in which women TICK me off

So I've made no secret that I find women to be a disappointment on many fronts.
Such is the case with my latest lady friend (the enigmatic number 8). She's the youngest I have dated, and I honestly cannot tell what her position is. When she sees me she hugs me. She shows no interest in kissing me, or caring quite honestly. I mean what is a guy supposed to expect from all this?

And my friend, who is really the best, says "on to the next." And to some point I agree, but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of over and over again, meeting, them losing interest, I go find another. Can't we just skip the whole thing?

I will date the girl from VENUS!!

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I think They Might Be Giants have some of the best metaphors in music. Every once and awhile when they do talk about relationships it seems to imply a sort of wistful sadness and joy in it.

Just these lines:
"I will date the girl from venus
flowers die and so will I
I will date the girl from venus
for science!"

It reminds me quite a bit of End of the Tour

"At the end of the tour
when the road disappears
if there's any more people around
when the tour runs aground
and if you're still around then we'll meet at the end of the tour

the engagements are booked through the end of the world
so we'll meet at the end of the tour"

The imagery in that captures me so completely. For me it symbolizes the never ending quest for meaning, and how you keep thinking maybe when you achieve it you would find what you've been looking for as well. But the tour never ends. At times it can feel like life will go on forever.

The final lines of the song are:
"And we're never gonna tour again, no we're never gonna tour again."

mixed feelings

I was watching a movie about a lady, a wife that goes crazy and isn't interested in love anymore. It looks like a good movie. It stars Richard Gere, I like him.
Anyway what I'm having mixed feelings about is how I feel about being alone and single watching this movie. The first thought in my head is that I feel rather sad that I can't turn to the woman I care for and say "Would you stick around and make it work, if I lost my mind?" And that is when I get on that razors edge because of the answer. If the answer is no, I'd rather be alone thinking about it. If the answer is yes, of course I'd wish she was here. I guess that's a dedication issue. I've never been with a woman that would say yes. *sigh* That's it for now, watching a documentary on volcanoes.

What is morality?

Actually this is going to be a catch all for most of the stuff wandering through my head, but I'll start with what is morality.
I read/heard (experienced?) a web series on men and women being friends. More on my personal opinion on that and other moral gray area questions, but one particular phrase in the series stood out to me.
That phrase was "doing that wouldn't be honorable to your signifigant other or to God" (actually I'm paraphrasing, it was in a video and I'm not going to track it down.) What struck me about this concept is that it's a rather overstating of the value of honor from my point of view. Let me make this clear, I believe in honor much more than your average guy. So I tell myself anyway. I do believe that you should honor your signifigant other, and I suppose God, but it running that deep doesn't happen often. In this example the action requiring honor was honoring your sig other's request to not hang out with your other sex friends. Now this is situation dependent of course. But in my life, I have had this challenge put to me by a sig other who turned out to be temporary, and it separated me from a friend that wasn't. In the end my decision also resulted in me escalating the friendship, and that didn't work.

  But that's not what I'm challenging here, the rightness of that decision on it's own. It actually comes down to a major decision question from your romantic partner. Our host would lead us to believe that the right thing to do (now mind you she qualified it to if it seems sane), is to respect their wishes. Because it's what is honorable. This speaker seems to also have a much higher opinion of how to satisfy the honor of God than I do. She also in another point in the series said that not following "God's plan for our sexuality" was not honorable. Now I'm sure she has the best intentions in saying this. Let me be clear that I respect her right to preach this. I used to believe in it, at least somewhat. God and sexuality is a hot button issue with me. Now at this point I will be honest, in that I just do not know how God feels about premarital sex. Or postmarital sex(which is a much more apt description as to what I do that is considered "sinful").

 I know that cheating is wrong, and damaging. Lust to some extent is wrong, if it escalates to the point that you value sex over humans... in some situations anyway. If you love someone, and you start out lusting after them too, then one day the lust dies down and because sex is so much to you, you must go cheat, that's a problem. If it somehow causes your partner harm, that's a problem. But lust and desire are part of being human.

 I think that's part of what I can't stand about these pureness hounds. They've stripped away some of their humanity and then are so self rightious about it. I respect them, but I hate how they act as if they think they are right. If they are right, and I have said this countless times, then prove to me that a woman exists out there that both A: is capable of satisfying my needs for a long term (talking about 50 years here) relationship and B: would value or experience benefit from me having less sex now. Of course if they could prove that I would benefit from that we would be having a different conversation as well (actually there is a book out there called "Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children", but I don't have the money or time to order it. If I spent that money I would have to read it. And if I had to read it and it sucked, it would be a major waste. I am thinking about it.)

