hard night

Tried to go to bed, then had a panic attack. Still recovering..... such is life.

I don't know what to fucking say I just know that writing is one of the cures for being pissed.

Nikki prayed for me, that was nice. She seemed to be echoing alot of God stuff back at me.....

Don't really know how to feel about that....

It's not like I'm fucking happy about any of this.....

Not like I don't want out......

It's that love isn't about what I fucking want....

Or what I think is humane, or reasonable.....

It's about giving my all even when I've given all I have to give...

If any of that even made sense.

As if making sense mattered at all! It's all nonsense! Nonsense noise and crying into the dark when the dark is bigger and more painful than anything you could have imagined.....

Now imagine this: God is bigger than that.....

My brain can't conceive or understand that, but it's true all the same......

I'll let him take care of.... whatever he wants to really....... I just wish he was a bit more proactive right now....


which isn't to say he's not.....