So I think it is worth saying I didn't intend to reach number 8 to begin with. Can you believe there was a time I believed I would only reach ONE, hooo boy that's a good one.
Hey now while I'm thinking about old number one I have some news, some news that amuses me.
The other day I was stalking around the ex wife's profile and she has a link to a marriage seminar. She said she really wants to make her marriage work, and heal from the past. HAHAHAHA! Justice thy name is pain. Whether she fails or not she is weak. I will enjoy following, even from a distance, in hopes that her marriage will wither and drop dead. Just for my gratification. Though to tell the truth I am quite gratified to begin with.
All I need now is to hear a news report that Thomas was drafted into the military and lost a leg in some sort of horrible explosion... and his junk. You know I found out that gutless swine stole hundreds worth of DVDs? Never trust a man you love, this is coming from a male perspective. So.... backhanded, double crossing.... I'm glad I hurt him while I could.
So, back to gladder tidings. Yes I have found a new woman to see. I have seen her for three days. Now, here is the trouble: My heart deeply desires to fall for her. I knew when I first met her, which was an impulse decision. We got high together and started talking, and I saw something of myself in her. Which says a number of disturbing things, but nevertheless she is the ideal mate in some respects if that is the case. Genetically I have already made up my mind. If she would have me from a mating standpoint, strictly biological, I would have her and her alone. Whether the rest lines up is beyond me. Whether she'll feel the same, or feel anything towards me is beyond me. She obviously likes me... somewhat. She challenges me spiritually, and mentally to some degree. I like that. She's beautiful, she feels amazing in my arms. I just... I don't know what I feel right now. What I feel right now is worry and fear. What if she doesn't care for me in the long run and I lose her? How will I handle that if it happens? Do I need to prepare for that now?
What if she does want me, now and forever, to be her only? How will I react? Can I be all that she needs in a man? Frankly I don't know.
Obviously I haven't told her all the truths about me, though she has told me many of herself. To some extent I have things I cannot help but reveal.... and those I try to reveal beautifully. I feel so clumsy trying to show her how I feel at times. She communicates by touch, so touching is how I try and show... something, anything. It's not my first language you know. *sigh* This is not what I pictured God, yet his fingerprints are on her. Well they've been on a few girls. Regardless I can't disrespect the fingerprints of God.
The fingerprints of God are when you discover bits of someone that achieve what God is trying to achieve. He put things in them just to do whatever his will is. He's funny like that.
I realize right now that I'm the only one who says that. That God is just plane funny. Maybe it's because taking him at his word is so hard. It's much easier to laugh and say "yeah God sure does some goofy things, glad I don't have to understand them". Which isn't to say I don't try. But my biggest try, to understand my vision, has yet to bare fruit. Sometimes, particularly at times like this when the blessings of heaven flow from the sky, I lift my head up and ask again. I open my hands, ready to receive. As of yet I haven't seen anything of it. But it's a nice feeling, a feeling that maybe God is getting around to answering prayers, or at least soothing pain. And that, for now, is a relief.
PS: I notice quite a few more people are reading. Just wanted to let you guys know I appreciate it, and to feel free to comment, as long as you aren't double posting and have something productive to say I'll probably respond or at least leave discussion open.
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