Look, I'm not saying I want to have unlimited sex. I don't want unlimited fake or other smokes either. But I'm not interested in quitting smoking. If I can get to a point of moderation (which I have when I'm happy), I'd be much more satisfied than if I had to live a clean lifestyle. It's my personal belief that God wants me to be happy. To destroy myself with sobriety seems like just as dishonorable as if I spent all my time getting high, or having sex. From time to time God blesses me by sending a beautiful woman into my life. They usually want to sleep with me. And it's usually amazing. They rarely seem to intend to stick around longer than that, sadly. Does that mean I should turn them down and waste this blessing? Yeah, if actual Christians read all that they'd be screaming at me about how I'm rationalizing. My answer? Maybe. A bit. I try to be honest on here. But on the other hand my defence mechanisms will occasionally take over. You have to remember I am at this point dealing with every bit of my own pain alone.

Now, what else is bothering me? The friendship bubble for one. I'm still a little POed by the fact that every once and awhile when I do like a girl and I let her know she isn't into it. Regular readers will know which one in particular bothers me most. I guess I don't understand why. Actually part of it was that I didnt remind her of a certain someone. All the winners she's been with remind her of him, her first guy.

What else? My ex wife. Still the only woman I have successfully committed to. And still the worst person for me in the history of my life. It's her birthday tomorrow. Apparently her marriage isn't in any trouble.... that saddens me. Life is quite kind to her. How can there be any God in that situation? Or to be more accurate, how can a God who loves me and punishes the sinful be in that?

Post note: here is a link to the last part of the series I referred to, the links to the rest are on that page:
http://loveandrespectnow.com/2011/11/can-guys-girls-be-friends-question-6/

No life without wife

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I think no life without wife sums up my problem with this christian viewpoint. All of their arguements are founded on a simple non truth, that everything in life is building towards marriage. But it isn't. Marriage is a thing, and some people get married. But some people don't. Some people shouldn't. Anyway I could go on all day attacking women, but I am aware that men are part of the problem too. At this point, quite honestly lately I feel like the expectations on men are SO high, and men can only do so much. A husband is expected to be sweet, kind, a good listener, faithful, pure, a good provider(something few husbands can control, if working 9 to 5), and at times practically psychic. I lost count of the times I had to tell my wife I wasn't psychic. Maybe her new husband is. Regardless of whether he is he has enough money to make her happy. This goes back to what I hate about the relationship contract. In theory it's founded on love, right? So how come how much I make is a factor? I can't control that much at the moment. Yes if I dropped out of school I could make considerably more money..... which is why my ex wife's dad probably never attended college. But I don't like the idea that if I get laid off or can't find a job my wife will leave me. If that was the case my parents would be divorced. Which might have been my ex's problem with them. If someone loves you money shouldn't matter.... but it does.

I just got a text from the girl I want...... *sigh*

she remembered my birthday...... maybe she cares...... I hate/love that I still think this way. I was going to say just hate but why would I keep doing it if I didn't like it. I want to fall in love with her and marry her. and I'm just like "Brain stop doing that..... yes it's possible, but unlikely" wanting things that are unlikely is trouble for me.  She's..... just perfect. Beautiful, smart, heck I want her to have my kids. I want to go to bed with her every night..... it's a good start. Maybe it will happen at last.

*forgets where he is in rant and goes off to school*

Discussions on sex

So I ran into a wonderful little series on sex and christianity, I say wonderful of course to mean that I think it's all bunk but I'm glad for the discussion:
http://faithoncampus.com/overcoming-a-culture-of-instant-gratification/

So anyone who has ever read me is going to know what my problems are, but for those of you that haven't let me sum it up. I lived in that culture of "I don't have sexuality, I have GOD." And it's the most damn depressing thing since "I don't have political beliefs, the church tells me what I believe...." And just as evil, if not more so (wow, that hurts to say.) I did not sleep with a woman until I met my wife. And yes, we shared a bed before we were married. That made us sinners right off the bat, and I'm relatively sure that's one of the only reasons she married me. This is why I hate hate hate hate HATE this culture of denying sexuality, because of where it leads. Christians don't want to talk about the cost of chastity. They want to talk about the pretty parts. Which is really hard because chastity to a male is the equal of looking at his body, telling it that he hates it and wants it to feel agony, and hitting it repeatedly with a mallet until it stops. Once you start experiencing sexual pleasure stopping is really hard. And even if you manage to stop...... you start to get really messed up. What do I mean by that? Completely chaste men bother other men. We can just SMELL that something is wrong. Not literally, but it's just this aura of "I'm sick, broken, and dying, and I chose this path." This is one of the ways that the church breaks down our will and tests how much control they have over us. After all if they can get us to change our sex habits, then smoking, drinking and politics are easy. So I don't want to spend the rest of my day talking about how awful the results of chastity are. Having been chaste (or moreso than I am now), I can say I hated every minute of it, and I have quite a bit of respect for how much effect the words of those in spiritual authority over us can have. If I am ever in the spot of spiritual authority to speak to young people I doubt I would have the cruelty to talk about abstinence to those that have already had sex. You might as well tell them to chop off their right leg.

