I'd like to note that my brain hurting me isn't a new thing, I'm just more certain now than ever that it does not have my best interests in mind. Actually I'd say it's my subconscious that can't deal with anything.
So I'm listening to Warren Zevon trying to deal with the pain.
It's not a stabbing pain, honestly if I wasn't aware of it I would probably hardly notice. I mean I wake up sick every morning of my life, I spend a good 25 percent of my day in some sort of pain. There comes a time when you stop calling it pain and start calling it life. Honestly I think it's just there so that when you feel good you can appreciate it.
So what is really bothering me right now is a dream I had last night. Another dream about Lindsay coming back..... You know she's actually beautiful again..... not mine anymore though. That is a point of irritation still, weird as it is for me to say. Though her soul is rotten and trusting her is about as wise as eating off the floor of a public correction facility, she's still the woman I married..... And divorced. As the dream went along my conscious started actually processing. This is an interesting process, considering that I have backed off CONSIDERABLY from dream control. I have the ability to control my dreams on command, but when I do I lose all therapeutic benefits. Anyway so I was having a dream about it working out again between me and her... My brain, the eternal optimist painting a picture of us happy again, happier than I remember being I would like to point out. But then my conscious mind started making corrections, and it always does that by asking questions:
"What about your sexuality?"
Well, I guess we'll work it out if she's committed to us.
Before I even finished thinking that:
"What about your differences?"
I guess we'll work it out.
"What about what she did to you?"
Loooong pause (in dream time think awkward pause, I'm sure it was instant in real time.)
I guess.... we'll have to work that out.
"What about her Husband?"
*Dream crashes*
Yes, my dream literally failed in existence.
Because to begin with, the answer to the first question in real life is that she didn't care enough to adjust and accept me as I am.
Second question pertains to why I let her leave. And I suppose that's why she claimed she left. She in the end was just so far off from what I needed that I couldn't keep her in my life. It was still her choice, but that's the reason I let it happen.
And the third question accounts for even more. What she did to me was unspeakably cruel and showed how little I meant to her.
A question that my mind didn't ask (but that it would have I'm certain if it had failed to wake me up to reality.): "What about what you've done since she left?"
Which is valid. Which is one of the reasons I didn't take her back when I had a brief and unsettling choice about the matter. After being with other women.... I wasn't ready to go back to marriage.... not the way it was.
And finally, the most unforgivable thing of all, she took another man, is still with that man and loves him way more than she cared about me. And that is why she and I are on paths that will never again intersect. Sooner or later they'll have children, grow old together and die. I don't want to grow old so maybe I can outlive her. Chances are so so, depending on how well I'm taken care of.
Sister Act made me feel good. This is actually a very interesting case, one where I find myself shedding a tear, but a tear of joy. In case you don't know the basic plot of Sister Act is about a girlfriend of a mobster who goes undercover at a convent to stay safe. In the middle of this rather nice movie some great music is performed. There is a young shy girl, and I don't know why her case touches my heart, but anyway.... She had the voice of an angel. It reminds me that there is something beautiful about women, if only one thing, their voices. When she sings, you can completely concentrate on the worship act of singing.
Here is the clip, because I can't sum up the beauty of this moment in any other words:
<iframe width="480" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sI8lS8hr-nY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
So, I guess a little injection of optimism in the female species is long overdue. Rock on, or in this case boogie on down.
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