the fantasies of man outreach his biology

Just something that struck me while I was reading Maslow's thoughts on pornography. Pornography is fantasy, more often than not male fantasy. What he said is that it's a lie, but not a harmful one if you KNOW it's a lie. Valuable words there. He said these are but fantasies, which is a critique and praise. But most importantly they are unrealistic fantasies. Personally I enjoy word fantasies, ones I create in my mind the images for. I just read some today. Yet that doesn't make my love for the arms of a real woman fail. Sometimes it makes the longing more acute. Sometimes it lessens it. However it is primarily an experience between me and my own head. And such is my love of myself sometimes that I must daydream fantastic adventures for me to go on. I know I won't go in the end. Being a good man and responsible are too important.
Another thing he said is music is utopia. My current favorite song is called Captain Lou, going as follows:
"Some say that I'm not wrapped too tight
captain lou captain lou captain lou
But when I'm on the scene everything's alright
captain lou captain lou albano"

I just love the idea. This song is my private utopia, and here is why, and then I'll tell you another story of my utopia. Some people don't like me, or might speak words against me, and it's hard being an intelligent realist and both knowing that and trying to transcend that. But people want me around. I can imagine them calling my name. Because when I'm around, for them, life gets better. That's what  I want to believe. Whether it's true or not is another thing entirely. But I say as Vonnegut said before me that the truth is a dangerous thing. Sometimes too much of it could rip you apart. Well, could rip me apart. I couldn't stand for years to realize why my wife left me, why she did what she did. Now I understand. I wouldn't go back and tell myself the answer though, not after it was too late to change. I had hurt too much.

Another utopia was inspired by her. She called me proud and vain when she left me. I am. So is all man, but I know mine so I can mock it, and in mocking it I find vision of what men want to be: You're so vain.

You walked into the party
like you were walking onto a yacht
your hat strategically tipped below one eye
your scarf it was apricot
you had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavot
and all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

This is the essence of man, both in his flower and in his shame. It is shameful to be so insecure as to need to put on a display for others. But it is beautiful to love yourself so decadently that everyone wishes to be in your shoes. I found this song, and I adopted it as one of my ego banner songs because this song is about me. Not LITERALLY, but about a man like me. I want to be that man, we all do sometimes.

But one of the verses is so brutally honest it helps me gut check myself:

You said that we made such a pretty pair
and that you would never leave
but you gave away the things you love
and one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
clouds in my coffee

I loved her, I made such promises to her. To more people than I'm proud to admit. But in the end I gave away the things I loved. One of them was Lindsay. One of them was Nikki. They had dreams but in the end it mattered to me more who they were to ME. Anyway the point is that if they really mattered to me maybe they would have made different decisions. Or maybe not.
I'm going to go into another utopia now:
Minecraft.

update 8-28

Journal 8-28

So I'm feeling very frustrated and this is all I have to work with, typing up a future blog entry that I may never publish.

Last night I dreamed again.... about Nikki. In my dream my dad and she were conversing about my attraction to her. He talked about my devotion.... etc etc. And how james will never love her like I would, or be a good father like I might. And she decided to leave him for me. SO we started trying to be intimate. It was wonderful. Of course I felt guilt, something felt wrong that by the force of my will I had received what I wanted so bad at the expense of her relationship with him. Which is why I'm trying not to sabotage it. If she leaves him, and chooses me, it should be her idea. I tried to kiss her and it all fell apart.
I put on my music forget the day
think of a girl that I used to know,
I close my eyes and I drift away

(guitar riff)
It's more than a feeling
more than a feeling
when I hear that old song once again
I've been believing, more than a feeling
see Mary Ann walk away
I see that Mary Ann walking away

Check bounced, now I'm short over 160 dollars because of the bank and the insurance agency, now that's not counting the money I pray is sitting in my drawer.

Anyway got through first two classes. I need to find a way to access the net on campus.... will work on that in about two hours.
Anyway, it's still eating at me about dreaming about Nikki, being as how I can't have her. In my dream she realized that I was the better choice... because of Dad. And she resented it.... so I read anyway hence the failed kiss. She's talking about moving out if she loses her job.... I'm trying to be very apathetic about it. After all, if she does I can rent to one person and make more money, And have better parking. But I'd miss her.... a bit. Lately she's been less pleasant, she promises things and doesn't do them. It's a problem of how affection and love works. People can hurt you, but then again you can forget. I've started to come around to the idea that I care/cared for my ex wife. Yes, I loved her. Not just in the traditional sense that I affectionately enjoyed her attentions (that was the first step to have to admit). Over time I have discovered that I also miss her touch, her eyes, how it felt to come home to her, the security of her love and her being there. Now of course I realize the security was an illusion.

