I frankly don't know that I can find a woman to love. Not because I'm incapable of love.... just parts of me don't seem to be willing to put in the effort. And I have yet to meet a woman willing to love me for who and what I am and not what she can turn me into.
So a funny side note. As you know I post fairly regularly on this blog. As regularly as I can, usually once a week or more. So I would say I'm fairly familiar with the process. Something interesting happened though after I wrote a new story for my story blog. It said "do you want to share this post with your friends on G+?" so I said sure. Then it occurred to me that I had never been asked that about this blog. Which begs the question: "Why?"
My initial thought is simple: This blog is too blunt and is obviously not something I want to expose to those close to me. Not that I obviously mind it being out there. And if anyone I do know reads this and wants to chat about any of my nastier thoughts they're welcome to it. Just so they know that if they dredge up the less nice bits of me I might not go back to being pleasant.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
sobriety? the futile chase
Suddenly I feel different about sobriety. It might be the night air, it might be the pain I am in emotionally and physically. I feel like if I continue to indulge my every whim I will destroy myself. I think it might be time to develop more self control.....
I'm not giving up anything. I hate sobriety with a passion and have no desire for that as a life long chase. I desire to fast from the things I overdo, and come back refreshed to experience them with the joy they once brought my life. That's making adjustments. More to follow on specific plans.
I'm not giving up anything. I hate sobriety with a passion and have no desire for that as a life long chase. I desire to fast from the things I overdo, and come back refreshed to experience them with the joy they once brought my life. That's making adjustments. More to follow on specific plans.
Monday, January 2, 2012
No one cares for you a smidge when you're in an orphanage
So I've seen two great movies about orphans. One is Oliver, the other is Annie. While I think they are great movies, I think they actually are the most clear illustration of a particularly crazy idea: life should be better for children. In both movies, in the beginning we note our protagonist in a bleak situation, the orphanage. The underlying assumption is to be "Children don't deserve such misery." If this was a movie about adults it would be the protagonist's responsibility to escape using their wits. Because we are taught consistantly that if an adult is in such a horrible bleak situation, namely the bleak world of work and what it looks like when
NO
NO
ONE
LOVES
YOU.
And supposedly this lack of love is only tragic and unfair for children. This in my mind creates an overbalanced situation where we raise children to believe that society will just take care of them, that they will be loved regardless. Then suddenly one day they will reach the adult world and realize that's not true. Of course some will never reach true adulthood. Some will find partners and have enough wealth to sustain the illusions in childhood. But not all. You know if children were intruduced to the unfairness of the universe earlier it's possible they would overcome it in adulthood. This is what is really wrong with the school system. It's a very ineffective way of preparing young people for life. It prepares you for educational institutions, which is GREAT for higher education and possibly life in the philosophical elite. But for working class america it's a horribly inefficient system compared to apprenticeship. If a child, say 9-10 were put to work as an apprentice they could have a bright future. But no, because we have this crazy idea of childhood we force the child to waste 17-18 years of their life. Pleasuring themselves and being pleasured. Is it any wonder there are so many addicts in this country?
realities of nicotine
Alright, first of all I'm coming at this as a hardened smoker. As I consider myself a hardened drinker, so hardened that I will stop drinking for months to appear to be not addicted, same goes for smoking. However, after three days without a smoke... it started to get to me.
I threw myself into the smoker filled environment I worked in, into another stressful weekend, the one rule? No smoke. Why? because I wanted one. Three days ago I wanted to smoke. Incidentally I'm smoking right now.
Upon realizing that I had a craving, and realizing I had smoked every day for two weeks, I determined that I was dangerously near the line of "Addicted." I entered smoking with the express intention of not being addicted. I hate the term addicted. Obsessed? That's ok, obsession and madness go hand in hand, and we've already determined I'm slightly mad. But addiction... it's just wrong. people look down on it. Bad connotations. However I have similar... problems... with sugar. Simple sugar, nothing illegal about it. However I consume more sugar than anyone should, more sugar and more fat. My body is starting to reflect that. Not so much that you would generally notice, especially since no one loves me and wants to get me naked. However I am doubtless overconsuming sugar. I think that covers my problems with things that "work" to get my body to do the things that it must for me to function. I will overindulge in almost anything that is functional in keeping me feeling alive. Milk, tobacco, benedryl, sugary treats. None of this stuff is "good" for me but it gets the job done of making me FEEL like I'm surviving. Anyway the point is that this is a fledgeling dependency on tobacco, one that can't endure simply because my pocketbook can't take buying tobacco once a week. Even at 5 bucks a hit that's too much. So further cutbacks will be done. These include substituting more healthy varieties (traditional pipe smoking), as well as going at least 3 days a week without smoking. Oh and no smoking due to stressors. Stress related consumption is the cornerstone of addiction.
I threw myself into the smoker filled environment I worked in, into another stressful weekend, the one rule? No smoke. Why? because I wanted one. Three days ago I wanted to smoke. Incidentally I'm smoking right now.
Upon realizing that I had a craving, and realizing I had smoked every day for two weeks, I determined that I was dangerously near the line of "Addicted." I entered smoking with the express intention of not being addicted. I hate the term addicted. Obsessed? That's ok, obsession and madness go hand in hand, and we've already determined I'm slightly mad. But addiction... it's just wrong. people look down on it. Bad connotations. However I have similar... problems... with sugar. Simple sugar, nothing illegal about it. However I consume more sugar than anyone should, more sugar and more fat. My body is starting to reflect that. Not so much that you would generally notice, especially since no one loves me and wants to get me naked. However I am doubtless overconsuming sugar. I think that covers my problems with things that "work" to get my body to do the things that it must for me to function. I will overindulge in almost anything that is functional in keeping me feeling alive. Milk, tobacco, benedryl, sugary treats. None of this stuff is "good" for me but it gets the job done of making me FEEL like I'm surviving. Anyway the point is that this is a fledgeling dependency on tobacco, one that can't endure simply because my pocketbook can't take buying tobacco once a week. Even at 5 bucks a hit that's too much. So further cutbacks will be done. These include substituting more healthy varieties (traditional pipe smoking), as well as going at least 3 days a week without smoking. Oh and no smoking due to stressors. Stress related consumption is the cornerstone of addiction.
Friday, December 30, 2011
high standards
So there went another one not working out.
Every day it becomes more and more certain she's not coming back.... not that I'm shocked. Once more I'm reminded that maybe I should raise my standards. Not that they aren't high already, they just could be higher. This last one fit most of the standards I had set. She was Smart, Pretty and Sweet. Or so she appeared anyway.
And apparently the decision center of my brain let me break two BIIIIG rules because of that. One, the sex rules. It's supposed to be 6 months until sex, not one week. Also, no gifts..... really ever but not until we get some commitment out of the girl. But instead I bought her.... 70 bucks worth of stuff for christmas.... tack on a 100 dollar meal. Yes, you heard me right. This is the highest investment per one beautious sexual encounter since that beautiful post summer experience. I still vote the summer experience was the most enduring beauty.
The thing about where my life is now is the beauty is ALL that matters..... oh but she was a pretty one. The most beautiful woman I've dated. Bar none. Better go save a picture....
So I now have pictures of women numbers
1 (who is one year younger than me)
2 (same age as 1)
(missing number three... she wasn't remarkable and I suppose I don't NEED to remember) (same as 2)
(missing number four... one night... not remarkable in the least.... I don't know her name let alone need a picture. Granted I'll probably find it sooner or later.)
Alright I think I'm missing one, because I have picks of what I thought was mystic number 6 but now I suspect is number 5. I'm going to ask Nikki.... we'll find out later
anyway obviously just got picks of number six... whom I thought was 7......... geez.
Oh on that note she was also the oldest, 7 year age gap. Where the previous one was a mere 4 year gap..... Maybe that's the problem. My mom gave me a long lecture about how I'm too good for all this. She's right of course.
She seemed smart.... thought she might have accepted me.... but we'll never know now.
Anyway I wasn't thinking of it in those terms when it happened. I was thinking "here's a pretty girl who appears to care for me, and I'm starting to feel something. Grab that damn thing before she slips away."
So I broke the rules. And got too close too fast, and blew it right out of the water.
I've been listening to the soundtrack of My Fair Lady, and many of the songs are quite apt for my situation. "Why Can't a woman be more like a man" is probably my favorite, if it isn't then "Let a woman in your life" is it.
