<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/hXxIX3ZVvFs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
looking back I can see now that God has been watching me and guiding me this whole time, in his way. It's... it's something. Look, I love God, but I'm a caustic frustrated stubborn man with issues with power and this situation is bringing out the worst of that. This week he decided to put me in the worst situation just to test what I would do. I took care of it, brilliantly in fact, thanks to his guidance and glory. So that's GREAT right? I'm a multi talented guy doing a job I'm good at, own my own home, have a pretty good dog, sweet girl, what's the problem?
All of it.
Every last bit of it fails to satisfy me. Including, and this is a really bitter truth, God.
I can eat and eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and then, surprise eat and am never full.
I can dream and touch and carouse and none of it does a DAMN thing for me.
I can have anything I want, all I want is to die or be led out of this dry land.
I wonder sometimes if I am lacking. I'm STILL challenged by giving up my vices, even for a time. I wonder if that's it. I'm sitting here trying to take it apart like some sort of machine. I'm trying to troubleshoot God, which, well I don't know if you can do. I think you can troubleshoot anything. You test, you analyze, you fix. Relationships, much the same though the testing is more delicate. I personally don't think he is delicate, that and he's all knowing so if you try to hide that you are testing, analyzing and trying to fix your relationship with him he's going to figure it out. He's not stupid.
Look, something is wrong when I am in enough pain that death is a GOOD option. Death is always an option, it should never be a good one. EVER. Life should be abundant and satisfying enough that death seems like a silly thing when compared to the vast hope of the future. Humans are built to be considered healthy when death is something they can actually fear. When you live in a situation of deep dissatisfaction with the very fabric of the universe, this creates an unhealthy imbalance. I don't WANT to want to die, but I do want death if there is no other troubleshooting step for fixing this. I'm preparing to put myself in a prison of no sexual fufillment because it is needed to be successful in troubleshooting. I don't know if using pornography for my sexual gratification interferes with my connection with God. I don't think God would create our biology as such that we enjoy looking at women, and at the same time require that we not. I've always been mature enough not to act on it. And yet, and yet, christ says if you have looked on a woman in lust you have commited a sin with your eyes.
I dispair, for I have begged for comfort and found none, I searched for help and came up empty. As Job said, surely it would be better had I not been born
*sigh*, no one cares. I don't want to do this anymore. He'll give me strength to continue. Fine. He's the coward, he fears that if he lets me die here I would cease to suffer and be tested, and by my testing more are brought to him. It's a simple equation, my pain equals others salvation. Why else would all who hurt me prosper so? I suspect that I was cursed (or blessed) saying "he who brings about to tear down Max will be given a double portion. Blessed is she that scorns him, she will have her wishes come true"
I guess as long as I'm helping people........ Follow God at your own risk people, this is the madness that results. Surely it is madness to follow one who rejoices in my pain so.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LrQlkLMF1oM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I wanted to share a video of a song that sums him up SO well. It's called nobody. By trout fishing in america
Here are the lyrics, since youtube doesn't have it.
Chorus:
I've got a friend that lives with me,
My friend's name is Nobody.
Nobody plays with me, Nobody loves me.
I've got a friend that you can't see,
My friend's name is Nobody.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
One day while playing baseball outside
He broke the window then ran off to hide.
My mom came out and she asked me,
"Who did this?"
I said, "Nobody."
Nobody believed me, mom said I lied.
Chorus
We talk under the covers late at night,
After I have gone to bed,
turned out the light.
My dad came in and he asked me,
"Who ya talkin' to?"
I said, "Nobody."
Nobody listens, dad says be quiet.
Nobody sure gets me in trouble.
For Nobody I take a lot of blame.
But if Nobody's gonna be my friend,
I sure wish he'd get another name.
Chorus
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
looking back I can see now that God has been watching me and guiding me this whole time, in his way. It's... it's something. Look, I love God, but I'm a caustic frustrated stubborn man with issues with power and this situation is bringing out the worst of that. This week he decided to put me in the worst situation just to test what I would do. I took care of it, brilliantly in fact, thanks to his guidance and glory. So that's GREAT right? I'm a multi talented guy doing a job I'm good at, own my own home, have a pretty good dog, sweet girl, what's the problem?
All of it.
Every last bit of it fails to satisfy me. Including, and this is a really bitter truth, God.
I can eat and eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and then, surprise eat and am never full.
I can dream and touch and carouse and none of it does a DAMN thing for me.
I can have anything I want, all I want is to die or be led out of this dry land.
I wonder sometimes if I am lacking. I'm STILL challenged by giving up my vices, even for a time. I wonder if that's it. I'm sitting here trying to take it apart like some sort of machine. I'm trying to troubleshoot God, which, well I don't know if you can do. I think you can troubleshoot anything. You test, you analyze, you fix. Relationships, much the same though the testing is more delicate. I personally don't think he is delicate, that and he's all knowing so if you try to hide that you are testing, analyzing and trying to fix your relationship with him he's going to figure it out. He's not stupid.
Look, something is wrong when I am in enough pain that death is a GOOD option. Death is always an option, it should never be a good one. EVER. Life should be abundant and satisfying enough that death seems like a silly thing when compared to the vast hope of the future. Humans are built to be considered healthy when death is something they can actually fear. When you live in a situation of deep dissatisfaction with the very fabric of the universe, this creates an unhealthy imbalance. I don't WANT to want to die, but I do want death if there is no other troubleshooting step for fixing this. I'm preparing to put myself in a prison of no sexual fufillment because it is needed to be successful in troubleshooting. I don't know if using pornography for my sexual gratification interferes with my connection with God. I don't think God would create our biology as such that we enjoy looking at women, and at the same time require that we not. I've always been mature enough not to act on it. And yet, and yet, christ says if you have looked on a woman in lust you have commited a sin with your eyes.
I dispair, for I have begged for comfort and found none, I searched for help and came up empty. As Job said, surely it would be better had I not been born
*sigh*, no one cares. I don't want to do this anymore. He'll give me strength to continue. Fine. He's the coward, he fears that if he lets me die here I would cease to suffer and be tested, and by my testing more are brought to him. It's a simple equation, my pain equals others salvation. Why else would all who hurt me prosper so? I suspect that I was cursed (or blessed) saying "he who brings about to tear down Max will be given a double portion. Blessed is she that scorns him, she will have her wishes come true"
I guess as long as I'm helping people........ Follow God at your own risk people, this is the madness that results. Surely it is madness to follow one who rejoices in my pain so.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LrQlkLMF1oM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I wanted to share a video of a song that sums him up SO well. It's called nobody. By trout fishing in america
Here are the lyrics, since youtube doesn't have it.
Chorus:
I've got a friend that lives with me,
My friend's name is Nobody.
Nobody plays with me, Nobody loves me.
I've got a friend that you can't see,
My friend's name is Nobody.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
One day while playing baseball outside
He broke the window then ran off to hide.
My mom came out and she asked me,
"Who did this?"
I said, "Nobody."
Nobody believed me, mom said I lied.
Chorus
We talk under the covers late at night,
After I have gone to bed,
turned out the light.
My dad came in and he asked me,
"Who ya talkin' to?"
I said, "Nobody."
Nobody listens, dad says be quiet.
Nobody sure gets me in trouble.
For Nobody I take a lot of blame.
But if Nobody's gonna be my friend,
I sure wish he'd get another name.
Chorus
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.
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