is that right now I feel like a man walking through the desert, I know that there is water somewhere out here. So I'm walking in the direction of where I THINK water should be. Of course in my case the water is moving, but whatever. I'm deep enough in that it's my sincere belief that I'm closer to this water source than I am if I were to start going in another direction. If I were to turn around and try and hike back to where I came from for example (metaphorically speaking the christian world), it would be a much longer hike than just pushing on. The problem is the lack of a map, or any way to measure distance. I've subjected myself to shortage before, that isn't REALLY the issue. The issue is how long will it last? I feel like jews waiting for the allies to liberate me. Like in that movie Jacob Liar. I keep hoping that the things I'm seeing are signs that what I need is on it's way... but I don't know. My brain might be perceptive on it or not. My honest opinion right now is probably not before she leaves to go back home, which means the wait is pretty much indefinite. Because that makes the wait not just for her to come home, but for her to come back. Which is sketchy at best. *sigh* But that's how it is. You take off to throw a ring into a mountain.... which should be a simple enough task, and then you get stuck along the way. Kidnapped by orcs and the like. By the third book you don't even know why you're doing shit anymore. All you want is to take off the fucking ring and throw it in the mountain.... and then you can't because you've gotten hooked. Lets not go that far with the metaphor. 

well nothing happening now.... thoughts on that

So her husband Jon shows up.......... NOW for the explaination.
Yes, I did say I'd never sleep with a married woman... and I suppose life is making me keep that promise. Anyway he's gay, they got married because, honestly I still don't get it, to have a family I suppose..... I would have just moved in together, but hey.

I've been thinking about Lindsay.... for lack of anything better to do. She talks about her ex, her husband talks about his ex, I talk about Lindsay.... semi nostalgically with all the bitterness that lives in my soul. So finally I check her profile to see a new picture of her oggling her new husband. Life sure is kind to her. Nice to see it works for somebody. If I could just end all that, but I'm not capable of cruelty on any level.... so it would appear at any rate.

I'm thinking about going to bed.