Aha, found her.... and I don't have any pictures of her on this computer. But yes, I found six, which means I am on 7.
Every day it becomes more and more certain she's not coming back.... not that I'm shocked. Once more I'm reminded that maybe I should raise my standards. Not that they aren't high already, they just could be higher. This last one fit most of the standards I had set. She was Smart, Pretty and Sweet. Or so she appeared anyway.
And apparently the decision center of my brain let me break two BIIIIG rules because of that. One, the sex rules. It's supposed to be 6 months until sex, not one week. Also, no gifts..... really ever but not until we get some commitment out of the girl. But instead I bought her.... 70 bucks worth of stuff for christmas.... tack on a 100 dollar meal. Yes, you heard me right. This is the highest investment per one beautious sexual encounter since that beautiful post summer experience. I still vote the summer experience was the most enduring beauty.
The thing about where my life is now is the beauty is ALL that matters..... oh but she was a pretty one. The most beautiful woman I've dated. Bar none. Better go save a picture....
So I now have pictures of women numbers
1 (who is one year younger than me)
2 (same age as 1)
(missing number three... she wasn't remarkable and I suppose I don't NEED to remember) (same as 2)
(missing number four... one night... not remarkable in the least.... I don't know her name let alone need a picture. Granted I'll probably find it sooner or later.)
Alright I think I'm missing one, because I have picks of what I thought was mystic number 6 but now I suspect is number 5. I'm going to ask Nikki.... we'll find out later
anyway obviously just got picks of number six... whom I thought was 7......... geez.
Oh on that note she was also the oldest, 7 year age gap. Where the previous one was a mere 4 year gap..... Maybe that's the problem. My mom gave me a long lecture about how I'm too good for all this. She's right of course.
She seemed smart.... thought she might have accepted me.... but we'll never know now.
Anyway I wasn't thinking of it in those terms when it happened. I was thinking "here's a pretty girl who appears to care for me, and I'm starting to feel something. Grab that damn thing before she slips away."
So I broke the rules. And got too close too fast, and blew it right out of the water.
I've been listening to the soundtrack of My Fair Lady, and many of the songs are quite apt for my situation. "Why Can't a woman be more like a man" is probably my favorite, if it isn't then "Let a woman in your life" is it.
Aha, found her.... and I don't have any pictures of her on this computer. But yes, I found six, which means I am on 7.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Early musings on Passion
I better type fast, my memory is failing way too fast, and I've been musing on this topic for a few hours.
It seems to me that most men have two characters within them, possibly more, but when it comes to morality there are only two, the saint and the pirate. The saint is responsible for doing everything that is right but at the same time being selfless. the rewards of sainthood is merely rightousness for it's own sake, he may end up suffering for his purity and no one will defend his honor when he is. So says the world anyway and who am I to argue? As I was saying there are many flaws to being a saint, one of them is martyrdom. Another major flaw that people overlook is that if you exibit one human flaw, be it smoking, sex, anger, greed or whatever else is considered "Wrong", your fall from grace will ruin you. Because you see saints aren't loved for who they are. They are loved because of what they are. Like a beautiful woman, and if that woman commits the cardnal sin of beauty, that being decay and aging, she is shunned and outcast.
The pirate, on the other hand, has no such worries. A pirate by definition does what he pleases when he pleases and when he does evil he smiles and laughs. On a rare occasion pirates have been displayed to have a fear or aversion to doing what is good. I don't believe that accounts for the personality of the rogueish man. Unless of course he is being that way to offset some shortcoming he should have no reason to be ashamed of doing what is right. He doesn't have to I suppose is my point. As virtue is not his defining characteristic his straying towards it doesn't hurt him. Sometimes it might even endear him to us.
So being a pirate carries considerable romance, at least to certain types of people, I am one of them. That isn't to say it's without it's problems. For instance the women attracted to that personality type or whom you can attain with that personality type are usually just in it for the sex. I suppose I should love that bit, but just because villainy dominates your very being does not mean you have no heart.
Something else troubling me is the idea of greatness. I believe behind every great man is a great woman. Though I am every bit accountable for my failure to achieve greatness (yet), the lack of a reliable woman to care for me. I suppose I feel I have always been destined for greatness. Perhaps my arrogance and ego is responsible for that. For one my general personality seems to me to resemble great men. I identify with Patton, FDR, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut...... I'm sure there are more. Not one a christian man or described as virtuous. I suppose that is one of the contributing failures of my rightous life. Frequently I have considered the death of my marriage the near mortal wounding of what sainthood I might have been capable of. I hold to account the parts of my personality that are responsible for my failures, in particular of my marriage and of me reaching another girl I once loved (saw her today and wished her a merry christmas strangely. It seemed to cause her discomfort.) The failures in my personality exist in the part in my heart that always wanted the woman I loved to be happy. I suppose I must have wanted everyone to be happy. And yet no one liked that side of me. So I had to find a cure for that, that cure has been an extreme amount of emotional pain. Not that the side is dead.... but we all have hopes.
I heard a message the other day about how what you put in your brain is what comes out. It was part of a sermon of course and I know they were talking about porn and "poor morals" or whatever they are calling people that would rather have fun than abandon fun for virtue. Anyway they were going on about the wages of sin being death. And I had a thought "Well about time." I don't think he could tell sinners anything to make them happier, at least if they are from the same camp as me. Sin leading to death couldn't be better news. Because you fall from virtue because the virtue can no longer counter act the pain you feel. So you turn to sin, and the sin won't save you either. So then you're just waiting to die... unless of course you have little enough morals that you take yourself out.
I don't know what they are after right now. How can you convert people by taking away the thing they are after the most when they are tired and weak? If I'm happy I'm sure as heck not going to convert. And if I'm miserable I'm waiting for them to say something that would undo the years of damage, or at least make me believe there would be less squandered pain in the future due to that perhaps christianity isn't about painful virtue. But they can't do that. They're approach to me is "But you'll love being pure, when you're pure all your pain will go away." And I say "BULL, if impurity caused pain then I wouldn't have been in pain to cause me to do things you label impure. That's like saying if you stop taking pain killers the pain will go away. Which is insane. If your leg is broken, nothing save healing time will make the pain go away.
------------------------
I suppose I also have issues with that no one loves me for me, it's almost always who I pose as. And not that I have a problem with the guy I pretend to be, he's a great guy..... but he isn't my fav person. I'm my fav. If I had my choice the me that is me would be out every day every week and he would never HAVE to go away. *sigh* I hate all this posturing about what a man is supposed to be. Fuck that.... I'm probably not even a fucking man anymore... not that I'm not masculine, I'm just nothing people expect.
It seems to me that most men have two characters within them, possibly more, but when it comes to morality there are only two, the saint and the pirate. The saint is responsible for doing everything that is right but at the same time being selfless. the rewards of sainthood is merely rightousness for it's own sake, he may end up suffering for his purity and no one will defend his honor when he is. So says the world anyway and who am I to argue? As I was saying there are many flaws to being a saint, one of them is martyrdom. Another major flaw that people overlook is that if you exibit one human flaw, be it smoking, sex, anger, greed or whatever else is considered "Wrong", your fall from grace will ruin you. Because you see saints aren't loved for who they are. They are loved because of what they are. Like a beautiful woman, and if that woman commits the cardnal sin of beauty, that being decay and aging, she is shunned and outcast.
The pirate, on the other hand, has no such worries. A pirate by definition does what he pleases when he pleases and when he does evil he smiles and laughs. On a rare occasion pirates have been displayed to have a fear or aversion to doing what is good. I don't believe that accounts for the personality of the rogueish man. Unless of course he is being that way to offset some shortcoming he should have no reason to be ashamed of doing what is right. He doesn't have to I suppose is my point. As virtue is not his defining characteristic his straying towards it doesn't hurt him. Sometimes it might even endear him to us.
So being a pirate carries considerable romance, at least to certain types of people, I am one of them. That isn't to say it's without it's problems. For instance the women attracted to that personality type or whom you can attain with that personality type are usually just in it for the sex. I suppose I should love that bit, but just because villainy dominates your very being does not mean you have no heart.
