I am frustrated and I do not care who reads this, I know that one hears my prayers and frustration. This is just...... trying to understand myself. I'm hurting, so much. deep in my soul I feel a rift between my dreams, my hopes, my goals, and where I want to be and where I am.
It's by far one of the worse anxiety/depressive episodes that has suddenly hit me square in the chest. It started this morning. I've been trying to stay up, hoping for the best and making the best with what I have. Then we went in to talk to Sam's land lord.... and they said they wanted to sue her for making payment arrangement.
Right then and there a little rage built in my soul. Not just a rage against them, yes, they are being cruel and rediculous, I'm not their mother and we will survive. It's a rage against this whole PLACE. Not just the physical place of Tulsa, Oklahoma, though there is that. It's a rage against this financial blech that my life is in. It's a rage that God has determined I need to be here. I identify with Joseph being stuck in prison when he had been given visions for better. Look, my life is not a prison. I have a good house, good career in something that completely doesn't thrill me. I'm keeping busy while I wait.
It's just, in addition to being stuck here, I'm also without a single answer as to whether or when it will change. Of course change is the natural progression of life. But for the better? who knows?
*sigh* no answers here. I always start these things looking for answers and end up with a blank. Which probably is why I'm not writing as much lately, and not having as much traffic. Neither matter, in the long run.............
It's by far one of the worse anxiety/depressive episodes that has suddenly hit me square in the chest. It started this morning. I've been trying to stay up, hoping for the best and making the best with what I have. Then we went in to talk to Sam's land lord.... and they said they wanted to sue her for making payment arrangement.
Right then and there a little rage built in my soul. Not just a rage against them, yes, they are being cruel and rediculous, I'm not their mother and we will survive. It's a rage against this whole PLACE. Not just the physical place of Tulsa, Oklahoma, though there is that. It's a rage against this financial blech that my life is in. It's a rage that God has determined I need to be here. I identify with Joseph being stuck in prison when he had been given visions for better. Look, my life is not a prison. I have a good house, good career in something that completely doesn't thrill me. I'm keeping busy while I wait.
It's just, in addition to being stuck here, I'm also without a single answer as to whether or when it will change. Of course change is the natural progression of life. But for the better? who knows?
*sigh* no answers here. I always start these things looking for answers and end up with a blank. Which probably is why I'm not writing as much lately, and not having as much traffic. Neither matter, in the long run.............
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