what was then, what isn't now

Most of the time I like to try and plaster over my hurt and pain about my past. The biggest reason is I don't like to whine. It isn't a pride thing, it's that no one gives a damn, and that makes talking about it pretty pointless. I've pretty much stopped talking about pain. I mention it to God from time to time, since he never gets tired of hearing about my shit, but humans have no such interest.

I guess I started down this path hoping to find why I'm not trusting or vulnerable anymore, and already I have my answer: I don't find empathy in others. Not to a level that makes me open myself to others. I am capable of empathy for others, but I use it strategically, it's not really that useful for relationships.

Well shit, I don't see a fix for this, apart from deeper into therapy. I'd have to find a competent therapist capable of understanding/diagnosing/treating the gap between my current psyche and well adjusted... whatever that means. Further though openness would be lovely for my relationships with close family, with everyone else it would be,  a step in the wrong direction.

Feeling things is great when people are protective of your feelings. When you live in a toxic world full of hurtful/careless people feelings are a liability. Expectations line up with realities. I expect people to be self interested and careless. So far that works. Sadly being cynical is said to be bad for faith. I do try to find good in others. I've noticed that very few people set out to be evil for example. Most people do what we would call bad things through totally justifiable motivations. I think everyone wants to be good. I just wish anyone was. Good of course is relatively subjective. The world I want to live in is different than what other people want... I'd rather be happy than wealthy, and I'd much rather provide my own validation than get it from others.

2015 year end review

I'm going to try to draft and publish this in a single day. Of course I started drafting this earlier this week at home (in my head). I was home for a few days due to flooding. I read an article by one of my personal heroes, John Scalzi (scalzi.com, or just search whatever on google). In it he summed up some of his best pieces of the year. This is why I want to be like this man, because none of what I have written this year measures up to his average day. At the same time I am more than a decade younger than him, and not classically trained. I write because it's the only art I feel like I could be great at. He writes for a living. In contrast I don't think I could write for a living. That is a rabbit trail for another day, we have stuff to get through before midnight.

I think I'll do my personal review then talk about my personal feelings about new years, this past year, and marking the passing of time.

This time last year I was jobless, having just finished my worst semester of school. I was the same number of credits from graduation as I am now (about 9). I still think I'll get it done. At the time I just wanted a job to take advantage of my physical abilities. I noticed I couldn't be happy sitting for a living. Of course the dream would be doing something intellectually challenging AND physically challenging. I wanted to be a cable installer.

Now looking back I'm glad things happened the way they did. Not because this job has met my intellectual goals (it hasn't), but how I realized working for a monopoly was a rather relaxing thing. To be clear we subcontract for a utility monopoly. Another benefit has been the relative lack of customer contact. I did like the challenge of customer service however I see now my success here and at shadow mountain came from a basic fact: I like having the power to say no. I like being able to optimize my life for productivity, not to satisfy others. I did of course prefer the mountain for emotional fulfillment, and for challenge for that matter. There was no future there however. Here I have a future.

In personal news I finally read (well listened to) a great deal more Isaac Asimov than I ever had patience for previously. I kept it on for background noise many days and in that time I read all but one of the Foundation books. I reread the entire Harry Potter series and gained nothing apart from how very peaceful listening to that makes me feel. Another year gone is also another year of stability in my relationships. My fiance and I are doing as well as I could have ever expected a mature relationship to be. In other news I stabilized my chemicals, figured out the balance of anti-depressants and stimulants it takes to get me through hard days. I am also making progress on learning to live without.

I can't think of anything else. I don't want to talk  about the tragedies in depth. Our cat died, and shortly after so did my Granddad. Her granddad passed as well, and in all cases the pain was separate from me. I guess I expected different things from my granddad's passing, some kind of closure. He just passed one day when I was gone. Heck I was more involved with losing the cat. The cat was actually more heartbreaking only because of shock, she was only 2, and that's young for a cat to become incurably sick.

In 5 years of keeping this blog for therapy purposes I have never looked back in a ritualistic way. In the past I guess I thought that I would recap when we won. Sort of how General Lee in the civil war wouldn't accept the rank of general until he won the war... Since he didn't win the war, I guess that makes the title honorary.

It's more about memory for me than about looking back. I have come to the realization that I am going to be stuck on this planet a long time. Memory is a short term thing, even long term memory that we like to think isn't. For example I can't consciously remember my ex wife's face or voice. I can still remember how she felt to be around, but I don't know for how much longer. There are some things I refuse to fully record, when I forget them they will die. I doubt she even thinks about me. Heck, if I had won I wouldn't think of her much. I doubt general Grant thought much about Stonewall Jackson.