In other news I apparently talked my way through a block with a witty new girl. No more details for now, I've learned my lesson.

Get this guys: I get it

So I just had an amazing epiphany of why my previous relationships, particularly my marriage failed. As some of you might know this has been the holy grail of understandings for two years already. This is like cracking the mystery of why you can't become attractive to anyone you are attracted to, despite stories and advertising to the contrary. This is big big stuff. A guy recognizing how wrong he was even though no one would damn tell him is a blessed miracle. So I was taking apart the marriage bit by bit for what must be the 77th time when I started to look at it a different way. My previous theories often centered on that she had fooled herself into marrying me based on an abstinence obsessed christian subculture. Which I took some responsibility for due to my being the overcharged libido carrier in fault for the crime in question. So when it failed it must have been my fault for building a marriage on lies that your first partner in bed will be the one you know and understand best. I built a marriage on the idea that two people with similar goals and high libido would come out fine. I was wrong of course. Now, not just in that I once thought the marriage would last, also I am deeply deeply wrong in why she stopped loving me. She stopped loving me because I never loved her the way she needed. I loved her the best I could. Honestly it's like throwing in a bunch of metric tools with non metric hardware. They can try, but all they can ever be is on different machines. I was always daydreaming about the sex we might have one day if we ever get up to it. Then we'd get up to it and it would always disappoint. Is it any wonder I had problems with literary porn. Fantasies fueled my life. I lived dreaming to live. I was so deeply invested in being right about everything, about things just having to be so, about missing the most important thing I ever missed: Maybe she did love me as deeply as she said. It's possible, I'm not an unattractive man. Maybe she just wanted my love. No need to think about the future when you are really in love. The future is windowdressing. The now is precious because you are with the one you love. If you don't love them you are always looking away. I was always looking away. I didn't love her like I should. I could never accept the simplicity of her romance. It was a homecooked meal, a new outfit, holding me when I got home from work. Working with me, playing with me. My best friend. I loved her, but not enough. Love is never enough, is the title of a book on my shelf on couple's psychology. Good communication it says is the core of any relationship. I never felt welcome to have feelings around her. I felt like she was trying to crush us into becoming her parents. And because I feared it, it tried to become so. Then she was afraid we'd turn into my parents, and she feared it and it nearly became so. Actually it did become so. Only she didn't love me like my mom loves my dad. That's what makes mom a lady, she has the class to see past the faults and love him through it all. If Lindsay had been so, I would have loved her forever, imagine it. Never starting smoking. Never being a playboy sort. No blond hair. No crazy eyeglasses. No big slush fund..... actually that would still exist if we both could work. No new car for YOU this time.

someday I'll find her....... maybe in the afterlife, but she's  out there....
I don't know how to get over....Nicki....Sarah. I loved Sarah but the anxiety.... the anxiety..... Going back to her has more free radicals in the experiment than an untested nuclear blast. It's too dangerous and frankly I both love her to much to risk doing that to her, and love me too much to do it to me. And I don't love her or need her in my life so much that makes such risk worthwhile. It was shallow love.

People like us
who will answer the telephone
people like us
we don't need freedom
We don't want justice
we just want someone to love
What good is freedom?
God laughs at people like us
I see it coming, like thunder falling down from above.

Times are hard for people like us.

muddily do, muddily do, bodily bust, bodily bust

We do, doodley do, doodley do, doodely do,
What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;
Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,
Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust.
(Kurt Vonnegut)

I feel as if I have failed to uphold my duty to preserve this record of my ongoing quest for meaning and hope in this post divorce wasteland. So, first, I'm sorry about all that. Second, I'm going to try and keep up with it more.

So where to begin?
Well Sarah and I broke up.... I broke up with Sarah........... Over a month ago she decided she was too busy to see me, so out she went. You might be under the impression I can only be so glib because of my distance from the problem, but no. See, in my heart we broke up when she flat out refused to accept my best friend or compromise. And it looked like Shannon part 2, and no thanks, that was no fun the first time.
Somewhere in the middle of that relationship Nikki decided to tell me she had feelings for me. So I couldn't just end the relationship with sarah and by the time it did end of it's own accord Nikki had moved on. Which comes to the primary point of conflict in my relationship life: Nikki. She loves someone else.... again. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I know........ I cuss because I cannot eloquently express my distaste for the situation I am currently in. It is without a doubt beyond compare with any other disappointment in Nikki that I have had in the past. In the past when she was over the moon for some guy, well that guy was the father of her child and I could not claim a better footing. But this guy just came out of the blue while I was trying to resolve my personal matters. And she prefers him........................................... I'm just getting more angry here.