Something else troubling me is the idea of greatness. I believe behind every great man is a great woman. Though I am every bit accountable for my failure to achieve greatness (yet), the lack of a reliable woman to care for me. I suppose I feel I have always been destined for greatness. Perhaps my arrogance and ego is responsible for that. For one my general personality seems to me to resemble great men. I identify with Patton, FDR, Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut...... I'm sure there are more. Not one a christian man or described as virtuous. I suppose that is one of the contributing failures of my rightous life. Frequently I have considered the death of my marriage the near mortal wounding of what sainthood I might have been capable of. I hold to account the parts of my personality that are responsible for my failures, in particular of my marriage and of me reaching another girl I once loved (saw her today and wished her a merry christmas strangely. It seemed to cause her discomfort.) The failures in my personality exist in the part in my heart that always wanted the woman I loved to be happy. I suppose I must have wanted everyone to be happy. And yet no one liked that side of me. So I had to find a cure for that, that cure has been an extreme amount of emotional pain. Not that the side is dead.... but we all have hopes.
I heard a message the other day about how what you put in your brain is what comes out. It was part of a sermon of course and I know they were talking about porn and "poor morals" or whatever they are calling people that would rather have fun than abandon fun for virtue. Anyway they were going on about the wages of sin being death. And I had a thought "Well about time." I don't think he could tell sinners anything to make them happier, at least if they are from the same camp as me. Sin leading to death couldn't be better news. Because you fall from virtue because the virtue can no longer counter act the pain you feel. So you turn to sin, and the sin won't save you either. So then you're just waiting to die... unless of course you have little enough morals that you take yourself out.
I don't know what they are after right now. How can you convert people by taking away the thing they are after the most when they are tired and weak? If I'm happy I'm sure as heck not going to convert. And if I'm miserable I'm waiting for them to say something that would undo the years of damage, or at least make me believe there would be less squandered pain in the future due to that perhaps christianity isn't about painful virtue. But they can't do that. They're approach to me is "But you'll love being pure, when you're pure all your pain will go away." And I say "BULL, if impurity caused pain then I wouldn't have been in pain to cause me to do things you label impure. That's like saying if you stop taking pain killers the pain will go away. Which is insane. If your leg is broken, nothing save healing time will make the pain go away.
------------------------
I suppose I also have issues with that no one loves me for me, it's almost always who I pose as. And not that I have a problem with the guy I pretend to be, he's a great guy..... but he isn't my fav person. I'm my fav. If I had my choice the me that is me would be out every day every week and he would never HAVE to go away. *sigh* I hate all this posturing about what a man is supposed to be. Fuck that.... I'm probably not even a fucking man anymore... not that I'm not masculine, I'm just nothing people expect.
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's me.....
So I'm going to say something notable, because you may have never seen me say such a thing, and may never again if I get the chance.
I'm the problem.
For as many times as I have acted as if the world is the problem for not being a more pliable place in reaction to my personality, today I have to admit I am more the problem.
As I said I met a girl.............. And it was wonderful, and now it's quiet again.
Not to say quiet isn't great in it's own way. Lots of time to get things done.... if I could just get her off my mind.
Yes I'm in some way falling for her.... in others I'm just in my own stupid little world. I long for the love and acceptance that JUST DOESN'T EXIST in this world.
I want devotion, like this:
<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5JVhbusBDi4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
But what I end up with is this:
<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/V2zcoHZVUwg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I don't know why my brain takes so long to deal with this.....
I hate this happening at the holidays.... which is why I wasn't dating around the holidays.... being infatuated with a woman is a complicated situation.
I wish I could type more.... try to work out these feelings... I doubt I would find success for one. Two I feel likely to rant... and I don't want to rant against her. Because anger isn't what I feel. If anything this empty feeling is proof I care. I read somewhere that fear of loss is a sign of attachment, perhaps of love.
I hate that I'm the type of person who can type that a week after meeting someone. I would love to be slow to love.
My uncle died yesterday morning. He sat down at the contruction site he was working at and died of a heart attack...... He was 62.... 2 years older than my dad is now. The same age my dad's dad was when he passed. I'm not happy about this pattern. I am not ready to lose dad, not in two years not even in 10..... fuck I don't really ever want him to die but if he has to I want to be over 45 which would put him in his 80s........ On the other hand though.... it reminds me of my own mortality. 62 is young to me.... maybe because Dad is there now and still so young at heart. If I only had to live to 62 it wouldn't be such a terrible thing.... only 40 more years as opposed to 60. My uncle abused his body though..... he was a heavy smoker and drinker. And no one loved him or misses him, not even his children. Once maybe he had the chance but he wasted it. He ran away. Like his dad........ I'm not proud of this family history but it is a fact. I'm trying to start a dynasty of respectable men..... and it could be my heritage is getting in the way. I went over my family history and not one man until my dad was a decent individual. Not to say they did drugs or were poor, solidly working class all the way back. But as far as their choices towards women..... not exactly made because of wisdom is what I would say. It's as if my very flesh rises against me, and not in the traditional way (though that too at times), but from a genetics standpoint. I don't like the idea this could be a genetic trait. Because there is no behavioural or nurture trait to explain why I have made the mistakes I have...... I mean aside from that for various reasons in my childhood I did not feel it was right to follow my father's round about path to success.... with women anyway. There must be something and the root could be genetic. Or because I have a passionate nature.... as is evident in my anger which I have worked against much of my life but has come up much more recently.
Anyway.... exit on a song. I worry about things and frequently think about the future. This song seems appropriate:
<iframe width="853" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/96rC4X_KWl4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I'm the problem.
For as many times as I have acted as if the world is the problem for not being a more pliable place in reaction to my personality, today I have to admit I am more the problem.
As I said I met a girl.............. And it was wonderful, and now it's quiet again.
Not to say quiet isn't great in it's own way. Lots of time to get things done.... if I could just get her off my mind.
Yes I'm in some way falling for her.... in others I'm just in my own stupid little world. I long for the love and acceptance that JUST DOESN'T EXIST in this world.
I want devotion, like this:
<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5JVhbusBDi4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
But what I end up with is this:
<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/V2zcoHZVUwg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I don't know why my brain takes so long to deal with this.....
I hate this happening at the holidays.... which is why I wasn't dating around the holidays.... being infatuated with a woman is a complicated situation.
I wish I could type more.... try to work out these feelings... I doubt I would find success for one. Two I feel likely to rant... and I don't want to rant against her. Because anger isn't what I feel. If anything this empty feeling is proof I care. I read somewhere that fear of loss is a sign of attachment, perhaps of love.
I hate that I'm the type of person who can type that a week after meeting someone. I would love to be slow to love.
My uncle died yesterday morning. He sat down at the contruction site he was working at and died of a heart attack...... He was 62.... 2 years older than my dad is now. The same age my dad's dad was when he passed. I'm not happy about this pattern. I am not ready to lose dad, not in two years not even in 10..... fuck I don't really ever want him to die but if he has to I want to be over 45 which would put him in his 80s........ On the other hand though.... it reminds me of my own mortality. 62 is young to me.... maybe because Dad is there now and still so young at heart. If I only had to live to 62 it wouldn't be such a terrible thing.... only 40 more years as opposed to 60. My uncle abused his body though..... he was a heavy smoker and drinker. And no one loved him or misses him, not even his children. Once maybe he had the chance but he wasted it. He ran away. Like his dad........ I'm not proud of this family history but it is a fact. I'm trying to start a dynasty of respectable men..... and it could be my heritage is getting in the way. I went over my family history and not one man until my dad was a decent individual. Not to say they did drugs or were poor, solidly working class all the way back. But as far as their choices towards women..... not exactly made because of wisdom is what I would say. It's as if my very flesh rises against me, and not in the traditional way (though that too at times), but from a genetics standpoint. I don't like the idea this could be a genetic trait. Because there is no behavioural or nurture trait to explain why I have made the mistakes I have...... I mean aside from that for various reasons in my childhood I did not feel it was right to follow my father's round about path to success.... with women anyway. There must be something and the root could be genetic. Or because I have a passionate nature.... as is evident in my anger which I have worked against much of my life but has come up much more recently.
Anyway.... exit on a song. I worry about things and frequently think about the future. This song seems appropriate:
<iframe width="853" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/96rC4X_KWl4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Saturday, December 17, 2011
oh my
I know.... cheesy title, but it's descriptive.
I just can't describe the polar shift from cynic to hopeful in the past 48 hours. It's great. It just feels like the end of the tour right now..... as far as the single life goes. I hope it is.