I don't mean to imply the war is over. Actually I don't mean to imply that Lindsay was my enemy. Life isn't that simple. Frankly I have always been my greatest adversary. The whole debacle wouldn't have happened if I wasn't weak, if I didn't have those holes in my armor.

It's been 5 years and I realize now that I'm not owed victory just because of being right. Not even because God promises it. Victory from his perspective could mean something entirely different than how I define it. Victory for him is me seeking him. Actually on that point he himself is my reward, so theoretically in spiritual terms I won. I win quite a bit in actuality. I have all the bells and whistles I could want. There are just a few things I keep seeking. I'm not even entirely convinced I am seeking them out of desire. God is my desire. I just have to keep my hands busy until he finds something better to do with them.

Passion

Interesting things happen when I pray. Not so much in a spiritual sense, or not yet anyway. More interesting in a philosophical way.
I was talking to God about this book I'm reading about "follow your dreams with God's help". Essentially thus far it's the same things I already know about it. God is capable of anything, even our huge dreams. God's with us when we fall. We come up against major resistance when we try and seek God. This I know. These things I know from experience.

In the end however only one thing could survive my current spiritually toxic environment, either my dream or my faith. I chose faith. I'm not advocating either way. I chose the way I did for purely ethical reasons, not practical ones. It's easier for me to behave ethically and deal with the practical challenges than to behave practically and deal with the ethical problems. So at the moment my belief in, I don't know what to call it... my dream, is in remission. I still very much desire it of course. If there was something I could do to move towards it I would be doing it.

What I realized though is I have no romantic or caring passion. I have passion and energy, because that's who I am. But as far as belief that things are going to get better.... I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how I would feel that way. God will do what he will do and he has done what he has done. My pain doesn't enhance that in any way. So I don't feel it. I'm fully aware of the meaninglessness of things, but it serves no practical point to dwell on it. I've come to terms that God has his ideas of what he should do with me, and eventually I might see them. Until then I keep going on the course I set back when I cared. I know the goals I have and cared about, and those are the ones I'm working on. I don't have any emotions about them now, because I am in total tactical mode. I care about what I have to, and nothing more.

In short my passion has become doing the best I can. I know there is rewarding work, but that is a distraction. I told God that at this point I don't even have a direction to point him in terms of career. I know I would like to care again. I'd like to not live in tactical mode. I'd like to not be dependent on certain organizations and things. My goals line up with those desires. As does my energy. Other than that, there is nothing.

I have gone through the desert, and I have survived. I have not yet reached the edge, and for me the edge is theoretical, as is God's direct movement on these large and abstract issues. I do not doubt his ability, or even his interests. I do not doubt. I deal with what is directly in front of me, and no more.

5-6 hours

Just centered and prayed for over 5 hours. Not the passive kind either... point being I don't have anything more than that.

My real problem

You want to know what my real problem? I have way more passion than my lifestyle requires. I constantly feel like I should be some sort of passionate painter, or writing tortured books with helpless old widows being raped by Cossacks. I just realized I know absolutely nothing about Cossacks... apart from their alleged rapist tenancies. I'm apologize in full to any Cossack I may have slighted with my under informed views. Point being my current profession of monitoring and taking care of pipeline isn't currently an outlet for my passion. Yes, I can passionately dig a hole, and passionately pound an anode into the ground. However passion does not make the anode more effective. I have not found that passionate shovel use is any better than apathetic shovel use.

Anyway I'm trying to store up my passion in hopes that someday it will produce a novel, or otherwise well constructed artistic endeavor. So far, no luck. Someday though, results.

The derailing nature of facts

I've noticed that as I discover core facts behind motivations and the way things are the less I can talk to ordinary people. That isn't to say that I don't listen. Sometimes I end up doing mirror therapy for others because it's easier than buying into their delusions. Mirror therapy is a technique used by the humanist branch of psychology. The trick is to ask questions in such a way that you focus the patient on what they are thinking about. It's great for me because it requires little effort and makes the other person feel good.

The particular fact that keeps bothering me is "When a being engages in an activity there must be a motivation." It's almost a law, because I haven't found an exception. However since I'm not a scientist, I don't have the time or resources to expand my studies and publish peer reviewed articles, my social science ideas remain unproven, apart from logically.

It seemed like that was a natural fact to live with. Of course people and other beings do things they are motivated to. The added idea that benefit to the person(or being, if I miss one of these imagine I said it, because I'm talking about beings here) doing something is the most common reason for action. It makes paranoia impossible, because reason takes it apart.

