self esteem

So I guess I should get this out, while I'm still cognitive enough to say it. Yet again I find myself attracted to a woman I can't have. I realize on some level that I have been avoiding such women (the type I might be attracted to) out of fear. I just realized I don't even know her name. She's awsome though, and that's not just the hormonal rush of "oooh I want some of that" (rarer and rarer these days). She's actually far more intelligent than me... or so she appears. That's hard for me to deal with on it's own level... Why would I want a woman who has dominated me in debate? She listens better than me, for one. While we're in this mode where it becomes possible to look at my flaws in comparison to someone more awsome, I should note that she is better at logical deconstructions. She's beautiful and doesn't even show it off. Honestly I don't think she's into men... I can't imagine her being into a guy like me.
She's got this softness. Like maybe she actually has a heart or something.... her hair looks soft. Yeah, that's a small thing, I agree, it means the entire world though. Her skin has this luminous quality. Now that could  be hormones, because I noticed those two things when I was only a few feet away.
What this brought me around to thinking about is my entire approach. The basics of my philosophy approach goes back to vonnegut. In Cat's Cradle vonnegut (by way of Bokanon) explains a theory involving how all men are made up equally of saint and pirate. They believed in this society he creates that society needs dynamic tension between men acting those parts. But it speaks of caution because the man playing pirate (the dictator) kills himself because he can't stand playing that role so completely. His opposite (the holy man Bokanon) becomes sick of being the saint.
My decision to become whom I have become all started the day my wife cheated on me. On that day, or shortly thereafter (possibly a little before), I realized that who I was didn't mesh well with the universe. I was too nice, too accommodating, and I had been taken advantage of. Multiple times, but this time I was so clearly aware that a woman that got attached to an overly kind man would use him and throw him out when she got bored. So I became a pirate. Not literally.... but I changed my ENTIRE approach. Down to how I got dressed, approached my lifestyle, even body language. I changed my working image of myself from "Max, family man" to "Max, pirate king". I realized that role required no one to validify my right to be it. I've done everything from that perspective, much of my kindness has withered or passed into the background. I may not be a complete villain, but I'm not a hero. I'm not going to save anyone.