I know my updates haven't been what they should, and what can I say but that usually means one of two things. It's either that life is too good for me to bother, or it's too bad for me to bring anything sublime to writing at all.
This past week and a half has been both.
As I mentioned in several of my previous posts my car is out of service. That has led to missing more classes than I can afford to. Which has led to stress and depression. I'm not going to spiral over it right now, because frankly I'm doing all I can. The car is currently in the shop, I should be hearing something soon.
Second I fell off of insurance. This unfortunately also led to me losing access to the sleeping meds I needed to function, so I had to turn to.... other things. Currently 160 bucks in, and will be another 90 in soon enough, this insurance thing is a bitch. I know that I'm lucky to have anything to help. The bad side is that I lost 5 hours last night due to stomach issues.... which of course is what it is.
I was planning on getting a new vehicle, but the ONLY way that works is if I sell my current vehicle.... which is in the shop. I don't think it is smart to buy something on the faith that someone will buy what I have. So I wait.
Times like this really push my faith to the limit. I feel like I'm writing quite often on this subject. Which means either there is someone out there right now who needs to know they aren't alone, or I will meet people who need the strength I'm building at some point. God doesn't waste anything.
On the surface there is something really sinister in the whole concept of how God turns our pain into his victories. I was supposed to meet with my mentor and my questions for him were based on the movie Adjustment Bureau. One of the central themes in the movie is that some people's entire purpose was to be hurt, but it's for the greater good. This is one of those subverted concepts that exists within our concept of God.
Part of why is most likely how we respond to others in grief. When I know someone is hurting, and I want to give a Christian answer I might be tempted to say "God has a plan". Which sounds good from the side of my life working. However when it is said to me and I am in pain, it's the worst thing in the world to hear. How can this be part of God's plan? I don't care if you lost a job, a car, or even a loved one. The hurt is real when we cry out to God "Why did you let this happen?"
This can actually be a point where more scripture can hurt. We look for if God has taken awhile to show up before. Immediately the stories of Job, David, Exodus and Lazarus come to mind. Starting with Job, God not only took some time to show up, he actually is portrayed as pointing Job out to Satan and painting a target on his back. Talk about tough theology, Job deals almost entirely with grief, while never addressing what God was doing.
David is another standard example of biblical pain. Open up the psalms sometime and read how abandoned and unloved he felt. This is the man after God's own heart. This is one of the greatest warriors of the Bible, and in the thick of it he felt totally alone and abandoned. That's strong stuff. Read Psalm 69 for a specific example of this.
Exodus is one of the worst. God reached a point of such anger that he told an entire generation that they would have to die before he delivered the people to the promised land. Even Moses was never allowed to enter the promised land. In total it took over four hundred years for God to fulfill his promise. Plenty of faithful people died waiting.
Finally, we come to the Christ example in John 11. This is the only time we are privy to the actual process of how God reacts to things. When he finds out his friend Lazarus is sick he makes his way towards him, however he does not arrive in time. Lazarus dies and his family and friends are in mourning. I find this story so easy to relate to because of what happens next. His sister comes up to Jesus, I always imagine her totally broken with grief. She says to him in 21 and 22
"21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”"
I just totally get that feeling. We cry out to him "God, if you had just done this, this wouldn't have happened!"
How many times I have found myself crying because I prayed and believed he would show up, only to see despair.
I remember I had a sales job at a furniture store. I had just started and sales were slow. Over time it became obvious that the determining factor, namely customers, was out of my control. So I went deep into prayer and scripture reading. I begged God to deliver the sales I needed to feed my family. For over a month I tried. Then one day I was called into the office and offered my release. I had failed, and it certainly hurt all the more because I had hoped God would show up. This eventually led to the biggest fight in my marriage, and the marriage fell apart in the end at least partially because of my financial situation.
When she cheated on me, because I wasn't enough, don't you think I asked God "why didn't you provide?"
When I prayed for God to save my marriage, and it died anyway, don't you think I wondered why God had allowed it to happen?
Over the years due to this one moment I have faced foreclosure and nearly lost all I had more times than I want to admit. Where was God?