Every time I try to go down a road that so and so is out to get me I ask why. I have to keep digging to get to the root, but at the root hurting me isn't profitable for very many people. I'm a nasty person to get angry, and every time I'm attacked I analyze the motivation and make sure to sabotage my enemy's desired response. Further despite the emotional fulfillment of imagining a world out to get me, it's both unlikely and unreasonable. What would the world benefit using me as a punching bag? If they enjoyed causing me pain then driving me to my edge would be unwise given how self destructive I can get.

It's harder still when I see that others are living in similar delusions. I want to emphasize that delusions of persecution are very emotionally satisfying. I try not to think less of others for indulging in them. I can't join them however. I am presented with the choice of correcting them or allowing them to coast on. Given that I currently don't have any mentally taxing work at hand I like to correct course. I'm aware it may not work, but repeating reason brings me peace. Remember that motivation fact, because I only do almost everything I do because it brings me reward. If it doesn't, I don't do it, simple as that.

when you can't hide it anymore

I've had a sudden revelation, I understand why fasting works on getting closer to God. I had always thought the theory was that taking away the focus on food allowed us to focus on God.. That's not what I think now.

Today I had an involuntary fast. I lost my wallet (this happens at least once a week). I had to work on through. I thought it was going to be okay, I had my music, I had quality stimulants that kept me from feeling hunger. That was all great until mid afternoon hit.

I had been doing great, distracting myself with work, and suddenly my blood sugar dropped out from under me. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to. Then all the hurt and pain came to the surface.

I have no idea if I am coming clean to myself or God, or the entire world. I realized I've been running, and running a long time. A long time ago I was told I was special, every therapist I ever remember talking to said I was going to be a doctor someday, like it was a given thing that I was so smart success was sure to happen. I believed in that, but I didn't want to be a doctor. I didn't know what I wanted to be, but not a doctor. By age 15 I had seen more doctors than most people see in their first 30. In my experience they were jerks. I know now that's not the case, I've met a few truly kind and caring doctors to set my view straight. I also know more about why they do what they do, and that I won't ever understand. I realized at a fairly young age I wasn't built right to be a doctor, or a lawyer. To get one of these jobs you have to make years of sacrifice. Sacrifice I'm realizing now I was capable of... am capable of. I just don't love money enough.

Money is the monster at the end of the movie for me. My dad was a workaholic growing up. He made alot of money, and was gone quite a bit for the first 10 years of my life. Then he got laid off. Not once but multiple times. I watched the toughest man I will ever know get taken down. When I got older I found out it was the market that did it. The Dot-com bubble burst and it was no one's fault. I realized somewhere in this journey that I could never rely on money to satisfy me.

So I turned to other things. My first marriage for example. Somewhere along the way I thought that family happiness was the end all be all. Then it all fell apart. I had thought that God would protect me, because I was saying I was following him. I wasn't though, I was following her. Not her fault. Well, me following her wasn't. She has her own faults to answer for... but I have nothing to do with that.

I did some serious self surgery, completely removed the belief in a happily ever after that focused on family. I tried to lean harder on God. He was with me through the recovery, 2 years of my life that I did nothing but heal. Then another 2 years chasing the dream of helping people. Yet the one dream I always had was freedom.....

My heart still hurt. 10 months of this job has given me way too much time to talk to myself, and to God for as much as that counts. The thing I can't seem to let go of is my failure. Like when my marriage fell apart.... I have to wonder where I went wrong. People like me don't end up in places like this, not without a serious substance addiction. Yet I got here in 10 short years. I don't believe that it is that I'm not smart enough, because I have put my entire mind on trying to conquer the situation. I can't do it, which is my way of saying I haven't found a way to. I know very well that God CAN, but will he? I don't know that. I know at this point very well that life isn't going to hand me whatever I ask for. Neither will God. I have to figure some things out myself. Usually the only way I know whether I do or I don't is if I do it or don't. If I don't, I know God is strong where I'm weak....

I just don't know who I am anymore. I had this image of myself, a force of nature, someone unstoppable. I had this image that I was likable, smart, and physically strong. I was (am) everything I was taught a man should be.

All I can say is God knows what he's doing. He cared enough to redeem me. He cared enough to heal me. I have to believe that he didn't save me just to have me endure endless humiliation and emotional pain. The world has failed me, in every way. Even other people fail me, people make mistakes. God doesn't. I just have to keep marching, trust that my God has a plan. I'm afraid, and tired, and hurt and broken. But I believe in him. I believe he can redeem anything and anyone. I believe that as long as I speak faith he's on my side... actually he's on my side even if I denied him. He's just able to do much more with faith. I also know that I don't have the whole story (thank god), and he's still writing it. There are things happening that I don't know about. And he's heard and answered every prayer, and there have been so many.