They aren't together now....

Waiting for the right moment, or to be more accurate wondering if the right moment will ever arrive. I feel like I'm sitting watching my life go by. Of course if I was in a relationship with anyone other than my soul mate the difference is utterly moot except in the bragging rights of having more sex..... That's uncomfortably honest and close to home, but this is processing. Do I think that Nikki is my one unique soul mate? I was going to say no out of hand.... but, yet again being honest with my heart I do not know. She may be. Life is surprising. If she loved me..... loved me..... I would say she was. Of course I love her..... but it is not in my love to ask what she has not offered. Right now I certainly don't see anything better. Granted, that's horrible reasoning for love. To be honest I'm unsure whether I could be happier with anyone else...... and it bothers my competitive little heart not having that which I wish to have. She promised we would have another chance...... now it comes down to my trust of her. And of God......... I don't talk about him much anymore.

A brief reprieve into my career I have gained employment in my field. I work in a mental hospital for children....... For children being the shocking part, we all knew I belonged in a mental hospital. It's actually quite fulfilling. I get to be the father I've always been well suited to be to 15 boys, between 14 and 17, there might be a few younger. Sometimes I end up on the younger wards or working with little girls, which needless to say is not my gift. But I seem to have taken to the job as well as can be hoped, if not better.

And I might be getting a new renter.

I wish I could have fulfilling dreams about the woman I love. I wish she would look at me and see what I see when I look at her..... is it too much to wish that? Is it too much to long to be longed for back? To want to torture her with pleasure and happiness? It's a rare thing that I want to let my will be bent to meet another's but in her I find that already my will is bent to hers, and I find her in my life comfortable.... and I know that as long as she is in it I cannot honestly chase any other relationships...... though I may still try....... I miss sex.... even my enjoyment of pornography is on the decline. It is as if my heart is drying and freezing, going into hibernation. Yet.... nothing... I long for it to beat..... I long for meaningful human contact. Yet that is desperate and wrong, so I must teach myself not to feel. Because the one I want doesn't want me, and there is not currently a better option to fall back on.


 The ex is happy, I'm filling the paperwork she wants filed.

The vocal minority

I'm coming down to realize the reasons I smoke are more complex than I have previously discussed. Yes, the flavor is good and I do enjoy it. But a larger reason, larger especially now that I realize it is this; smoking tobacco puts a man at odds with society for choices that HE has made. Now I used to be one of those clean living types, liberal and healthy and all that bull.  The liberal agenda is supposed to be to defend the little guy, the put upon and those who either cannot or will not speak for themselves. Our liberal friends, who claim to be on our side never seem to get around to voicing what the minority has to say. Now the conservatives are worse, but not by much. I'm pro-smoking. I'm proud to say that I love the taste of a good cigar. I'd gladly give anyone I like a good cigar, and sit down and enjoy the day, which is what I'm doing at this very moment.

What really gets to me is the blatant hypocracy of the non smoking world. Not that smokers are any more honest, but most are a bit more realistic to realize that first of all, life is dangerous, and second we aren't getting the whole story. There is a witch hunt against smokers in this country. And yet many continue to smoke. They must have good reasons. I know I do. We as smokers are sick of being lumped together with everyone that smokes.

Here is how it works, and this applies to a large amount of labels. What someone does for a hobby does not make them homicidal, abusive, or a destructive member of society. Why do more of these sorts of people smoke? Because when you stop caring what others think enough to be a detriment to society you might as well smoke, and do anything else you might wish to do. You know that when you get caught they're just going to kill you or make your life hell anyway. Why not smoke?
A person, let's call him Dave, could be a real piece of work. He could cheat on his wife, beat her and the kids when he gets home, eventually devolve into bank robbery and working for the mob. He might have to start pulling off hits, etc etc.
Anyway, Dave has made some personal choices in his life. I'll tell you a couple. He drives a red ford truck for example. Now that is a personal choice. He likes his truck. However him liking it doesn't make him a bad person. Would you start attacking everyone who drives a Ford, or a truck, that they don't have your best interests at heart? No. Do you know why? Because Ford has worked hard to create a positive image in the mind of america. They are good trucks, and that doesn't change a thing. Now when Dave is driving around in his big old ford truck he likes to go through the drive through of McDonald's. He doesn't order off the healthy menu. He eats a greasy burger and fries. He's not taking very good care of himself is he? Does that mean we should insult him? Maybe make burger and fries very highly taxed and hard to get. That would show him for not taking good enough care of himself. You realize that is just plain silly. I hope you do.
Now he likes to pick up a case of Bud Light on the way home so he can have a drink while he watches his shows and his wife tries to avoid him so she won't get hit. He'll probably get drunk. And he'll die younger because he overdrinks and blacks out every night. And society DOES see that evil. Yet we don't say everyone who has a bud light at a bar, or buys bud light is evil. We understand he is an alcoholic. He needs treatment and rehab, and he might have to go to jail. Because of his inability to control himself. Not the alcohol. Dave, like many men, likes a smoke while he's drinking.
Which brings me around to my point. Dave is a bad man. No one who works at the tobacco shop made him that. No one in big tobacco is guilty of even ONE crime against Dave. Dave is going to die young because he's reckless in general. He's just as likely to drive that Ford into the river, or drink himself to death as to die of lung cancer. Actually it's more likely his liver will fail first. Society has to find other ways to cope with people like that other than punishing good contributing citizens with overtaxation and discrimination. There are many jobs that discriminate against smokers. The smoking area is almost always dirty and not relaxing. And why not? Smokers must deserve it for making a life choice like that, right?
Smokers are people, whether anyone wants to admit or not. And there is nothing wrong with tobacco, except for the smell, and that's something all of us, smokers and non smokers, have to deal with.