"At the end of the tour
when the road dissappears
if there's anymore people around
when the tour runs aground
and if you're still around
then we'll meet at the end of the tour
The engagements are booked through the end of the world so we'll meet at the end of the tour."
That song, by they might be giants, was released the year I was born, it carries so much weight as to my feelings about single life. Like single life is a meandering search, from meaningless venue to meaningless venue, entertaining and putting on a show. And all we want is for the road to dissappear, for the tour to run aground as they so eloquently put it. We want to go home to the arms of someone to love us. I think that's where I'm going, I hope. You know me to be a rational man, or at least I hope that comes across. I'm worried I might try to change, I don't want to, but I do want her.... in more ways than you know.
We kissed.... last night at this time we kissed our first kiss..... it was so wonderful.
She let me hold her so fast.... she needed me, and I guess I needed her.
Two travelers wandering through time
searching, tumbling stumbling blindly
like a drunk in the dark, searching for a light switch
That ever elusive switch
so close but yet so far
to provide an end to the darkness and confusion
but it has until presently remained elusive
Aha, the switch is mine, they both say at once
and suddenly, the light that has been so absent is suddenly abundant.
The glass that had been empty is full
and the confusion that had been blinding is gone
Gone are the lost hours of anger and pain. Gone are all the doubts in humanity, in hope, in God even.
Suddenly anything is possible, and even if it wasn't
Life has become so wondrous that it seems the world is full of magic
the eyes that before saw only darkness
can now see the beauty that life holds
Now two travelers join hands
and travel together
There may be darkness ahead, there may be confusion again
but one thing is sure, they will never be alone.
She does things to me, good things....... I feel like a teenager sometimes.
I just can't describe the polar shift from cynic to hopeful in the past 48 hours. It's great. It just feels like the end of the tour right now..... as far as the single life goes. I hope it is.
"At the end of the tour
when the road dissappears
if there's anymore people around
when the tour runs aground
and if you're still around
then we'll meet at the end of the tour
The engagements are booked through the end of the world so we'll meet at the end of the tour."
That song, by they might be giants, was released the year I was born, it carries so much weight as to my feelings about single life. Like single life is a meandering search, from meaningless venue to meaningless venue, entertaining and putting on a show. And all we want is for the road to dissappear, for the tour to run aground as they so eloquently put it. We want to go home to the arms of someone to love us. I think that's where I'm going, I hope. You know me to be a rational man, or at least I hope that comes across. I'm worried I might try to change, I don't want to, but I do want her.... in more ways than you know.
We kissed.... last night at this time we kissed our first kiss..... it was so wonderful.
She let me hold her so fast.... she needed me, and I guess I needed her.
Two travelers wandering through time
searching, tumbling stumbling blindly
like a drunk in the dark, searching for a light switch
That ever elusive switch
so close but yet so far
to provide an end to the darkness and confusion
but it has until presently remained elusive
Aha, the switch is mine, they both say at once
and suddenly, the light that has been so absent is suddenly abundant.
The glass that had been empty is full
and the confusion that had been blinding is gone
Gone are the lost hours of anger and pain. Gone are all the doubts in humanity, in hope, in God even.
Suddenly anything is possible, and even if it wasn't
Life has become so wondrous that it seems the world is full of magic
the eyes that before saw only darkness
can now see the beauty that life holds
Now two travelers join hands
and travel together
There may be darkness ahead, there may be confusion again
but one thing is sure, they will never be alone.
She does things to me, good things....... I feel like a teenager sometimes.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
masculinity, the male ego, and it;s effects
So I rarely say wonderful happy things. At least not on here, this is a traditional venting mechanism, as there is no one in my life that can possibly listen to all I have to say.
This is my last smoke of the semester. a semiofficial end to a time in my life.......
I mean of course of this kind of fake.... I'm not going to get into fake but it was introduced to me by a young lady who claimed to love me. This happened twice in the last six months. This is a triumph in a number of ways.
that I can evoke this kind of feeling
Damn that I'm that good to ensnare two women who feel enough to fake a major moving emotion
One or two beautiful nights. I'm just now rediscovering the night at the lake. God I wanted her. And got her..... what a high. You know if I become single in the long term sense, a confirmed old bachelor per se. Then I would take up searching for such short term joy for the rest of my life, perhaps how to turn it into the long term happiness that I so long for. A modern day cassanova if I can, intellectual and passionate.
So speaking of I'm realizing more and more the male ego is based on masculinity. Yes I am actually masculine, moreso all the time. It's addictive in it's own way, I pity men who lose it. Though the feminine is beautiful at times, even mysterious at it's best.... it's not addictive to me in any way. I was born to conquer. paraphrase from battlefield earth: "I was born to be out there conquering galaxies not playing baby sitter to this MINING COLONY"
Men desire to dominate, conquer and control their world. I suppose all humans do, but men do it SO DAMN BLATANTLY. Intellectuals do it by understanding everything in their universe. muscle men do it by being strong enough to lift things, pushing the limits of their body and using that body to control their universe. Everyone does it. But fashion.... it does it with fabric... let's ignore the bizarre horror story of the past 50 years in men's fashion, at least all others than high fashion.
The tie, the root of all men's high fashion for the past 300 YEARS, came from the military. These mercinaries used early cravats to hold their suits closed. Then the french took it up, it developed into the necktie and bowtie. It came from the MILITARY, like most men's fashion. You don't get more fucking manly than going in and roughing a country up. I'm going to learn to wear a bowtie. And a tux. Someday I want a suit with tails in purple.
The jacket's sharp lines say "Look at me, I'm in control"
before we continue about the masculinity of fashion
lets look at the masculinity of smoking. Men have spent so much time on the fashion of smoking that the past 20 years turning away from smoking in my mind is a crime against ART. To begin with smoking is a tradition dating back to the beginning of time. To the cradle of civilization in the middle east, where all smoking started with the hookah. What is that attached to in our minds? Rich Sultans, the most in control men in their world. I want to study how on earth society stayed so old in such old countries. Civilization STARTED in egypt. Yet the most culturally developed country in the world is either france or england, neither because fully civilized until 5000+ years later. and they didn't stay civilized until later. Anyway smoking represents mysticism, conquering natures forces, both chemical and real, such as fire. Every form of smoking has had it's romance period..... however when men have tried to use tobacco other ways (chewing tobacco) it didn't do so well. There's no romance in chewing, though it is much harder in my humble opinion.
Fashion and smoking go side by side. Every look has it's appropriate smoke, all the good ones anyway. The great suits have a cigar or cigarette to go with them. Mostly cigars and rich men go hand in hand. pipes and the cultured man go hand in hand. cigarettes and the american cowboy. Weed and college kids.
This is my last smoke of the semester. a semiofficial end to a time in my life.......
I mean of course of this kind of fake.... I'm not going to get into fake but it was introduced to me by a young lady who claimed to love me. This happened twice in the last six months. This is a triumph in a number of ways.
that I can evoke this kind of feeling
Damn that I'm that good to ensnare two women who feel enough to fake a major moving emotion
One or two beautiful nights. I'm just now rediscovering the night at the lake. God I wanted her. And got her..... what a high. You know if I become single in the long term sense, a confirmed old bachelor per se. Then I would take up searching for such short term joy for the rest of my life, perhaps how to turn it into the long term happiness that I so long for. A modern day cassanova if I can, intellectual and passionate.
So speaking of I'm realizing more and more the male ego is based on masculinity. Yes I am actually masculine, moreso all the time. It's addictive in it's own way, I pity men who lose it. Though the feminine is beautiful at times, even mysterious at it's best.... it's not addictive to me in any way. I was born to conquer. paraphrase from battlefield earth: "I was born to be out there conquering galaxies not playing baby sitter to this MINING COLONY"
Men desire to dominate, conquer and control their world. I suppose all humans do, but men do it SO DAMN BLATANTLY. Intellectuals do it by understanding everything in their universe. muscle men do it by being strong enough to lift things, pushing the limits of their body and using that body to control their universe. Everyone does it. But fashion.... it does it with fabric... let's ignore the bizarre horror story of the past 50 years in men's fashion, at least all others than high fashion.
The tie, the root of all men's high fashion for the past 300 YEARS, came from the military. These mercinaries used early cravats to hold their suits closed. Then the french took it up, it developed into the necktie and bowtie. It came from the MILITARY, like most men's fashion. You don't get more fucking manly than going in and roughing a country up. I'm going to learn to wear a bowtie. And a tux. Someday I want a suit with tails in purple.
