Last night I posted some thoughts I had on futility. I want to address the opposite problem because at times it is an equal foe of productivity.
There are many good things to do. One might clean or organize their house. Applying for jobs is also generally viewed as productive. Working in the garden is a nice way to get fresh air. Going to the gym helps a person stay healthy. The list goes on, yet the problem is the same. There are 24 hours in the day and a minimum of 6 are needed for sleep. Another 1-2 are needed for other body needs. That leaves 16 hours. The individual is left with the choice of how to arrange these hours for the maximum good of self and community.
For the last few months I have been relatively inactive. I find times like this restful. It's good to take a step back and reevaluate what makes life worth living. Yet it also highlights flaws in my life as it was and as it is currently. The problem of good choices is one that haunts me. Is it a good choice to chase this path or that one? No one seems to have a clear answer. My family is pleased with any path that brings me back to the world. Personally I desire to remain removed from the world, but that desire is not one I'm supposed to have. It's not "healthy" to drop out of life I'm told. Yet it remains a central desire of my heart and so I chase paths towards the ability to not have to engage.
I'm still startled by that truth. I don't talk about it because it's not something I want to discuss with my family and I have yet to meet a therapist that actually will drill down to my central philosophy and why I want what I want. I feel like everyone wants to impose their life goals on me. They like going to a job, talking to people who have no desire to talk to them and chasing employment and relationships that do not reciprocate interest. I want to be where I'm wanted. That's what I look for in a job. I don't give a damn if it is cleaning toilets in a stadium, if I came to work every day and felt necessary and could maintain the hours and lifestyle I enjoy I would do it. Yet that doesn't have a degree plan. I have yet to figure out how to get employers to give a damn about me, and if it isn't obvious by now I have no profit driven dreams. I do believe that if I get out of bed and go work I should make a decent paycheck. The counterpoint is that I enjoy work in it's pure form. I could make a dollar an hour if I could eat, buy a new computer once a year and keep my house working on that budget. Of course I can't do that. A dollar an hour doesn't even cover the cost of driving to work.
That's what happens to good choices. Going to the gym is an exercise in futility (get it?!) Cleaning the house is lovely, but it will require cleaning again soon. All these lovely choices are equally futile in the end. As the good book says "I looked upon man's toil under the sun and I saw that too was meaningless." I had a few very interesting political and philosophical ideas I wanted to unpack, yet I looked at all of them and realized that they too were meaningless. I could struggle all day to understand the underpinnings and reasoning of life. Yet it would not make you read it.
Even if I came up with the purest truth imaginable, if I couldn't make it interesting I would be only doing it for myself. Finally I realize doing things for myself is a struggle against the wind, because one day I will die and return to dust, and that will be that. So it goes.
There are many good things to do. One might clean or organize their house. Applying for jobs is also generally viewed as productive. Working in the garden is a nice way to get fresh air. Going to the gym helps a person stay healthy. The list goes on, yet the problem is the same. There are 24 hours in the day and a minimum of 6 are needed for sleep. Another 1-2 are needed for other body needs. That leaves 16 hours. The individual is left with the choice of how to arrange these hours for the maximum good of self and community.
For the last few months I have been relatively inactive. I find times like this restful. It's good to take a step back and reevaluate what makes life worth living. Yet it also highlights flaws in my life as it was and as it is currently. The problem of good choices is one that haunts me. Is it a good choice to chase this path or that one? No one seems to have a clear answer. My family is pleased with any path that brings me back to the world. Personally I desire to remain removed from the world, but that desire is not one I'm supposed to have. It's not "healthy" to drop out of life I'm told. Yet it remains a central desire of my heart and so I chase paths towards the ability to not have to engage.
I'm still startled by that truth. I don't talk about it because it's not something I want to discuss with my family and I have yet to meet a therapist that actually will drill down to my central philosophy and why I want what I want. I feel like everyone wants to impose their life goals on me. They like going to a job, talking to people who have no desire to talk to them and chasing employment and relationships that do not reciprocate interest. I want to be where I'm wanted. That's what I look for in a job. I don't give a damn if it is cleaning toilets in a stadium, if I came to work every day and felt necessary and could maintain the hours and lifestyle I enjoy I would do it. Yet that doesn't have a degree plan. I have yet to figure out how to get employers to give a damn about me, and if it isn't obvious by now I have no profit driven dreams. I do believe that if I get out of bed and go work I should make a decent paycheck. The counterpoint is that I enjoy work in it's pure form. I could make a dollar an hour if I could eat, buy a new computer once a year and keep my house working on that budget. Of course I can't do that. A dollar an hour doesn't even cover the cost of driving to work.
That's what happens to good choices. Going to the gym is an exercise in futility (get it?!) Cleaning the house is lovely, but it will require cleaning again soon. All these lovely choices are equally futile in the end. As the good book says "I looked upon man's toil under the sun and I saw that too was meaningless." I had a few very interesting political and philosophical ideas I wanted to unpack, yet I looked at all of them and realized that they too were meaningless. I could struggle all day to understand the underpinnings and reasoning of life. Yet it would not make you read it.
Even if I came up with the purest truth imaginable, if I couldn't make it interesting I would be only doing it for myself. Finally I realize doing things for myself is a struggle against the wind, because one day I will die and return to dust, and that will be that. So it goes.
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