The very concept of an intellectual Christian seems to be incompatible with the modern concept of Christianity. I must discuss now my ever present struggle between Christianity as a philosophy and atheism.
I have never yet reached a place where I can totally believe God does not exist. However I have at many points reached a desire for him not to exist. It would make death much easier. If this was all there is then what does it matter what I do? It does not, as I do not perceive a need in society for me to exist. I do admit that I remain alive to some extent out of momentum and self hatred. The part of me that hates myself delights in the punishment of living. I don't want to wallow in that pit today.
That is the dark world of a lack of God. Yet there is a romance to the idea of a godless world. Ah to live in a world with reason alone, then what would stop us from removing our petty emotions entirely? What purpose has love or hatred in a cold world governed by what logic we can grasp and the needs of society?
There is also the problem of how unwelcome I am in the Christian community. I live in a deep red state. I also have at various points identified as a liberal, progressive, socialist and true communist. That doesn't sit too well with people around here. In some of their minds I can't possibly love and be loved by God with such ideologies in my mind.
You would think that given the social nature of Christianity I would collapse under pressure and either settle into atheism or abandon liberal ideals.
However God is not the church. God is not other Christians. God is his own entire entity. Who happens to love me and keep saving me from my stupid shit. Somehow I have managed a relationship with God without a single likable mainstream Christian that I can find. By likable I mean someone I could be honest with about my general ideology. My friends allow me to spout what I will. However most of my friends are spiritual without religion. Many of them mix and match religions, which I cannot do.
I hope someday to find a church where I like people.... or to move to one of those weird small towns where the church is the center of all social activity and not involve philosophy or politics.
I have never yet reached a place where I can totally believe God does not exist. However I have at many points reached a desire for him not to exist. It would make death much easier. If this was all there is then what does it matter what I do? It does not, as I do not perceive a need in society for me to exist. I do admit that I remain alive to some extent out of momentum and self hatred. The part of me that hates myself delights in the punishment of living. I don't want to wallow in that pit today.
That is the dark world of a lack of God. Yet there is a romance to the idea of a godless world. Ah to live in a world with reason alone, then what would stop us from removing our petty emotions entirely? What purpose has love or hatred in a cold world governed by what logic we can grasp and the needs of society?
There is also the problem of how unwelcome I am in the Christian community. I live in a deep red state. I also have at various points identified as a liberal, progressive, socialist and true communist. That doesn't sit too well with people around here. In some of their minds I can't possibly love and be loved by God with such ideologies in my mind.
You would think that given the social nature of Christianity I would collapse under pressure and either settle into atheism or abandon liberal ideals.
However God is not the church. God is not other Christians. God is his own entire entity. Who happens to love me and keep saving me from my stupid shit. Somehow I have managed a relationship with God without a single likable mainstream Christian that I can find. By likable I mean someone I could be honest with about my general ideology. My friends allow me to spout what I will. However most of my friends are spiritual without religion. Many of them mix and match religions, which I cannot do.
I hope someday to find a church where I like people.... or to move to one of those weird small towns where the church is the center of all social activity and not involve philosophy or politics.
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