The year of 10 million Napoleons

The year of 10 million Napoleons: a fantasy of the near future

In the not too distant future, just around the corner from today you might say. It all of course depends on how you perceive time. For some there is never enough time and they are always impatient. For them, don't fear this future, it is many moments away.

However for the thoughtful man, the quiet man for whom weeks seem like years and years pass like days, it happens very soon indeed. Not so soon we cannot prepare, but soon my friends, oh yes soon.

Time is a major character in this story, I warn you it may be the only real character of any force. Does the reader think that people happen to time, or that time happens to people?
I'd be interested to know, especially after I unwind my weary tale.

As I was saying in the first place, in the not too distant future. The world had finally begun to change under the force of the hands that had worked it for so long. Changed marched slowly, but with such determination that every year the sweeping changes moved faster and faster. It was as if the hands of the drummer had begun to rebel against the great conductor of the orchestra. Then the horns joined in. That however is getting ahead of the game.

The story of ten million napoleons started rather innocently. It was a Thursday, arguably the most hateful day of the week. The cogs in motion had been moving for some time, silently. The napoleons (as I will refer to them from now on, to not weary the reader overmuch), were all in different positions. Yet the voice heard round the world was not many, it was not like ten million, it was one voice. That one voice said the shortest and most powerful word in the English language. The voice said "No!"

Everybody stopped to listen, for the first time in years it seemed. It had not been years since they listened at all understand. The world of humans had listened as much as they could. However the noise of the machines of industry had made their ears insensitive to the quiet movement of the cogs of change.

These many voices who had joined together, many speaking up for the first time, were not all strong voices. Some were light and reedy, others were deep and rough. Some where timid and hardly used. The rough ones were over used.

The tone was why people listened, and the tone had in truth taken longest to set. It had started at the very start of organized thought and perhaps even before recorded history. The moment one had more than another, or one man tricked his brother, the die was cast. Falling through the ages of man, rattling on the way down. You and I know this rattle. We've heard history happen. Such is the rattle of the movement of change.

The tone was confident. The napoleons stood out not for wealth, strength or size, but for strength of character. These men, women, and people of many shapes stood out alone for knowing themselves, their worth, and their status. They stood out further because they desired better for themselves and their children.

That's the odd part of the early part of this story, because isn't it so human to love yourself and love your kids? In the era preceding this event that desire had been twisted.

If you love yourself, you must give of yourself the voices of society said. Such lovely carefully crafted almost facts. Working is of course a virtue, didn't you know?
Then they took those two beautiful life affirming facts and twisted them hard. To satisfy your desire to be productive and to give you must give more than you have they said. Minor alterations, you and I could probably agree. The voices spoke on how a large group is better than a small group, or an individual. This rang especially true for those with large hearts. Those with pride in their work were the most hurt.

The worst hurt, the hurt that festered and grew was this: if you love others, and you love work, then when others ask you to submit your personal ethics to the group ethic you must do so unquestioningly.

It was never displayed so bald as that, but you know the voice I speak of. The voice from above which says to you that paying your bills is better than obeying your morality. However who created the bills? Why humans we must all admit. However who's interest is it in that a man be forced to work unethically 80 hours a week? Who benefits most from the workers production?

Neither I nor the napoleons know. I merely know this tale began many many years ago, far before our grandparents were born.

The many organizations trying to run the world I suppose form the antagonistic element, at least in the lead up to the voice heard round the world. It is important to understand their motivations, for you can bet the napoleons did.

They were not motivated by simple greed, because greed is actually usually just an initiator. I've never seen greed actually put in a day of work. They were motivated by harmony, in particular the harmony of society. What horrible people the napoleons were! Who could ever be against harmony? The song though, was slow, monotonous and unthinking.

The song went:
I go to work to do my job
The job I do to make things work
If I didn't do it
I'd be useless
Hey ho, there's work to be done

It has a good beat to it. You cannot dance to it. Have you ever seen these invisible creatures, the organizations, dance? They can't. They can perform, they can arrange musical numbers for people, but people dance.They must remain invisible, an invisible machine with an invisible purpose: to create more invisible wealth.

I tire for today friends, come back another day and I will try to write for you again.

Poverty appropriation

https://theestablishment.co/the-troubling-trendiness-of-poverty-appropriation-4d3681406320

The subject of the article in question is the tiny house movement and how it demeans those who have no choice but poverty....... Oh god it's going to be an old fashioned rant.

I will be the first to acknowledge the complacency of the well to do and how it sickens the american worker. Yet this..... exclusion route you choose does not make sense to those of us who are already excluded by our birth communities. Just because someone chooses a life DOES NOT MEAN they don't deserve it. Example, you chose to write an article complaining about hipsters and the counterculture trying to understand your culture. Yes, I can see they did it in a way that offends you. Are you surprised?