letter to my girl

Hey baby,
      I'm just sitting here, dealing with anxiety caused by this medicine, missing you. I feel so sick to my stomach from this it isn't even funny. Maybe because normally when I feel this sick it's because I feel horrible about something that I'm worried so much about every little thing. I keep thinking that I must be feeling guilty about something. What do I have to feel guilty about? My past is the first thing that pops into my head. I think I really just need to type out this problem and I'll feel better. Hence the drafting of this letter. I feel guilty about being with a man, that I was with a man right before we met. Something in my brain wants to make more of it than I wanted to, so I'm using some logic on this. First of all, and mind you I'm trying very hard not to rationalize, I wasn't with you. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't become aware of you until after that happened. That's a calming thought. Second, my past is my past, you've accepted that and I need to. I feel guilty about being diagnosed with a disease (since this version is for my blog I'll just say it's an STD, not AIDS). It's like it's all my fault. I mean it IS. And aren't I already paying the consequences? What am I worried about? You know the score on my past. You know the risks. You love me regardless..... I'm scared of losing your love. You love me so well, but sometimes you get so mad at me, like I'm not the man you pictured yourself with. That's why I try to be very real about who I am. If I lose you at this point because of who I am, or because of my past I can't control that. No amount of talking will undo everything I have done. Only God can provide the forgiveness I seek, not you. I need to pray..... break for a moment, talk amongst yourselves.


to be continued

aha, a mystery

I think perhaps I finally am growing to understand the nature of love. Having met the woman I hope to grow old with, I must unravel the mystery of how to make her feel perfectly loved. Yes I have the words, I have the tools in that way, but what are her buttons?
I suppose it doesn't seem like a big thing but it is. I have been puzzling all day on quite a puzzle. In a documentary, well a TED talk, and they said the brain has three attachments. The sexual, the romantic and the long term. Now according to the good doctor they can be separate people. My desire is that they not. Because if they are, then that leads logically to cheating and I won't stand for it. So, for now, where I'm at anyway, I need to find reasons to be utterly facinated by her. I'm horribly attracted to her, but things are rather..... vanilla. Not that they aren't as wonderful as I could ever have hoped that vanilla would be. But I am... shall we say, intrigued by the prospect of trying to discover how to stimulate her, make her lose control, make her lose herself in our passion. It's a wonderful dream, a challenging quest and it will take everything I have and a bit of luck to spare to get there. But she does love me, and I can only hope she desires to drive me as wild as I want to drive her.

so..... yeah

I know, I only post when I need to vent... which is less and less lately, yes? Well only partially. I get less time to myself due to the new relationship (FYI: YAY), and when I do my roommate has kidnapped my computer and I have to wait, and then I have to get work done. Seriously I went from 40+ hours on or near my computer a week to getting maybe 12-15. Wow. I didn't even realize it was that huge of a decrease. No wonder my work and this has been neglected. So seriously sorry to any readers and naturally to my future self that the past few weeks have not been documented enough.
So... it's just alot of frustration right now. I carve out time to spend with my roommate in hopes to help her deal with her issues and so I can get my computer back more...................... and FUCK I am pissed that she doesn't understand I'm trying to make time for her. Obviously living with her makes her think that she has some sort of right to my time.
Also all is not perfect with the relationship. I mean I love Sarah. Note that first. She's amazing, sweet, beautiful, and rather sexy. I mean I've felt closer with her at times than with anyone. BUT, and this is a big BUT, there are irritants. Which I should be talking about with ANYONE but ranting into my blog. Yet I'm not. I'm just not there with any of my friends. I mean this used to be something I would talk about with Nikki.... but, and this is an irritant, Nikki and I are trying to redefine our boundaries. Well we were. BUT, she's on the phone. What happened was we got back after having this great evening drinking and hanging out with new friends....... just talked with her. Hang out, I'll be back.