Now that's not to say abstinence isn't possible, shockingly enough it entirely is. If I wanted (and I don't) to stop having sex..... I'd just stop. It's the same as the process of stopping smoking. You take away the fuel, in this case women and porn (oh I'm not even touching what's wrong with the church's views on porn.) After the fuel is gone just sit back and enjoy the steady descent into madness. It's a detox. After a few horrifying months of that you are detoxed and ready to be another drone. (SARCASM) God is sooooo proud.
Let's talk (briefly) about why we search out pleasure. This for me all comes back to my semi hedonistic roots. In my personal belief structure, well for one I believe that once you have lost your virginity and innocence it's never coming back. Another thing is that being an excellent lover has great effects on your self esteem. All good things come from God and this includes tobacco, alcohol and sex (and probably some drugs). At some point I reached the point that I realized that the chances of me finding "The ONE" for me were diminishing. It has come down to the point that while I'm not closed off to the idea (quite the opposite), I don't expect it. I wouldn't place any bets on me ever getting married again, or having kids. But that doesn't mean my life is over, because I'm not tied and bound to a rule system that says if I am unloved on a deeper level I can't experience the joys of love. Because love is a gift, I can share it with women that I often barely know. Regardless of that it's me saying "I have hope, I find you attractive and I would really like it if you stayed around." They don't, of course, because God didn't build loving men in as a standard feature in women. Like compassion, it only comes on the deluxe models and he's not making as many of those recently (theorizing here).  In a world without marriage or goals it becomes the understood goal of a man to make the best of it. The best of it in the case of being a young man with no hope in the future is to embrace and understand this simple idea: Life and relationships are just a chain of experiences. You have to make the most of them, squeeze all the juice out of life and come back for seconds. Because one day the things you love, such as your relationships and loved ones, will die. And on that day all you will have is the memories of what you loved to sustain you. So make good memories. Good memories trump good decisions. Introduce me to a woman that I want enough to abstain for and I might consider it. But she would have to love me enough to make that pain worth it. And let me be frank.... aside from my mother I've never seen a woman love ANYONE enough to do that. Actually probably not even my mother.
Wrapping it up, I may someday believe that I should have had less sex... I mean that's possible. I would rather have worked out some of my early kinks now rather than meeting my future wife and thinking she had to be the answer to all of my sexuality. Let's face it, no woman can live up to that challenge. I would say the same about men but I have seen men do that in a capable way. Which sounds sexist. And it is, because I have seen men do much more and much more competently when it comes to sex and love than women. Women are good at many things, but as far as being everything a man needs....... yet to see it is all I can say.

Max Malcolm for President

Ok, let me give you a moment to get over your shock, and let's get down to the issues. For one, I'm aware that due to age restrictions and experience I'm not likely to get on the ballot. That does not stop me from wanting to voice my feelings on the issues.
For me it all comes down to one issue: the people and the government. That is what this election is about, that is what all of them have been about. Republicans and Democrats have different opinions on what government is. To the right it's a necessary evil, because they have to have someone to spend on the military. To the left it's a tool to further the cause and maybe help people. Both have lost the vision of what government is. Government is there to serve the people as best as it can. Think of that as a mission statement. When someone gets up to capital hill it's only because of a whole lot of support from people outside of politics. Now this is where people can also get confused, they say "Well if I control all the money and all the power why can't I just have my money back and let the government find other ways to pay for stuff." That's a rotten attitude. Because you aren't just taking back your money, you're taking your neighbor's money, and people you haven't even met's money. Maybe it's being raised christian that gave me a different view on how money works. When you make money you are not responsible for all of it. No matter what you are doing, someone gave you it. They used systems in place, and you used systems in place, to make you a little better off. Without infrastructure there would be no business, without regulations there would be no people's rights.
My personal pet theory is that at some point the government has been just in the black, or not in the red. At that point people got greedy and started taking money out without putting any back in. That's where the debt comes from. The government does not have a no limits credit card to give you anything you want. The government needs to make a profit again. Yes I am talking about nationalization of corrupt businesses. I think that should be the ultimate penalty for corporate criminals. So that is why I will never be in with either party, because being pro nationalization is still a position held by the minority.
I am also heavily pro seperation between church and state, and if elected that would be one of my priorities. The same with getting this country back to making money, and not losing it like it's going out of style. You know if we spent the amount we spend servicing our debt on any single issue we could solve it substantially. Or we could cut taxes for people who need it, like businesses that relocate to america.
I will address the candidates on their issues next time.

Max Malcolm, Pro Beard, Pro Jobs, Pro AMERICA!