The thing is, God was with me the whole time. He still is, even in my despair over this situation. I can't tell you jack squat about God's blessing right now, which isn't to say I'm not blessed. The thing about the people in these situations is that if they had faith, they were rewarded. Over and over again he rewards trust and faithfulness.
Now here is the painful truth: if your faith fails it isn't faith.
The most obvious way this is true is in the issue of hope. Eventually, you may lose hope for your situation (in the natural). When I look at the messes in my life I often cry out to heaven: "Why haven't you answered my prayers yet?" Then, I have to stand and wait for an answer. Now this is me, because of a number of issues.
One major one is that I believe in honor and duty. This isn't as common as it used to be. The saying that sums it up is "A man's honor is a gift he gives to himself." This is true. Finding a motivation to act "the right way" is harder for modern men. It's not only that fewer people are teaching honor and duty, but people who are rude and inconsiderate are portrayed as successful.
Keeping my word is a biblical issue for me. The Lord says "let your yes be yes and your no be no". It's not just an issue of doing it for myself, it's doing it because it effects how I'm treated. So I have made a commitment in my life to faith. I've been very careful about how I commit myself. I haven't committed myself to bare any pain for him, I know he calls those commitments. I haven't taken vows of chastity or poverty, I know my character and I know that at least on some level this would cause discord in the relationship.
There is really only one solemn vow I have made, and that is that if God brings me someone he needs me to work with, I won't say no. That's huge for me. I have also vowed to do all I can not to turn from him. Note that I haven't promised never to turn away, again I know my character. I know it's possible that I might get mad enough at him not to listen to him for awhile. He's patient and he can take it. I know that in my heart he will always exist to some extent. However whether I will always trust him is uncertain. Always is such a long time.
But this commitment to try means I still attempt to seek him, even when it seems stupid. Yes, after going through this long bit about how majestic and grand his designs are I still can state it's apparent stupidity. It seems utterly silly to seek out God when he is not going to give you a solid gold guarantee.
As a business agreement it sucks. The input and output are so out of whack it's not even worth investing in as a junk bond. I agree to input my faith, my devotion, my actions and my very life to his will. He in returns makes vague promises of reward, of providing above and beyond my needs, and of a greater life in the here-after. So I am putting in a known, in the amount of energy I put into seeking him. I put a known amount of emotional and financial investment into this arrangement. Then when I come and ask him to do his end of the deal, and it doesn't seem effective. He says he'll do it in his timing. I don't buy this gospel of poverty BS about God wanting us poor. That's like saying God doesn't want us to have sex. It is my belief that God created good things on this Earth for us to enjoy.
Even from a scriptural perspective the gospel of poverty doesn't hold up. I'd have to ignore too many scriptures.
Which brings me back to faith. Faith isn't always hopeful. For me though, faith is the only future I've got. If I thought God was done with me (which is something that passes through my mind from time to time) I'd end it right away. I'd actually be waiting for God to let me die, and who knows maybe he will. At times like this I just sit back in wonder at the darkness in my life. How is God with me even in a hole like this? It's not easy. I can't imagine the agony of being an all powerful God, with empathy, allowing this pain to happen. It would be like watching your kid die of a terminal illness, having the cure, but not being able to administer it.
Depression is terminal, eventually unless you kill it at the root, it'll kill you. Those of us in it can only hope that there is mercy at the end of this thing killing us. We are told over and over to kill yourself is selfish. It's the same level of selfish as shooting up morphine because the pain is too much. Yes, wanting the pain to stop puts me and perhaps others in a selfish place. The pain makes you believe that if you could just end it, everything would be okay. Maybe it would be, for you.
Until I personally reach the point that there is no logical way to make my life work, I won't know what goes through the mind of the suicide victim. I'm committed that if I have to reach that point, it has to hold up in the light of day. I can't just do it just because the wind is wrong on that day, that's not reasonable. I must remember that God is still working, as long as I'm alive there is a chance that he'll deliver. It's not a cheerful thing, I know this ticks off my friends and family.