My 2012 Political Platform

So for those of you who don't know, I am running for president 2012, to oppose the madness in this race. First of all I was born in America, Dallas Texas to two American parents. I have my birth certificate and can produce it on request.

So let's begin, my stance issue by issue:
Space Travel: In my mind one of the most important overlooked issues this election. I think that NASA needs to focus less on what limited things it can do with it's budget and using that budget to market space as a place that the free market needs to push humanity into. Space prospecting is what I'm talking about. Humans need to have sufficient motivation to get into space. We can move energy towards using things that are abundant both on our home world and in space (Hydrogen anyone?). We can prospect for metals that are useful enough to justify the expense of a space mining operation. It's a long shot but we can start working on colony development and helping the development of travel and real estate in space. Also I pledge to put Newt Gingrich on the moon in my second term. No one said anything about oxygen. But I do think that's where he belongs. Perhaps leading a moon colony of ultra conservatives. We seem to have a glut of those people who are not happy in america anymore.
Women's reproductive health: This is also a major issue. Women deserve the right to be healthy, and to make up their own mind. If they determine they need birth control it should be available. I have lost track of the number of stories I've heard about young women who have not had access to good protection and have had their futures marred by having a child too early. Another thing we must do is support our young mothers. This law that says a single parent is grounds for abuse charges is prejudice. Regardless of whether couples are a better environment it is wrong to take a child from a mother just because the father walked out, and vice versa.
Economy: Flat out, Washington must not be a wholly owned subsidy of this nation's big business interests. Yes business is the heart of our economy, and as long as they are keeping and producing good jobs here at home they should be rewarded. But those rewards should not become bribes and corrupt. If a business is corrupt and wants to be treated like a person the penalties should be more than financial, it should be the death of the institution. Yes I want a death penalty for businesses that rely on criminal activities and mistreatment of their employees the basis of being successful in business. But since we can't send these entities to the electric chair, they must be nationalized. Then the nation can temporarily run the business, then break it up and sell it off to the competitors. Being a monopoly should be illegal. I would be a monopoly buster for this country.
Prayer in school: Religion should not be taught in public school. End of story, because if the government becomes responsible for children's religious education that's too much responsibility. It should not be illegal, but you don't have the right to force your values in the face of other people's children. That's an attack. Furthermore it's what this country was founded trying to avoid. Be aware of the history of the church.

That covers the basics, email me with questions.

Why there is no point to the midwest

For those of you who don't live in the central US, you may have some idyllic vision of the midwest as the sort of place where family values still roam free, small town values are held up high and life is still as great as it was back in the good old days. Well if you're a fundamentalist republican christian woman, you're damn well set.
Now if you are anything else, this place is hell. Now I'm not saying it's the third world, please hear me out. Living in america is still miles above living conditions in many places. As far as making money? Easy as anything, I'm not going to lie. But if you have a desire to mate, and you immigrate here, you'd better bring the good women with you because this place is a fucking deathtrap for men. There are tons and tons of intelligent men, or men with more charm and good looks, or more money. No matter what you do you'll always be combing through the leftover fat women with 2+ kids and no damn brain. So yes, you can have sex, sometimes, and if you are willing to comb through more spam than could feed all of England for a year. You can have kids, lord knows these dumb country bitches are easy enough. Hey on that topic if you mention God you get a two for one special. But if you ever meet an intelligent girl, she doesn't want to be here. She has to have come on some hard times. It's like if you find an intelligent sweet girl at a strip club, hard times have hit her hard buddy and be prepared to deal with some major damage. I'm not saying I'm a catch, I know that there are men smarter and more handsome than me, with bigger dicks who care less about women. I'm working on all of those that I can. Oh I forgot money, which is all that really matters to these women.
I recently decided to serve out the rest of my time here and leave for the coast, where the women and money flow like the wine that they grow there. God, San Francisco is like HEAVEN compared to the purgatory that is Oklahoma. The only good thing about Oklahoma is what it isn't, namely: Texas, Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Nebraska and North and South Dakota. God help you if you live in one of those. Actually if you have a brain and live in one of those I'm sure you get out while you can. Personally I got tricked by my ex into buying a house here and now I have no choice but to live here until I can sell and make a profit. DAMN I hate it here.