Is there some kind of morality of the born poor, that the misery they feel is more genuine because of systemic oppression? I, like many of my born well off friends, will GLADLY tell you how EVEN YOU can have access to limitless fucking money. Because if THAT is what you value, I want you to have it, in abundance. GO buy your fucking mansion on the hill, hire a pool guy, a yard guy, and a fucking maid. Fuck the maid, and make sure you get a prenup so you can hold on to your precious MONEY.

I've been to hell and back trying to empathize with these people. There is an endemic hatred of those with culture, education, high social class. You can try to wash it off, it DOES NOT. I'm not going to say I've had it rough, because I know you think you've got it rougher. Who ever you are if you like wallowing in misery you have it worst. You win, feel better?

Nope. Because class warfare is a battle no one is winning right now. The forces we deal with are designed to keep us fighting each other. Look here, even now I'm having a little rant about my personal exclusion from a community.... When these are the people I want to stop being victimized.

I hate the system that distributes money and what money has become. I don't think capitalism is a bad concept... ok, it's flawed. The key motivation of capitalism is investment, and making money so detestable is a direct failure. It is my personal belief that if you continue to prop up the establishment, it will continue to fail you. We must deny them all we can, as they have denied us for so long. Perhaps they'll learn to fix their own cars and fill all the roles we once filled in the economy. Elon Musk seems to think so.

Wash me clean(prose)

Wash me, scrub me, rub me raw
Take me down to the bone
Let me be what remains alone
And does not flow away

Let yesterday be in the past
Let tomorrow be ahead
Let me be free of nagging fear
Or worse a looming dread

I am not free, will never be
cannot/will not own my cage
I'm dead and buried, I'm alive and well
I'm the author of my heaven, or the source of all pain

A paradox beautiful
A life without end
It's a beautiful memory
It's the day you say goodbye

Partings and comings, like seasons pass by
Harvest and reaping, a time for all things

I die I die, so someday I'll live
I scream I scream, so that I can learn to sing
My rage, my joy, are they so different?

My life and my death, a search for harmony
The story will not end until the final word is WRITTEN!

Yes and no

I want to mention that I likely won't post this often again for some time. I'm starting a new gig next week and that will likely keep my mind and body occupied for awhile.

Anyway I was thinking about not talking. I was thinking about the power of a simple affirmative. I love to say yes to people. It is by far my preferred response to any question. It has become such a happy sound. Even if I am affirming the horrible reality, affirming is peaceful and uplifting to me.

Even if you ask me: have you been suicidal? Even that dark question lights me up to say yes. It's an inky void I'm in to be an advocate of writing and good communication speaking on the virtues of not communicating. I really do write just to get the ideas out. It gives me some peace to know that should I die I leave behind what is essentially me in this moment. It's my dream to write a good book. Not because I crave fame. Fuck fame, fuck money and fuck reputation. Not one of them stack up to the utter beauty of the written word.

I want to write a good book because if I write a book that you enjoy reading it you'll remember it. Memory is the greatest currency I can trade in. If you remember my work you remember me. If you remember me I'll live on as long as that memory does. Which is why I am such a huge fan of the format of the novel. Christ himself communicated his ideas with stories. So if I can find the right story, the right words, perhaps my words could live 2000 years. You want really impressive, look at Moses. Of course the works attributed to Moses may or may not have been written by him. More to the point they are never credited as his words. He was supposedly recording what God told him to write.

I never have figured out how much of the Bible is shaped by propaganda of the time. A good example is the story of King David. I have no doubt there was a real man. However how do we separate the man from the myth. I think of the stories of David as stories parents told to children. A mother might scold their child warning them not to behave as a particular biblical figure did. Or a mentor might coach those under their training to be as obedient as Moses or David. So by the time the stories were written down there may be a little historical warping present.

Anyway, that's the challenge.

No is powerful as well, yet it's frequently unpleasant to say. I think it takes more energy. Then there are times I get into a habit of saying no. Which bothers me.

A chunk of good news and a little tech musing

I'm having trouble focusing on what I should be working on... there really is no should be working on right now. Anyway my good news is that I'm starting a new job on Monday. Which means my budget options are about to open up a little. I've mentioned before I'm an economic agnostic, however I still think it's cool to play with options when they are available.

So I've been thinking about possibly ending my fast off of smartphones. Since I have been home and near my tech all the time I have not been able to justify a smartphone. My parents found a basic phone that costs very little a month, in fact we only have to pay them a little every three months.

I'll start with the good reasons to have a smart phone:
Syncing contacts between devices
easy to get maps on the go
searching for stuff on the go/fill in boring moments

So those are good reasons to get a smartphone. However lets start at the tip of the iceberg of problems I have had with smart phones.
1. Carrier choice and monthly fees. I haven't mentioned it but I think that subscription and other monthly costs are some of the most insidious things keeping my generation poor. It doesn't SEEM like much money, 45 dollars a month. However yearly that's a couple hundred. I could buy a new tablet, top of the line, for that kind of money. This is another example of my economic agnostic side cropping up. Yes, I could spend the money elsewhere. I could also not spend the money at all. Engaging in the economy is semi optional.