Psychosis of hope

Hope is a horrible psychotic reality, if it could even be called a reality. Hope isn't a reality, it's a dream, but more than that it's an ideal.

Now here is the psychotic bit: We go to religions that put their entire focus on humility. We learn to be less, look at the long view, love our fellow man. All however serves our dreams, ideals, in a word hope. We ask this all powerful being who has taught us to seek to serve, to serve us up our dream. He of course can, I don't deny it. That is what feeds the delusional insanity of hope, of faith if you will.

We can try to rationalize it by talking about probability. We can talk about what he's done in the past, and probability states he can do it again. However millions have begged him for more and less and been refused(or redirected), so probability states he will say no.

That is when faith breaks all the rules, and crushed reason under heel. God is not a vending machine. He is not predictable. You and I can both feed in the same request and we WILL get different responses. Because you don't talk to God like I do. Frankly I know few who do, because I am abrasive and argumentative, and at the SAME TIME I listen to him, and try to absorb his wisdom.

Which is why I am completely out of my mind over this. He can, he has, he might, he in fact will do things beyond what I can even come up with. There is no reality. There is no hope, we are abandoned to faith. Death and life in the same breath we wait on his will. I don't really... wait... I keep my hands busy. I keep taking it apart, looking at it, and wondering if there is more there than I thought before. Thus far.. nope. It's a sealed trick, and it's a miracle in a box waiting to happen. The miracle may be the end, it may be a new beginning, and it might be both.

So this is another attempt to take it apart using the new data. Maybe I tapped a new area. I think I just handled it, fondled it, poked it and laughed at it. Man is the joke. Hope is the punch line. God is the story teller.

Win 10 vs Ubuntu 14.10

After a month of using Windows 10 I finally have enough data to compare with my past year with Ubuntu Linux.
Originally I was going to write a straight forward review, but then I realized that wouldn't be objective. That being the case, I'm going to try and go down feature by feature, without getting into my various hardware setups.

Price:
Windows 10: Windows 10 is actually fairly cheap as operating systems go. It runs $125 retail, but chances are good if you have a computer less than 10 years old you can get it for free. Windows 8 and 7 both get free upgrades. If you are running vista or xp... it isn't that Microsoft doesn't want to give you Win 10, it's that your hardware won't run it.
Ubuntu: It's free, always has been and always will be.
Winner: Ubuntu
Updates:
Windows 10: semi smooth. They are very smooth for windows update. I have yet to have one hang permanently and ruin my day.
Ubuntu: Here's where the teeth come out. Ubuntu doesn't like updating. I went through one in my year of exile and it was hell. I had to go down to the code and metaphorically keep slapping it until it said "oh look, an OS" and came back. That was the jump between 14.05 and 14.10 (I think). After that I never upgraded again, and had to manually update everything. Which... was not good.
Winner:Win 10
Performance:
Windows 10: This is where it gets harder. In terms of pure power I command more now.... Win 10 however would not have me know that. It takes horrible advantage of the raw power at hand. Windows has always been the fat kid of computing, it's lazy and resource hungry. Windows 10 is better than previous generations to that point, however I can't be totally sure if that is something to credit windows with or myself for running a tighter ship. I've learned to live with less in terms of high risk computing, so that has to take some credit.
Ubuntu: The performance control is extremely cool. This is an OS built for tinkering. If you want to drill down and figure out exactly where every bit of power is going, Ubuntu will not only LET you, it wants you to. It actually requires you to. Ubuntu is a computational equal to meditation. You know how you are exerting yourself, and that brings peace.
Winner: Ubuntu
Hardware:
Windows: This was the lynch pin for me. Windows is not only on everything, it runs native on everything. I was able to find fine machines from $300-as much as I could ever imagine spending. I found a perfect performance point for my needs at $1000. There is one downside: cross compatibility. If you like using the full scope of a modern computer's bios abilities... Windows will be alone on the machine. Fastboot tech is so new that the GRUB launcher doesn't allow it. That's not a big deal if you use your computer at home. I don't. 80% of my use is battery time (in one way or another). I need the ability to put my computer to sleep, or hibernate (I love hibernate).
Ubuntu: The Achilles heel of the whole setup. I've always ended up turning to Linux because Windows has failed me horribly. That's not a good reason to go anywhere. I mean I live in a horrible city in a horrible state... there are marginally better options, but I shouldn't take them. This time I went about trying to find a machine to put Ubuntu on. That proved prohibitively expensive.  I think the cheapest computer I found in my search was $1500. And that wasn't from a brand I trusted. So that alone is why I'm not running Ubuntu now.
Winner: Windows
Applications:
Windows: Options. It's all about a multitude of good applications from free to very very expensive. The support for the applications is low, even from companies that build apps for windows. Steam has become a dear friend and only because I love the model of "buy it once, own it forever."
Ubuntu: A few great applications, all free. The support is fantastic. I found the work space better for efficiency due to the limited apps.
Winner: Tie

Looks like an overall tie.