The jacket's sharp lines say "Look at me, I'm in control"
before we continue about the masculinity of fashion
lets look at the masculinity of smoking. Men have spent so much time on the fashion of smoking that the past 20 years turning away from smoking in my mind is a crime against ART. To begin with smoking is a tradition dating back to the beginning of time. To the cradle of civilization in the middle east, where all smoking started with the hookah. What is that attached to in our minds? Rich Sultans, the most in control men in their world. I want to study how on earth society stayed so old in such old countries. Civilization STARTED in egypt. Yet the most culturally developed country in the world is either france or england, neither because fully civilized until 5000+ years later. and they didn't stay civilized until later. Anyway smoking represents mysticism, conquering natures forces, both chemical and real, such as fire. Every form of smoking has had it's romance period..... however when men have tried to use tobacco other ways (chewing tobacco) it didn't do so well. There's no romance in chewing, though it is much harder in my humble opinion.
Fashion and smoking go side by side. Every look has it's appropriate smoke, all the good ones anyway. The great suits have a cigar or cigarette to go with them. Mostly cigars and rich men go hand in hand. pipes and the cultured man go hand in hand. cigarettes and the american cowboy. Weed and college kids.
Monday, December 12, 2011
political rant
I'm posting this here because most of the people around me would have issues with my political ranting. They hate when I'm right is my theory. It's not easy being a liberal in the middle of a conservative state.
also I need to pump out my anger before trying to write a decent personal ad.
So I don't understand this country, I'll start out on that.
Somehow people think obama is going to lose this election. Let's look at the competition because I'm really trying to figure out how we could live in a sane world that would elect any of these loons:
Newt Gingritch: This is a man that independents and liberals have hated for two decades, and somehow he thinks he is going to get the independent vote. Yes he is smart, he's also a serial devorced republican wackjob who thinks being poor is what happens when you can't get a book deal, geez why can't everyone just cash in on being the speaker of the house like he has? He's a favorite among family values voters, because after all who believes in the sanctity of marriage than the guy that has done it four times? He's got 4 times the marriage belief and affairs of any candidate out there. Probably the reason Cain dropped out when his affairs started coming out is that he didn't want to get into a "Who's the bigger affair haver" contest with Newt. Because we all know Newt would win that contest.
Mitt Romney: He's an amusing candidate, because we all sense that deep down he has a brain. That brain hasn't figured out flip flopping more than John Kerry isn't going to be good for him. He makes Newt look steady, which is an accomplishment. If he had run as what we thought he was up until he started campaigning, a moderate, he would be able to take on obama. However like McCain before him, he has tried to absorb conservative issues and we all now hate him.
Bachman: She's crazy. She said the poor should stop taking hand outs and start dying. No wonder conservatives like her, if the poor were just dead then they could pave over the slums and put in that swimming pool they've been longing for. She is what would happen to Sarah Palin if she was drained of whatever folksy charm she has, and put in some more viscous rabid dog.
Ron Paul: Possibly the only interesting candidate, but he's not going to be elected. We've known he was nuts since the 2000 election. That's just where he belongs. God willing he will run as an independent to assure the republican loss in 2012
Now to round up the republican nuts off I want to adress the issue of a term the republicans seem to enjoy: "Millionaire job creators"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/10/small-business-owners-gop-tax-rates_n_1140467.html
look, many smarter people than I have proven pretty conclusively, millionaire job creators are a rather silly concept. Demand creates jobs, market pressures create jobs. Millionaires, if they did in fact create jobs, do it because there is demand for that job to be done. If millionaires create jobs, then why did we get into this recession? Think about when this recession started we has just gotten done with more than 7 years of policy favorable to millionaires. So where are the jobs? Or where were they then? Did the millionaires get scared because Bush was unpopular and likely to leave an environment where a black democrat could win the presidency? I doubt it, especially considering that if this recession had not occured we would probably be looking at a McCain presidency. Just the facts there for you.
Oh it looks like I forgot about Rick Perry, well so has america.
also I need to pump out my anger before trying to write a decent personal ad.
So I don't understand this country, I'll start out on that.
Somehow people think obama is going to lose this election. Let's look at the competition because I'm really trying to figure out how we could live in a sane world that would elect any of these loons:
Newt Gingritch: This is a man that independents and liberals have hated for two decades, and somehow he thinks he is going to get the independent vote. Yes he is smart, he's also a serial devorced republican wackjob who thinks being poor is what happens when you can't get a book deal, geez why can't everyone just cash in on being the speaker of the house like he has? He's a favorite among family values voters, because after all who believes in the sanctity of marriage than the guy that has done it four times? He's got 4 times the marriage belief and affairs of any candidate out there. Probably the reason Cain dropped out when his affairs started coming out is that he didn't want to get into a "Who's the bigger affair haver" contest with Newt. Because we all know Newt would win that contest.
Mitt Romney: He's an amusing candidate, because we all sense that deep down he has a brain. That brain hasn't figured out flip flopping more than John Kerry isn't going to be good for him. He makes Newt look steady, which is an accomplishment. If he had run as what we thought he was up until he started campaigning, a moderate, he would be able to take on obama. However like McCain before him, he has tried to absorb conservative issues and we all now hate him.
Bachman: She's crazy. She said the poor should stop taking hand outs and start dying. No wonder conservatives like her, if the poor were just dead then they could pave over the slums and put in that swimming pool they've been longing for. She is what would happen to Sarah Palin if she was drained of whatever folksy charm she has, and put in some more viscous rabid dog.
Ron Paul: Possibly the only interesting candidate, but he's not going to be elected. We've known he was nuts since the 2000 election. That's just where he belongs. God willing he will run as an independent to assure the republican loss in 2012
Now to round up the republican nuts off I want to adress the issue of a term the republicans seem to enjoy: "Millionaire job creators"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/10/small-business-owners-gop-tax-rates_n_1140467.html
look, many smarter people than I have proven pretty conclusively, millionaire job creators are a rather silly concept. Demand creates jobs, market pressures create jobs. Millionaires, if they did in fact create jobs, do it because there is demand for that job to be done. If millionaires create jobs, then why did we get into this recession? Think about when this recession started we has just gotten done with more than 7 years of policy favorable to millionaires. So where are the jobs? Or where were they then? Did the millionaires get scared because Bush was unpopular and likely to leave an environment where a black democrat could win the presidency? I doubt it, especially considering that if this recession had not occured we would probably be looking at a McCain presidency. Just the facts there for you.
Oh it looks like I forgot about Rick Perry, well so has america.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
working up to it......
So this has been something I have been dwelling on lately, and considering there is no one for me to tell things to remember, and I do want to remember, I better write it all down.
I cry, not alot, but more than I would like. I guess it comes down to that I'm still very tenderhearted, dispite my attempts to beat it out of me. I think I always looked up to guys like the Fonz, or... tough guys I guess, Huey Long recently, FDR, heck even bad guys at times like Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin, heck I even probably have a spot in my heart for good old Castro. I like them because you look at them and you have to think, regardless of politics, that they knew who they were, these are all men that without a doubt never cried. I've hated my crying for over 10 years, because I've never found a situation it makes even a little better. My sadness drove away my wife, who would never hold me when I was sad, when all I wanted was for her to hold me. And I don't doubt it's part of why I'm unloved.
I keep thinking if only. Not the if only's of the past, those are gone. The if only's of what might be, if only I had the balls. I think what I really want is to do something truly monstrously villainous. It's like if I could just do something completely evil and not in any way justified by nobility, or kindness, or fairness, then maybe I wouldn't cry anymore. I just keep trying to kill this stupid sensitive man who obviously still lives in my heart. But I don't think I ever will.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I admire and wish to be a man who could do harm to women. Not like rape harm, there should be some lines never crossed. But like the emotional abuse that lives on in legends of horrible car wrecklike things men do to women. Things that make that woman never able to be with a man for the rest of her life. Why do I want that? I mean aside from the true evil bit. It's because on some level I feel like some women have it coming. And my bitterness would be amused to see them get what they have coming. I think my ultimate fantasy is that one day my ex wife's new hubby will find out that she's cheated, and he beats her within an inch of her life and she has to drop everything and run, and for there to be no one there to catch her or save her, she would have to run and deal with the rightous anger of a man scorned. It would be so beautiful, beautiful JUSTICE. Because that's usually how I deal with that I'm not a vindictive enough man to do the harm to people that they deserve, knowing that one day they will do what they did to me, but to someone who doesn't forgive, and that person will do some damage. Which comes back around to why I'm upset about my wife being fine and happy. Because where is the justice? She came out of the divorce unscathed, I don't think she cried a single day over me. She brushed me off like a bad dream.