now I've stayed up 3 hours later than I wanted to, just to try and get laid. Yes I am pretty damn desperate apparently.... lots of response, just gotta keep farming HARD to get what I want. What I want... HA, as if there is such a thing. 

falling out

So I am very aware that I'm not posting like I was, and I'm sorry for that. I'm trying to be busy with my life, which is really just because Nikki is back in it. We got in a fight tonight because she doesn't want to get attached to anyone... ever. So fuck that. Anyway she has a friend she's trying to hook me up with now, which is neither here nor there because it's still in the interview phase and nothing has come of it.
Got offered and took the offer for a promotion from Dad, will talk about that as needed but suffice to say it's enough money to take care of my needs and I wouldn't have to feel guilty. Now if I can just do the work.
Back at school, feeling isolated as always.... New class, does nothing for me, none of them do right now. Honestly, and I feel shame for this, I think I'm too advanced for these classes. Hence, they bore me. Oh well. Such is the life of a student.
I'm really pushing myself at the gym, moving over 100 pounds this week. Still need to hit the gym early to get in the pool time I desire. The gym is pretty much the best part of my life right now.
Nikki got a puppy, it's cute.
I'm not smoking as much, mostly for my lungs but also for my wallet. I'm hoping to get really messed up over spring break... thus are my hopes.

finally got myself to cry

Last night I finally got myself to cry. Which was nice. I was going through my old pictures... remembering what it was like when my life worked. And I cried. Because life doesn't really work right now. So... yeah. I don't want to feel like that right now so I'm going to the gym... Nikki is here. And she's not wanting me.... how.... disappointing. But she's on her period which is making it easier to get over her.

(Also this is post 100) Cheers.

casual dating and morality

In the area of things that are just plain silly I would like to take a moment to discuss this thing called casual dating. To begin with I am relatively new to the concept, originally I would date one girl at a time and try and get her into a relationship. Didn't work out that well. Anyway, last night I was chatting with a somewhat attractive girl, I was interested at any rate. We were getting on ok, and so in the Q and A I brought up sex. And she explodes all over me about how immoral I am. That should have been the end of it, but I pushed on, installed a patch on that area, and moved onward. Somehow it came up that I had had some feelings for Nikki, and she accused me of leading her on. No, leading on would be me telling HER that I felt anything for her at that point. At the point of having spoken with me for less than a week a woman does not have ANY ability to dictate what happens in my life. Heck, a woman that has been in my life for some time only gets any say because I give it to them, and that doesn't always happen. No woman I am dating right now has any exclusive rights to me. That is the nature of casual dating. Furthermore, none of them has done anything that would give them any such rights. Having sex with me gives a woman some rights to exclusivity, so I'll probably do a status check before dating more women. If a woman fell in love with me and I felt the same, yeah, I would be exclusive with her with a good amount of certainty.

A commitment is not a commitment until both people enter into the agreement. I can't owe money for something I don't own. What's so complicated about this? Does this woman WANT to claim ownership? Well we've got all the forms over here HOLD ON, what is the basis of your claim?

This strikes me as a christian woman problem. The same as the no sex before marriage issue. It's.... just plain stupid. But then the church LIKES stupid, so there you are. Look, I get that you are insecure and need to project it on someone else, but I already served my time in that jail. I payed my bill for that at the office.

Now on this issue I want to make something clear. IF Nikki had feelings for me, IF Nikki and I were sleeping together, or living together, or attached by anything more sophisticated than crazy glue we would be together. Nikki's feelings for me are somewhat a mystery. And we have determined moving back and putting things on sloooow is the move that is best for her. See, because she earned the right to get some concessions from me. Now with these particular concessions she gave me back my ability to date around. Freedom, all that shit. That's what makes good agreements, both people get something. She gets all the time she needs to figure herself out, I get the option to keep looking, and it's possible I might find someone else.

evil pageview number

So for those of you who are suspicious my blog just reached the devil's number for all time page views. IF you are superstitious it might be time to bring in some more people (gratuitous plug)

dreams of the sword

http://www.cashanwei.com/prod_Detail.aspx?id=SH2076&name=Practical%20Mortuary%20Sword
I should be getting this sword this week. Yes. While normally I wouldn't broadcast what I'm buying, this is currently the most interesting thing in my life.
In other news.... I had a witch cast a spell to remove my feeling for my ex wife.... and so far so good on that. Wow.... sounds even crazier typing it than thinking it. Anyway, I have no idea whether it's the spell, or the fact that we know meditation works, or just that getting emotions out works.... but I don't feel a desire to linger on this subject any longer... still a little close for comfort.
And while we are on the subject of emotions I can't do anything with.... I saw Nikki again last night. It was the first time since the break up we had hung out. And yes, there is still some feeling there. Fading, but there. She's so beautiful. We sang show tunes together... God I just wanted to kiss her. Things I can't have eh? She talked about how writing turns her on... you'd think I would, I mean I think I'm a decent writer. She said it got her nipples hard actually. mmmm, if I could have done something about it then I would have. Daydreams are sometimes as good as it gets. I wrote her a love note today..... *shrug* seemed like a good idea.