Vision

This is my vision:
Enduring plenty. To live on the land, no one knocks on the door aside from those God sent. Sure there are problems, but God provides, and in our sanctuary we will endure. We will be built on the rock, no storm or calamity will move us. We will always be fed, emotionally, intellectually, physically. Our lives will be an enduring display of God's promise, that he does what he says he will.

We will not be afraid to take risks, have children, be outrageous or controversial. Our lives will belong only to God, and ours by his grace. We will know no other chains but those. We will no longer be threatened by powers which seek to take our joy and our peace, because our basic needs will be solidly provided for.
---------------

This is my response to the scriptural prodding:

"The Lord’s Answer

Then the Lord replied:

“Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay."
Habakkuk 2:2-3

So much for quiet

This evening has been a serious test of my patience, and my belief in my personal survival. The problem is localized on one particular area, 11 hours of my day were GREAT, then in 45 minutes it was all gone. All the peace, all the security and hope in sustainability for the near future was gone so quick. I had managed my resources SO well, but an attack came just the same. That is the nature of my current situation, peace is not at the end of the day, peace is when I leave oklahoma. Peace may not even be then. Peace might be something we just dream and talk about until we die. Death may be the only peace. As ever God has his reasons, and he knows what he's doing. I trust him. That does not prevent me from loathing to my core his decisions. It also doesn't give me any understanding of his process. If there even is a process. Perhaps his supremacy just is, it exists like gravity. Honestly, his current course of action (inaction as observed by the layman) is enough to drive one to become a deist. A Deist believes that God is separate from the activities of the world. Like he just set up the universe and let it run wild. It's like a very focused agnostic.

What is more frustrating is how active dark forces are. While God's activity is invisible to me I can very clearly see the darkness. I can clearly perceive the attacks intensifying as I seek God with greater fervor. Would that God was as visible in his activities towards me. I know he's working, and I know he loves me. If his love was as larger than life as the enemy's hatred of me...... the stories would be dwarfed by his magnitude. The biblical test would be feeble in comparison to his majesty. As yet the text is my only reminder of his so called majesty. I have faith in his majesty, I just have observed very little of it. Ugh. I'm so tired of being his. He seems to hold so little regard for me. Yet he won't let me die. What a paradox! Yet he can live it, because his reason is superior to very reality.

One day God will show up. On that day there will be peace. Of course he's already here and working, but one day that work will be made known. Oh to see such a day, my heart aches.

Silence

All quiet so far for the last 72 hours. Made it through another week's meeting, coasting gently towards Thanksgiving on that front. The world it would appear is in chaos, but in my heart there is a deep stillness. Not the stillness of joy or peace, but the stillness of trust. I will be doing my best to remain anchored in God. I have been challenged recently by Oswald Chambers to change my perspective from believing that reason is the core of all that is reality to realize that the supremacy of God is superior to even reason.

It is not easily that I come to this place. I much prefer reason, however reason says I should be dead. If we accept economics as a means to weed out the weak elements then by all logic I should have killed myself long ago. In simple economic terms the risk and liability of living far exceeds the meager rewards of my current profession. Further, were I to die my family would experience greater economic and social benefits than me living.

Since there is a moral and social taboo on trying to put my life to an end, there must be some greater truth than profit, reason, and social benefits. As God is capable of manipulating all of the previously mentioned forces to his own benefit we must conclude logically that he is superior. Further as my family consider's my death distasteful we must conclude that there is a superior force to reason and profit, that being something superior to the systems I had trusted.

On a more personal note I have to acknowledge that in seeking a deeper relationship with our Lord he as well reaffirms his superiority. So I remain focused on a reality more stable than the reality I see. The reality of faith is a place in which I understand that God is a constant, and that no matter what sort of noise is going on in observable reality he remains in control and loving towards me. That being true no permanent harm can arrive at my heart. My heart is affixed to his rock.

I must say that this is the least passionate declaration of faith I have ever made. Part of that is that in regards to waiting on his movement, if observable movement is to occur at all, has sucked much of the Joy of hope from me. Hope is a cold porridge, it nourishes my starving heart but does not provide taste or satisfaction. Hope is a trust in the possible reality of his marvelous and thrilling movement, yet faith is knowing that regardless of his visible movement his love is real. Faith tells me I could live the rest of my life without one observable or miraculous movement from my God. Hope says I might not have to. Five years I have been anticipating what move he might make. Yet this year has brought home the hollow nature of a relationship built on my personal profit. He is lord regardless of what he does to/for me. He is lord because he draws me into becoming a better man. He is lord because he helps me love the unlovable. That is miracle enough for most of humanity, and miracle enough for me. My ideals dream of more, hope to see a greater world and dwell in happiness in this life. My ideals are being forced to submit to faith.