This life, my life, it belongs to God by choice and me by birthright. Deep in the relationship contract it becomes clear there is probably a place where the needs of the organism are so bad that they supersede the desires of the deity. I haven't found that place yet though. I'd love to meet someone who has, because I am curious about whether I am approaching it. I couldn't tell you.
Love is not logical, and love is not reasonable. If love were reasonable sinful creatures such as us wouldn't be given agape love from God. In the end if I pull from the biblical example it holds up that his will is larger than mine, greater than mine, and better than mine. His will cannot be fully understood by human minds. To say "God you should of" to anything says that you feel like you know what's best. To say that says you know better than God. Holding true to the word and saying you know better are philosophically incompatible
I feel like I'm circling myself here, so I'm going to close in prayer.
Prayer:
God,
Please fill in where I am lacking in wisdom and intelligence. Be my strength when I am weak. Forgive me for my wrong thinking, and help me to have compassion for my fellow broken people. Heal us lord, that we may have life abundantly. Bring us to a better place spiritually, mentally and physically. Help us to ask correctly that we can receive. Help us to seek and find what we are looking for. Show us how to knock so that the doors can be opened. Lord you said that you have a plan for me, a plan for hope and a future. Lord I call you to rebuke the evil one. Put the naysayers and people who doubt what you can do to shame. You said you were on my side like a dread warrior. God please go before me as I go forward. Deliver me on behalf of the righteousness you see in me due to what Christ did.
God help me to learn what I need to learn in this battle. Deliver me on the field of victory like Joshua and David. Break off my chains and free me from my bonds so I might only be bonded to you. Lord you have the power to forgive all sins and debts. Please Lord, where others have saddled me with debt with a false vision of the future, let your grace cover and your victory prevail.
I thank you God for the work I see in those I love. I thank you for working in my life. I thank you that you value faithfulness. I thank you that I don't have to behave to a standard, just to do the best I can. Lord I believe that you are still working to answer the prayers I have brought you. I believe you are planning to work things out even better than I could have hoped for. You are mighty, and you are worthy of praise. Please recognize me, give comfort to my pain and provision for the better future. Lord let my beginnings seem humble so great will my future be! I submit all these things, I give you my pain, my struggle and my confusion. You are with me today, and you won't forget what you promised.
-Max
This past week and a half has been both.
As I mentioned in several of my previous posts my car is out of service. That has led to missing more classes than I can afford to. Which has led to stress and depression. I'm not going to spiral over it right now, because frankly I'm doing all I can. The car is currently in the shop, I should be hearing something soon.
Second I fell off of insurance. This unfortunately also led to me losing access to the sleeping meds I needed to function, so I had to turn to.... other things. Currently 160 bucks in, and will be another 90 in soon enough, this insurance thing is a bitch. I know that I'm lucky to have anything to help. The bad side is that I lost 5 hours last night due to stomach issues.... which of course is what it is.
I was planning on getting a new vehicle, but the ONLY way that works is if I sell my current vehicle.... which is in the shop. I don't think it is smart to buy something on the faith that someone will buy what I have. So I wait.
Times like this really push my faith to the limit. I feel like I'm writing quite often on this subject. Which means either there is someone out there right now who needs to know they aren't alone, or I will meet people who need the strength I'm building at some point. God doesn't waste anything.
On the surface there is something really sinister in the whole concept of how God turns our pain into his victories. I was supposed to meet with my mentor and my questions for him were based on the movie Adjustment Bureau. One of the central themes in the movie is that some people's entire purpose was to be hurt, but it's for the greater good. This is one of those subverted concepts that exists within our concept of God.
Part of why is most likely how we respond to others in grief. When I know someone is hurting, and I want to give a Christian answer I might be tempted to say "God has a plan". Which sounds good from the side of my life working. However when it is said to me and I am in pain, it's the worst thing in the world to hear. How can this be part of God's plan? I don't care if you lost a job, a car, or even a loved one. The hurt is real when we cry out to God "Why did you let this happen?"
This can actually be a point where more scripture can hurt. We look for if God has taken awhile to show up before. Immediately the stories of Job, David, Exodus and Lazarus come to mind. Starting with Job, God not only took some time to show up, he actually is portrayed as pointing Job out to Satan and painting a target on his back. Talk about tough theology, Job deals almost entirely with grief, while never addressing what God was doing.
