I finally caught the ear of my elusive pastor Paul. Honestly it's almost a quest like story how that ended up happening. Anyway, when I finally tracked him down and told him of my faith challenges the greatest analysis he had was this:
"Maybe the things you are asking for are wants not needs."
Did this hit close to the mark?
Read on.
Did this make me angry?
Oh yes.
So this is of course set me into some deep brooding, which I am not out of yet, just processing. This is without a doubt the most common reaction to me having this vision for my life. There are a number of people who delicately imply that I am being greedy by seeking this.
What is greed?
Greed is an excessive and selfish desire for more (particularly money, food or power). Which begs the question, what is excessive. (using a dictionary here, so don't jump on me about these definitions.)
Direct quote:
"more than is necessary, normal, or desirable; immoderate."
Now, to begin with I'd like to point out that these words are entirely subjective. What is excessive to one may be modest to another. I could continue defining these terms all day, and I would if it would truly convince you that what these people are saying doesn't have enough ground to stand on.
The point I am trying to make is that you have to ask who sets the standard. Well, to a greater extent God sets the standard. More on that later. However to a more practical purpose, I do. I'm the one that has to at some point decide what is necessary and what is not.
Thinking about my general life plan, or what I really consider ideal, I have to say a bit more than what I need is what I'm going for. So if I eat 2000 calories a day, lets say I can subsist rather well on a budget of $40 a day. This seems like quite a bit, but let me throw some numbers your way:
Food costs per day $5-40
Gas costs per day $4
meds/herbal junk $3-5
roof over my head: $15-29
phone: $1.25
This is DAILY, and these numbers are the same now (when I haven't gone shopping for anything but food and essentials in three months) as they were when I had a full time job and two roommates. If anything they've gone up. So, $40 a day, what does that work out to yearly?
$14,600 a year to subsist at my current rate.
I am currently awarded about $400 less than that, minus of course the costs of going to school, which is another three to five thousand a year currently.
Now it's great I am blessed enough to be able to chase an education, I don't want to glaze over that.
The thing is that I'm not getting enough to make it, not without doing SOMETHING more. Which I'll probably end up doing, I'm tough and I know how to dance for the system.
Is it greedy to be tired of that?
Is it selfish to want out?
I found out today that I could move to a decent acreage for 250k, and live in colorado. My inheritance is fricken more than that. Now is this to say I want to receive an inheritance today? Not the one that I'm talking about. Even though it means the lifestyle I hope and dream of, it's still not right in my heart to wish for that to happen. My point is how achievable this goal is of getting out of Oklahoma, living the good life on a good acreage (though there are challenges to that), and not having to work that hard to get there. That's achievable just for me. Then we bring God in.
This is the point I have heard more in the last year than ever: God honors the faith to ask and seek the greatest he can give.
He wants us to dream big, or so I've been told. Big for me is... well we've discussed that.
The other thing is selfishness. I will admit I have some selfish desires here. It's very selfish to want to have enough power so that you can't be made homeless. That's crazy selfish. So is desiring the means so that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you and your family will never suffer hunger or cold or sicknesses caused by lack of medical care. That's selfish, because it makes life for me substantially easier. It's also rather unfortunate that speaking from a place of these desires, I don't mind saying that I would sacrifice some generosity to achieve those ends. Which may be why I'm getting this education in humility.
Poverty changes you, it makes you understand how unprepared you were, and what you should do next time. Hindsight is 20/20. Finally after being through enough storms, I know a few ways that make it easier to weather them. So here are some basic tips for preparing for an attack on your life:
1. Have very little that is easy to take, and make EVERYTHING that is replaceable.
When I was a young man I was involved with Boy Scouts, and we had a saying about packing for a camping trip: Never take something with you that you would be devastated if it was stolen or ruined. This was a valuable lesson, because things got lost SO many times on these trips.
So it created a sort of frugality and preparedness of thought. You still needed things for survival, but you had to learn not to be heartbroken when the wilderness took them away.
Becoming an adult I realized that it wasn't just that way when you are out in the wilds of the world, it's everywhere. Once you get enough stolen you learn that you valued things too much, or didn't preserve the things you valued. So back up your files and keep your valuables and collectibles inconspicuous. They're for your joy, not others, don't show off.
2. Value what you have.
Do you have socks? That's awesome. How about clean and weather appropriate clothes? That's even better. The ability to cook (including a stove)? That's amazing. Also any cleaning appliances are a HUGE deal.
I have been blessed to have a car and a house in my name. So we treasure what we have. It could be less, and it could be worse.
My friends and I were talking about how we are now the new upper middle class. Having stuff like what we have make us rich, in comparison to the average person our age.
So, what can I say?
The answer might well be no. But let God decide that. The inner check of reason says that maybe I should trust God more for the answer to be yes as well. That's probably true.
I'm pushed into an interesting position, because I am working on a project out of reach (and out of interest) for most of the population. Many people are content to work for a large organization and depend their survival on the survival of their employer. I wish I could throw in with that.
My dad has gotten laid off at least four times in his career. At this point there is no retirement option (not that he wants it), and the plan is currently to get out of debt at age 70. Excuse me if that does not look like a hopeful outlook.