Gaston issues

I have often had issues with Gaston out of Beauty and the Beast, in that many things about his character don't make sense, examples:

Gaston has a long self titled song all about him. During this song he brags "When I was a lad I ate 4 dozen eggs every morning to help me get large, and now that I'm grown I eat 5 dozen eggs so I'm roughly the size of a barge" To make a dozen eggs a day it takes 18 hens, so that's 72 hens as a kid, 90 as an adult. Who tends all those chickens? Are there any eggs left for anyone else? Is that why his sidekick is so small? Also he claims that every last inch of him is covered with hair, but I see no beard on his face....

Oh and he's not the size of a barge... and he's not at all sea worthy.... without a beard especially. They don't feed barges eggs.... so who knows where he got this strange idea that eating eggs would make him as big as one. Perhaps he needs more employment and there is a shortage of barges. This is just one of the many mysteries that he has. Another that has often been debated in my house is why he completely ignores the three blonds that pine over him the whole movie. Another is if he has the sort of absolute power to get the whole town to march out in the middle of the night to a dark castle and do battle with magic furniture, couldn't he think of something better to do with that sort of influence? Where are Gaston's parents? If Gaston is a hunter then doesn't wearing red sort of throw off the idea of camouflage? Also strutting around bragging with a yappy side kick doesn't exactly help lure the various woodland creatures in. Does Gaston even live anywhere aside from at the bar? Also how does he survive on this diet he has primarily consisting of beer and eggs? The fact that he has avoided high blood pressure or other coronary problems is a medical miracle. Why just eggs? Does Gaston have a problem with bacon and pancakes? What kind of example is that to set for the little ones? What happens to the village when Gaston is dead and all these people who had spent their whole lives sucking up to him have to find something else to do with their lives?

And that's not all that is wrong with the movie, if you look around you'll notice no one has parents except Bell who just has her crazy father (who resembles the sultan in Alladin a bit too closely for comfort) and chip who has Mrs Potts. And there's another problem, was chip born after she turned into a pot or did she just have a really weird sense of humor about naming her kid? Do all the enchanted people have to eat? Do they age? If not then why would they want to go back if they could have been immortal?

And there's more subtle issues. A good example is that I think Bell's attraction to the beast is rooted in both her enjoyment of his kind heart and her arousal at his primal nature. When he turns back into a human wouldn't that cause some of the attraction to die? I expect someday she's going to wake up and realize that quite literally, he isn't the beast she fell in love with. And who is going to handle that divorce? Fairy tale court? Would he turn back into a beast if she left him? So many questions are unanswered.

naming convention fun

So I was looking through boring stats and stuff and it appears I picked a really distinctive name for my blog. This is somewhat gratifying to me, though at the same time rather shocking. I thought that many people would have the image of a blog as a sort of explosion of ideas from their head. The difference I would think in my name, and how I tried to make myself distinctive is by putting the word improved in front of it. Of course this wasn't actually a marketing move, it was more of an attempt to distance myself from my previous blogging attempt: "Larry Albano's Head Explosion" which was of course my rants and observations packaged under another name. It obviously didn't fool anyone as I discovered it was unfortunately linked to me in a irreversible way. Of course I could have opened up new accounts and continued to try and disguise my deep, disturbing and rather volatile thoughts. But I decided to improve my honesty and just publish under my name, hence improved. I still sincerely doubt that anyone aside from a girl I dated very early in the game has found both me in real life and this blog. And even if they did I would welcome anything they had to say about either.

Anyway in a group of google searches I did to see where I came up, I found some fun links:
http://mindhacks.com/2009/05/07/exploding-head-syndrome/ 

  http://www.mit.edu/~mkgray/head-explode.html

And the snopes article about that exact weekly world news article:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/chess.asp

The weekly world news, america's silliest in print publication. Prominent player in great overlooked Mike Myers movie "So I Married an Axe Murderer".

And finally, on the topic of movies, we have movies featuring exploding heads:
http://unrealitymag.com/index.php/2010/02/24/videos-of-heads-exploding-in-movies/

Of those movies I have seen Pulp Fiction and Mars Attacks, and am unlikely to put any of the remaining movies on my must watch list. Just saying.
Anyway tune in next time for more stuff that just comes out of my head. And what's more you don't have to go to the movie theater, or have a rare medical disorder, or work for the weekly world news to experience it.