I also have had a few carrier troubles, mostly with Verizon, AT&T and US Cellular. Most of it comes down to not covering devices they sell. It's a weird relationship to have with a service company. After all most service companies don't provide any support for the products associated with their service. Examples include Windows, internet and other utilities. If your gas stove doesn't work you call a repairman, you absolutely do not involve the people selling you the gas.

2. I was going to include device issues in carrier issues, but I realize it's large enough to be it's own set. I have had a few very reliable phones. However I have gone through a couple lemons. I still think it's a weird concept to include a phone with a computer. I mean, a computer does EVERYTHING the smart phone does, but with better quality assurance. You also don't carry a full computer in your pocket, worry about dropping it (much), or worry about water. It's akin to putting your only microwave under the hood of the car. In a few limited situations I can see how having a microwave on the go with your car would be useful. However it's going to be quite a bit of fun trying to get the microwave repaired, or having to buy a car you don't want because of it's microwave function. In fact it's worse than a car, because a car you can choose not to drive and it costs less, that is not the case with a cell phone.

3. Mental health issues. I have not read as many articles recently on this issue, but for me there are health risks associated with owning a smart phone. Being always connected is mentally taxing. There is also something undesirable about all the apps that track your every single move. I suppose most people manage to forget about it. Yet I still get seriously disturbed when my phone memorizes the route I like to drive home. It remembers my favorite places to eat, shop, and whatever else I do when I have to carry it around like some sort of fucking convict's relationship with the parole board. That's actually a perfect description for what it feels like. It's like having to wear a tracking anklet. I've also noticed that others who own smartphones get mad when I don't carry mine. Too much drama for me.

So, it seems like I still have far more angst about the concept of fancy cell phones than can be overpowered by benefits.  

The dance with Atheism

The very concept of an intellectual Christian seems to be incompatible with the modern concept of Christianity. I must discuss now my ever present struggle between Christianity as a philosophy and atheism.

I have never yet reached a place where I can totally believe God does not exist. However I have at many points reached a desire for him not to exist. It would make death much easier. If this was all there is then what does it matter what I do? It does not, as I do not perceive a need in society for me to exist. I do admit that I remain alive to some extent out of momentum and self hatred. The part of me that hates myself delights in the punishment of living. I don't want to wallow in that pit today.

That is the dark world of a lack of God. Yet there is a romance to the idea of a godless world. Ah to live in a world with reason alone, then what would stop us from removing our petty emotions entirely? What purpose has love or hatred in a cold world governed by what logic we can grasp and the needs of society?

There is also the problem of how unwelcome I am in the Christian community. I live in a deep red state. I also have at various points identified as a liberal, progressive, socialist and true communist. That doesn't sit too well with people around here. In some of their minds I can't possibly love and be loved by God with such ideologies in my mind.

You would think that given the social nature of Christianity I would collapse under pressure and either settle into atheism or abandon liberal ideals.

However God is not the church. God is not other Christians. God is his own entire entity. Who happens to love me and keep saving me from my stupid shit. Somehow I have managed a relationship with God without a single likable mainstream Christian that I can find. By likable I mean someone I could be honest with about my general ideology. My friends allow me to spout what I will. However most of my friends are spiritual without religion. Many of them mix and match religions, which I cannot do.

I hope someday to find a church where I like people.... or to move to one of those weird small towns where the church is the center of all social activity and not involve philosophy or politics.

I had this dream

I had this dream a little while ago. Sometimes I give thought to dreams, they seem to be either the echos or the burps of the unconscious and the spiritual.

I had this dream of a white room. In the white room an older Russian man was there to talk to me. I asked him if he was vladimir, he said he wasn't. He I perceived to be descending on a great cycle of rebirth. He was reaching the end of his cycle I thought. While I was reaching the apex of my climb. He seemed to want to examine me. I allowed this, because it seemed polite.

He couldn't speak to me, so odd, but he wrote a few words down for me. Ubermensch psychosis. That was his diagnosis. I woke up after that.

I have just spent a little time researching the Ubermensch, it's a concept of Friedrich Nietzsche's. He was if you remember an influence on Hitler, on Nazi-ism. I decided to read some of the book which the concept is in. It's called Thus Spake Zarathustra. In the part I read I realized more and more that the philosopher views the concept of a perfect being to be in defiance to God.

Which is where I diverge. I don't think it is God's plan that man be subdued. In my personal philosophy that is the direct opposite of what it is to be Christian. It is my view that man is to stretch towards God as far as he can. Is it not Christ's call that we become Christ-like? Yet it is also my view that a man should remain humble, and maybe that was my crime. Not the humility, the lack of it. Is it not such great vanity to assume one understands?

So yes I must grow up towards the sky and as far and strong as the earth should sustain me. Yet I must also not base my growth on a crutch, such as the concept of arrogance and greed. Those are my pitfalls. A great man does not become so because of his confidence in self, not that I've seen. Greatness is surviving and thriving in spite of opposition, and with full knowledge of the dangers faced. Christ knew when he came to this planet that redeeming would take a long time. He did it anyway. He knew he was to be crucified, yet with complete boldness he preached anyway. He outraged the authorities and did not rely on an easy out. Thus is my one desire, to become like that.