I have been through over 8 jobs in 8 years, add in 3-4 years not employed (either in recovery and/or college).
and that, as we say, is that.
"Maybe the things you are asking for are wants not needs."
Did this hit close to the mark?
Read on.
Did this make me angry?
Oh yes.
So this is of course set me into some deep brooding, which I am not out of yet, just processing. This is without a doubt the most common reaction to me having this vision for my life. There are a number of people who delicately imply that I am being greedy by seeking this.
What is greed?
Greed is an excessive and selfish desire for more (particularly money, food or power). Which begs the question, what is excessive. (using a dictionary here, so don't jump on me about these definitions.)
Direct quote:
"more than is necessary, normal, or desirable; immoderate."
Now, to begin with I'd like to point out that these words are entirely subjective. What is excessive to one may be modest to another. I could continue defining these terms all day, and I would if it would truly convince you that what these people are saying doesn't have enough ground to stand on.
The point I am trying to make is that you have to ask who sets the standard. Well, to a greater extent God sets the standard. More on that later. However to a more practical purpose, I do. I'm the one that has to at some point decide what is necessary and what is not.
Thinking about my general life plan, or what I really consider ideal, I have to say a bit more than what I need is what I'm going for. So if I eat 2000 calories a day, lets say I can subsist rather well on a budget of $40 a day. This seems like quite a bit, but let me throw some numbers your way:
Food costs per day $5-40
Gas costs per day $4
meds/herbal junk $3-5
roof over my head: $15-29
phone: $1.25
This is DAILY, and these numbers are the same now (when I haven't gone shopping for anything but food and essentials in three months) as they were when I had a full time job and two roommates. If anything they've gone up. So, $40 a day, what does that work out to yearly?
$14,600 a year to subsist at my current rate.
I am currently awarded about $400 less than that, minus of course the costs of going to school, which is another three to five thousand a year currently.
Now it's great I am blessed enough to be able to chase an education, I don't want to glaze over that.
The thing is that I'm not getting enough to make it, not without doing SOMETHING more. Which I'll probably end up doing, I'm tough and I know how to dance for the system.
Is it greedy to be tired of that?
Is it selfish to want out?
I found out today that I could move to a decent acreage for 250k, and live in colorado. My inheritance is fricken more than that. Now is this to say I want to receive an inheritance today? Not the one that I'm talking about. Even though it means the lifestyle I hope and dream of, it's still not right in my heart to wish for that to happen. My point is how achievable this goal is of getting out of Oklahoma, living the good life on a good acreage (though there are challenges to that), and not having to work that hard to get there. That's achievable just for me. Then we bring God in.
This is the point I have heard more in the last year than ever: God honors the faith to ask and seek the greatest he can give.
He wants us to dream big, or so I've been told. Big for me is... well we've discussed that.
The other thing is selfishness. I will admit I have some selfish desires here. It's very selfish to want to have enough power so that you can't be made homeless. That's crazy selfish. So is desiring the means so that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you and your family will never suffer hunger or cold or sicknesses caused by lack of medical care. That's selfish, because it makes life for me substantially easier. It's also rather unfortunate that speaking from a place of these desires, I don't mind saying that I would sacrifice some generosity to achieve those ends. Which may be why I'm getting this education in humility.
Poverty changes you, it makes you understand how unprepared you were, and what you should do next time. Hindsight is 20/20. Finally after being through enough storms, I know a few ways that make it easier to weather them. So here are some basic tips for preparing for an attack on your life:
1. Have very little that is easy to take, and make EVERYTHING that is replaceable.
When I was a young man I was involved with Boy Scouts, and we had a saying about packing for a camping trip: Never take something with you that you would be devastated if it was stolen or ruined. This was a valuable lesson, because things got lost SO many times on these trips.
So it created a sort of frugality and preparedness of thought. You still needed things for survival, but you had to learn not to be heartbroken when the wilderness took them away.
Becoming an adult I realized that it wasn't just that way when you are out in the wilds of the world, it's everywhere. Once you get enough stolen you learn that you valued things too much, or didn't preserve the things you valued. So back up your files and keep your valuables and collectibles inconspicuous. They're for your joy, not others, don't show off.
2. Value what you have.
Do you have socks? That's awesome. How about clean and weather appropriate clothes? That's even better. The ability to cook (including a stove)? That's amazing. Also any cleaning appliances are a HUGE deal.
I have been blessed to have a car and a house in my name. So we treasure what we have. It could be less, and it could be worse.
My friends and I were talking about how we are now the new upper middle class. Having stuff like what we have make us rich, in comparison to the average person our age.
So, what can I say?
The answer might well be no. But let God decide that. The inner check of reason says that maybe I should trust God more for the answer to be yes as well. That's probably true.
I'm pushed into an interesting position, because I am working on a project out of reach (and out of interest) for most of the population. Many people are content to work for a large organization and depend their survival on the survival of their employer. I wish I could throw in with that.
My dad has gotten laid off at least four times in his career. At this point there is no retirement option (not that he wants it), and the plan is currently to get out of debt at age 70. Excuse me if that does not look like a hopeful outlook.
I have been through over 8 jobs in 8 years, add in 3-4 years not employed (either in recovery and/or college).
and that, as we say, is that.
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