the infamous number 8 has been found

So I think it is worth saying I didn't intend to reach number 8 to begin with. Can you believe there was a time I believed I would only reach ONE, hooo boy that's a good one.
Hey now while I'm thinking about old number one I have some news, some news that amuses me.
The other day I was stalking around the ex wife's profile and she has a link to a marriage seminar. She said she really wants to make her marriage work, and heal from the past. HAHAHAHA! Justice thy name is pain. Whether she fails or not she is weak. I will enjoy following, even from a distance, in hopes that her marriage will wither and drop dead. Just for my gratification. Though to tell the truth I am quite gratified to begin with.
All I need now is to hear a news report that Thomas was drafted into the military and lost a leg in some sort of horrible explosion... and his junk. You know I found out that gutless swine stole hundreds worth of DVDs? Never trust a man you love, this is coming from a male perspective. So.... backhanded, double crossing.... I'm glad I hurt him while I could.
So, back to gladder tidings. Yes I have found a new woman to see. I have seen her for three days. Now, here is the trouble: My heart deeply desires to fall for her. I knew when I first met her, which was an impulse decision. We got high together and started talking, and I saw something of myself in her. Which says a number of disturbing things, but nevertheless she is the ideal mate in some respects if that is the case. Genetically I have already made up my mind. If she would have me from a mating standpoint, strictly biological, I would have her and her alone. Whether the rest lines up is beyond me. Whether she'll feel the same, or feel anything towards me is beyond me. She obviously likes me... somewhat. She challenges me spiritually, and mentally to some degree. I like that. She's beautiful, she feels amazing in my arms. I just... I don't know what I feel right now. What I feel right now is worry and fear. What if she doesn't care for me in the long run and I lose her? How will I handle that if it happens? Do I need to prepare for that now?
What if she does want me, now and forever, to be her only? How will I react? Can I be all that she needs in a man? Frankly I don't know.
Obviously I haven't told her all the truths about me, though she has told me many of herself. To some extent I have things I cannot help but reveal.... and those I try to reveal beautifully. I feel so clumsy trying to show her how I feel at times. She communicates by touch, so touching is how I try and show... something, anything. It's not my first language you know. *sigh* This is not what I pictured God, yet his fingerprints are on her. Well they've been on a few girls. Regardless I can't disrespect the fingerprints of God.
The fingerprints of God are when you discover bits of someone that achieve what God is trying to achieve. He put things in them just to do whatever his will is. He's funny like that.
I realize right now that I'm the only one who says that. That God is just plane funny. Maybe it's because taking him at his word is so hard. It's much easier to laugh and say "yeah God sure does some goofy things, glad I don't have to understand them". Which isn't to say I don't try. But my biggest try, to understand my vision, has yet to bare fruit. Sometimes, particularly at times like this when the blessings of heaven flow from the sky, I lift my head up and ask again. I open my hands, ready to receive. As of yet I haven't seen anything of it. But it's a nice feeling, a feeling that maybe God is getting around to answering prayers, or at least soothing pain. And that, for now, is a relief.

PS: I notice quite a few more people are reading. Just wanted to let you guys know I appreciate it, and to feel free to comment, as long as you aren't double posting and have something productive to say I'll probably respond or at least leave discussion open.

christian idiots

Alright, I'm going to purge on here because I'm really really REALLY pissed. actually first I'm going to call the suicide hotline, yes, I'm THAT pissed.
purged.... all over their site. Serves them right the bastards.
You know christians really are the most condescending jerks on the planet. Right now I'm pissed enough I'm almost willing to start donating money to the muslim brotherhood. Anyone anti christian really. Maybe christianity will be burned to the ground like it needs to be for healthy people to start growing instead..... Actually I think bad people are just attracted to christianity because christianity doesn't believe in helping hurt people, it believes in telling them to suck it up. I hate recovery. I hate everything they stand for right now.

how to not make me fall in love with you

I hope this illustrates a good road map for how to keep me from forming a long term bond with you.
1. Remind me of my ex wife, or of any of the woman that have hurt me, if you even resemble them and the way they hurt me you can measure our relationship in the amount of time it takes for me to determine if you are similar enough to them to hurt me the same way.
2. Confuse sex with love. Just because I have sex with a woman doesn't mean I love them. It usually means I want to love them. But when they start using me for sex then that's all it will ever be. When I am nothing but a sex toy to you then you'll be nothing but a whore to me.
3. Lie or deceive me about something important. If you pretend to be something you're not sooner or later it will come out. Even if I don't find out, it will eat you alive and you'll leave me. Or I'll do something like start a fight and read you like a book. Don't EVER assume I'm green enough to buy into your lies. Even if I don't catch you, before you have a shot at my money or my long term affection you'll be passing before some of the best eyes in the business of examining women. I don't trust easily, especially once I suspect you.
4. Expect me to become something I'm not. I am what I am, from the day I was born until I die. Expecting me to develop into your ideal man is just plain stupid. Go find that man, I'll find someone who loves me as I am, or be alone. Because I love me as I am. And you'll learn sooner or later that I don't react quickly or effectively to advice or corrections to my personality.