It is that singular focus that defines what meaning is in the reborn man. Didn't he say we must die to self, die to past and to our very sinful nature to be born anew? I don't think he was talking about starving ourselves, or punishing ourselves until we cry out in our self created suffering. God LOVES us. Christ died FOR us. While we were still in sin. He wipes us clean, and like a dutiful parent he continues to extend to us his grace. His grace is enough! I find new meaning in old words. His grace protects, covers, provides in spite of my human failings.

Ah to know the day of understanding, and yet what a wonderful taste I get as I grasp to try and understand myself. That is what dream therapy and interpretation is all about for me. It is there to understand the messages I send myself when I can finally find the sweet peace of sleep. 

unsaid

Ugg, so much is going unsaid these days. I want to say so much. My mind is on an uphill swing and I overflow with thoughts and observations. Yet I hesitate every time. Every time what I'm saying seems too judgmental, or not what I want to put out there I take a step back. Does this need to be said? So much doesn't. I still type up quite a bit of it mind you. I just don't feel any kind of compulsion to bare my soul. Perhaps I'm growing a sense of shame, or guilt. Nah. I think I'd just rather be who you see me as. For now that's good. This is a season that I will pass through and pass through well. Every man without an external PR guy has to be his own PR guy.

It's a rough time, but I think that's what I need. It is no mere chance that we would see the most offensive government in my lifetime at the time I am trying to change for the better. I don't mean in an ego centric way as if my life choices dictate the political climate. I mean that a man must match his season. This is the time when he felt called to hold public office, so in that way he went. I felt called to become more gentle and self reflecting. These things don't happen in a vacuum. Other men are standing up and speaking up, when for years they had been quiet. I think that everyone gets their turn to speak up and try to steer the world.

I don't have a duty to fix everything, as I said to myself earlier today. My job is to be the best self I can be. Today that meant a really stressful physical for a job that I want to start. Tomorrow? Who knows. I am currently a little more liberated than I was a week ago. A day will come of total liberation. The day will come when I won't be able to stay silent anymore. Then I suppose others will be letting things go unsaid. It's just the way the world appears to be. It's still harder to listen than to speak, and it remains hard to watch the world around me.

Yet watch and listen I must. How else will I ever understand?

unsolved

I don't know if this matters enough for others to care about. That isn't the point, the point is that it matters to me, it's keeping me up at night (and causing me to sleep during the day). The issue is focus. More directly I can't seem to focus on the relaxing/fun things I want to do. It's interfering with my productivity because when I can't relax I don't feel rewarded/fulfilled. The whole point of work is to make me feel justified in relaxation.

The game is heavily modded minecraft. I have a world that I have spent almost ten real time days in, which is almost 500 hours. I really like the map, and I'm really proud of how far I've gotten. I have never gotten this far on a game ever. It also represents a return to normalcy and some health. Making progress in game helps comfort and support real life progress. But I haven't been able to get in a solid work session in a week.

I log on and instantly I don't know where to go next, what to work on. I feel frozen, stuck. The anxiety is killer. I've tried playing other games, it doesn't help. I've looked up cognative therapy for various creative issues like writers block and analysis failure. Yet no approach I have tried yet has proven successful in the long term. I've watched videos which makes my hunger to be in game worse. Then I log on and feel blocked up.

I work around the house, watch shows I like, pray, read the bible, nothing is taking away this hole where the quiet space of my mind was. I don't expect others to understand, but playing the game made me feel at peace, even if I only got in a little time every week. I went without it for over 6 months while I was sick, and coming back to it this year was part of my return to some normalcy, to desiring to function again.

I have no idea if typing out the problem will help. I am determined not to let it win, one way or another I'll find my peace again. I didn't feel this way before which makes me think this whole blockage is temporary.

Growing tablet apathy

I want to take a moment for an aside on tech. I am currently living with a gaming laptop and a 3 year old kindle fire which is rapidly showing it's age. In the past 3 months I have been trying to figure out how to update my tech to suit my usage style. The problem is that my usage style is not represented by the tech specs and tech sales strategy of the companies I can buy tech from.

I just came back from best buy, who did horribly. Yet they did the best at actually trying. I found a decent 2 in 1 laptop for $750. That is quite a bit of change to drop for a tablet alternative. I will not be able to shift my gaming to that machine, it is strictly an option for taking stress off the gaming machine. Then I looked for about two hours on Newegg and Amazon, after which I found roughly the same specs best buy offered for $500-$600. I could not find a single tablet with specs that motivates me to part with over one hundred dollars.

