I have been thinking about this sentence for some time because it really matters to how I relate to people. I'd like to think that my observations on this matter will at the very least scratch some psychological itch. At most maybe the reader can relate.
I live in northeast Oklahoma. The area is known as green country. I live smack in the middle in a city called Tulsa. I've discussed it before, but this is important detail. Departing from most urbanites the Tulsa approach to city life includes fake bonding and fake kindness. Some might blame the churches, others the poverty, and still others might point an accusing finger at the climate.
Whatever the reason it seems I find myself walking through public areas with people who know me only distantly asking me what I consider a personal question. They ask me how I am.
It might just be my mood today but I really don't know how to properly answer for myself. The standard answer "fine" is a bald faced lie for me. I'm not fine. It is when I think about it a case of things being very far from fine. I'm really shocked I'm still alive today to have this conversation. But equal apathy keeps me from expressing this emotion. The apathy on their part is that while they want to appear concerned, they aren't invested. My apathy is sourced in my total distrust in the human race to appropriately respond to my status.
So I end up saying "not so good". Then they say "a case of the Mondays?"
I respond "sure, I just had a weekend..."
Somehow that is enough. Somehow it doesn't matter that I'm feeling like a run over piece of rubber. Or that I really can't be sure I'll be there to see them next time. Somehow social convention covers that.
Then when people do kill themselves all their friends say "we never saw this". I'd challenge those with depressed loved ones to actually want to see their loved ones as they are. Those of us in this boat are tryingg to treasure our remaining time. I don't want lectures on how it is selfish. Pain is a selfish feeling. It's a feeling that things aren't right and they should be better. It seems to me that feeling such pain over things being so not as they should be logically leads to the point that you deserve to not be in pain. No one I have met will stand behind this. Pain just is. So is time. In time it will go away. For now I'm watching and waiting. Watching to see if I can do anything. Waiting to see if God or anyone effects anything in my life. Waiting for salvation or death.
I live in northeast Oklahoma. The area is known as green country. I live smack in the middle in a city called Tulsa. I've discussed it before, but this is important detail. Departing from most urbanites the Tulsa approach to city life includes fake bonding and fake kindness. Some might blame the churches, others the poverty, and still others might point an accusing finger at the climate.
Whatever the reason it seems I find myself walking through public areas with people who know me only distantly asking me what I consider a personal question. They ask me how I am.
It might just be my mood today but I really don't know how to properly answer for myself. The standard answer "fine" is a bald faced lie for me. I'm not fine. It is when I think about it a case of things being very far from fine. I'm really shocked I'm still alive today to have this conversation. But equal apathy keeps me from expressing this emotion. The apathy on their part is that while they want to appear concerned, they aren't invested. My apathy is sourced in my total distrust in the human race to appropriately respond to my status.
So I end up saying "not so good". Then they say "a case of the Mondays?"
I respond "sure, I just had a weekend..."
Somehow that is enough. Somehow it doesn't matter that I'm feeling like a run over piece of rubber. Or that I really can't be sure I'll be there to see them next time. Somehow social convention covers that.
Then when people do kill themselves all their friends say "we never saw this". I'd challenge those with depressed loved ones to actually want to see their loved ones as they are. Those of us in this boat are tryingg to treasure our remaining time. I don't want lectures on how it is selfish. Pain is a selfish feeling. It's a feeling that things aren't right and they should be better. It seems to me that feeling such pain over things being so not as they should be logically leads to the point that you deserve to not be in pain. No one I have met will stand behind this. Pain just is. So is time. In time it will go away. For now I'm watching and waiting. Watching to see if I can do anything. Waiting to see if God or anyone effects anything in my life. Waiting for salvation or death.
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