If you want me to love you just love me as I am. When we make love  it needs to be about us, not about making your joy bits happy. If you want your joy bits made happy then there are stores that sell products that do that. I am not currently in the hobby of making other people's joy bits happy for kicks. If you ever look at me like I'm the only man for you, and love me as I am, you'd probably have my heart forever. But seeing as I'm unsure such a wonderful person exists I might just be talking to the night air.

self esteem

So I guess I should get this out, while I'm still cognitive enough to say it. Yet again I find myself attracted to a woman I can't have. I realize on some level that I have been avoiding such women (the type I might be attracted to) out of fear. I just realized I don't even know her name. She's awsome though, and that's not just the hormonal rush of "oooh I want some of that" (rarer and rarer these days). She's actually far more intelligent than me... or so she appears. That's hard for me to deal with on it's own level... Why would I want a woman who has dominated me in debate? She listens better than me, for one. While we're in this mode where it becomes possible to look at my flaws in comparison to someone more awsome, I should note that she is better at logical deconstructions. She's beautiful and doesn't even show it off. Honestly I don't think she's into men... I can't imagine her being into a guy like me.
She's got this softness. Like maybe she actually has a heart or something.... her hair looks soft. Yeah, that's a small thing, I agree, it means the entire world though. Her skin has this luminous quality. Now that could  be hormones, because I noticed those two things when I was only a few feet away.
What this brought me around to thinking about is my entire approach. The basics of my philosophy approach goes back to vonnegut. In Cat's Cradle vonnegut (by way of Bokanon) explains a theory involving how all men are made up equally of saint and pirate. They believed in this society he creates that society needs dynamic tension between men acting those parts. But it speaks of caution because the man playing pirate (the dictator) kills himself because he can't stand playing that role so completely. His opposite (the holy man Bokanon) becomes sick of being the saint.
My decision to become whom I have become all started the day my wife cheated on me. On that day, or shortly thereafter (possibly a little before), I realized that who I was didn't mesh well with the universe. I was too nice, too accommodating, and I had been taken advantage of. Multiple times, but this time I was so clearly aware that a woman that got attached to an overly kind man would use him and throw him out when she got bored. So I became a pirate. Not literally.... but I changed my ENTIRE approach. Down to how I got dressed, approached my lifestyle, even body language. I changed my working image of myself from "Max, family man" to "Max, pirate king". I realized that role required no one to validify my right to be it. I've done everything from that perspective, much of my kindness has withered or passed into the background. I may not be a complete villain, but I'm not a hero. I'm not going to save anyone.

I get it, at last

So if you know me you know that I have often grappled with a major evolution question. Why does natural selection want to increase the biomass of the unintelligent and decrease the boimass of the intelligent (without removing it.) Common sense says that learned people would practice more protection, and plan families. Unlearned people would be more promiscuous and have more offspring. So you see the multiplier.... something like  2/3 higher. Anyway the math leans towards a 1/3 decrease by the generation. It's really the difference between the learned approach and the by nature (by lust) approach. If you have the passion and temperament to procreate often, like a wild baboon, then you're in the natural.
If you prefer to procreate by careful selection of an ideal mate... well that's a human problem. You have to think to do that, and hence it takes longer. You all spend most of your biomass towards working your brain, which means you might not be as strong as another man in other areas.
Anyway biomass favors the worker over the overseer. Regardless of skill there will always be plenty of workers. Our culture... well my personal culture says that being a worker has no significance. I have always felt I was meant for a life of significance. Anyway a person meant for such a life is not doing themselves any favors following other's visions. So our species breeds down our population of visionaries. Originally in my pet plan for the human race I had suggested that in an ideal society would pair down the unselecting biomass (what I'm thinking of calling freeform biomass) and integrating more of the selecting biomass. Or selecting by purpose what kind of biomass the society needs. We already have rule of the smart biomass (for the most part), and the more biomass there is in the role of strength. The adaptive nature of the biomass is how the species adjusts it's resources to meet it's needs. So yes our planet needs free unselecting wild biomass. We just need to find better ways of determining what it is. I know this is racist, but it's not about race. It's not about that some are born BETTER suited for certain work. We do a crappy job of seeing that. So instead people have to wander around waiting for
More later, maybe, if you're good.

only the good die young

One of my favorite songs, by Billy Joel, is called Only the Good Die Young.
The song is a sort of plea to a young catholic girl, we must assume a plea with her to engage in carnal knowledge. I had heard the song for years and thought that it was referring to the fact that it always seems when the young die they are referred to as good. Therefore through some sort of irrational logic we might assume that the evil and immoral don't die young. Well to some extent they don't by that logic. When someone dies of bad decisions, what we in the western world consider immoral and wrong, it is almost always considered a theft. That death has stolen them is considered the injustice, not their own bad actions that resulted in their death.
But recently upon rehearing the song, and upon becoming no longer one of the good, I have determined that this relationship does not have to do with ill deeds extending your years. Yes it is true that when you are full of ill deeds the world will long think that you have lingered longer than you should have in life. However only the good die young refers to the simple fact of this: Age is wisdom. Ill deeds bring pain and wisdom in abundance. No one can deny that an evil man experiences the all of life... The good man is chained down. His purity binds shackles around him that holds him to youth, inexperience, and so when he dies, whether he be 10 or 100 he will die young. The wicked man, though I hate to call him that, will never die young. When he dies it will always be his time. That is the beauty of things, yet that is the sad way of the world.
I don't know whether or not I can completely turn myself over to the ways of pleasure and pain. At times I cannot stand them. Like a never ending funeral march it pushes on, with me at the front of the procession which at times takes up the jubilant cries and music of a parade... yet where is the destination? I see none but the grave at the moment, unless I can defeat it. I search never ending to defeat it..... Will I die young? I doubt it. I am not pure, I am not young, and most likely I am not good.