An updated version of my gaming laptop is available for $500. So the lowest end 2 in 1 I could live with costs MORE than a top end gaming laptop. What kind of fucking economy is this? Do they understand older consumers? I have no interest in being hip, or replacing a smart phone. I have no interest in anything being compared to Apple products. I made my decision about how I felt about Apple between 1995 and 2005. They had their chance to not be smug elitist assholes, they did not do it in that decade, they cost more for the SAME hardware. Further I have to point out that their operating system isn't even independently developed. It now runs on the same kernel as linux. Which means that if I want the performance of a mac I can just go to linux, which I have experience and somewhat warm feelings with.

As far as I can tell modern tablets are either middling high performance machines that cost more, or advanced smart phones. I could get a 2 in 1 capable of replacing all my other tech for a few thousand dollars. Or for less than half that I could buy a new kindle (89 dollars), and a newish gaming laptop for between 500 and 1100 dollars. I really don't know what is going on in the economy these days, since the focus is not on customer service, nor good hardware.

Tech has become a tax on the consumer by the tech industry. To stay with the times we must part with hundreds if not thousands of dollars a year on tech which they seem to think we don't understand. The tablet is the best example I can find of a profit loop. They cannot be repaired, fiddled with, or in any way taken care of to extend the life of. Two or three years is the best we can hope for from a tablet. Same with cell phones. Sometimes a laptop can make it 3-4 years, which I'm hoping for my current one. The reason for the difference is that I can fix my laptop, it doesn't have a touch screen and I don't care about the battery life. It is a light weight work station. I might be able to do better, but it is against the will of the retailers and manufacturers.

strategies on sleep

I know: two posts in one day, madness!

Interestingly I am going to be addressing some of my madness in this post. I have a sleep strategy that I am modifying from my previous strategy. My previous strategy being whatever pills feel right (as prescribed, I'm not that crazy as to overindulge).

I am going to treat sleep as I am treating my current get fit program, that is setting median goals and following them.
For example both of them involve doing a set of exercises first thing when I wake up as an aid to alertness. I enjoy that and it helps me stay active through the day.

My new strategy for sleep centers on the wake up time. In my mind nothing else matters, because my body will crave sleep at a certain time eventually. The overall goal is to need help getting to sleep only 1 in 2 nights. Right now it's every night, and that's awful. I feel sluggish in the morning, and late at night my thoughts race.

Another part is dealing with racing thoughts during the day and not trying to put them away for later. Sooner or later the problems will get solved.

Most important right now is my strategy tonight, which I will try and replicate at least 1 in 7 nights to start. I will not even try to go to sleep before my normal time that I get to sleep. I am either going to go without or do a reduced dose of meds. I am planning a quiet half hour to hour before bed to cycle down. If I can't sleep I'm not going to medicate as my first option, I will continue to try to fall asleep naturally until 4 hours from my wake up time, and if I do need the meds, I will still wake up at my normal time. Routine is my ally. Sleeping in is what is messing me up. I'm not sleeping past 9 am at all, this time of year that's not enough sunlight. 7:15 is my ideal time on weekdays, eventually I'd like to move that back between 6 and 7.

Writing things down helps, and this is pretty much always my first line of defense against losing my thoughts.

musing on learned helplessness.

As predicted I didn't fall asleep the first try, which is okay.

In finally taking the first med I did a little research on it and learned about a condition called learned helplessness. It is the condition in which the subject under prolonged stress concludes that stopping trying is a valid strategy. Which may be a gross oversimplification.

Learned Helplessness Wikipedia Article

I think that this may explain my current state in regard to..... what I talked about earlier. Disfunctional relationships... not finding a job. I am really struggling to think about it. Another time.

Anyway, I suppose I'll provide you with a song stuck in my head:

a healthy relationship with an employer

Disclaimer: This post is not only about the employer/employee relationship, it is abstract. If a prospective employer is reading this remember that at this point I have not met you. As I will go into this is about where I have been. I actively want to be proven wrong on this.

I did a web search on: "can't have a healthy relationship with an employer". Instant gratification being what it is, I was shortly disappointed in the results. A long list of articles all to the tune of "how to improve your relationship with your boss" came up. Which is not what I meant at all by my search. I find the notion that it is the employee's job to make their relationship work is not a good metric of healthy relationships. It smacks of codependency and it stinks of desperation.

Maybe this is what we've come to. Perhaps our society is so overburdened with an obsession over money and employment that now employers have replaced men as patriarchs of the world. However it is not so for me. I desire an equal relationship. An equal relationship relies on trust. In an equal relationship an employer should express an equal desire for an employee to trust them. This is not my experience. In every job I have worked, and by the way that is many, the employer is not a leader in the modern context of the word. The employer is either a knight or a king. To put modern terms to it they are either a tool or the literal oppressor.

Which means I have to talk about totalitarianism. There are nice dictators. That's not to say that dictatorships represent an ideal, it is simply true that some people are nicer than others. Some dictators feed their people, while others do not. This is true of employers. I have worked for a few days for employers that do not pay their employees. That shouldn't be possible. I did not volunteer for these people, I worked for them and was promised a wage. I was not paid. This is how capitalism truly works sometimes. I find it true far too often that people work for nothing. I am not saying that I find a large trend of shorting wages illegally. I am talking about legal wage slavery. I have seen employers pay their employees just short of what they need to survive. This makes people work multiple jobs to make ends meet.