In other news I have a few other women sort of interested in me... nothing coming of it yet. Everyone still insists that I'm going to settle down... show me the money is my policy. I have more faith in my answered prayer.... which I believe I've been praying about the way instructed for two weeks. Which I guess sounds at least to me like I'm counting out how long it's going to take for a reaction. Yes and no. Yes I would love to see it happen sooner rather than later. But No, I'm not surprised that it hasn't. When it happens it happens. The faith attitude I'm trying to take now is that it's already done... I'm just waiting for the reality of it to catch up with me. That's really hard, because I'm feeling cynical about not being there. It's frustrating believing what I can't see. Which I guess is the crux of all faith problems.

So back around to the sword, I'm hoping it will get here before class on thursday night.

Why I would rather listen to Bill Maher than Willie George

Ok, to start I suppose I should explain who Willie George is, for non locals. Willie George is a local pastor, one of the most well rooted christians in the area. For those of you who don't know I live and grew up in a city with hundreds of churches. Being a good christian in a town like this, being admirable is hard for christians. And that starts us on the road of why I don't.... trust.... christians.
Now, on the gut level the biggest issue is that aside from my dad, I have never met an older christian man that I want to grow up to be like. They look stupid on the whole. Ill informed, whipped, and completely in the pocket of the church. I want to grow up to be like Bill Maher. He's smart, he takes on the IDIOTS in this country, he's witty about it. People attack him, they call him a bully. Like Rush Limbough isn't. They're two sides of the same coin. Of course Rush is overweight, out of shape, and maybe a little delusional, but he's an admirable man. Which comes around to what is admirable. Admirable is standing for what you believe in, admirable is being intelligent, admirable is thinking for yourself. So when I hear someone who is all these things, I have to listen. That's all for the moment.

lithium vs illegal substances

Why is it legal for a doctor to give his patient lithium, but not lsd, crack or weed? I've heard the warnings for lithium. For example EVERYONE who starts taking it halves their life expectancy. Now that may be true of crack, or lsd at times, but not weed. I'm saying maybe some people would find a solution if all useful chemicals could be given out by doctors. Just saying.

In the veign of illegal substances
GIANT GIRAFFE COSTUME, IT's really gonna happen man. I'm gonna get a giraffe costume and dance around in front of things. I would be the mystic dancing giraffe... like a specter.

intimacy

I just had a thought about intimacy, that thought being that with intimacy orgasms should actually decrease (in my case at least), the meaningfulness of the relationship would make you capable of going longer without sex, not burning out, and not moving on to someone new. I know because it was once that way for me. As I loved her my libido went down, trying to find an even level. Hers didn't. Maybe I didn't make her feel loved. *sob* I mean that could be it couldn't it?
I mean my penis plays the part
my prostate doesn't play that doesn't matter anyway
cause I got a good liver and a good beating heart
Don't how to say this, don't know what to do
but when her love just isn't there
and though she cares her love just isn't there
I've never lost site of the far horizon that I seek
Though life's humbling and brief
I still believe in what I see
and what I don't
and what I will
I keep my eye on the horizon til the dream comes home
I know that she's out there, I just can't deny
that somewhere out there is a girl for whom I'm the perfect guy
And she'd be all I need, neither yoked to a name or the words on the paper, just yoked to your heart.
I've seen long depression
I've sometimes seen death
I've seen the dissolving of all that once was
I've seen some betrayal
I've seen some abuse
But none of that yet can be an excuse
Because when life hands you lemons you must make lemonade
When God furnishes you with talent you go out and seek your trade
And even though I quite agree that God has got the best for me
Until he's here and plans appear I'm moving on
I'm moving on until his voice is at my shoulder
I'm moving on until his breath is in my hair
I'm moving on until eyes are my window
I'm going on until his feet are at my door
I'm going on until he shows me the girl I'm gonna marry
I'm going until I know I shall not die
I'm going on I'm going on and on and on and on and on
I'm going on until I'm gonna die
I wonder why
He promised me life ever lasting, that maybe I would know no dying day, or if I did it would be the next logical journey, the next step to take my life upward growth
But life is tedious and poor
yet it beats down your door
and you can't help but be incensed
why should this happen to me?
I thought that I was better than this lord God right now
be ready for you and how I must be so inadaquit
Where is your aspirations? Where are they written down?
Don't give me your word for all.
I want your special word for me.
Give me the star to aim for
I'll be true to it from the start
Give me a love to walk with
Then you will really see my heart
But must you test me with isolation?
And tests of my strength?
Why all this training? What does it mean?
Why can't I be steady? Why must I be weak?
Yes there are you and I in this relationship,
But ours is a father son
Hers will be a lover to a lover
Best friend to a friend
The sweetness of that sweet vanity that you are perfect for each other. Oh Lord for that sweet vanity to be true.  For the sweet release that would be all your promises come true. You said ask and you will be answered, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. I asked, and I asked, and you've given me partial answers, but never a straight one. A straight one lord, which is the full realization in some way and total validation. There is nothing to fear Lord, I have been as faithful to my prayer as I could have hoped for, though I know it falls short of your glory. When you answer I will be all the more yours, and I'm trying to open myself up to that. I am a human, I need a bit of stimulation, surely you know how that principle in love works, you created love did you not?
Why must I love what I cannot have..... never can I have her total love. Who? I don't know who, my heart fell out and when I shined it up and put it back in it lacked a lady love. Someone I could do anything for. I see many that I see such potential in, yet either I fail the approach because I'm flawed too, or I fail the follow through. 