where-in my brain decides that hurting me is amusing

I'd like to note that my brain hurting me isn't a new thing, I'm just more certain now than ever that it does not have my best interests in mind. Actually I'd say it's my subconscious that can't deal with anything.
So I'm listening to Warren Zevon trying to deal with the pain.
It's not a stabbing pain, honestly if I wasn't aware of it I would probably hardly notice. I mean I wake up sick every morning of my life, I spend a good 25 percent of my day in some sort of pain. There comes a time when you stop calling it pain and start calling it life. Honestly I think it's just there so that when you feel good you can appreciate it.
      So what is really bothering me right now is a dream I had last night. Another dream about Lindsay coming back..... You know she's actually beautiful again..... not mine anymore though. That is a point of irritation still, weird as it is for me to say. Though her soul is rotten and trusting her is about as wise as eating off the floor of a public correction facility, she's still the woman I married..... And divorced. As the dream went along my conscious started actually processing. This is an interesting process, considering that I have backed off CONSIDERABLY from dream control. I have the ability to control my dreams on command, but when I do I lose all therapeutic benefits. Anyway so I was having a dream about it working out again between me and her... My brain, the eternal optimist painting a picture of us happy again, happier than I remember being I would like to point out. But then my conscious mind started making corrections, and it always does that by asking questions:
"What about your sexuality?"
Well, I guess we'll work it out if she's committed to us.
Before I even finished thinking that:
"What about your differences?"
I guess we'll work it out.
"What about what she did to you?"
Loooong pause (in dream time think awkward pause, I'm sure it was instant in real time.)
I guess.... we'll have to work that out.
"What about her Husband?"
*Dream crashes*
Yes, my dream literally failed in existence.
Because to begin with, the answer to the first question in real life is that she didn't care enough to adjust and accept me as I am.
Second question pertains to why I let her leave. And I suppose that's why she claimed she left. She in the end was just so far off from what I needed that I couldn't keep her in my life. It was still her choice, but that's the reason I let it happen.
And the third question accounts for even more. What she did to me was unspeakably cruel and showed how little I meant to her.
A question that my mind didn't ask (but that it would have I'm certain if it had failed to wake me up to reality.): "What about what you've done since she left?"
Which is valid. Which is one of the reasons I didn't take her back when I had a brief and unsettling choice about the matter. After being with other women.... I wasn't ready to go back to marriage.... not the way it was.
And finally, the most unforgivable thing of all, she took another man, is still with that man and loves him way more than she cared about me. And that is why she and I are on paths that will never again intersect. Sooner or later they'll have children, grow old together and die. I don't want to grow old so maybe I can outlive her. Chances are so so, depending on how well I'm taken care of.
 Sister Act made me feel good. This is actually a very interesting case, one where I find myself shedding a tear, but a tear of joy. In case you don't know the basic plot of Sister Act is about a girlfriend of a mobster who goes undercover at a convent to stay safe. In the middle of this rather nice movie some great music is performed. There is a young shy girl, and I don't know why her case touches my heart, but anyway.... She had the voice of an angel. It reminds me that there is something beautiful about women, if only one thing, their voices. When she sings, you can completely concentrate on the worship act of singing.
Here is the clip, because I can't sum up the beauty of this moment in any other words:
<iframe width="480" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sI8lS8hr-nY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
So, I guess a little injection of optimism in the female species is long overdue. Rock on, or in this case boogie on down.

SOPA threat

Alright, does anybody not know about the huge threat that SOPA is to internet censorship and freedom? I don't know how something like this gets support (OK, I do, lobbyists.) but this is not in the people's best interest. It will kill jobs, and it will put a choker on your freedoms online. If this passes and my senator voted for it, not only will I vote against him, but I will campaign for whomever runs against him, regardless of whether they are a better candidate. This sort of stuff just doesn't cut it in America.
I cannot say enough how upsetting it is to me that this thing has the kind of support it has. It really makes me wonder how much freedom there is left in america.

