unsaid

Ugg, so much is going unsaid these days. I want to say so much. My mind is on an uphill swing and I overflow with thoughts and observations. Yet I hesitate every time. Every time what I'm saying seems too judgmental, or not what I want to put out there I take a step back. Does this need to be said? So much doesn't. I still type up quite a bit of it mind you. I just don't feel any kind of compulsion to bare my soul. Perhaps I'm growing a sense of shame, or guilt. Nah. I think I'd just rather be who you see me as. For now that's good. This is a season that I will pass through and pass through well. Every man without an external PR guy has to be his own PR guy.

It's a rough time, but I think that's what I need. It is no mere chance that we would see the most offensive government in my lifetime at the time I am trying to change for the better. I don't mean in an ego centric way as if my life choices dictate the political climate. I mean that a man must match his season. This is the time when he felt called to hold public office, so in that way he went. I felt called to become more gentle and self reflecting. These things don't happen in a vacuum. Other men are standing up and speaking up, when for years they had been quiet. I think that everyone gets their turn to speak up and try to steer the world.

I don't have a duty to fix everything, as I said to myself earlier today. My job is to be the best self I can be. Today that meant a really stressful physical for a job that I want to start. Tomorrow? Who knows. I am currently a little more liberated than I was a week ago. A day will come of total liberation. The day will come when I won't be able to stay silent anymore. Then I suppose others will be letting things go unsaid. It's just the way the world appears to be. It's still harder to listen than to speak, and it remains hard to watch the world around me.

Yet watch and listen I must. How else will I ever understand?