Attacks continue

The latest attack on my sanity and peace of mind came while I was BEGGING God to relieve the pain I was already in. I am so tired, frustrated with begging him to save me. Once was enough. He knew my request before I even made it the first time 5 years ago. So he could have prepped a solution at that point. AH but that's were the language is interesting:

Ask and it shall be ANSWERED

That's right. So this is his answer. Either "wait" or "nope". How can a loving God who shares our suffering allow pain and suffering to go on further?! I know I've attacked this 9 ways from sunday. The fact is I can never know on this plane of existence. His ways are his ways. He has a plan. He will either answer my prayer for rescue or let me die. And best part: I DON'T CARE WHICH!! HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE DOES AND I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD!! IN FACT LET'S JUST NOW BE GLAD WITH NOTHING!

Praise you oh lord, for you provide for my needs. You give me food so I don't starve. You give me water so I don't die of thirst. You give me shelter to protect me from exposure. Actually you give me all the above things so that I cannot succumb to my pain and die. Praise you Lord for your wisdom is eternal. Praise the God of all, observer of pain! Praise God, receiver of prayers! Praise God, who's timing leaves many humans broken and desperate! Praise the God who delights in our devotion even as his long lasting silence and apparent apathy torture our hearts! Praise the God of long delays, who delights in eternal life while we suffer mortality. Praise the God who created such self destructive people! God who created in us not only a great capacity to sustain pain, but also a great capacity to dream, because if we didn't dream we would just assume pain is the standard and move on. Praise God who torments us with his ability to cure our infections, lift us from despair, and relieve our suffering! Praise his wisdom and power in his reluctance to use that power. Praise his timing, because someday he'll feel like doing something. Save us Lord, we're tired of growing, we'd like some peace. Save me Lord, you know best, and I am so small. I realize just how much I need you when I hurt this distinctly. Save me from these horrible men. Save me from the forces that bind me. Free me. Let them see you. Lord show me a world with justice, where the evil don't win. Show me your victory, make me part of it. Let me free and let my freedom stand out.

At this point it's just surviving

It's been a long road to this point. At the beginning I remember thinking I could win. I remember having ideals, dreams. These things I now realize are fantasy. Of course there are forces in this world that could effect that type of change, make things like I dream of happen. I'm not one of them.

The season of seasonal depression has come and with it has come the realization that I need to let go of the idea that I could be an elected official. It's not that I'm un-electable (though I think I would be very hard to elect), it's a matter of challenge vs resources. With my level of depression and how I react to stress the level of stress of an elected official is more than I could stand. First off I don't like customer service, particularly I don't like the consuming public's tendency to want two contradictory things. We want better education AND lower taxes. We want lower budgets and tight defenses. These things can't happen. Speaking of I want peace and power, and now I realize those two things can never coexist.
Further I morally cannot be directly deceptive. At the same time as that is true if I am put in a corrupt environment I do everything I can to become invisible, even if that means absorbing corrupt attitudes. Those two things are contradictory to each other.

I'm not certain about any of my other dreams. I know that Gene Roddenberry started his writing career at my age, so it isn't too late for that dream. I just haven't found that sweet spot between work and home life.

The depression makes it really hard to observe reality. At this point I'm just trying to get through until sane and stable again. I know I trust in God, and I trust that he understands the difference between lack of faith and lack of energy to fight. He can do whatever he needs to do. All I need to do is breath, consume fuel, and keep my hands busy. I'm trusting him to help me find a way to do what's right again. Sometimes I just need to fall back on him, sometimes it's okay to be broken, and tired. 

Interesting stages of loss/grief cycle

It's interesting watching myself change over time. Losing Lindsay has been a long wrenching process for a number of reasons. I believe that at some deeper level I loved her. I always will, no matter what she does. Yet time changes many things.

First there's how I speak about the relationship and the loss. In the beginning I could hardly speak about it. I didn't want to be reminded of her even a little. The problem was that everything reminded me of her. Now very little reminds me of her. I have gone through and surgically removed every connection between her and who I am. My past is more complicated. I've come to the conclusion to discuss the relationship as an ongoing event that happened to be happening while other things were going on. Like how the history books discuss the 1930s. In January 1935 Amelia Earhart set off on her historic journey. Meanwhile in Nazi Germany the German air force was created in March of that year.