I cry, not alot, but more than I would like. I guess it comes down to that I'm still very tenderhearted, dispite my attempts to beat it out of me. I think I always looked up to guys like the Fonz, or... tough guys I guess, Huey Long recently, FDR, heck even bad guys at times like Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin, heck I even probably have a spot in my heart for good old Castro. I like them because you look at them and you have to think, regardless of politics, that they knew who they were, these are all men that without a doubt never cried. I've hated my crying for over 10 years, because I've never found a situation it makes even a little better. My sadness drove away my wife, who would never hold me when I was sad, when all I wanted was for her to hold me. And I don't doubt it's part of why I'm unloved.
I keep thinking if only. Not the if only's of the past, those are gone. The if only's of what might be, if only I had the balls. I think what I really want is to do something truly monstrously villainous. It's like if I could just do something completely evil and not in any way justified by nobility, or kindness, or fairness, then maybe I wouldn't cry anymore. I just keep trying to kill this stupid sensitive man who obviously still lives in my heart. But I don't think I ever will.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I admire and wish to be a man who could do harm to women. Not like rape harm, there should be some lines never crossed. But like the emotional abuse that lives on in legends of horrible car wrecklike things men do to women. Things that make that woman never able to be with a man for the rest of her life. Why do I want that? I mean aside from the true evil bit. It's because on some level I feel like some women have it coming. And my bitterness would be amused to see them get what they have coming. I think my ultimate fantasy is that one day my ex wife's new hubby will find out that she's cheated, and he beats her within an inch of her life and she has to drop everything and run, and for there to be no one there to catch her or save her, she would have to run and deal with the rightous anger of a man scorned. It would be so beautiful, beautiful JUSTICE. Because that's usually how I deal with that I'm not a vindictive enough man to do the harm to people that they deserve, knowing that one day they will do what they did to me, but to someone who doesn't forgive, and that person will do some damage. Which comes back around to why I'm upset about my wife being fine and happy. Because where is the justice? She came out of the divorce unscathed, I don't think she cried a single day over me. She brushed me off like a bad dream.
Friday, December 9, 2011
What I'm not
Sometimes I think perhaps women's problem with me is that they think I'm gay. So I've started this list.
Even though:
I am literate, intelligent and well dressed
I like musical theater,
I do not enjoy monster trucks, or strip clubs
I am open about my sexuality,
I have feelings,
I have enough control over my penis to not have sex with the fat women who throw themselves at me,
I have no desire to date an obese woman,
Bimbos hold no attraction for me,
I have never played a sport that involves smacking another guys butt (Soccer and Football),
I don't follow professional sports,
I am a liberal, which in addition to meaning I support the gay community, is also a reason I'm not a christian according to the majority of "christians" in my state.
I don't believe homosexuality is a sin,
I am capable of listening to women,
I find the women available on the dating market remarkably disappointing,
Dispite all these things and more which might indicate that I lean towards homosexuality.
1. I have never had an encounter with the same sex, never so much as kissed or held hands suspiciously with a man.
2. I desire a woman for a life partner, which is rather shocking because as I said women are rather disappointing. I think I should go into this further. I grew up with a caring mother and father, very accepting and supportive, and they still are to this day. This might seem like it would give me a head start in the realm of having a healthy relationship. However because of one decision my parents made when I was far too young to think about the consequences to my romantic life I live in a region that seems to be devoid of intelligent, attractive women who are attracted to me. This is not to say women don't like me, on the whole most do. It has more to do with the great rule in my life: Many people like me, I'm not thrilled with most of them. Yes this is a horribly arrogant thing to say. But face facts, just because I'm nice to you, would stop and help you push your car if you are stuck, will go out of my way to be kind to you, and may appear to like you, I don't. I love you as christ commanded me to love my neighbor. But as you may or may not be aware you are required to love your neighbor, not like them. Being kind is what love is about. And I might add in my part of the country we are pretty much expected to be courteous. But doing the right thing doesn't make me like people, often it contributes to my utter disdain for them. When I meet a woman, lets say, and I shower her with my affections, am faithful to her for years on end, marry her, buy a house for her, buy her everything I can afford to show her I care, work myself so hard I suffer a nervious breakdown, and her response is to cheat on me, blame me for that cheating and marry another man.... which incidentally is against the moral code we both claim to follow.... it doesn't exactly raise my opinion of the species.
When a woman that I find attractive responds to my advances by getting in a relationship with a man who is horrible, does inconsiderate things, and in general a worse pick than me (I'm not in a sugar coating mood here), it lowers my respect for the species. When people come in to where I work every day and act like they have a right to ignore their kids while they roam around making a mess of my workplace, they themselves make a mess of my workplace, and I do all this for minimum wage? That's not helping my opinion of humanity. Today I had the errant thought "if I keep working here and around other people's kids I'm not going to want kids, because having kids means you have to entertain their friends, and I hate other people's kids."
Anyway despite the many drawbacks that women have, I prefer women. Which generally means I'm not a homosexual. But if it makes you feel better, you can treat me like one, because on the whole I think that homosexuals are nicer, kinder, and overall better people. At least than christian women, but that's an entirely different rant.
Even though:
I am literate, intelligent and well dressed
I like musical theater,
I do not enjoy monster trucks, or strip clubs
I am open about my sexuality,
I have feelings,
I have enough control over my penis to not have sex with the fat women who throw themselves at me,
I have no desire to date an obese woman,
Bimbos hold no attraction for me,
I have never played a sport that involves smacking another guys butt (Soccer and Football),
I don't follow professional sports,
I am a liberal, which in addition to meaning I support the gay community, is also a reason I'm not a christian according to the majority of "christians" in my state.
I don't believe homosexuality is a sin,
I am capable of listening to women,
I find the women available on the dating market remarkably disappointing,
Dispite all these things and more which might indicate that I lean towards homosexuality.
1. I have never had an encounter with the same sex, never so much as kissed or held hands suspiciously with a man.
2. I desire a woman for a life partner, which is rather shocking because as I said women are rather disappointing. I think I should go into this further. I grew up with a caring mother and father, very accepting and supportive, and they still are to this day. This might seem like it would give me a head start in the realm of having a healthy relationship. However because of one decision my parents made when I was far too young to think about the consequences to my romantic life I live in a region that seems to be devoid of intelligent, attractive women who are attracted to me. This is not to say women don't like me, on the whole most do. It has more to do with the great rule in my life: Many people like me, I'm not thrilled with most of them. Yes this is a horribly arrogant thing to say. But face facts, just because I'm nice to you, would stop and help you push your car if you are stuck, will go out of my way to be kind to you, and may appear to like you, I don't. I love you as christ commanded me to love my neighbor. But as you may or may not be aware you are required to love your neighbor, not like them. Being kind is what love is about. And I might add in my part of the country we are pretty much expected to be courteous. But doing the right thing doesn't make me like people, often it contributes to my utter disdain for them. When I meet a woman, lets say, and I shower her with my affections, am faithful to her for years on end, marry her, buy a house for her, buy her everything I can afford to show her I care, work myself so hard I suffer a nervious breakdown, and her response is to cheat on me, blame me for that cheating and marry another man.... which incidentally is against the moral code we both claim to follow.... it doesn't exactly raise my opinion of the species.
When a woman that I find attractive responds to my advances by getting in a relationship with a man who is horrible, does inconsiderate things, and in general a worse pick than me (I'm not in a sugar coating mood here), it lowers my respect for the species. When people come in to where I work every day and act like they have a right to ignore their kids while they roam around making a mess of my workplace, they themselves make a mess of my workplace, and I do all this for minimum wage? That's not helping my opinion of humanity. Today I had the errant thought "if I keep working here and around other people's kids I'm not going to want kids, because having kids means you have to entertain their friends, and I hate other people's kids."
Anyway despite the many drawbacks that women have, I prefer women. Which generally means I'm not a homosexual. But if it makes you feel better, you can treat me like one, because on the whole I think that homosexuals are nicer, kinder, and overall better people. At least than christian women, but that's an entirely different rant.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
trying to explain
So, I suppose it's important to note that I've been talking about death quite a bit lately. By talking I suppose I mean thinking. Today on my way to school I thought about the end. I wanted it so bad..... but I had obligations to fufill. Always the slave to duty... like pirates of penzance.