It is just so hard for me to hunt for work, running into these predators in the market. When I do meet an entity I perceive to be an exception recently I experience rejection. Which deepens my apathy towards the entire market. I am not interested in work out of a love of money. Frankly I find money entirely meaningless. A rich man and a poor man will both get sick, experience heartbreak and die. I like work, and I find it really unfortunate that I have to deal with employers to do work.

I don't know if this is representative of all relationships like this. From a scientific point of view I can't create a large enough sample size. I'm also a biased data collector given that I like myself. I also have struggled with my anger at past employers. It is only now that I try to separate out the abusers from the kind or indifferent. I have been hurt very deeply. It put me in the hospital, and I will never let someone in that position act like that again. Even if I cannot function and therefor cannot live. I would rather end myself than that. Of course it won't come to that. Despite my problems my family loves me. Despite my struggle they still have hope. So I keep trying to live up to their hopes for me. Hope is a powerful motivator.

I keep coming back to the analogy of a romantic relationship, because the parallels are so strong. Like a romantic relationship a work relationship is something I desire strongly. Like a bad relationship I have been intimidated into staying quiet and not expressing my true feelings because of fear of retribution. It's taken incredible courage in the face of my fear to even type this post. It will take ten times more to put it online. I'm not magnifying myself here, I'm admitting my fear. This is because oppression will continue until the oppressed say no. I did not shake off my chain of unhealthy romantic relationships until I told my prospective partners that I did not need them, nor would I ever. I have met a woman I love more than I could have imagined, and I had to look deeply at myself to do that. I plan to keep trying. I know that there are kind people out there. I sincerely hope some of them are hiring.

self edit/troubling thoughts

I don't want to alarm, as everything is fine. I am merely becoming aware that my thoughts are not what I represent them to myself as. This is difficult to bring to awareness. I have known for some time that I have been attempting to edit and regulate my... madness for lack of a better word. Manic moments. Which is not a sentence but nevermind.

I was under the impression I was laid back, content. That appears to be less the case than I thought it was. Which isn't to say it isn't partially true. Contentedness is not like happiness, because I can get it, and as often as I want. It is a sliding scale from not at all to completely. I'm only saying I'm not completely content. Which is only natural, life is in flux, I have to adjust. This is how I self edit. Troubling thoughts are immediately followed by comfort, rationality, and level headed feeling thoughts. I'm actually currently of the opinion that I probably am over doing it. I think if I found a productive outlet for the manic thing.... it would be better.

So it goes, so it goes.

Goodnight.

On the problem of good choices

Last night I posted some thoughts I had on futility. I want to address the opposite problem because at times it is an equal foe of productivity.

There are many good things to do. One might clean or organize their house. Applying for jobs is also generally viewed as productive. Working in the garden is a nice way to get fresh air. Going to the gym helps a person stay healthy. The list goes on, yet the problem is the same. There are 24 hours in the day and a minimum of 6 are needed for sleep. Another 1-2 are needed for other body needs. That leaves 16 hours. The individual is left with the choice of how to arrange these hours for the maximum good of self and community.

For the last few months I have been relatively inactive. I find times like this restful. It's good to take a step back and reevaluate what makes life worth living. Yet it also highlights flaws in my life as it was and as it is currently. The problem of good choices is one that haunts me. Is it a good choice to chase this path or that one? No one seems to have a clear answer. My family is pleased with any path that brings me back to the world. Personally I desire to remain removed from the world, but that desire is not one I'm supposed to have. It's not "healthy" to drop out of life I'm told. Yet it remains a central desire of my heart and so I chase paths towards the ability to not have to engage.

I'm still startled by that truth. I don't talk about it because it's not something I want to discuss with my family and I have yet to meet a therapist that actually will drill down to my central philosophy and why I want what I want. I feel like everyone wants to impose their life goals on me. They like going to a job, talking to people who have no desire to talk to them and chasing employment and relationships that do not reciprocate interest. I want to be where I'm wanted. That's what I look for in a job. I don't give a damn if it is cleaning toilets in a stadium, if I came to work every day and felt necessary and could maintain the hours and lifestyle I enjoy I would do it. Yet that doesn't have a degree plan. I have yet to figure out how to get employers to give a damn about me, and if it isn't obvious by now I have no profit driven dreams. I do believe that if I get out of bed and go work I should make a decent paycheck. The counterpoint is that I enjoy work in it's pure form. I could make a dollar an hour if I could eat, buy a new computer once a year and keep my house working on that budget. Of course I can't do that. A dollar an hour doesn't even cover the cost of driving to work.

That's what happens to good choices. Going to the gym is an exercise in futility (get it?!) Cleaning the house is lovely, but it will require cleaning again soon. All these lovely choices are equally futile in the end. As the good book says "I looked upon man's toil under the sun and I saw that too was meaningless." I had a few very interesting political and philosophical ideas I wanted to unpack, yet I looked at all of them and realized that they too were meaningless. I could struggle all day to understand the underpinnings and reasoning of life. Yet it would not make you read it.

