Right, as the title says, I'd rather not be writing right now. I'd rather be at the gym.
Yesterday God hit me with a surge of joy like you wouldn't believe, so last night I was singing new songs for him and praising him, in hopes that his deliverance would be at hand soon.
That is the set up. I was up til 3 because I didn't get home until midnight.
I had this dream, in it I was at a meeting at work, and I'm looking around for people I know and there is Laurel. Laurel, for those who don't know, is the one that got away. She just got married to the guy of her dreams and in an odd way I'm happy for them. Anyway, she's just sitting there, looking at me. I tell her how awesome it is that she's so happy and married, and she's just looking at me as if that is completely not what she would expect (or perhaps even want) me to say.
I mean, what did dream Laurel want? Did she want me to say I'll pine for you forever when she's so clearly moved on? Not the way I operate. I still miss people, but I don't imagine they'll return.
Perhaps my brain thinks it still wants her, it knows what she means to me and wants to preserve the concepts. It was a phase in my life where I thought a woman could make me happy. I was idolizing them, thinking that a relationship would straighten out the kinks in my life. It hasn't yet, why? because in the dating world the only one expected to do the saving is the man. Men can't be saved except by other men.
I was thinking on that too, that women are allowed an entirely different world view on the necessity of strength. Everyone can agree that strength is needed in your life. Someone has to make hard choices regardless of who it might hurt. Our society chooses men. Men are created as sort of ultra fix it people. We are expected to not just fix ourselves, but others as well. It creates a dominant spirit in a man. The submissive love this and ENCOURAGE a man to dominate them. They desire control and stability and the dominant man can provide this.
I did not start life as a dominant man, I was much more passive in my youth. My ex wife lit a fire in me to be the man of the situations I'm in. If I don't have the power to fix it myself, I call on a higher power. Sometimes I still feel the reluctant dominant man, but let's face it that it's where I feel comfortable and I'm good at it.
Anyway, back to analysis. The work environment is the big confusing piece. I think I'm trying to set things up in places I know, she wouldn't be at my house as that wouldn't be proper. She wouldn't be at my church because I could (and would) avoid her because church for me is always an expedition into the wild country of christianity the religion. So work, where I do feel very at home and at peace, where I do my best creative thinking and where it shows that I am a strong intelligent man, is a good place for ANYONE to see me.
I think it's still a shock that I'm accepting this her getting married thing, but the fact is I lost her a long time ago, and at the time I accepted it. I may have lost grip on that acceptance for a bit, but the groundwork had already been laid in my mind. You can't change the past, you can't go back in time. We are time travelers, ever falling forward through time. We have to accept that.
Yesterday God hit me with a surge of joy like you wouldn't believe, so last night I was singing new songs for him and praising him, in hopes that his deliverance would be at hand soon.
That is the set up. I was up til 3 because I didn't get home until midnight.
I had this dream, in it I was at a meeting at work, and I'm looking around for people I know and there is Laurel. Laurel, for those who don't know, is the one that got away. She just got married to the guy of her dreams and in an odd way I'm happy for them. Anyway, she's just sitting there, looking at me. I tell her how awesome it is that she's so happy and married, and she's just looking at me as if that is completely not what she would expect (or perhaps even want) me to say.
I mean, what did dream Laurel want? Did she want me to say I'll pine for you forever when she's so clearly moved on? Not the way I operate. I still miss people, but I don't imagine they'll return.
Perhaps my brain thinks it still wants her, it knows what she means to me and wants to preserve the concepts. It was a phase in my life where I thought a woman could make me happy. I was idolizing them, thinking that a relationship would straighten out the kinks in my life. It hasn't yet, why? because in the dating world the only one expected to do the saving is the man. Men can't be saved except by other men.
I was thinking on that too, that women are allowed an entirely different world view on the necessity of strength. Everyone can agree that strength is needed in your life. Someone has to make hard choices regardless of who it might hurt. Our society chooses men. Men are created as sort of ultra fix it people. We are expected to not just fix ourselves, but others as well. It creates a dominant spirit in a man. The submissive love this and ENCOURAGE a man to dominate them. They desire control and stability and the dominant man can provide this.
I did not start life as a dominant man, I was much more passive in my youth. My ex wife lit a fire in me to be the man of the situations I'm in. If I don't have the power to fix it myself, I call on a higher power. Sometimes I still feel the reluctant dominant man, but let's face it that it's where I feel comfortable and I'm good at it.
Anyway, back to analysis. The work environment is the big confusing piece. I think I'm trying to set things up in places I know, she wouldn't be at my house as that wouldn't be proper. She wouldn't be at my church because I could (and would) avoid her because church for me is always an expedition into the wild country of christianity the religion. So work, where I do feel very at home and at peace, where I do my best creative thinking and where it shows that I am a strong intelligent man, is a good place for ANYONE to see me.
I think it's still a shock that I'm accepting this her getting married thing, but the fact is I lost her a long time ago, and at the time I accepted it. I may have lost grip on that acceptance for a bit, but the groundwork had already been laid in my mind. You can't change the past, you can't go back in time. We are time travelers, ever falling forward through time. We have to accept that.
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