David is another standard example of biblical pain. Open up the psalms sometime and read how abandoned and unloved he felt. This is the man after God's own heart. This is one of the greatest warriors of the Bible, and in the thick of it he felt totally alone and abandoned. That's strong stuff. Read Psalm 69 for a specific example of this.
Exodus is one of the worst. God reached a point of such anger that he told an entire generation that they would have to die before he delivered the people to the promised land. Even Moses was never allowed to enter the promised land. In total it took over four hundred years for God to fulfill his promise. Plenty of faithful people died waiting.
Finally, we come to the Christ example in John 11. This is the only time we are privy to the actual process of how God reacts to things. When he finds out his friend Lazarus is sick he makes his way towards him, however he does not arrive in time. Lazarus dies and his family and friends are in mourning. I find this story so easy to relate to because of what happens next. His sister comes up to Jesus, I always imagine her totally broken with grief. She says to him in 21 and 22
"21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”"
I just totally get that feeling. We cry out to him "God, if you had just done this, this wouldn't have happened!"
How many times I have found myself crying because I prayed and believed he would show up, only to see despair.
I remember I had a sales job at a furniture store. I had just started and sales were slow. Over time it became obvious that the determining factor, namely customers, was out of my control. So I went deep into prayer and scripture reading. I begged God to deliver the sales I needed to feed my family. For over a month I tried. Then one day I was called into the office and offered my release. I had failed, and it certainly hurt all the more because I had hoped God would show up. This eventually led to the biggest fight in my marriage, and the marriage fell apart in the end at least partially because of my financial situation.
When she cheated on me, because I wasn't enough, don't you think I asked God "why didn't you provide?"
When I prayed for God to save my marriage, and it died anyway, don't you think I wondered why God had allowed it to happen?
Over the years due to this one moment I have faced foreclosure and nearly lost all I had more times than I want to admit. Where was God?
The thing is, God was with me the whole time. He still is, even in my despair over this situation. I can't tell you jack squat about God's blessing right now, which isn't to say I'm not blessed. The thing about the people in these situations is that if they had faith, they were rewarded. Over and over again he rewards trust and faithfulness.
Now here is the painful truth: if your faith fails it isn't faith.
The most obvious way this is true is in the issue of hope. Eventually, you may lose hope for your situation (in the natural). When I look at the messes in my life I often cry out to heaven: "Why haven't you answered my prayers yet?" Then, I have to stand and wait for an answer. Now this is me, because of a number of issues.
One major one is that I believe in honor and duty. This isn't as common as it used to be. The saying that sums it up is "A man's honor is a gift he gives to himself." This is true. Finding a motivation to act "the right way" is harder for modern men. It's not only that fewer people are teaching honor and duty, but people who are rude and inconsiderate are portrayed as successful.
Keeping my word is a biblical issue for me. The Lord says "let your yes be yes and your no be no". It's not just an issue of doing it for myself, it's doing it because it effects how I'm treated. So I have made a commitment in my life to faith. I've been very careful about how I commit myself. I haven't committed myself to bare any pain for him, I know he calls those commitments. I haven't taken vows of chastity or poverty, I know my character and I know that at least on some level this would cause discord in the relationship.
There is really only one solemn vow I have made, and that is that if God brings me someone he needs me to work with, I won't say no. That's huge for me. I have also vowed to do all I can not to turn from him. Note that I haven't promised never to turn away, again I know my character. I know it's possible that I might get mad enough at him not to listen to him for awhile. He's patient and he can take it. I know that in my heart he will always exist to some extent. However whether I will always trust him is uncertain. Always is such a long time.
But this commitment to try means I still attempt to seek him, even when it seems stupid. Yes, after going through this long bit about how majestic and grand his designs are I still can state it's apparent stupidity. It seems utterly silly to seek out God when he is not going to give you a solid gold guarantee.
