So I finally heard from my pastor, Paul, and I told him my tale of woe and disappointment, and he said he would pray for me which is of course neato torpedo because maybe if one more person brings this stuff to God's attention it will cross a magic line and we all yell jackpot when God reaches his magic amount of attention he needs from me and my cohort before he answers my prayer.
I know that's sarcastic, shut up inner voice which is full of questioning. It's SUPPOSED TO BE!
I'm ticked off and since I don't desire to cuss or yell my not so clever satire of the happy your way to the happy field mentality will have to suffice.
Seriously, I try to be happy, my entire life focus is on trying to make the best out of the shit I've got. The thing about it is that I'm still here. I'm still waiting for God to get around to answering my prayer. Seriously this is what it feels like. I decided tonight not to distract myself and instead to really apply the matter of my problem with faith to some study, and this is the result. Me mulling over and over again at the fact that God's timing today did not include a breakthrough. Which isn't to say one isn't coming, it IS to say that I am very very very very frustrated with this whole shit mess that is being alive.
As I point out to myself at least once a day I could have been dead and peacefully napping in my grave three fucking years ago. Which is kind of the end all be all of nirvana for christians. Yeah yeah, being alive is nice for writing books, loving people, building shit and making babies, but the real payoff? death. Because that is when you KNOW what you desire will finally be answered. I don't mean what you desire like that new boat to take you family out fishing on, I mean a final, CONCRETE end to all the pain and suffering you've been bitching about.
Because after all, that's what it's all about isn't it? You live, you suffer, you die, and isn't that christlike in it's simplicity. Some people (me when I'm not pissed and a few other idealists) think this life can be nirvana in itself. So we go about seeking it out. And now we've come full circle back to my unresolved prayer issue and pastor Paul.
So pastor Paul says he wants me to write a letter telling God all the shit I'm grateful for (he didn't say shit). So I started writing it, and I realized somewhere along the way that this is not a solution. I'm not discounting it as an exercise, I'm glad to express to God I am grateful for him to be in my life and for all the wonderful shit he has done. It's wonderful. But it does not address the problem at hand in my relationship with him.
The problem at hand in my relationship with him is my rather inconsequential dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle, and with the lifestyle I had when I worked 9-5 and had money but not satisfaction, and the entire lifestyle of chasing what is profitable instead of what is fulfilling. But I don't even know why I bitch about what is fulfilling, when it is so far distant from where I am.
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at this point Max's girlfriend came home and spoke encouraging words, got Max to eat, watch cutthroat kitchen and go to bed. Max continues 10 hours later
--------------------
It's a new morning on day two. An atheistic viewpoint would say that the sunlight was so bright and I was so undrugged that I rose two or three hours early. A God based viewpoint says God desired me to be up early. A me centered viewpoint says deep down I didn't want more sleep I wanted to figure out answers to my questions. You must decide for yourself which is correct. I think it's two AND three.
So I rose early (for me) and started seeking God, since that was one of the convictions he pressed on me last night. I feel somewhat shored up. I did as instructed by him and sought him with a full heart. I put my anxiety on him, my questions, my fear. This is not to say they are any less real. This is not to say it is over yet, because it isn't.
This is to say that something spoke to my heart to believe that there is a breakthrough coming. I read Ask, Seek, Knock and it had some pretty pointed things towards the exact attitudes I was living in. So that's usually the communication from God that I receive. Tonight is church.
Today I plan to get more sleep drugs, get more coffee, go to the gym, if the girl gets up and it fits in I will help her move. I feel energized and ready for stuff, which is normal for having been up a few hours at this time of day. I think 20 more minutes of quiet study will suffice then I will meditate on what I read while I flit about doing my errands. I also need to air up my tires. Today is a new day, I am renewed and ready for God to work in my life.
I know that's sarcastic, shut up inner voice which is full of questioning. It's SUPPOSED TO BE!
I'm ticked off and since I don't desire to cuss or yell my not so clever satire of the happy your way to the happy field mentality will have to suffice.
Seriously, I try to be happy, my entire life focus is on trying to make the best out of the shit I've got. The thing about it is that I'm still here. I'm still waiting for God to get around to answering my prayer. Seriously this is what it feels like. I decided tonight not to distract myself and instead to really apply the matter of my problem with faith to some study, and this is the result. Me mulling over and over again at the fact that God's timing today did not include a breakthrough. Which isn't to say one isn't coming, it IS to say that I am very very very very frustrated with this whole shit mess that is being alive.
As I point out to myself at least once a day I could have been dead and peacefully napping in my grave three fucking years ago. Which is kind of the end all be all of nirvana for christians. Yeah yeah, being alive is nice for writing books, loving people, building shit and making babies, but the real payoff? death. Because that is when you KNOW what you desire will finally be answered. I don't mean what you desire like that new boat to take you family out fishing on, I mean a final, CONCRETE end to all the pain and suffering you've been bitching about.
Because after all, that's what it's all about isn't it? You live, you suffer, you die, and isn't that christlike in it's simplicity. Some people (me when I'm not pissed and a few other idealists) think this life can be nirvana in itself. So we go about seeking it out. And now we've come full circle back to my unresolved prayer issue and pastor Paul.
So pastor Paul says he wants me to write a letter telling God all the shit I'm grateful for (he didn't say shit). So I started writing it, and I realized somewhere along the way that this is not a solution. I'm not discounting it as an exercise, I'm glad to express to God I am grateful for him to be in my life and for all the wonderful shit he has done. It's wonderful. But it does not address the problem at hand in my relationship with him.
The problem at hand in my relationship with him is my rather inconsequential dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle, and with the lifestyle I had when I worked 9-5 and had money but not satisfaction, and the entire lifestyle of chasing what is profitable instead of what is fulfilling. But I don't even know why I bitch about what is fulfilling, when it is so far distant from where I am.
--------------------
at this point Max's girlfriend came home and spoke encouraging words, got Max to eat, watch cutthroat kitchen and go to bed. Max continues 10 hours later
--------------------
It's a new morning on day two. An atheistic viewpoint would say that the sunlight was so bright and I was so undrugged that I rose two or three hours early. A God based viewpoint says God desired me to be up early. A me centered viewpoint says deep down I didn't want more sleep I wanted to figure out answers to my questions. You must decide for yourself which is correct. I think it's two AND three.
So I rose early (for me) and started seeking God, since that was one of the convictions he pressed on me last night. I feel somewhat shored up. I did as instructed by him and sought him with a full heart. I put my anxiety on him, my questions, my fear. This is not to say they are any less real. This is not to say it is over yet, because it isn't.
This is to say that something spoke to my heart to believe that there is a breakthrough coming. I read Ask, Seek, Knock and it had some pretty pointed things towards the exact attitudes I was living in. So that's usually the communication from God that I receive. Tonight is church.
Today I plan to get more sleep drugs, get more coffee, go to the gym, if the girl gets up and it fits in I will help her move. I feel energized and ready for stuff, which is normal for having been up a few hours at this time of day. I think 20 more minutes of quiet study will suffice then I will meditate on what I read while I flit about doing my errands. I also need to air up my tires. Today is a new day, I am renewed and ready for God to work in my life.
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