Even if I came up with the purest truth imaginable, if I couldn't make it interesting I would be only doing it for myself. Finally I realize doing things for myself is a struggle against the wind, because one day I will die and return to dust, and that will be that. So it goes.

“Nobody is making you feel what you’re feeling. Nobody has the power to make you feel something negative emotionally. Your reactions are caused by how you interpret any situation. This is so important because it means that you ultimately become your own resource of emotional freedom and truth.”
Adyashanti (via celestinevibes)

I’m going to use this as a starting point for talking about my feelings of futility. I think the greatest thing I have learned is how little other people’s regard actually effects my mood. However certain realities do have a tendency to pull me downwards.

The name of the problem is futility. As the good book says “I worked hard, built things and stored up riches, yet this too is folly”. The fundamental foundation of capitalist employment is money. The stick is how unhappy we are supposed to be without our little luxuries and status. The carrot is the partial promise of life getting better. Life has not gotten better. I have thrown myself into everything I do with passion. As to the Lord, my work is my offering.

Yet now I’m struggling to get back into work. I feel as though I have no purpose and it keeps me up at night. I don’t particularly need a high purpose (though my spiritual life would benefit from such a thing), I would be content to be doing a small essential job where I can carve out a place of peace amidst the chaos of toxic work culture.

It is no one’s journey but mine, and it isn’t even one I should be going down. Yet once I confronted the absurdity and futility of living life to serve unrewarding causes and to pour out yourself and your passion to receive nothing, not even a leg up, I became nothing.



I am still yet a man with some deep thoughts, some kindness, and a loose grip on dreams far beyond my greatest abilities. I have faith, not that my plan will work out, but that something will. It’s still a daily challenge to take up my painful journey. I am often told I am going the wrong way, as my only desire is one that goes against the very fabric of what capitalism is about. I desire enough. If my current life was sustainable I’d find complete contentment here.



Even should I lose everything, my mind remains, as does my voice and faith. I cannot seem to find an actual solution to the absurdity, because by it’s nature it is meaningless. 

A subtle nudge

I'm not anticipating this becoming a long post. I just wanted to take note that I achieved one of my lifetime goals. It wasn't a big goal, and it wasn't one I thought I ever would get done.

I feel like there is significance to this. I desire to attach more to it because I didn't intentionally bring it about. That feels spiritual to me. It is also possible that I am being drawn towards the spiritual, and today is just another lever on that journey.

a short after thought

I was thinking about what I just wrote and I realize it sounds like I hate where I am or who I am. That is simply untrue. I think where I currently am is one of the most liberated states I have ever experienced. Sometimes when I reach rock bottom it's great, because there is no pain that can be greater. This leads to a kind of euphoria. Imagine laying at the bottom of a deep hole which you can never imagine a way of climbing out. You look up and see the most beautiful blue sky you could ever see. There are two ways to view that blue sky. You could resent it. How horrible that I cannot run and play on this beautiful day.

I for one prefer a different approach. I look at the beautiful world without as I am dying inside. I look around as I realize it may be the last time I get to. Further at last I can revel in the joyous notion that I could not be doing a thing better. What a terrible fate you healthy folk have. You have to make the best of what you have. You will always wonder if you are doing the best you can with what you have.

Yet I am singularly blessed. I cannot waste what little I have. The horrors I have been through have stripped away all guilt. All I can do is either address the pain that defines me, or observe the pleasures of a world that left me behind. You who experience them will never know how sweet they are by comparison. Your mouths are blinded by excessive sweets and your eyes are dulled by the wonders you take for granted.

One day death will come for you and you will not see it coming. You will suddenly realize that you did not cherish what you had while you had it. I speak to my metaphorical opposite, for I know no one so crass as to be completely ignorant of death. Yet few can count non being and death as familiar companions. Not many have withstood encounter after encounter with the abyss. This is my blessing. I choose to focus on that which I have and that which I am. I can't be anything or anyone else.

Progression of Evil

Disclaimer: This is likely to be a pretty dark post. It's not very pleasant to read these things at this time of year, but my crisis doesn't respect schedules. Skip it and read it later if you are likely to be disturbed by morbid and depressing musing over the contents of my soul.

I love a good metaphor, and I finally have one for my life. Hence the title.

A few years ago I was in a board game group and we played a game called Shadows over Camelot. The basic idea of the game was that you and your friends were a group of nights trying to complete various quests. In the easy version of the game the mechanics of the game itself were all that stood against you. In the normal and hard versions someone in your group was a traitor.

The interesting mechanic though was the Progression of Evil. What this meant that for every good thing you did, the game did something unpleasant back to you. It might be laying down cards you had to beat, or siege engines around the castle. The point was that you had to work together to fight the progression of evil.

I think it appeals to something in all of us to believe that there is some balance in the universe. I also think that it's a big pile of shit. There are times when fewer people are suffering than at others. There is also no direct causal link between doing good and allowing evil to bloom.