Anger

I'm going to try and talk about what has been going on over the past few days and how it made me feel. I had made a perfectly decent post starting to deal with all this but it accidentally got deleted.... I've been having trouble with my creativity lately as well.... I guess obviously.
I keep getting distracted.
So anyway.... after I posted that long thing in the morning about the exchange with my wife I got in a fight with my girlfriend. Well..... I think of it more as I released some frustrated feelings and she walked out because she doesn't feel a damn thing for me.
Then I went to bed.
When I woke up.... at some point I figured out the cat had died. Well, been killed. I think that pretty much did me in as far as surviving the fight. So the cat died.... then she tells me to take HER dog to the pound (I'm not personally harping on that, everyone else is.) So that's three animals down in a week.............
She's barely talked to me since. But I have learned that she plans to move out... into an apartment that she's signing a three month lease on. YEAH, this girl wasn't ready to commit to staying down here now signs a lease.... Didn't I tell you hurting me gives women wings to soar? Well I don't think I've ever put it that way exactly, but the concept is the same as the classic They hurt me/They get cool prizes game. Maybe I should advertise this. So I'm upset over that.
And all this has just been the tipping point for me being suicidal. I was going to do it that morning after she left.... really I think mostly because there was no one to stop me anymore. So I drove over to see my dad and was planning to get checked into the hospital. Then I sort of talked myself into joining a gym.
So that's the personal life news.
In career news I haven't been in class in a week. And I think I might have quit my job. The manager I don't like and me obviously can't cooperate anymore. *sigh* Alright? updated well enough?
Now, about anger. I'm very angry right now. I've pushed away everyone who could be hurt by the anger because I'm angry enough that I imagine anyone coming within 100 yards of me will suffer residual bad energy damage. It's addictive.... anger. It makes me feel in control, powerful and intelligent. I'm aware it doesn't make me any of those things.... Though at times it fuels the chasing of those things.
It's not that I can't stop being angry, I'm fully capable of it... I have the tools. What I lack is any motivation. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from suicide right now, that's a choice to stay out of the hospital. But I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.... why on EARTH would I stop being angry if it makes me feel good? Better than any human is capable of. Oh wait, they're capable just not willing. Gee I guess god really did make man in his own image.........Yet again I see the failures of men reflected in their god.

my unsent response to the ex

"I don't know what sort of response I was hoping for, maybe you actually acting sorry. Again, I expected too much. I'm glad you can admit you were lost, that's growth. I suppose that relegates my position in your life to the shrapnel you've put behind you. And I'm sure that's how it feels, that you can say "I made mistakes in my past, but now I've got a new guy, new life, new smaller waistline so the ends justify the means." And I guess they do. I guess you'll never have to know or care what happens to me. I'll just leave you with a final thought, since you're too distanced to actually hear anything I say or care. Who can ever trust a word you say? You said you didn't believe in divorce. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You stood at the alter with me  and said for better or for worse and when worse came you went packing. I hope you never have to get called to the carpet on your beliefs again, because under pressure you do whatever you want, screw the beliefs. You're a liar, a sinner, and the most loathsome creature I have ever met. You know what you look like? You look like satan, or the whore of Babylon, all masked up under all that purity is a cold blooded reptile. You don't love people, you use them to get what you want. "