More in depth is the philosophical approach to what was going on in my life. I think that the larger part of the loss/grief process has to do with me having to come to peace with a number of things. At the time I was with her I thought I could force things to happen. I thought that through force of will alone I could hold my marriage together. I also believed the same in faith and finances. I seriously have no idea what my relationship with God was at the time. Some of my peers think about their wandering times about the drinking and partying. For me wandering was marrying the wrong woman and trying to be average and middle class. I tried so hard. I prayed so hard. Nothing at all added up.

Now my take on life is much different. I realize my own abilities are in different directions than I thought. The power of the word "No" has been a game changer for me. I've learned that when life throws you a curve ball you can just leave the field. I learned that I don't have to stay in toxic relationships. People stopped defining me. Jobs stopped defining me. I took two years off from all of it and had a blast.. not spend the rest of my life kind of a blast, but a pretty fantastic time.

Finally the thing that I just realized. Seeing her face causes me no different feelings at all. Which to me means I've let go.

feeling kind of useless

I had to decide not to go to school... the classes would have started today...

It isn't that I wanted to go to the classes particularly. It's this place I'm in, philosophically, economically, emotionally. I know I've lifted it up before, but let me repeat: My biggest problem is not lack of resources. My biggest problem is lack of specific connections, and time. I don't think I could be making more money right now, unless I worked more overtime, that's not going to happen.

I have such great things in my life. I feel blessed to have a home, a car, and every kind of electronic device and tool I could want. Yet I still wake up and have to face the same level of risk, and no amount of work will solve my financial desires. Which is why I lifted up the desires to God, I told him that he was the only one who could do it. I'm still here waiting. The only future I see is that either my folks will pass and leave enough for me to escape (not sure how likely that is), or for me to pass away before I start to fall apart. Again, that seems unlikely.

I'm trying to find my peace where I am. I have some fun games, and I hope sincerely I can get the writing thing going again soon. God's still working. This wouldn't be getting so difficult if I weren't close. I'm not entirely sure that works philosophically, but I'm too tired to work it out.

Returning to: who do I follow, who do I worship?

I finally got my computer replaced. So I'm back. I realize I never said I was gone, sorry, still no time machine to correct that one. I want to dive into the topic I've been thinking about, sort of break in the new computer (nicknamed Dragon).

What got this all started was when I was taking something apart, a social phenomena. I was puzzling my way through it and I realized this was my process:
1: What is the thing that is confusing me, is it social, moral, or political?
2: If it is moral then what are the grounds for the morality at stake?
2B: If it is social or political what are the motivations and forces in play?
3: Who are the people, what are their motivations, and what are their economic and social needs?

It occurred to me that my problem solving and analytical process itself is secular. This is natural as I did have a secular education. What troubles me more deeply is my lack of factoring God into my deductions and planning.

I'm not dissatisfied with God. My life is decent, I eat well, I have steady work, and I get every petty desire I please so long as I am willing to make sacrifices to get their.

Sacrifices.... I'm interested in that word..... I have of course been a little lax in the tithe department. The normal excuses came up, first that times were hard, second I didn't see how I should bring economics into my spiritual life, finally that I had need and he is still talking but not doing. I can see that I have in fact neglected that portion of my spiritual life. So that's one to grow on.

I had to turn away from a big chance. Supposedly all the money I could want was on the table, all I had to do was work 60 hours a week for 14 months. My health won't allow that. Further it just didn't feel right. There was something I couldn't lay my finger on that didn't seem right. So I turned it down. Which was actually partially at least an act of faith. I said to myself "God provides, he offered that opportunity, he put me here, he knows what he's doing."

Yet while I sit here affirming my faith... I'm struggling. This isn't like it was before, I can quantify my problems: money. Isn't it always the way? It has been a major fixture of my adult life that I can drive what I want, have whatever toys I want, but freedom? Out of reach.

My parents don't even believe in my dream. My mom has said it just doesn't exist. Just the other day she said "rich people aren't any happier." Which is bullshit. Yes, I agree that money IN ITSELF will not fix every problem. Buying a new computer has not upped the time I spend on my book. But money allows options. Money is a resource, like food in the pantry, gas in the car, lights in the house and a house on some land. All these things are for sale. Will food in the pantry save your marriage? No, but if you aren't hungry all the time, it helps. If you don't HAVE to work 50-80 hours a week then there are benefits, and they are real. Honestly, the money is only worth what it will buy. All I want is the freedom not to buy in, if that makes sense.