The thing that makes me think of this is being very sick. I haven't been this depressed before. The simple reason is that I see no up or out. I have gone to more interviews than I can count, and still no job. Worse still I cannot see myself returning to school due to my medical limitations. My only hope is God, and that's where things get complicated.

I believe 100% that God can do something, and even in fact anything. I also understand that he doesn't have to. Many good people get illnesses and die and it is not a sign of faith being lacking. I have to admit that this darkness that is slowly eating away at my will to fight to live is actually an illness. Not everyone recovers.

I suppose what I am saying is that with every day deeper into the abyss I come closer and closer to accepting the concept that this could kill me. I'm not sure if I want it to or not... I suppose it depends heavily on what kind of life I might live if I survive for a few more decades. I personally don't think what I want plays very heavily into it. As long as there are people I love and want to keep from hurting I will fight to stay alive.

Which brings me back to the progression of evil. The illness is clever and finds new ways to hurt and isolate me, not all of which I am equipped to reverse. Eventually if my pain exceeds my capacity to cope it will be the end of me. I'm thinking about it rather unemotionally at the moment. Simply as unavoidable as weather. You can bring a jacket and umbrella but if you get stuck for long enough in a blizzard you will freeze. If I exceed my capacity to cope, and remain there for long enough, I will die.

God for me has become a part of my much larger net of coping mechanisms. On that score I can say without a doubt he is quite amazing. Yet he has yet to completely negate the struggle. I'm trying to avoid talking about it, but  I worry that one day soon he won't be enough.

Here's the crazy part:
It's not lack of love or desire that are failing me. My love for God is as great or greater than my love for my family. His love for me is greater still. Yet I have been on this journey for 6 years. He's been right beside me. I've survived more than I thought I would. Yet being in this hopeless place again for the second time in a decade is almost more than I can bare.

Is there a future? I can't see it. I'm well aware my views are limited by how I think the world works, and I do not understand a great many things in that category. I'm only talking about my view of myself. I'm incredibly self aware. That awareness tells me that my resources are down, and we have no way to resupply. I'm about to be forced to go on the least fun encounter with hard drugs, which is the kind the doctors think can fix things.

To tell the truth there is only one glimmer I can see in my life. That glimmer is that if my view is correct I won't suffer for very much longer. If I don't pull up and out, then it's not much further down until I reach the end. I have to believe that if there is no comfort left for me in this world there is hope. That hope might just sound like the bleakest future to healthy people. Trust me when I say that this illness reaching it's natural conclusion is the only think it gives me to look forward to.

Reality, dreams, and sleepless nights

I haven't written in awhile, mostly because there isn't much to report. I vary from day to day from depression, anxiety, to hope and pushing back against it hard.

Lately my old dream keeps coming back. I can hardly get to sleep without visualizing living my dream. Yet it frightens me that chasing that emotionally sometimes begins to feel like I'm peeling away from reality. I have real reasons to be afraid from totally seperating from reality. It was that sort of thinking that got me in the hospital.

Yet that is the crux of the problem. Faith is about believing without seeing. Which is also what being paranoid, delusional and psychotic starts out as. I don't see any way forward for me on chasing that dream in my day to day life. Further there isn't much I want to chase in my day to day life. The things I long for cost more than I can pay. The things I can reach don't satisfy.

Tonight I tried to step out further on faith and give the dream back to God. Which is why I'm sitting up at 3:15 AM writing instead of sleeping so I can do stuff later. He's so frustratingly silent. Further a part of me worries that my experience of God is part of my illness. I've been sick for a long time. Worse is that since the hospital and my mental break I don't even trust my senses anymore.

It should be strictly hyperbole that seeking and waiting on God can drive a man crazy. Yet here I am, living proof that things like that happen. The part of me with faith (which won't die) says that it isn't seeking God that has driven me to this broken reality. It's the enemy and dark forces who oppose me trying to keep me from achieving joy in him.

As for my logical side I remain unsure. I have to grapple with the concept that until others see something I can't be sure something exists. Even then there are some mass delusions that bother me. I'm afraid of losing myself again.

I want to talk about how large this dream is. First it requires me being able to walk away from the house I live in, which is harder than it looks. Second it requires some way to move to the land I dream of. That likely involves quite a bit of money, a minimum of 1.5 million dollars. I don't have that kind of career money available to me. My family doesn't either. It has to be entirely God. Which is a strange place, feelings wise. I cry out to him pretty much nightly. I haven't heard him in some time..... What am I supposed to do?

It's like that They Might Be Giants song, Dead,
"Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,
or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do."

One thing I am sure of and that is that I'm doing enough as far as God is  concerned. I feel like my job in terms of his business is to survive this time period with some amount of faith intact. That's pretty easy as long as I don't blame him for my life as it is. Which for me means knowing that if he led me hear he has a purpose in this suffering. I guess that's all I have to say. One day all this will make sense. One day I'll know what God really plans for me.