Anyway I had set a date. A date for the most important day of my life, or second most, depending on how that matters to you. I want... wanted... I don't know, but I desired an end date. So I wouldn't have to think about the future. I hate the future. So much. If it had been up to me I'd be writing the note for when I reach that date. Because editing it would be really relaxing, knowing the date was coming.
The problem... is that the people who want me here aren't enough. They can never be enough to stop the pain.
there was supposed to be much more. In short I tried to explain to dad why I wanted to die because I wanted him to come to terms with it, and that flopped.
Anyway I had set a date. A date for the most important day of my life, or second most, depending on how that matters to you. I want... wanted... I don't know, but I desired an end date. So I wouldn't have to think about the future. I hate the future. So much. If it had been up to me I'd be writing the note for when I reach that date. Because editing it would be really relaxing, knowing the date was coming.
The problem... is that the people who want me here aren't enough. They can never be enough to stop the pain.
there was supposed to be much more. In short I tried to explain to dad why I wanted to die because I wanted him to come to terms with it, and that flopped.
wishing
You know, this isn't the way I wanted it. I went on a long rant last night about what's wrong, how upset I am about what God has done....... so much I'm upset about. There is so much I don't know how to forgive. If just once he could love me, pick me up and put my feet back on the ground....... but that's just me wishing again.
My libido is screwed all to hell right now. it's usually abnormally high... well when I'm alone and dealing with it myself. When I'm with someone else it could be anything, it could be sky high, it could be dead in the water. I've never had it be dead in the water when I'm alone. But last night it was. As I said last night I realized my body is looking for new drugs, and that is one thing I can't do for it. That's the one part of the addictive cycle I can stop. There will be no new drugs.
All I desire right now, maybe ever, is to be loved. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, and it so embodies what I want that I ache for it. It makes me not want to settle for less again (of course I don't have a problem with that). I want someone who I long for, someone I love. Not someone who will just "get the job done". I had that. And she didn't for the record, get the job done that is.
I want somebody who makes me feel......... shit like I see those two feel on this show. Like Melinda feels so obviously, and I suppose how Jim feels too. But I guess I set the bar too high. And I don't think I'll be around long enough to find her. I mean, if I could I would, but God would have to work. And aside from feelings he hasn't.
My libido is screwed all to hell right now. it's usually abnormally high... well when I'm alone and dealing with it myself. When I'm with someone else it could be anything, it could be sky high, it could be dead in the water. I've never had it be dead in the water when I'm alone. But last night it was. As I said last night I realized my body is looking for new drugs, and that is one thing I can't do for it. That's the one part of the addictive cycle I can stop. There will be no new drugs.
All I desire right now, maybe ever, is to be loved. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, and it so embodies what I want that I ache for it. It makes me not want to settle for less again (of course I don't have a problem with that). I want someone who I long for, someone I love. Not someone who will just "get the job done". I had that. And she didn't for the record, get the job done that is.
I want somebody who makes me feel......... shit like I see those two feel on this show. Like Melinda feels so obviously, and I suppose how Jim feels too. But I guess I set the bar too high. And I don't think I'll be around long enough to find her. I mean, if I could I would, but God would have to work. And aside from feelings he hasn't.
lemon water
It's not working. My libido that is. That drives me nuts you know? not getting aroused, nothing excites me. I feel like I'm dead. Worse. I know my body will only be happy if I pick up a new drug.... and I can't do that. Nothing soothes the pain I feel. I picked out a christmas tree... that part was fun. But when I put it up, trying to cope in my heart with christmas alone breaks me up........... *sigh* more work. Have to sleep.
It's like lemonade. Life gave me lemons in the curse of an overactive libido and that certain things give me pleasure. But when the lemonade loses it's sweetness it just turns to lemon water. gross and worthless to drink.
It's like lemonade. Life gave me lemons in the curse of an overactive libido and that certain things give me pleasure. But when the lemonade loses it's sweetness it just turns to lemon water. gross and worthless to drink.
Monday, December 5, 2011
My potential story
So one of the thing driving me nuts is my potential story, how the story of my life might go.
Path one:
After countless months of depression and finding out that his ex wife managed to live on, this man killed himself, to the chagrin of the women that scorned him and the sadness of his friends and family. He let the people that hated him win, and the people that loved him lost.
Path two.
This man finally got his answer to prayer, he has never been happier and has found new hope and meaning in life.
Path three
This man finally found a woman who loved him, he has never felt so loved.
Path four
This man is now homeless
Path five
This man has been kicked out of school and is scraping together a modest living at a call center
Path one:
After countless months of depression and finding out that his ex wife managed to live on, this man killed himself, to the chagrin of the women that scorned him and the sadness of his friends and family. He let the people that hated him win, and the people that loved him lost.
Path two.
This man finally got his answer to prayer, he has never been happier and has found new hope and meaning in life.
Path three
This man finally found a woman who loved him, he has never felt so loved.
Path four
This man is now homeless
Path five
This man has been kicked out of school and is scraping together a modest living at a call center
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
isn't that typical?
So my home internet is out. Looks like I'll be doing plenty of smoking and watching old shows when I'm home this week because I won't be online communicating with the outside world or anything.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
My ex wife, the bitch lives on
To make the title of this post less harsh I had to tone it down from "Fucking whore"
Ok, so I was trolling on her page as I am prone to do because thanks to her I'm to be alone for the rest of my life, and she gets to be a military wife. And I find out that she was in an accident. I presume a car accident because we all know the bitch can't drive. And I am ashamed, Yes ashamed to say my first thought was "Damn it, she's not dead, do I need to pray for that" (actually just thought of the prayer thing, yes I'm evil.)
So I started thinking maybe I'm still harboring some anger..... Gee ya THINK?!
and I started to feel bad, and maybe I should work on forgiveness. See? That's nice. I want to forgive the evil little harlot who stole my heart and ran off with another man.
So then she's going on about how this is the hardest thing she's ever gone through in her life. Which I kinda feel like "hey now you know how I feel." And she says that she got really upset when they had to take off her ring, and had to explain to the doctor "My husband is deployed right now, that's the only connection I have to him."
And that's where I lost it
I have news for you sister, as far as god and ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD PRIOR TO POST 20TH CENTURY DIVORCE WHORES LIKE YOU, your husband spends every night trying to keep the gun out of his mouth. what you SHOULD have told them is that you're a self serving harlot and that the man you're out making a new life with after you left a man who was nothing but good to you is serving duty in war because you couldn't talk the man you married into it. And so you left him and found someone on track to live the life you want to live. Great. I hope the next car kills you you selfish Bitch. and what goes around comes around? I'D BE HAPPIER STILL IF I WAS DEAD SO I DON"T HAVE TO SEE YOU LIVE. FUCK YOU.
Oh I might ad that I came back from my paying job that I had to take because she left me and my body doesn't work because I have to work for my living, I cant just go marry men with money, more's the pity. I wish I could just do whatever immoral thing I want and my family be behind me, but to top you I'd have to get someone to fall in love with me, then shoot them in the face with a shotgun at a wedding in front of 150 of their close friends. Oh and ride of into the sunset with another woman laughing all the way "I sure suckered them!"
Someday, if I'm lucky I can be as self centered and evil as my ex wife is. And maybe then God will see fit to kill me, because obviously he has no use for me but to torture with watching her antics while I slowly die.
Ok, so I was trolling on her page as I am prone to do because thanks to her I'm to be alone for the rest of my life, and she gets to be a military wife. And I find out that she was in an accident. I presume a car accident because we all know the bitch can't drive. And I am ashamed, Yes ashamed to say my first thought was "Damn it, she's not dead, do I need to pray for that" (actually just thought of the prayer thing, yes I'm evil.)
So I started thinking maybe I'm still harboring some anger..... Gee ya THINK?!
and I started to feel bad, and maybe I should work on forgiveness. See? That's nice. I want to forgive the evil little harlot who stole my heart and ran off with another man.
So then she's going on about how this is the hardest thing she's ever gone through in her life. Which I kinda feel like "hey now you know how I feel." And she says that she got really upset when they had to take off her ring, and had to explain to the doctor "My husband is deployed right now, that's the only connection I have to him."