I'll write out my visualization:
Imagine you are driving into town to go to the store. You go through the aisles, picking out things based on quality and taste, not on price. You pick a few things to try, and other things give you ideas on what to make. You drive home, to a house that the bank can't take away. You play with your kids. You go to sleep and don't mind when you need to wake up. Writing knows no schedule, and when a writer is awake he researches and he writes.

All that is possible. God can do that. Heck I might be able to do it. I'd just prefer he do it. He knows a thing or two more about stability. His gifts last and last. The wait has got to be worth it. It usually is anyway.

Frustrated prayer

I don't know whether to call this a rant, or a prayer, or my head just blowing off. It's just so frustrating knowing that there is a God who loves me, who is in fact active in my life. It's frustrating because I'm butting my head against the same problems that I just can't solve. I bring them to God, and then I try to shift as best I can to either live with it, or fix what I can.
The problem comes down to freedom. For 5 years since I identified the problem I have been bringing this item up in prayer. Assuming three times a week, which averages the times I asked 5 times a day and the times I asked once a week, 807 times I have mentioned it to the Lord that: Hey, you say you break shackles, I've got this problem, etc.
It just seems like I'm going to continue to be under the gun. I've still got the same masters... one way or another. What bothers me more is that there are solutions, it's all about force to a direct spot.
See it's a financial problem, the problem being that living appears to cost quite a penny, and I don't want to have to sell my body for money for the rest of my life. I only can push so much, and my body can only do so much. I am further limited by age and health considerations. If I had understood the problem, and had access to the solutions I now do 8 years ago we'd be in a different boat now. Of course if I understood economics and such at 19 there are a number of different roads I could have traveled down.

So here I am, waiting on God for an answer that I don't know how could possibly scratch the itch. It's not that he's not capable. It isn't even that I don't know a solution or two. Compound interest and good assets could solve all of this. I'm further sure that he has access to even greater instruments. I am however unsure of what he intends to do. See because even though he says he hates imprisonment... slavery... blah blah blah set the captives free.... seek and you shall find and such, I've been praying at this for 5 years, and further I'm prepared to wait into eternity for him to come up with an answer. Because the great news is someday I will die. Today we found out processed meat is a cancer risk, meaning us working class schmoes get to clock out for good early. Bring on the hot dogs, because the chances of me getting gut cancer are higher than the chances of me finding a compassionate situation, or a natural solution to the resource shortage problem I've been having. 

the hateful process of buying a laptop

I came into this with such hopes. I had found a few laptops in my price range and thought that it would be a snap that one of them would work for me. It should be noted that I won't have ALL the money until possibly the end of the month... but that's alright.
Here are my needs (and why):
Intel i7, preferably 4 core (I bought an amd..... it's been a nightmare from the laptop side. I thought it was an i5 equal, and either i5s aren't doing what they used to, or... yeah, not.)
Minimum 8 gigs of ram and must be upgradable to 16 gigs. (running on 8 now... not going well)
Linux compatible (windows sucks, it takes way too much work to get the hardware to do what it was built to do. It's also heavy, it's a resource hog that acts like you don't need programs, you've got windows. It's hard to configure, you can never get down to the command line and work. Oh, and don't get me started on the file system. It's not as bad as mac, but not by much anymore.)
10 key, because number pad saves my bacon
and a dedicated graphics card
Sounds simple, yes?
No sir!
It will cost me roughly double my budget. I am seriously in the range of custom built machines wanting the specs I want.... My desktop with the most powerful processor ever made (8 core AMD) didn't cost this much. It just makes me hate the whole computer thing. Like I should just go buy a fucking game console and forget about my entire computer life for a few years. Maybe I should. It's not like this is going anywhere.

never over

I don't want to give the impression that the war is over in my life. I do still believe it may be over while I'm still breathing, but I can't make any promises. I'm not running the show here. It should be noted at this point I'm okay with that. I wouldn't have a better plan if I were to be running the show. In addition I don't think there is anyone or anything out there with a better plan for my life. God and I are having a more realistic discussion that I have had in awhile. That being said... it's hard. It's very hard having a frank discussion with the guy who could throw a net around you and scoop you into security. It complicates things knowing the guy is all powerful, and his assessment of what needs to change in me is what determines what happens next. If I'm still too flawed to perform whatever task he has ahead for me, back through the fire I go. Even now when the fire isn't high I'm still being molded. I have had to let go of my attachments, materialistic instincts I suppose I had. It must be in the human nature to drift towards materialism, because my instincts are more towards a value system based on time. Which is challenging, since every job I know promises money, not time.

I came to the conclusion that my ideal would be maximum hours to think and write. If I were really financially secure I could do that... Anyway, I'm kind of dry right now. On the road to a new computer, fingers still crossed about that, because it's not here until it's here.