A day without a story

I realize today as much as any I need to keep to my blogging, the problem is that I have nothing particularly exciting to say. I heard a story of a storyteller who ran out of stories. And so he told the story of all the trouble he got in from running out of stories. Perhaps through introspection I can generate enough to entertain and log my life.
In case you don't know most of my work is the product of the vinegar in my blood. Not literally of course but my passion and hatred gives voice to my mind. And so what happens when nothing is happening one way or another? There is not one wonderful thing for me to speak of. And for the first time in some time, that's perfectly satisfactory.
I suppose my romantic life is the crux of what is going on with me. I had met a lovely young lady, well not so young, older than me. And then she backed off, and so I backed off as well. And I haven't heard from her since. Today I checked what movies were playing on the hopes of finding a movie I could take that lady to. Yet I could not bring myself to get excitement for any of the movies playing. Not even at the dollar movies. I had met another young lady, one that actually was young this time, but I neglected to talk with her again. I'm rather short of passion as of late. My libido is low, and I have found no one who inspires my heart or passions. All there is is work.
I have been exchanging emails with a rather interesting lady. I suppose with some hope I might be able to care for her. Of course I could care for anyone. But no one cares for me. And I don't feel a particular need to correct that.

I have also not seen any wonderful or interesting women at school. At the metro campus in fact there are many whom are hardly worthy of even a second glance. One of my friends quoted a verse today that said every woman deserves to be loved by a man. To be the only one in his heart. But, as I argued, there are many women who are unworthy. Love is the greatest gift you can give someone. Undying devotion is worth more than all the treasure in the world, if only it is from the right person. The only thing I dare say is worth more, is time. Every day you get to live past your promised time is a gift more precious than any. So, if you have time and the right one devoted to you, and there is a roof over your head and you are not hungry, then are you not the richest person you know?
I of course have often considered myself quite rich. I have money to spare, and time that is more precious than anything anyone could offer me in exchange.

selfless path to destruction

You know how much pride I have. So I suppose it comes as no shock to find that I can't stand self sacrifice.
It's not sacrifice on my part that drives me nuts, that I can live with. I'm watching what dreams may come.
It opens beautifully.... two people fall in love... what a dream that is.
Then a perfect family breakfast, before the first loss hits your gut as the main character's children are taken away. Surely there is no better proof that there is no justice than the meaningless death of a child. If it was a genetic or disease problem I could stand it, these are the penalties we pay for our flesh. But these are taken in a car wreck. A hard opening but the movie takes it in stride.
Then... four years later the husband dies.
This is his death, and it makes me so angry at him.
He's driving across town when a huge wreck happens in front of him. He successfully stops the car, only to GET OUT while the wreck is still happening. This is obviously a choice he makes to check if the other people are ok. It's a selfless act... I should be able to forgive that. I can't. Because he leaves his wife alone. His selfless act for a stranger hurts the one he loves most.
I had an argument about this, if you had the choice who's life would you save? Yours or a stranger? The answer most people give is to save the stranger. That, according to society, is the right answer. Again it strikes me how wrong me trying to fit society is. Because even though I would probably die for the simple reason if it made God smile, taking away a loved one is wrong, especially from those you love. Well so I've been taught... that's the only reason I'm not dead anyway.
I dreamed my dog died last night. The other dog broke her back. I tried to save her.... but I couldn't. Her cries of pain, the wound itself hurt me. I can't stand to see pain in those I love. Maybe she's all that is keeping me going anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night just so I could go out and hold her and know she was ok.

If I had a wife, and she loved me I would never let myself die if I had a choice. I suppose I'm being convicted... as God loves me but I would gladly take myself out of his world. Same for my parents.
I don't understand why someone would sacrifice their life for a stranger... yet Jesus did supposedly. No I'm not preaching. I'm confused. Because it was bad logic. Though I suppose he knew a bit more about what comes after... he could still do things after.... If I had that kind of power I wouldn't die.

vision

I have just received a huge flash of inspiration, which is as usual a project so big that I don't have access to nearly enough resources to start it.
Imagine if you had the resources and knowledge to start your own country ( I have some of the knowledge but none of the resources, for now we'll keep the specifics on the down low. (ah once again my keyboard is messing up, C key this time.))
Now supposing you had the resources and the control over them to achieve what needs to be done to start your own country, this is what you should do:
1: establish a universal neutrality pact with the UN and all nuclear power. In said pact imply quite clearly that you will A: act under the laws of the UN so long as the UN respects your sovereignty. and B: trade equally with all powers that can afford your products. Make close friends with at least one large nuclear power.
2: Put out an across the board call for inventors, scientists and well educated people. Find people in need of research, and pledge as many resources as you can provide to their research provided that they retain residency and pay a percentage of the profits on inventions and discoveries made on your soil.
3: Sell the products. Your profit will be the highest in the civilized world, your people will be universally employed, and you will have made the world a better place.
 

That's my idea.