And that's where I lost it
I have news for you sister, as far as god and ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD PRIOR TO POST 20TH CENTURY DIVORCE WHORES LIKE YOU, your husband spends every night trying to keep the gun out of his mouth. what you SHOULD have told them is that you're a self serving harlot and that the man you're out making a new life with after you left a man who was nothing but good to you is serving duty in war because you couldn't talk the man you married into it. And so you left him and found someone on track to live the life you want to live. Great. I hope the next car kills you you selfish Bitch. and what goes around comes around? I'D BE HAPPIER STILL IF I WAS DEAD SO I DON"T HAVE TO SEE YOU LIVE. FUCK YOU.
Oh I might ad that I came back from my paying job that I had to take because she left me and my body doesn't work because I have to work for my living, I cant just go marry men with money, more's the pity. I wish I could just do whatever immoral thing I want and my family be behind me, but to top you I'd have to get someone to fall in love with me, then shoot them in the face with a shotgun at a wedding in front of 150 of their close friends. Oh and ride of into the sunset with another woman laughing all the way "I sure suckered them!"
Someday, if I'm lucky I can be as self centered and evil as my ex wife is. And maybe then God will see fit to kill me, because obviously he has no use for me but to torture with watching her antics while I slowly die.
explain this to me
alright, this is something I want explained to me, and I'm fairly likely to post my arguement verbatim to the personal ads:
Explain this to me, how can you be fat, and proud, and in the majority? This is to my mind the first time I have ever been aware of this. Bbws, in this state and PARTICULARLY in this city make up the majority of single women and so every week I read the same ad OVER and OVER and OVER. Let me break down how this ad goes, or how it reads from a male perspective.
"Hi everybody I'm sweet, nice, and somehow I break with all the other women you've met in this city and have a brain and want to treat you better than them. I'm so great. No I'm not going to give details as to WHY. Just take my word for it. Oh by the way I'm FAT, you should like this because ALL of us are this way now so if you want to mate, get with the program. Oh and I don't want to sleep with anyone, because men are SO all over me...."
Explain to me how any man would ever say "oh yes, let me get some of that fat lying woman, that's the stuff for me."
Speaking for men, or for the smaller part speaking for men who have seen this market, we're looking for other breeding options. Medicine has advance to the point we can have kids without you so if you think that somehow being the only option out there is a working strategy, you are dead wrong.
Thats the only strategy I'm seeing these women use. Actually for the most part this is the face womankind is showing, and that's rather worrying. I see hundreds of women a day, which represents a fair portion of the population of this city. I will note that about 75 percent of the fat women are attached, which begs the question "Why?" However when we see the sort of men who end up doing this, we have to determine "oh he has brain damage or is obviously a dreg of society and the best he could do is her, God bless him for jumping on the grenade for us all."
Equally baffling is that in the rare case that I come across a really beautiful woman, she is with a twit. Today I saw a gorgious woman, and next to her was the biggest twit in the universe. I imagine if this.... I can't call him a man because he was an affront to all things manly, this male person, I imagine that if this male were to clean himself up he could be somewhat attractive. But in complete contrast to his lovely female companion he dressed in a sweat suit and a hat at a 45 degree angle from his head. The look just screamed "I'm a twit." And I must add, for the sake of those having trouble with this imagine it also screamed "and I netted a hottie, obviously female judgement is DEAD, haha intelligent males. The score is now twits 1 intellectuals 0."
So this is what you want female america. If you are attractive you want twits. Good luck having kids who can get past the second grade.
Explain this to me, how can you be fat, and proud, and in the majority? This is to my mind the first time I have ever been aware of this. Bbws, in this state and PARTICULARLY in this city make up the majority of single women and so every week I read the same ad OVER and OVER and OVER. Let me break down how this ad goes, or how it reads from a male perspective.
"Hi everybody I'm sweet, nice, and somehow I break with all the other women you've met in this city and have a brain and want to treat you better than them. I'm so great. No I'm not going to give details as to WHY. Just take my word for it. Oh by the way I'm FAT, you should like this because ALL of us are this way now so if you want to mate, get with the program. Oh and I don't want to sleep with anyone, because men are SO all over me...."
Explain to me how any man would ever say "oh yes, let me get some of that fat lying woman, that's the stuff for me."
Speaking for men, or for the smaller part speaking for men who have seen this market, we're looking for other breeding options. Medicine has advance to the point we can have kids without you so if you think that somehow being the only option out there is a working strategy, you are dead wrong.
Thats the only strategy I'm seeing these women use. Actually for the most part this is the face womankind is showing, and that's rather worrying. I see hundreds of women a day, which represents a fair portion of the population of this city. I will note that about 75 percent of the fat women are attached, which begs the question "Why?" However when we see the sort of men who end up doing this, we have to determine "oh he has brain damage or is obviously a dreg of society and the best he could do is her, God bless him for jumping on the grenade for us all."
Equally baffling is that in the rare case that I come across a really beautiful woman, she is with a twit. Today I saw a gorgious woman, and next to her was the biggest twit in the universe. I imagine if this.... I can't call him a man because he was an affront to all things manly, this male person, I imagine that if this male were to clean himself up he could be somewhat attractive. But in complete contrast to his lovely female companion he dressed in a sweat suit and a hat at a 45 degree angle from his head. The look just screamed "I'm a twit." And I must add, for the sake of those having trouble with this imagine it also screamed "and I netted a hottie, obviously female judgement is DEAD, haha intelligent males. The score is now twits 1 intellectuals 0."
So this is what you want female america. If you are attractive you want twits. Good luck having kids who can get past the second grade.
How will you know?
So a thought has occured to me, and that thought is "how would anyone know if I went REALLY insane."
In response to that I have to say, to begin with, how crazy am I now? The tendency of the human mind I believe is to think that you are sane. Usually if you were to ask many people, in all seriousness, if they are sane, they would say yes, perhaps they are the only one. Which may very well be the case. I don't know. I don't have the credentials. I am in the process of procuring the credentials to tell said people if they are crazy, but as of this moment my credentials are rather lacking. What I am in a better position to judge is my own sanity. I believe that while I may have an ego, perhaps even pride as some people might call it in who I am.
The thing that may shock some, if some could be shocked, is that my confidence in my own sanity is relatively low. In my personal quite humble opinion I think that there is currently a 50% likelyhood of me just SNAPPING like a twig and going totally nuts. What does that mean? Well it could mean any of a large number of things. These include several iterations of what I think I will look like crazy. The most likely is in my mind some sort of Don Quixote-ish figure. By that I mean that at the very least I hope it would be entertaining, but on the larger part I think that drifting away from reality is likely.
I could snap and do something else nuts, anything from the living like howard hughs, peeing in bottles and dying of malnutrition to going nuts and killing something.
But the fact remains rather at large that the most likely way for me to go crazy is quietly. I may already be there. A slow and long lingering break with reality is both likely and perhaps unavoidable. I have no stabilizers at all right now.
I have plenty of other topics, but I forgot them all on the drive home. I'll be back.
In response to that I have to say, to begin with, how crazy am I now? The tendency of the human mind I believe is to think that you are sane. Usually if you were to ask many people, in all seriousness, if they are sane, they would say yes, perhaps they are the only one. Which may very well be the case. I don't know. I don't have the credentials. I am in the process of procuring the credentials to tell said people if they are crazy, but as of this moment my credentials are rather lacking. What I am in a better position to judge is my own sanity. I believe that while I may have an ego, perhaps even pride as some people might call it in who I am.
The thing that may shock some, if some could be shocked, is that my confidence in my own sanity is relatively low. In my personal quite humble opinion I think that there is currently a 50% likelyhood of me just SNAPPING like a twig and going totally nuts. What does that mean? Well it could mean any of a large number of things. These include several iterations of what I think I will look like crazy. The most likely is in my mind some sort of Don Quixote-ish figure. By that I mean that at the very least I hope it would be entertaining, but on the larger part I think that drifting away from reality is likely.
I could snap and do something else nuts, anything from the living like howard hughs, peeing in bottles and dying of malnutrition to going nuts and killing something.
But the fact remains rather at large that the most likely way for me to go crazy is quietly. I may already be there. A slow and long lingering break with reality is both likely and perhaps unavoidable. I have no stabilizers at all right now.
I have plenty of other topics, but I forgot them all on the drive home. I'll be back.
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