As a business agreement it sucks. The input and output are so out of whack it's not even worth investing in as a junk bond. I agree to input my faith, my devotion, my actions and my very life to his will. He in returns makes vague promises of reward, of providing above and beyond my needs, and of a greater life in the here-after. So I am putting in a known, in the amount of energy I put into seeking him. I put a known amount of emotional and financial investment into this arrangement. Then when I come and ask him to do his end of the deal, and it doesn't seem effective. He says he'll do it in his timing. I don't buy this gospel of poverty BS about God wanting us poor. That's like saying God doesn't want us to have sex. It is my belief that God created good things on this Earth for us to enjoy.
Even from a scriptural perspective the gospel of poverty doesn't hold up. I'd have to ignore too many scriptures.
Which brings me back to faith. Faith isn't always hopeful. For me though, faith is the only future I've got. If I thought God was done with me (which is something that passes through my mind from time to time) I'd end it right away. I'd actually be waiting for God to let me die, and who knows maybe he will. At times like this I just sit back in wonder at the darkness in my life. How is God with me even in a hole like this? It's not easy. I can't imagine the agony of being an all powerful God, with empathy, allowing this pain to happen. It would be like watching your kid die of a terminal illness, having the cure, but not being able to administer it.
Depression is terminal, eventually unless you kill it at the root, it'll kill you. Those of us in it can only hope that there is mercy at the end of this thing killing us. We are told over and over to kill yourself is selfish. It's the same level of selfish as shooting up morphine because the pain is too much. Yes, wanting the pain to stop puts me and perhaps others in a selfish place. The pain makes you believe that if you could just end it, everything would be okay. Maybe it would be, for you.
Until I personally reach the point that there is no logical way to make my life work, I won't know what goes through the mind of the suicide victim. I'm committed that if I have to reach that point, it has to hold up in the light of day. I can't just do it just because the wind is wrong on that day, that's not reasonable. I must remember that God is still working, as long as I'm alive there is a chance that he'll deliver. It's not a cheerful thing, I know this ticks off my friends and family.
This life, my life, it belongs to God by choice and me by birthright. Deep in the relationship contract it becomes clear there is probably a place where the needs of the organism are so bad that they supersede the desires of the deity. I haven't found that place yet though. I'd love to meet someone who has, because I am curious about whether I am approaching it. I couldn't tell you.
Love is not logical, and love is not reasonable. If love were reasonable sinful creatures such as us wouldn't be given agape love from God. In the end if I pull from the biblical example it holds up that his will is larger than mine, greater than mine, and better than mine. His will cannot be fully understood by human minds. To say "God you should of" to anything says that you feel like you know what's best. To say that says you know better than God. Holding true to the word and saying you know better are philosophically incompatible
I feel like I'm circling myself here, so I'm going to close in prayer.
Prayer:
God,
Please fill in where I am lacking in wisdom and intelligence. Be my strength when I am weak. Forgive me for my wrong thinking, and help me to have compassion for my fellow broken people. Heal us lord, that we may have life abundantly. Bring us to a better place spiritually, mentally and physically. Help us to ask correctly that we can receive. Help us to seek and find what we are looking for. Show us how to knock so that the doors can be opened. Lord you said that you have a plan for me, a plan for hope and a future. Lord I call you to rebuke the evil one. Put the naysayers and people who doubt what you can do to shame. You said you were on my side like a dread warrior. God please go before me as I go forward. Deliver me on behalf of the righteousness you see in me due to what Christ did.
God help me to learn what I need to learn in this battle. Deliver me on the field of victory like Joshua and David. Break off my chains and free me from my bonds so I might only be bonded to you. Lord you have the power to forgive all sins and debts. Please Lord, where others have saddled me with debt with a false vision of the future, let your grace cover and your victory prevail.
I thank you God for the work I see in those I love. I thank you for working in my life. I thank you that you value faithfulness. I thank you that I don't have to behave to a standard, just to do the best I can. Lord I believe that you are still working to answer the prayers I have brought you. I believe you are planning to work things out even better than I could have hoped for. You are mighty, and you are worthy of praise. Please recognize me, give comfort to my pain and provision for the better future. Lord let my beginnings seem humble so great will my future be! I submit all these things, I give you my pain, my struggle and my confusion. You are with me today, and you won't forget what you promised.
-Max
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