did I say dark? I meant black formless abyss, a sort of faith vacuum. I imagine myself in a spacesuit with a broken helmet, having my faith constantly sucked out while God keeps pumping more in. In this hellish struggle between the enemy and God I am the one put through the painful feeling of knowing God is there, and also knowing that it's not getting any better, bit by bit, moment by moment, I cannot shake the feeling that when the dust settles I won't know how to pick up the pieces again. This is new, this is different, in that before I had a delusional viewpoint that it would get better simply on the back of two facts: that I am intelligent and that God is good. Obviously I missed something.
I've made arrangements for the end to come the way I want it to. Not one person in my life is interested in reading the obvious warning signs I have put out. God is.... well he just is. I pray constantly if this is not the right path then he should let me know, or stop it. No such information has come my way. Yes I am aware that HUMANS have issues with the end. Remember in the gospel Jesus told his disciples he would die soon. His disciples said something like "surely not." Humans have issues with letting go. That does not mean it is not the right time to let go. I have fought a very valiant battle against poverty, against depression, and against the forces the world has brought to bare on me. But my allies grow weak, and I know my own limits. I cannot fight an unending war with no reinforcements. The time must come when I run out of hope, I run out of a belief that better days are ahead, and I accept that death is certainly better.
I don't expect anyone to understand when that time comes, I'm just hoping that perhaps they will read what I wrote and understand what a long and meandering path to the end this has been. There will be no passion in my final moments assuming it comes to that. It will be a coldly logical last few moments, look around and lay my head down. Just as I do now to sleep. Only that time I'll be lucky and not wake up.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
I cannot change the minds of others, I cannot change you, I can only give you my all and hope you find use for it. I have given you all I have and soon I will be empty. If you have no more use for your servant let him come home to you.
God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
I feel very powerless right now, but I know through prayer there is a chance that things may change for the better. There are things I can do. I can take care of certain things, if given the resources. Right now there are only two paths I can see resources for, neither ideal to my desire to follow you. However not my will but your will be done. If you know something better reveal it.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
God show me the difference between what I can't fix, and what I can. Help me understand where you want to help and where you are less interested in doing that. Help me choose the right path with your guiding.
Amen
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/MQGe0HQptII" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I've made arrangements for the end to come the way I want it to. Not one person in my life is interested in reading the obvious warning signs I have put out. God is.... well he just is. I pray constantly if this is not the right path then he should let me know, or stop it. No such information has come my way. Yes I am aware that HUMANS have issues with the end. Remember in the gospel Jesus told his disciples he would die soon. His disciples said something like "surely not." Humans have issues with letting go. That does not mean it is not the right time to let go. I have fought a very valiant battle against poverty, against depression, and against the forces the world has brought to bare on me. But my allies grow weak, and I know my own limits. I cannot fight an unending war with no reinforcements. The time must come when I run out of hope, I run out of a belief that better days are ahead, and I accept that death is certainly better.
I don't expect anyone to understand when that time comes, I'm just hoping that perhaps they will read what I wrote and understand what a long and meandering path to the end this has been. There will be no passion in my final moments assuming it comes to that. It will be a coldly logical last few moments, look around and lay my head down. Just as I do now to sleep. Only that time I'll be lucky and not wake up.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
I cannot change the minds of others, I cannot change you, I can only give you my all and hope you find use for it. I have given you all I have and soon I will be empty. If you have no more use for your servant let him come home to you.
God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
I feel very powerless right now, but I know through prayer there is a chance that things may change for the better. There are things I can do. I can take care of certain things, if given the resources. Right now there are only two paths I can see resources for, neither ideal to my desire to follow you. However not my will but your will be done. If you know something better reveal it.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
God show me the difference between what I can't fix, and what I can. Help me understand where you want to help and where you are less interested in doing that. Help me choose the right path with your guiding.
Amen
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/MQGe0HQptII" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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